Backing off ...

[celeste26]

Anyone else begin to think that they are indeed not TS after thinking they were for awhile? No unpleasant effects of the formulas I was taking. I'm feeling I need to back off for awhile.

[PretzelGirl]

If that feeling is hitting you, it is certainly better now rather than later. There is plenty of time to work your feelings out without feeling rushed. It is a good thing.

[chelyann]

its better to make sure on the right path now than later ,
take it slow and good luck , keep posted

[carri]

Do whatever you need to do for you, your feelings are yours and you need to listen to them. The right choice will be there in time,the decisions on how far and how fast you go is yours alone. We'll all be here to support you whatever your choice is.

[PaulaQ]

Gender transition is one of the most difficult things a person can attempt. Even in the best of cases, it really has to be right for you in order to be worth it. If what you are doing doesn't feel right, slow down or stop - maybe for a while, maybe forever. There really is no shame in that. Even if you are pretty sure about who you are (and if you aren't, you definitely need to hold off on transition until you are sure), the various processes we go through to transition aren't right for everyone.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Trust you body and your instincts
All people have ups and downs too, time will march on and it will inform you of whether this is a momentary or permanent thing.

There is no shame in not being transsexual and there is no shame in being ok with the status quo if you are.
The key is to be ok with yourself and live a good quality of life.

You do get to choose and if you consider what happens to some people that is a wonderful thing. If your life quality is good then you go with what is making that happen.

[Dianne S]

Not so far. I had a bad patch when I got sick quite coincidentally after starting Spironolactone while at the same time coming out to my then in-laws with a very bad reaction. That made me feel down and doubtful for a couple of months, but eventually I got back on track. Since then, I obviously have the occasional WTF? moment --- I think most people who deny they have those are lying --- but overall I remain very confident that transition is the right thing for me.

[LeaP]

There are times when I think things are surreal or absurdist. Although infrequent these days, I still have the occasional WTF moment. I get beaten down by circumstances or reactions. Depression is still a problem. All of these once led to questioning how I perceived myself, my stopping point, or my course. Surviving being trans for me has meant amputating a significant portion of normal human experience. Trusting my mind to the virtual exclusion of any other consideration. Confronting being trans for me means opening myself to experiencing life holistically.

So I like Kaitlyn's advice to trust your body and your instincts. Unlike my mind, which has to deal with countless contradictions and variables, my body and instincts are simple indeed. A split second to examine how I feel – something I couldn't comprehend or describe at one time when asked by my therapist (!) - and one of two things happens: I either have instant (re)confirmation, or a realization that to stop invites disaster. It's difficult to describe how rooted this is in how I "feel" myself physically and emotionally and how it differs from what I may think at any given moment. An example of the difference is the occasional awkwardness at a stare versus how natural and good that changes in my body from hormones feel. The first is a product of presentation, culture, expectations, social interaction, fears, etc. The second is simply the experience of being. The one thing about how I feel in my body these days that never ceases to amaze me is how unremarkable it is.

I think a certain amount of cognitive dissonance is a given in any late transitioner. Somatic dissonance, on the other hand, is a huge red flag. Being trans, in the end, is about resolving the latter. If your course takes you farther from the resolution, or is a conflict in itself, time to set a new one.

[GabbiSophia]

I have these moments. What i have found is that something is off and needs to change. I used to think it ment i needed to stop. I tried that twice. Both times i feel good for about a day but then i get crushed with GD. For me i have to find a way to keep my mind going forward. I believe it is just part of the process for some. I would live to quit all this but i have had to come to the realization that thought is not possible. They feelings are real but most of mine is denial.

[Marleena]

@ Celeste that's why we hear the "don't transition unless you have to" comments. I see nothing wrong with you rethinking the process, in fact it's smart and I welcome your honesty. While the GD has driven me to seek medical help I would prefer to not be trans-anything. I've only gone as far as HRT and I'm not *gasp* full-time but my financial and living situation dictate that I not take it further right now.

[Rachel Smith]

Celeste reconsidering is not the end of the world and something I did myself a couple times. If that's what YOU feel needs to be done then do it and see how you feel. It is not a failure. Go or don't go only as far as YOU have to in order to find peace, joy and congruence.

Best to you whatever you decide. We will not leave you either way. Please keep us posted.

Hugs
Rachel

[kimdl93]

I do think that the ups and downs, varying degrees of certainty or indecision distinguish those of us who are somewhat more towards the TS side of the spectrum, from those individuals who are clearly TS...across the bright line of certainty. It's rather nice to have the luxury of choice...the option of deciding how far wants to go and when.

[Ann Louise]

Learn to listen to that little voice and back off. You are entertaining the notion of nuking nearly every thing in your past life. As is said among some rock climbers, "A steep wall is no place to linger."

[mbmeen12]

Very normal feelings for a situation that is far from. Seek consultation too, groups etc.
ox Kara

[lesliecleves]

I believe exploring the full range of your feelings is essential. Shifts will always occur and fear and hope are in a contest. I find keeping the TS question front and center, letting all feelings and thoughts revolve around it helps put any single moment in perspective.

[Sammy777]

Lets see........
I have, and continue to question Authority.
I have questioned, If finishing that bottle the night before was such a good idea? It wasn't :lol2:
I have questioned, Who is this girl sleeping next to me and how did we get back to my place?
I have questioned, Where in the hell did THAT bruise come from?
I have questioned, Does this skirt really go with those boots?

Hell, I have even questioned my sanity in general. On several occasions. :devil: [The jury is still out on that one]

But to answer your question, No I have never questioned if this was or wasn't right for me?
It has always remained one of the few constants in my ever changing/evolving life.

[Marleena]

Celeste this stuff can be all consuming. Taking a break and rethinking it all with the help of your therapist sounds like a good plan. While being TG can be tough too it's much better than being TS and starting your life over. I wish you the best no matter what you discover.

[Ally 2112]

Your feelings or instinct will guide you just follow what feels best for you and how happy it makes you feel .Good luck to you :)

[Starling]

...I think a certain amount of cognitive dissonance is a given in any late transitioner. Somatic dissonance, on the other hand, is a huge red flag. Being trans, in the end, is about resolving the latter. If your course takes you farther from the resolution, or is a conflict in itself, time to set a new one.

Great advice, Lea! The problem with over-thinking TS or GD is that your mind (in particular, your superego) will constantly advocate for the socially acceptable, even while the body cruises happily along on HRT, etc. The worst thing you can do is make your own brain your oppressor; we already face enough obstacles from others.

:) Lallie

[Michelle789]

Transition is an extremely tough and stressful undertaking. Even those of us who manage to lose very little will still experience drastic changes in life circumstances. I have been one of the lucky ones and lost very little, in fact I gained a boyfriend. My life looks drastically different today than it did a year ago. A lot of this is adjusting to being in a relationship, and possibly letting go of the more subtle male behaviors. In fact, sometimes I'm trying to learn what subtle male behaviors I still have that I am having trouble letting go of (needing 8 hours of sleep or living by a routines and planning, maybe).

But one thing is certain, my life looks very little like it did a year ago. Although the changes have been more positive than negative, my life certainly feels WAY more stressful than it did a year ago. Getting used to the give and take nature of a relationship, and learning to be more spontaneous and flexible, have been MAJOR challenges. I also actually live life, so my schedule is far more busy than it ever was, and I sometimes have trouble trying to juggle everything that is going on in my life. A year ago, all I had to worry about was going to my 9 to 5 job, attend an AA meeting once a week, go to the occasional Korean BBQ, and tend to grocery shopping and the occasional difficult circumstance that life throws at us. Today I go to work, see my boyfriend, go to church, go to several AA meetings a week, go to transgender support group, talk on the phone more often, go shopping more, socialize more, am co-chair of my church's trans group, and dealt with the fallout from my father's reaction to my coming out. Oh and add to that therapy, doctor appointments, and laser hair removal. I am mostly content with the changes, but sometimes feel overwhelmed with having to deal with more things going on in my life.

Life may throw you stressful circumstances during your transition that have absolutely nothing to do with transition. I have had more car trouble than ever since I have transitioned. Unless cars clock us and are transphobic, I would think that my car troubles aren't transition related and just another life circumstance that would happen whether or not I transitioned.

So re-gendering ourselves is stressful. Losing S.O., friends, family, and jobs is stressful. Gaining an S.O. and learning to be in a relationship when you've never been in one is stressful. Dealing with transphobia and being misgendered is stressful. Learning to live without male privileges is stressful. Juggling a busier schedule is more stressful. And life happens regardless of whether or not we're transgender. So yeah, I would say that transition = stress of transition + stress of life. So being in transition means we live with more stress than we would have otherwise.

Hormones and living authentically relieve a good deal of stress, because we're living authentically and are becoming hormonally congruent. The real question for us. Is the stress relief of treating the gender dysphoria > than the stress added because of transition and any other life circumstance changes that occur during transition?

And change in itself is scary, and stressful.

It is normal to question ourselves, and to be fearful of changes, even if they are good for us. Especially when there is a risk of losing things we hold dearly. Even if we gain good things but have trouble handling them.