Blend to Pass or Blend to be Respected?

[Princess Chantal]

For those that strive to "blend in" for public outings, what is more important to you:
1) blend to pass as a genetic female
Or
2) blend to be respected as a person (eventhough recognized as an individual within the transgender umbrella)

Please don't make the selection primarily based on whether you are or aren't able to pass. And PLEASE don't state whether you are passable or not.

[Marcelle]

Hi Chantal,

For me it would be blend to be respected as a person.

Hugs

Isha

[Danitgirl1]

Very good question, thank you!
I would say I want to be respected as an individual regardless of the way I look.
I am not sure that blending should be a prerequisite for respect but I acknowledge we live in the real world, so yes, I guess I would want to blend so as to be respected.

[Princess Chantal]

Very good question, thank you!
I would say I want to be respected as an individual regardless of the way I look.
I am not sure that blending should be a prerequisite for respect but I acknowledge we live in the real world, so yes, I guess I would want to blend so as to be respected.

I agree with the blending should not be a prerequisite for respect.

[kimdl93]

Certainly the latter.

[Kate Simmons]

This "blending" premise has always confused the dickens out of me.If you "blend" then no one knows you are a CDer, so what is really accomplished except perhaps some kind of personal satisfaction? Personally I'm just myself and don't really care what others think of it.:)

[BillieAnneJean]

To be able to blend in is a safety consideration too. As an example which is safer walking through a mall? A guy in a dress or a CDer who is able to blend in? If you are obvious then they know right away. If you blend in then they have to think about it. And that takes them away from their beloved phone too long. Confronting someone who may be a crossdresser has some risks. But confronting someone who obviously is a guy in a dress involves less risk. It is still socially unacceptable in most of the US to upset a woman.

For me I attempt to blend in for my own satisfaction and for safety reasons. It may be hard to compute from that but I do not care what anyone thinks about me. And what's the big deal? I am not robbing a bank or advocating the overthrow of the government.

SUCH FUN!
Billie

[Katey888]

I don't see why those 2 Q's would be mutually exclusive...? Unless you're saying that those that try to pass as a GG are somehow not deserving of respect..? (I trust not...)

And I'm sorry, but I fail to see how anyone's mode of dress makes them deserving of 'respect as a person'... isn't that a bit of a deeper assessment...?

I simply try to look the best I can and be appropriate for the venue... so I guess that means both, but achieving #1 is actually more in the minds of others than me... :D

Katey x

[Lily Catherine]

I currently gravitate towards 1 for the sake of my own safety (camouflage and concealment, anyone?), and ultimately walk unnoticed. But 2 would definitely be the higher ideal if both are mutually exclusive for all purposes of discussion.

[GenieGirl]

I wear what I want just like any other woman. I don't get the difference in blending(wearing normal female clothes) and dressing respectfully, I think most women dress respectfully.

[Allisa]

#2,In the way that I am being me and just let me be and go about my way.

[Beverley Sims]

Dress to look respectable, blend in, pass or not.

[SandraB]

Practically blending to pass is important. However, in principal, respect as a person is much more important.

[carhill2mn]

Number 1 for me.

[lesli]

i would have to say 1, i love being ultra fem. i'm dress in the Seattle/Bellevue and Portland areas where there are large tg communities and a very large gay and lesbian following, respect as a person is always wanted no matter the occasion or actions, but when i go out in dress, then i gives me a very nice feeling to know i am passing as a gg.

[docrobbysherry]

Neither. I hate blending. :doh: And, will only do it out of respect for the dressing friends I'm going out to meet.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think for me its blend to be respected, If I like or enjoy the type of clothes I wear what does it matter.

[Rachelakld]

Sherry is a leader, not a follower. Leaders don't often blend, that's more for us who want to be like a sheep in a flock (of women in out case)
Sometimes I, and possible a lot here, go for shock impact, where our skirts are to short for the occasion, sometimes when we are feeling a bit more normal we blend to pass.
Not sure if Respected is the correct word, unless it is applied to the effort we have put in to become our best girl self.

[Princess Chantal]

Nevermind..... Apparently my expressing what I mean into words is lacking again, darn communication skills. Some understand what I am asking, but those that don't would rip me a new one.

Note to self: continue to shy away from starting a new thread in this section

[AllieSF]

For me, as someone else said, they are not mutually exclusive. I would love to pass as a genetic female and also want to be respected as a human being.

After reading your last post, what are you trying to clarify here?

[Stephanie47]

I think most natural women want to be respected. Some don't do a very good job at it. Some women may look great until they open their mouths. Some may be need of a bath. You get the picture. The same may be said of men.

Me, as a cross dressing man? Well, I have been out on occasion without any intent to mix with the general population. But, on my evening strolls or the chance I have to meet the world unexpectedly, I want to appear as my image of a proper woman. I know I will never pass, but, I want to not draw negative attention. I've seen some pretty bad looking guys in a dress. They're usually on the same streets as those similarly attired women hawking their bodies for $$$.

I've lived my life being respectful of others. I don't make unfounded judgements. I expect the same of others. I treat you with respect, therefore, treat me with respect, even if I am wearing a dress.

[Cheryl T]

I would love for it to be number one, but I don't really think I'd be truly seen as a female in most cases. But it is nice to dream...
I personally want to be respected and accepted for who I am. That's enough for me.

[NicoleScott]

..... Apparently my expressing what I mean into words is lacking again.....

Princess, your question is clear. But if you're trying to express something (make a statement), the question is rhetorical. Just say it.
I want to take your question at face value, but I can't help but think there is a message behind it: if you dress to pass as a GG, it's not helping the cause of TG acceptance, and so, dressing as a conservative, respectable, but obvious crossdresser is a higher calling. That's how I read it.

[Caden Lane]

I'd have to pick Blend to be.

Blend to be me, to be happy, and blend to be safer, Blend to be wearing that sexy lingerie, little black dress, and heels rather than those ugly slacks and mens shoes. Blend to be present and I suppose unobtrusive or draw unwanted attentions, blend to be another person at the party, and blend to be satisfied with my efforts. I do not need the respect of people I do not know, I do not need their validation, although it can be welcome if freely given. And do I really have their respect if they have to presume I am a genetic female while in their midst? If they know I'm trans and respect me for being there dressed as I am, then I'd feel I had made a spectacle of myself. I did not go to a party for attention or being treated differently, I went to be another party goer. Being me is all I can ask for out of life, and nothing makes me happier.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

[Leslie Langford]

I really don't think that you can separate the two, Chantal. Now, had you included the option of "passing" as one of the choices, that would have been a whole different matter, but "blending in" is "blending in" no matter how you slice it.

There has been a lot of discussion on this board about the difference between "passing" and "blending in", and the general consensus seems to be that very few of us - if any - truly "pass" in the strictest sense of the word. Sooner or later, something, somewhere, somehow is not going to add up in the eyes of the beholder when we are out en femme, at which point we are "busted". So, if we are going to be realistic about it, most of us will have to resign ourselves to simply "blending in", which by definition implies that we are largely able to fly under the target with only the occasional "target acquired - missile lock" occurrence.

In essence, the term "blending in" implies a conscious attempt to dress occasion- and age-appropriately for whatever venue or event that we might be wishing to attend, be it shopping, clubbing, going to movies, the theatre or similar events, or simply socializing in public with other TG folks...but most importantly, dressing in a way that emulates the GG's around us and is respectful of them as opposed to the more cartoon-ish "drag" version of female dressing.

Dressing to "blend in" already demonstrates to whatever GG's we may encounter our desire to emulate them in the sincerest and most respectful manner possible, and this "pay it forward" way of showing that respect is usually reciprocated by them in kind in the way they then relate to us. Within this context, it would be very hard to separate the concept of being respected as a person from the alternative of being respected as a transgender person primarily because we are prepared to live our truth.

I would find the latter viewpoint to be rather offensive and paternalistic if that were the case, and not unlike praising someone for being "a credit to their race", which was a back-handed compliment that was frequently used in less-enlightened times years ago.

[ophelia]

I'd like to blend I think. I think overdoing makeup, hair and body shaping is actually insulting to GG's as saying that women are nothing but hair and boobs. Especially because I am usually on my own, I try blend in by looking like all the beautiful and tasteful women in whatever environment or event I am attending.
Visual cues, as other thread have testified, can easily be misinterpreted and can lead to real trouble.

[Princess Chantal]

Princess, your question is clear. But if you're trying to express something (make a statement), the question is rhetorical. Just say it.
I want to take your question at face value, but I can't help but think there is a message behind it: if you dress to pass as a GG, it's not helping the cause of TG acceptance, and so, dressing as a conservative, respectable, but obvious crossdresser is a higher calling. That's how I read it.

Thank you Nicole. I will spit it out already....

I am trying to determine what the ratio of the people (on the forum) that tend to do a blending appearance are comfortable (and/or proud) with being perceived as being a part of the transgender umbrella compared to those that do a blending appearance to shy away from being recognized as a part of it.
I do know that safety could be a major factor in contributing to stay an arm length away.

[Genifer Teal]

I would not call it blending. I'd rather say I dress appropriately for where I will be. If I want more attention, I will dress how ever I please. :-)

[AngelaYVR]

I must admit to being confused about the meaning of blending: does that mean you go out not wearing what you want to? When I go out, I dress in very appropriate clothes that just happen to be more traditionally feminine than what 95% of women wear today. I both blend and stand out. I can't understand the rationale for not wearing your preferred style: we're guys in dresses, get your money's worth!

[NicoleScott]

Thanks for the clarification. I don't mind being seen as a crossdresser. I am careful where I go, and when.

[Princess Chantal]

I picked up the definition of blending from this forum through thousands of posts mentioning it. I got to say I love your definition Angela!

[Kim_Bitzflick]

Girl! That is a difficult question. Initially I wanted to say Pass as a GG but in the end I really just want to blend and be accepted as I am.

[justmetoo]

In reply to post #27 I would say neither. I try to blend to not be noticed. I'm not concerned about being seen as part of the transgender umbrella one way or the other. I'm neither proud nor shy of where I fit under there or even if I do. I guess, like Caden, I just want to be me, without fear of harassment, and blending in in the sense that people don't pay me much attention is what I aim for.

[Jenniferathome]

...

I am trying to determine what the ratio of the people (on the forum) that tend to do a blending appearance are comfortable (and/or proud) with being perceived as being a part of the transgender umbrella compared to those that do a blending appearance to shy away from being recognized as a part of it.

I do not believe anyone who sees a cross dresser thinks of the "transgender umbrella" rather, the normals see a cross dresser. Just A cross dresser, not a movement. The cross dresser in question may be seen as subtle or crazy based on attire, but it is still A cross dresser.

When i I see a gay couple,I'm don't think "gay rights" I think it's a couple. Just two people.

By the way, I do not consider myself part of the transgender umbrella, despite the fact that I am a cross dresser. I am not out to press an agenda. I am me and when I interact with the normals, I change preconceived ideas one at a time, if allowed.

[Claire Cook]

I guess it is some of both for me. Those who know both sides of me seem to respect me for what I do. I'm generally treated as a woman when out and about and that's fine with me. The only time I really strive for #1 is when using the ladies' room.

[Adriana Moretti]

I try ( keyword) to blend in as much as possible in the vanilla world, for 2 reasons .....
1. I dont want to stand out like a sore thumb
2. In public we are all ambassadors for crossdressers....so I feel it is our duty for us all to represent us correctly and try ( keyword again) to break down the stereotype that crossdressers have. To me that means NOT dressing like a hooker on 42 st and not dressing for the oscars at the local walmart.

[PaulaQ]

I do not try to blend. I'm simply myself.

[TinaZ]

I think this is a valuable conversation.

First, I think cross dressing DOES fall under the TG umbrella. Whether you're out and about, a full-on advocate, or tucked deep in a closet, most cross dressers present themselves - even alone - as the gender opposite of their birth. Thus, transgender. That's the very definition of the word, actually, and to me it doesn't matter if you do it every day, once a week, once a year or once a decade; if you express the opposite gender of your birth, that is transgender.

As for the original question, I've been out of the house only a few times, but I very much prefer dressing to blend in for the sake of respect. I know people will clock me. That's unavoidable. But what I sincerely hope most people conclude by looking at me, is I went through a lot of work to look the way I do, thus this isn't a joke or a prank, but it's me wanting to be respected and accepted.

[pamela7]

Initially I felt that I should express myself as i want, to hell with other people's views on my clothing, but I've been before in situations with neighbours - "little englanders" we call them - and frankly if I don't let people have a view on structures in my yard, there is hell to pay, regardless that its eff-all to do with them. So the same goes with dressing. By respecting the "code" one assumes the pretense, by dressing properly, fully, one shows one is respecting and thus, one is respected, and therefore ignored, safe. That is how the true sociopath will read the dressing. Therefore, by not being rude, by respecting the people around, I am respected. In the sick, sociopathic world of the occident, its the easier path. Therefore, dressing to be respected means a sufficient pass.

[chris80]

I would prefer to blend as a woman and be unnoticed
you may find out that even then some men would treat you as any woman and not respect you

[Paula_56]

Ill be honest and say they holy grail is to be taken for a cis-gendered women. I've respected, admired and envied women my whole life. I want to be one, to be be seen as one is a dream come true. However most of the time I am perceived as a transgender woman and I'll take that.

[PaulaQ]

Let me put this another way. Clothing and makeup are a form of communication, they tell the world something about you. Now in many ways, this can be a very personal type of communication. However, rightly or wrongly, a sort of code develops in people's minds about what certain modes of dress mean. A very short skirt, low cut blouse, and heels to some will say "I'm sexually available," even though the intended message might simply be "I'm proud of my body and having some fun."

There are lots of things we communicate this way - "I'm important," "I'm poor," "I'm busy and don't care what you think about my appearance right now."

I think it does help to wear clothes that look good on our bodies. This, to me, is a better rule of thumb than an age appropriate rule. And I do look at what other women wear, because this is a shared language, and while no one makes you conform, I think knowing what does conform is helpful, even if you think it's stupid and you aren't going to do it.

I do try to be sensitive to the situation where I find myself. I wouldn't wear very casual clothes to church, for example. I wouldn't go to the grocery store in the dress I wore in my avatar photo - an LBD. However, I've always, even before transition, had a tendency to over dress just a little for the situation, because I find doing that sends a message that I've never gotten tired of: "Don't F--- with me!"

I don't try to be unnoticed though. I want you to see me. I don't want to take that too far and make a spectacle of myself, but I'll be damned if I'll be invisible. I'm a woman, and people should notice me.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Both really. I want to pass so I am not read and harassed etc. But, passing is very difficult, and may involve wearing what I don't want to wear at a given time... so, if I can't pass, I want to at least be seen as respectable.

[Alice_2014_B]

I just want to blend in regardless. I would go with both 1 and 2.

[weyburn]

For me I do it cause I love to, whether I pass is just a bonus

[KlaireLarnia]

I am not trying to Blend in as such. I dress because I want the freedom to wear what I want, when I want. I appreciate society has limits and what it will accept or not, so I try not to push the extremes of those boundaries - so I don't wear Skirts/dresses for example. But pretty much everything else is in. The fact I do blend in is a bonus, but not the reason for it.

I don't really care if people respect me, as long as they are not abusive to me I am not bothered. The only people whose opinions I really care about are my family's. My daughter (and wife) have told me to tone down at times and I will, because what they think matters. Most times they are happy with what I wear.

I am not trying to fit under the Transgender umbrella because I am not Transgendered. I am not trying to fit under any umbrella or category because I do not try and hide my masculinity. I accentuate certain feminine characteristics in my clothing yes, but my face, my attitude, manner, walk etc it is as I am any day and was 20 years ago (bar maturing obviously). I do not try and pass because there is no need to, I am me and comfortable with that.

As PaulaQ said: "I don't try to be unnoticed though. I want you to see me. I don't want to take that too far and make a spectacle of myself, but I'll be damned if I'll be invisible."

Most people do not have a problem with men wearing women's clothes in public as long as you are confident and natural when you do - because for most people they have far greater problems to deal with than what you look like.