Putting the Boots on the Other Feet

[pamela7]

I've been finding myself "angry" on behalf of my CD friends here whose wives/SO's don't accept them as they are, really IMO, who are not in love with the person they married/shared life with. How do i put myself in their shoes, in order to try to understand why they're not accepting?

I thought therefore if my SO told me she wanted to:

a) only wear mens clothes
b) mostly wear mens clothes
c) transition to male gender

in case a) i'd be disappointed cos I love seeing her dressed, but I'd accept it as her choice, all other things remaining the same
in case b) that's pretty close to life as it is, mostly in trousers, not a problem
c) i'd want to discuss a long time, have her go through process/counselling, but if that were her decision, then fine, i signed up for the rest of my lifetime, to me she's the same person. I mean, if she lost a limb, had a mastectomy due to cancer, were paralysed, she's still the love of my life.

So ... GG's, if your SO is the love of your life, what is your problem?

[SandraB]

This is an interesting exercise and one I've not done to date. My wife is very feminine in her dress but does not go for real sexy unless I prompt her or buy her something. Then I think she wears it for me rather than for herself. I woruld prefer if she would opt herself for sexy on frequent occassions but also ok if she doesn't. I think she goes much more for functional that's good looking rather than for sexy that is perhaps not as comfortable. However, considering your options, I think I would feel similarly to yourself, but I think I would try to coax her more to a girly look. Regardless, I think I would accept her decision as our relationship is primary above all other concerns.

[NicoleScott]

So ... GG's, if your SO is the love of your life, what is your problem?

Something tells me you're going to hear about the comment: what is YOUR problem?"

Like in the commercial "I'm a loner, and a loner's got to be alone", I'm a crossdresser, and a crossdresser's got to crossdress. It's what and who I am, and I have a right to be myself. But it's hypocritical to say to my wife that she doesn't have a right to be repulsed by my crossdressing. She married a man who is all man, only to find out that the man she married is not the man the thought she married, but instead one that needs to express his femininity by wearing a wig, dress, makeup, and high heels. What's her problem? Get over it? She could say "so you want to wear women's clothes. Get over it."

It's easy to say how you would react in your hypothetical reversal scenario, but CDers wives face a reality that's NOT of their making and their reactions are not hypothetical. By the way, my first wife, who divorced me because she couldn't be married to a crossdresser, never said she stopped loving me when she found out. She hated the crossdressing.

Pamela, if you have an accepting wife, good for you, but doesn't mean you should scold unaccepting wives.

[Jean 103]

My wife and I separated last year after 26 years of marriage. I think I can answer this for her, in her eyes it is simple. She married a man not a girl. It is not just some odd hobby or phase of life that will pass. I have asked her if there was any chance of us ever getting back together, her answer no. We are still friends, I still support her. So I decided to embrace the fog and see where it takes me. Weather it has always been part of me or I have changed, it is not who she marred. It is not about love, at some point logic takes over. I still and will always love her and I believe she still loves me the guy, she just can’t live with Jean. It is that simple.

[Teresa]

Pamela,
I'm wearing Loved Ones section out trying to find an answer to this one !

I guess Carly's song " It's too late ! Something inside has died ! " Is going to be the obvious answer !

I guess Jean has found the answer, I'm really sorry for you ! I may have to walk away from forty years, it's not going to be easy !!

[pamela7]

She could say "so you want to wear women's clothes. Get over it." If you have an accepting wife, good for you, but doesn't mean you should scold unaccepting wives.

and she's still married to the PERSON she "fell in love with". If he has an accident at work, loses his ability to use his penis, is he no longer a man? Is a person a "man" cos he wears lumberjack shirts and smokes cigars, drinking beer and making a general ass of himself? Come on. Explain why, give me the real reason.

AND yes, often the "man" has deceived and lied, hidden and secreted, and so given cause of "not being the man he said he was". Even withstanding this though, I am generally asking whether the real reason for marrying was love. I know the first time round for me, with hindsight it was not. I got it right the 2nd time tho. I'm not seeking to judge, I want to know real reasons.

[Katey888]

Pamela - I don't get this...

It's not your place to be angry for others when you know nothing of their circumstances, and it's certainly not within your understanding or capability to judge whether or not other couples (where you've only heard one side of the story, if any story at all..) are 'in love'.

Presumably you married first time around because you thought you'd found the love of your life and that was a mistake, you say. You've got lucky second time around but others are more pragmatic about life than you - while many couples split up, others stay together through compromises and needs that are not always related to love. Having said that, I can fully understand why some GGs may be horrified to discover this thing about their husband - I think the only unconditional love you're likely to find is between a mother and child and even that has it's limits. Spousal love is rarely so unconditional in my experience, and I would take care with projecting how you or anyone might react to future changes in your life - I really don't think anyone can be quite so definitive about hypotheses... :thinking:

Please remember too that the GGs that visit here are more often the accepting ones than otherwise... just be grateful you have found one of those... :)

Katey x

[Isabella Ross]

Well, I think Pamela may have a point...but I really think it depends on the SO's true rationale for not accepting dressing. If the reasons are, "I hate your dressing because what would the church/vicar/my friends/my relatives/society in general think if they found out," well, I'd consider that a failure to think for one's self and sheep-like behaviour. If, however, a GG is genuinely repulsed by her SO's dressing and femininity in a man, and finds herself strongly attracted to masculinity to the point where she can't continue the relationship, that's another story -- those are internal attractions/feelings that, just like our own TG tendencies, can't simply be switched off. My two cents worth.

[pamela7]

thank you Isabella, i see that as a reason, a genuine repulsion.

[sometimes_miss]

Pam, you're preaching to the choir. We can accept it because we understand it, and have lived with it for a very long time. For most women, they just found out about the crossdressing recently, and usually don't even want to know any more about it; they just: 1. want it to stop, 2. prefer to ignore it and think if they do, everything will go back to the way it was before they found out, or, and this is the worst, 3. Demand that you stop and/or divorce you. Women get upset because envisioning us as feminine screws up the sexual attraction they have for us. Once the attraction is gone, the love can soon follow, as she eventually seeks someone else to set her sexual desires upon (someone she sees as masculine once again), and unless she's very old, that WILL happen. And once that happens, the relationship is over. You might stay together, but if she's found someone else, what you had once, is gone.

[mechamoose]

Welcome to my life, sweetie!)

My girl is a 'sweatpants & t-shirt' person around the house. I'm usually wearing a pencil or A-line and a cami.

It is 'gender inequality' AND 'gender expectations' at it's height.

If each of you are covering your family's roles, then I don't see how it matters (Though I get that I'm a minority in my situation)

What is 'strong'? What is 'nurturing'? I don't believe that either XX/XY person has a lock on those traits.

Each person has a match out there, one who compliments them and reinforces them. Chromosomes have *nothing* to do with that.

(Me: Fem dude married to a 'pull my finger' female. It *can* work!!!)

- MM

[Katey888]

Closed at OP request.

Katey
Moderator