my wife said

[carrie2014]

When I am dressed female my wife will say, I look good and would pass ok, but she would never go any where with me in public When I am dressed female. Does any one have a wife that feels the same way. my wife has no probem if I dress female or go out by myself.

[suchacutie]

One issue of leaving the confines and protection of the house revolves around how ppublic you want your femme persona to be. If you are not "out" as transgendered, one way to become out is to have someone recognize your wife and then start looking more closely at her friend. Is your wife simply cconcerned that she would "out" you?

[Stephanie47]

I think the answer is quite obvious. If you do in fact look good as a female, then your masculine identity is masked. Even if you're 'outed' as a male, your male identity may not be known. I'd say that may be especially true if your trip is outside of your customary stomping grounds. However, if your wife accompanies you, how is her identity hidden from people who may not approve of cross dressing. Society is really judgmental in a negative way on cross dressing. She may fear you and her as a couple may be seen by friends, relatives and coworkers. There is the risk a person may run up to her and greet her. Is your transformation so good such a person would not recognize you close up? Probably not!

Of course, even when you are out en femme there is always the risk you may be identified by the car you are driving. Maybe you should discuss with your wife her apprehension about being with you. Maybe if you address her concerns there may be some kind of trip she would be willing to make with you, even if it is her driving the car while you're the passenger. She could buy a wig. She could wear sunglasses or non-prescription clear glasses.

In any event I'd say you're doing fairly good if your wife does not strongly object to you going out. Many wives establish their safe boundary as en femme only at home.

[Rachelakld]

Mine also,
it's just not her thing and you know? that's cool.
She has interests that I don't get involved in either (because I'd fall asleep with boredom).

[Beverley Sims]

I will get the comment and "sometimes" she will accompany me.

[carrie2014]

Thank you everyone for your help with this problem. I think it is time to sit and talk more about her reasons for not going out with me. All of the ideas are good reasons for my problem. Thanks again for all replies.

[DanaR]

My wife feels the same way, and I understand. She has gone out with me, when we've been out of town; which has gone fine. In fact, we are taking a vacation to Florida soon and she asked me if I was going to take girl clothes with me. I think that it is a comfort level thing and might take a while for her to feel comfortable with it.

[Andrea Renea]

What suchacutie said. My wife's biggest fear is some recognizing me or her here locally.

I believe a lot of women fear this.

She did go out with me in Biloxi MS on our vacation. Walked through the casino with me.

[Marcelle]

Hi Carrie,

I am completely out as TG to family, friends and work. My wife is 100 percent supportive and has no issues with me going out "en femme". However she will not go out with me as she does not want to see any "intolerance" directed toward me as it would make here sad. This stems from an bad incident the first and last time she went out with and was only solidified recently when I was attacked. I do not begrudge her this as I understand . . . she loves me but this is one path on this journey I will have to travel solo.

Hugs

Isha

[Michelle Crossfire]

I can relate. My wife seems to have no problem when i go out alone or to a GNO outing. She is not convinced that i would pass, and sometimes neither am I (check my pictures out on other postings and judge for yourself). I don't think i do a bad job, considering my size. However, she will shop with me for girl stuff when i am in guy mode. Occasionally, i have noticed her borrowing some of my blouses (we are not the same size, but depending on the garment, she can wear some of my things). She has accompanied me out of town to a GNO (did not attend, but wanted at least a hotel room with a jacuzzi, which is getting harder to find sometimes). We borrow each others jewelry, except for earrings, as she has pierced ears, and i do not. But she has yet to accompany me out anywhere when i am dressed. I have tried to coax her into trying it, but to no avail. She is supportive, just not participatory. I am not sure what her reservations are. She has said that after i dress, my mood is much more relaxed, so you would think that might provide some motivation, but alas, it does not.

[Suzie Petersen]

It can probably be boiled down to relatively few distinct reasons, most, if not all, of which have already been brought up: Fear of recognition, fear of a change in her perception of her hubby, not wanting to witness any negative reactions from others, and .. it is harder to live in denial if you take part!

My wife went with me once to a get-together weekend with 3 other couples years ago. It was arranged primarily for the wifes to have a chance to meet and talk to others in the same situation. None of us had met before and one of the agreements upfront was that this was not about us getting dressed up, but about the wifes and about talking.
As part of the process of talking through it all, the CD partners did eventually get dressed, but only for a short while.

I am not sure the whole thing did much good, but it could have. My wife said she had a good and interesting time .. and didnt want to talk about it! So there.

Other than that, she has not gone out with me and I am OK with that. I can understand her reluctance and have not wanted to push her into a situation she would be uncomfortable with.

- Suzie

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my wife wishes I didn't dress but will go out in public with me when we are out of town(and I don't go out dress locally myself)
what some tgirls fail to recognize is our wives or girlfriends look the same and most people can put 2 and 2 together.

[Lea]

We live in a small town and it is hard to go anywhere without running into someone you don't know. So going out would not work as people would recognize us and I would be fired. That is our big fear in our present town. That may enter into your situation.

It took awhile for her to understand my crossdressing and has she has grown to support it. She always ask if I need anything, has brought me home flowers when I have been dressed and told me some day we should go to an out of state convention.

We have gone out of town for Halloween to more upscale parties. She told me we would not be sitting at the table all night and that I would be out on the dance floor.

But to go out anywhere near our house , several hours drive, will not happen.

[Taylor186]

My wife does not go out in public with me for the reasons first articulated by Cutie and Steph above. Even if she was willing to take the risk to be with me, I would not want it. So regarding this topic my wife and I are in total agreement. She has gone with me to group meetings as long as we meet in a private space. But, she doesn't do it that often because it just doesn't interest her. And that is ok with me too.

Of course, your wife might have different reason.

I should add that I never go out in the town we live in.

[mechamoose]

I look good and would pass ok, but she would never go any where with me in public

:( :(

On our last anniversary dinner I wore strappy heels, a sequined indian top and printed jeans. I wore mascara and dangly earrings. The host at the restaurant complimented *both* of us on how we looked.

It *can* be fine. I'm sorry that your partner finds your identity and presentation an issue.

Clothes are clothes.

Roles are roles.

Partnership is.. well $hit. None of the rest matters or should matter. You have promised to be there 'no matter what'. this is one of those 'what' issues.

Yes, I'm an idealist. If I don't envision the world how it should be, then how will it ever get there?

- MM

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife, then girlfriend, about my dressing on our second date. She is ok with it and tells me I look quite good dressed (you be the judge lol) She will pick up clothes if she is out shopping, or some makeup if she is at MAC or Sephora and I ask her. We have been out once or twice but she tells me she has no interest in it. Thats fine. She is very understanding and I love her for that; among other things. And she has interests that bore me to tears which she does on our own. Works out well.

[pamela7]

Stephanie nails this. and when I've brought up to my SO that she also dresses when we go out so no-one recognises her, she doesn't want to. Nor will she even allow me having painted nails at the gym! I'm likely to just break this agreement if I don't get some progress though.

[mechamoose]

I agree that Stephanie has a great take on this.

It isn't about 'passing', honey. I don't think it is about that at all.

If the OP's girl was fine with a 'passing' person, then I don't think we would be hearing this question.. Ok. maybe they would. I'm not happy with that, but that is a possibility.

But why does a 'less than passing' presentation cause a problem? Embarrassment?

Embarrassed about *what* exactly?

*why?*

I don't personally care who you are or how you present. Aside from our particular arena, it would be like having your partner object to you wearing ties every day. It is just eff'in *clothes*. Does a suit mean that I'm a manly-man? How about a flannel shirt and overalls? Bear skins?

We each play a crucial role in our relationships. I love my wife dearly, but she won't cook a meal without microwave directions on the box. Does that somehow make her unworthy? We each do what we can, how we can. How is gender identity/presentation any different than that?

A relationship is a pairing of equals. You each have weaknesses, you each have strengths. It is how you fit with your "other's" abilities that says how well you work together.


- MM

[Janet161]

I have zero interest in my wife accompanying me on a night out as Janet. I might add, for full disclosure, she disapproves. But even if she did approve, I would not want to to do that.

[Nadya]

I don't have that problem with my fiancé but I am not comfortable with her coming out with me yet. I'm not sure why, maybe if someone we know sees her with me they might recognize me easier.

[Alice_2014_B]

My wife is not 100% sure on going out in public dressed up.

[Debra Russell]

Me too - you are not alone and it's not uncommon for a cd's wife's view - but it could be worse...............................Debra

[Greenie]

Thank you everyone for your help with this problem. I think it is time to sit and talk more about her reasons for not going out with me. All of the ideas are good reasons for my problem. Thanks again for all replies.

She might be okay with you and the changing of your identity, but going out with you then comes more into the land of changing her own identity. Maybe she is not ready for her identity to change as well. Even if you are noticed or spotted when out it only really effects you unless others can tell who you are, not just that you are Crossdressed. I am sure that she will look like herself regardless, is she ready to be spotted as out with a CDer? Are you out? If you are not then maybe she doesnt want to be outed with her Crossdresser husband?

Also, maybe she just doesnt want to. Crossdressing is something that you do for you. She sounds accepting and make comments on your appearance. Maybe that is the extent of her comfort level?

[DonnaT]

My wife has been out with me, but has backed off doing that. She indicated that she's just not comfortable with using my name, Donna, or female pronouns, in public.

Plus, we've been married 39½ yrs, and are always holding hands and such. Not being able to do that, also makes her feel bad.

[Gwinnie]

My wife and I are possibly going out in a few weeks. We've been close to going out before. I suggested we just go out shopping. She wants to go out for dinner too. The big concerns for her are, what to call me. What are "we"? She's worried someone might be mean to me. She and I are very touchy feely. How would we explain that? I don't have answers to either of these. We've shopped together a lot with me in drab, but never dressed. I've been out dressed before by myself. Either way it will be interesting.

Gwendolyn

[CherylFlint]

I told my wife about me being a CD on Day One.
She asked me to come over to her apartment that first weekend and “dress” for her, which I did.
When I came out of the bathroom the first thing she said was, “Let me help you with your makeup”.
She calls the shots. Tells me when I can dress and often picks-out my outfits.
If she’s going to shop, she’ll have me accompany her either dressed or not.
It’s all her choice.
Sometimes she’ll want me to dress for bed wearing a sheer gown.
She’s the boss and that’s how it all works in my house.
The 2nd bedroom closet is mine.
This system has worked well for us for many years because I told her the truth from the very start.
She has said that she’d rather look at a nice looking woman than an obvious CD.
She has also said that many of the wives and girl-friends of the CDs on this blog should either get with the program or let the CD find someone who can appreciate them.
She has also said that there are MANY women who would like their husbands to dress for them.