Risk of Over-Confidence

[SandraB]

I'm a fairly shy person and would go bright red when embarrassed. When I bought female attire, I always did so on-line as I felt I would not be able to carry it off to remain calm buying in a department store etc. as I'm too self-conscious. Most of what I bought came from the UK (I live in Ireland and the on-line selections are very poor for someone of my stature) and before I came out to my wife, I ended up paying fairly high shipping costs as well as post box charges as I did not want them to arrive home and have to explain to my wife. Anyway, this turned out to be a very expensive way to shop as frequently the items I ordered did not turn out the way I expected, did not fit etc. and returning them could be nearly as expensive as just writing them off.

With a few hard lessons learned, I decided I had to bite the bullet and buy more locally. That way I see what I'm getting and is easy to return if not right. Anyway, I started doing this and after once or twice it became easy. I read advice that the shop assistants are generally happy just to make a sale, are more likely to think you are buying for some girlfriend/wife (though mine would need to be a very large one!) and/or would simply not care or give it a separate thought. Anyway, so far so good.

I recently decided I wanted to buy a wig. As these can be fairly expensive, I really wanted to go to a wig shop, get fitted and see what I'm getting. Again, in my case, I need a fairly large size and if I went on-line I could see myself spend a lot of money without satisfaction. I have overcome the shyness to some extent having successful shopping outings. When buying a wig, there is no real way of presenting for sizing without admitting to being a cd. I decided I would take the plunge.

As I'm still very self-conscious I wanted to be fairly sure that whatever place I choose would be cd sympathetic. Therefore, I researched some wig shops in Ireland on the internet bulletin boards for wig shops that are ok with cd clients. I live quite a ways from Dublin and to my surprise there were a lot of threads about how un-cd friendly a lot of wig shops were. Anyway, I came across a thread with some positive recommendations by other cd'ers / tgs about a wig shop in Dublin. I looked them up on line, and posted a query through their on-line contact form just providing my e-mail address and stating I'm a cd and my interest in getting fitted for a feminine wig. Anyway, after a week I received no reply to my query. I don't travel to Dublin too much, but I did need to go on the following day and so was disappointed to not hear back. Anyway, I was thinking I would just show up as I had seen some positive recommendations and my own confidence was growing.

However, at the last minute, I was having some doubts and decided that if I admitted to being a cd to someone else in person and it wasn't well received that I would probably die of embarrassment. This would have a devastating affect on my confidence. So luckily, I decided to phone the shop and talk to a sales person. Once I explained what I was looking for, the SA told me that while they did cater to cd/tg in the past they no longer would serve these clients. Boy, did I feel relieved that I made the phone call.

Just sharing the story, as I feel it was an experience of where some success and over-confidence could lead to rash actions. I must remember to think before I leap!

Anyway, in the case of a wig, I'm back to online. I did find a place that provide off the shelf large wigs (25" cap circumference) in the UK ... I've placed my order, so here's hoping it turns out ok.

[BobbyRay]

Hi I'm not sure if different terms apply to the republic but as I'm also based in the UK I've found ASOS and Very useful in adding to my wardrobe as they have good return policies one or the other may be both have free returns if I remember right and both stock a Tall range which is very useful as a CD.

If your looking for wigs have you tried http://www.thebreastformstore.co.uk/ I haven't used them myself yet due to lack of funds meaning I can't justify the purchase but all you pay on returns is the postage though I don't know how much that might be from the republic rather the NI or the mainland UK.

[Sarah-RT]

I'm from Ireland too, I go to college in Dublin and often end up shopping in penneys, I get that dreaded fear when shopping too.

There are quite a few wig shops on Moore street owned by some African and Asian people, have always wanted to go in but it's a rougher area of the city and I'd prefer to avoid the hassle, I currently buy my wigs off amazon.

To save on Internet shipping, look up parcel motel, it's a night line subsidiary. If you give Amazon their address in Belfast you can send deliveries there and avail of "free uk postage"
They send them down to the dublin depot and then the holding lockers around the country, very handy for closeted dressers.

[valeriesue]

Sandra,

That is a good lesson for all of us to remember that not every store will be friendly to us. I have bought a few items of clothing in stores but I am usually so nervous about it that I think everyone that looks at me knows that it for me but I don't think twice about looking in the women's section if I am buying a present for someone else but if I am there buying for myself I think everyone knows. I too am pretty self-conscious as well so I can relate to how hard it is to go shopping in store. I don't really have any good advise for you other than the more we do things the easier it becomes. As your post points out we always need to remain aware of where we are what we are doing.

[Jessie James]

So luckily, I decided to phone the shop and talk to a sales person. Once I explained what I was looking for, the SA told me that while they did cater to cd/tg in the past they no longer would serve these clients.

They don't want to "sully" the store image or something? Your money is just as good as anyone else's. Things like this just solidify the fact that we are considered "less than" and that is very upsetting to me.

Anyway to be on topic. This doesn't really have to do with CDing, but I occasionally am overconfident when I talk to people. I will act like I know more about something than I actually do, this tends to lead to me feeling a bit foolish at times when I called out on something and can't come up with a correct answer.

Jessie~☆

[Jenniferathome]

... I would probably die of embarrassment. This would have a devastating affect on my confidence.

Sandra, why? Someone you don't know and will never see again, doesn't like you. So? I hate to inform you but there are some strangers who think poorly of you in guy mode. Do you care? We should only care what people think of us if we respect them. Strangers don't fit that situation.

[docrobbysherry]

What Jenn said.

And, if u keep shopping in stores for yourself u r eventually going to run into some disapproving stranger. Don't worry about it. Just don't return to that store.

[Katey888]

Sandra - I can feel for you with this one... :hugs:

Wigs are a toughie - I've got lucky with some purchases but others have just been a blow out... Like you I've found a wig retailer that does support TG folk (Banbury Postiche) but it still takes some steeling of sinews to make that step. I haven't done it yet, and I do still grapple with the thought of going somewhere like that in guy mode with everyone knowing that the purchase is obviously for a different 'mode' - but they're professionals, and they ultimately want to see the contact pad on your credit card, so I'm sure if you can find one it will be fine.

Good call for making that first contact though - it's best not to have anything that can be unsettling if it's not necessary. :)

Katey x

[pamela7]

House of Fraser - certainly at Exeter and I suspect in all stores - have a discreet wig store on its whole own top floor, its in its own boutique, by appointment, and the lady there pulls curtains across, so not even other members of staff would know. Once inside you can reveal your wishes wig-wise, from a huge collection. It is not even too expensive, in fact its awesome, cos you are shown how to fit them, you get to try them on, can take a friend/SO, until the "right one" is on. In fact the lady there is very good at intuiting what works, and my own choice was between the first and second wigs she suggested - I chose 2nd one in the end, after trying on loads!

[Michelle 78]

Hi Sandra,

I know how you feel about this one, I am the same I go bright red when I feel embarrassed sometimes even when I'm not and it can feel like a curse. I've always bought my wigs from Amazon so far, but there are a few UK wig sites online but as you say if it doesn't fit you have all the messing around of sending it back. I also paid through the nose for shipping charges for items when I started, but shopping local is the best in everyday department stores or supermarkets as most times people don't care what you buy.

Michelle

[Marcelle]

Hi Sandra,

It saddens me to hear how a store "would no longer serve these clients" like we are some pariah tribe of misfits. However, you need to do what is comfortable for you. Keep searching though, I am sure they are not all intolerant shops. Good luck with your on-line wig purchase and keep us updated.

Hugs

Isha

[Bria]

Discrimination is ugly regardless of whether it is race, religion, sexual orientation, national origin or whatever. Here in the middle of America a man took his own life because as a candidate for Missouri governor there was a whisper campaign that he was Jewish when he was not. I guess I thought that we had gotten over that some years ago, but I guess not.

But I digress, Sandra, you were very smart to call ahead to find out if you would be welcome at that establishment, it does give them an idea that they are turning away business by their policies. In my business, auto repair, I tell my coworkers that I don't care if a customer is green, purple or anything else, if their money is green we will do our best to serve them in a professional manner, it just makes good sense to me.

Hugs, Bria

[Beverley Sims]

Overconfidence can come from too many successes and one letdown is always a great leveler.
Wig shops especially get a lot of "offbeat" people and they will shy away from certain types.
I always go in and ask and if refused smile, say thanks and leave.

On one occasion I was called back as I was leaving and it was explained to me that some customers are brash, outspoken and sometimes scruffy.

I never bought a wig on that occasion but I did have a pleasant one hour interaction with the staff there.

[Rogina B]

Confidence and lack of is a human trait.. Please remember that some "wig shops" of the world have the many "chemo therapy patients" as their customer base. Many of those customers lack the confidence to show their bald head to a "walk in crowd" that wants "to have a look at" the wigs on display in the store. Chances are that the lady without hair will be buying and buying and buying repeatedly for a good while IF she is made comfortable there. The genetic male that is looking at wigs is less likely to need new ones so often as they are not wearing them full time. Most likely,if you walk into the shop wearing one,you will be viewed as a more likely customer. Right or wrong,it is a "customer" profile for a "brick and mortar" wig retailer.

[SandraB]

Thanks all for your input and there are a number of good tips there for me to try out.
Pam: The House of Fraser in Exeter sounds exactly like the type of service I would like in getting a wig. I see there is a House of Fraser in Dublin and is worth checking out for future expeditions.
BobbyRay: I did check out the breastforms store and have purchased some items from them. While they have a wide selection of wigs at reasonable prices, the sizing seems to be 'one size fits most' where I'm not included in 'most'! I hadn't heard of ASOS. They look promising for future on-line shopping as they offer free shipping to Ireland (with €25 or over purchases) . I'll be adding them to my on-line shopping address book.
Sarah: I'm from down the country, near Limerick and we have a few of the African/Asian wig shops which I was initially going to try. However, I read on another bulletin board from a cd in Cork that these shops are not cd/tg friendly so decided not to go there. This may be an over generalisation as it is likely within that community the reaction may differ by individual store - however, it did raise my wariness.
Parcel Motel is an excellent service and I use it all the time. However, paying shipping charges for delivery and the Parcel Motel charges on top can really add up especially for relatively inexpensive purchases. Having come out to my wife has helped as I now have the items shipped direct unless shipping to Parcel Motel makes more sense for other reasons.
Sherry/Jenn: I keep telling myself the same thing about strangers and in reality, I don't care. This situation will happen and has happened despite my efforts to avoid it. However, when it happens and I feel my face starting to hot up which in turn accelerates my colour to a glowing red, I feel extremely uncomfortable and a feeling I try to avoid as much as possible. It's really sad that at 56 I'm still this way, though I must say that I'm able to handle it better as I get older and bolder. The other problem though is that, aside from Dublin, down the country in Ireland there is a fairly high probabiltiy that the SA you deal with at the counter si a son or daughter of someone you know well. Also, if waiting in a queue for payment, there is a high probability of meeting one of your neighbours in the queue. I can only imagine the polite small talk in the queue about our purchases when I'm clearly carrying a UK 22 size dress and my wife is a size 10.
While Ireland has come a very long way in terms of opennesss and tolerance, gossip is still very much part of the fabric binding our communities and there are still some that delight in the ridicule of others.
Anyway, regarding the wig, I found http://www.contrastwigs.com/ online in UK and they offer a good selection of large size wigs (up to 25" circumference ... most others seem to offer only up to size 22"/23"). I've placed the order and expect to get it next week. Hopefully, it lives up to expectations.

[Dianne S]

...that while they did cater to cd/tg in the past they no longer would serve these clients.

That may be illegal. Ireland is a member of the EU. The EU's Charter of Fundamental Rights prohibits discrimination on the ground of sex, and the European Court of Justice has ruled that this also refers to transgender people. Unfortunately, if you're "just" a crossdresser and not transitioning, the EU law may not apply to you. There must be LGBT organizations in Ireland who could answer and possibly help out.

[SandraB]

Dianne: You're probably right but I'm not brave enough (I'm a coward!) to challenge it at this point.

[ophelia]

I was treated to this kind of thing at my favorite store "melanie lynne" at Bayshore in Ottawa. So my money takes a walk elsewhere.

[Rogina B]

There must be LGBT organizations in Ireland who could answer and possibly help out. They have a right to not go after the business..Perhaps they feel there isn't enough call for large cap wigs.And to repeat what I said earlier,they may specialize in chemo patients who may not be comfortable bald headed in front of a walk in crowd...

[Eryn]

When I wore wigs I always purchased them on-line. I considered wig shops, but since much of their clientele are women who are going through severe personal trials and are buying wigs by necessity I decided that I didn't want to possibly add to their burden by my presence. I realize that this isn't totally rational, but that was my feeling.

That said, I don't think that it is proper for a shop to say "we don't serve your kind." They should be willing to show the same discretion to us as they do to their other clients. If that means a private appointment, so be it, but rejecting business clients outright for what they are is not acceptable.

[paulinescotlandcd]

What a shame and what a very poor show. Pack your bags and jump on a plane or a ferry and make a date to go to Parruche over her in sunny Scotland's Glasgow city centre and have the wig trimmed and styled to suit your face perfectly. I emailed them first and got a lovely email very quickly and i made a date to pop in. Lovely experience and great wig!

http://www.parrucche.co.uk/content/about/

[Dianne S]

They have a right to not go after the business

Maybe in the US, but in a lot of countries businesses do not have the right to refuse service on the basis of prohibited grounds for discrimination. Even in the US, a business would get in trouble for refusing service to blacks, for example.

[SandraB]

Pauline: If I have occassion to go to Scotland I'll be sure to check them out. The wig in you avatar does look great!

Just on some of the other threads, I would not be keen myself purchasing a feminine wig if it were obvious to other clients in the store that that was what I was doing. I'm as keen on discretion as any other client might be. The reason I called the store in question was that they have private appointment rooms and customers can have full privacy when fitting / buying a wig. Anyway, my view is if they don't want to deal with me, then I don't want to deal with them. I don't know the current legislation but in many of the more progressive countries including the EU, the days of discrimination on the basis of sexual preferences etc. are numbered. Aside from the legal aspect, there is also much more tolerance and acceptance within the general public of different preferences which is a good thing. However, change can be slow but it does seem to improve with each new generation.

[Rogina B]

With the wording of the OP[SandraB],I see no discrimination intended by the store. Perhaps they don't want to inventory large cap wigs and tie their money up for few sales.

[lingerieLiz]

I disagree with Rogina that cancer patients are a long term customer. I've known many women including my wife that have gone through chemo. They only purchased a single wig. On the other hand some older women wear wigs full time and have large collections. I've purchased several wigs and found that some shops have no problems nor their customers on the other hand some people just flat don't like CDs or TGs.

[ReineD]

They don't want to "sully" the store image or something?


I'm wondering if it may have more to do with skull size? Maybe they only stock average women's sizes? I have the same problem with shoes. I have a larger-than-average foot for a woman (size 11) and it is almost impossible to find shoes in retail stores.

To SandraB, if you cannot find stores that carry the larger sizes, be sure to measure your head before ordering online or by phone if you find a style you like online. These are imperial measurements but you might look to find metric conversions if this is how wigs are sold in the UK:

http://www.todaystylist.com/How_To_%20Measure_For_Your_Wig_Size.htm
http://www.ebay.com/gds/The-Foolproof-Way-of-Finding-Your-Wig-Size-/10000000177631103/g.html

[SandraB]

I don't want to make a big deal of it but to be clear we never even got to wig size discussion etc. They just did not want CD clients. As to why they don't is pure speculation as I never questioned their reasons. I was just relieved that I called ahead and spared me the embarrassment of getting the rejection in person.