Finding Someoe to share with

[BobbyRay]

Hi guys's/gals

I could really use some advice,

I'm at the stage where I really feel like I need to share about my crossdressing with someone close to me but I'm really struggling about who to approach.
For those who have come out who did you approach and how, if you did, how did you identify who was safe to come out to.

I don't currently have a significant other so that isn't an option and neither are my parents. They know I've crossdressed in the past as I got caught in my early days of crossdressing and did not react well at the time due to religious beliefs and we are now in a don't ask don't tell on that topic as far as I'm concerned. I have no idea if they know that I still CD and I know they'll love me whatever but I don't want to hurt them as I don't think they'ed be able to accept it based on past experiences.

Bobby

[CD_Princess1234]

Coming out in this lifestyle unfortunately can go either way. You have to be certain about who you are and the lifestyle you want to live. I can only speak from my own experiences. I remain private about who I am. I do go out and have fun in public but it was something I did alone until I met others like myself. I frequent the gay bars and socialize there with a small group of people I have gotten to know. I'll clear the air in room and say "just because you are going to a gay bar does not mean your gay" They are great company I share with parts of my life and only know me by Rachael. I won't tell you to go blurt your feelings out to just anyone or that you need to do it now. You will find people here to share your thoughts and experiences. This may not be the answer you were hoping for..... but we are here to listen and share with you. Let's call it a start

[Candy Cox]

Hi there girl,
It looks like you are new here, so Welcome !
Please read a lot on the forum, you can learn much in a short time. There are so many girls with great advise here. Many have experienced so many things, so we can definitely find some common friends and good advice. Each of us has a different situation, so don't think there is a "right answer" to be found, actually, the right answer is "it all depends..." Research is a good thing (but hey, I am an engineer) so that is my take. Put on a dress and a cute pair of pumps and get to know the girls here!

I have not told anyone, but my wife knows "I like to wear girls shoes". If only she knew that I am wearing a skirt and high heel boots and I type this, and hey- what about those boxes of stuff- what is in there anyway? whew.
Free hugs,
Candy

[MelodyS.]

Only a very small handful of people know I crossdress. I came out to a close friend of mine who is very supportive. I approached her when I was in what I call my "darkest period" and knew she had available resources to help me. She is someone I have known for a long time, it helps to know that the person you are telling is someone you can trust and very open minded. She knows I have no interest in her romantically, I think that is also key in why I told her. She feels safe with me and I feel safe with her. If you are going to tell someone, just make sure you know you can trust them. That is key.

[Brooke B]

I'm in the same boat as you dear. I just got done talking to my wife and was going to make the same post. That's funny. My wife found out about my other side about 6 months ago. We talked but also had different thoughts. She doesn't like it and thought it was a one time thing. We have now talked about it again about two weeks ago and shes struggling with it. We're both struggling with it. She wants me to stop but I don't know if I can or want to. I want to bring in a third person but its hard for her to open up to people. She doesn't want to go to a group but said I could. I really think it would be best if we both did but that's me. So I truelly believe it's based on your relationship with family or others. For me I think my wife's aunt or sister would be our best choice. They're both really open minded but yet you never know. Someone close though that way everyone involved can feel a sense of security. I've really been thinking about telling the aunt. That way my wife would feel comfortable talking to her but she's scared and doesn't want to tell anyone. I don't blame either I guess. That's my take but I could be way out in right field too. I'm interested to hear from others also. Never thought in a million years it would be this tough to pick someone or just tell someone period! LOL!

[mechamoose]

I just recently had a local member reach out to me.

I didn't think I needed it, but having that happen made me 'squee'.

I think we all need local folks who will help us 'self validate'. "Alone" sucks.

<3

- MM

[ReineD]

You might want to find a TG support group to join, and make friends there.

[Nancy Sue]

Hi Bobby, and welcome to the forum. Sorry for the long post, but here goes:

You will find many people here who have the same questions as you, and many who had the same questions and have some answers of what they did, what worked, and what didn't, from their perspective. When I came here three years ago it was to try to learn some things about myself and my feelings, by observing and talking to others like me. Of course nobody is exactly like me, or like you.

You mentioned you could not discuss this with your parents, and why. I had the exact same beliefs, and exact same reasons, and so I never did. My parents knew that I crossdressed at different periods of my life (I got caught), too, and may have thought, or hoped, that I "got over it". They have passed now, but as I learned many things here I began to realize things in my life, and interactions with my parents as an adult, where they were actually opening up to me more than I realized at the time. I was so afraid to be open with them I did not see their willingness to be open to me. I wish I had talked with them when they were still here, now.

Princess mentioned in her response that just because she goes with friends to a gay bar does not mean she is gay. People tend to think if someone is gay or lesbian they are also bi, or if they crossdress they must be gay. Neither is necessarily true, and I have read things suggesting as many as 80% of men who crossdress are heterosexual.

I recommend you plan to NOT come out to them right away - but take the time to read many, many of the threads, and start to learn what you think, what you feel, and try to learn something about why you feel and think the way you do. We are all different, but as I read more and more here, I have been exposed to different perspectives I would not have thought about. One of the girls signatures here says "I don't want to be a woman - I just want to dress like one sometimes." It speaks to me, and is very much the way I feel. But I was on this site for over two years before I saw, and realized, that the statement expresses how I feel. I must have seen her signature dozens of times before my mind said "Hey, look at that - it is the way you feel". I have friends who live 24/7 as women, and while I have had times when I wished I could dress 24/7 (at least for a while, a week, or two perhaps), I realize that I am one who likes much of the male part of my life also.

Reading these posts for the past three years has helped me answer a lot of the questions I had, at least in part - and to feel like I am less confused than I used to be. My wife knows I crossdress, but not to the extent. She does not know why, as we have never discussed it in a serious, meaningful way. I have decided to see a counselor, to help me sort some things out, and perhaps see if there is a path to discuss this with her. I have an appointment for next week. She knows I am starting to see a counselor, and she knows why. She suggested it. But it took me 60 years of being confused about my life, and my needs, wants and desires, and three years of being on this forum, reading posts, and talking to people, to get where I am today. (This forum was not available to us 20, 30 or 40 years ago, of course.)

So back to your question, and my recommendations: Do not expect that coming on this site for a few days or weeks, and asking a few questions, will give you everything you need to know about discussing this with your parents - if you decide to do that. It will help you begin to find a path, though. In time, in reading more posts, in asking more questions, and perhaps meeting some girls here you can talk to more or less one-on-one, will give you a big jump in understanding yourself, who you are, how you feel, and why you feel that way. Reine suggests joining a group, and I agree. As you begin to answer some of those questions - new questions will come. But in time (in time) this will help you begin to know what you will say to your parents, how you will say it, and when you will say it - if you do.

Hope that helps. Nancy

[bridget thronton]

Only you know who you can trust and when to tell them. I told my wife first, then 4 female friends (who were marvelous) and the my adult children and their partners. I do not hide from strangers, but do not feel compelled to tell many more.

[JeanetteX]

Hi Bobby,

I'm glad you brought this topic up again...I asked about the same question a while back as I'm in the same boat as you regarding my parents. They too are very religious people and would never understand my dressing, let alone accept it. After years of having a difficult relationship with my parents we now get along really well and I would never want to ruin that again. That's why I decided to never tell them...my advice to you therefore is to keep quiet about it to your parents if you already know they wouldn't accept anyway.

I fortunately have a very dear girlfriend who I have known since my schooldays. We have never been lovers but are simply best friends for life and have together shared a lot of good and bad times. A few years ago she revealed a deep secret to me that she had always kept to herself and that's when I decided to tell her my dressing secret. She was really supportive and sharing my secret with somebody felt like a weight fell off my shoulders...I had never felt so relieved before in my life.

What I'm trying to say is that if you have a real close friend as well it could surely be worth it to tell him/her. To me it felt great but of course I don't know about your friendships so its up to yourself to make a decision.

Other than that I have found this forum a great help too. It feels so refreshing to read all those stories of like minded people. So another piece of advice would be to frequently visit this site and to keep reading and posting yourself...you will definitely feel good about it.

Good luck and all the best,

Jeanette

[Michelle 78]

Hello Bobby,

It's funny you should ask about sharing your dressing as I posted a thread just last week about sharing and getting options and feedback from others. I have no SO and I have only ever told my Mother but if you don't have that option all I can suggest as others have, is talk to the others like us on here, I have messaged others from all over the world on here since I joined who are just like you and me and it helped me so much as most people don't understand what dressing is all about. The girls on here are really supportive. Also you could seek out a support group local to you, I have thought about doing that myself but have not done that yet.

I totally understand that keeping dressing bottled up is sometimes is not the best way for some, that is why I told my mother as it is a big weight lifted from you. Only you can decide which route is best for you.

Take care

Michelle

[Marcelle]

Hi Bobby,

Coming out to those around us is a tricky thing and like coming out to an SO, it can only go one of two ways (acceptance on some level or no acceptance). I have come out to quite a few people in the past year, some have left never to darken my doorway again and others stuck around.

If you have close friends, you might approach one of them but again, once that bell is rung it cannot be silenced. I am more inclined to recommend a TG Support Group where you can meet up with others, share, laugh and just have a good time. As you get more comfortable with yourself, you might then decide to take the plunge and tell others, then again you may not.

Hugs

Isha

[Amy Lynn3]

May I suggest meeting someone from this forum might be the best to start with. Just look at others who live near you and contact them, to see if they would enjoy having lunch. I have met many members from this site and have enjoyed them all.

Meeting a like minded person, in my opinion would be much better, to give you confidence for maybe letting others know about yourself.:2c:

[Melissa Rose]

I am one who also believes reaching out by joining a group or finding other cross dressers in the community is a better and safer first step. Once you tell someone, you can never take it back.

One question I ask someone who has a strong need to tell someone else and it is not someone who should probably know (e.g., SO) is "why?". Step back and examine your reason(s). When you tell someone your "secret", you now burden them with the knowledge and some may not want to know or have that responsibility while others are happy to help you carry it. Family members and close friends tend to have the strongest reactions, and it can be a surprise who reacts in what way. If you feel you are deceiving someone who deserves to know then tell them when the time and place is right. If your need is to relieve yourself of guilt or to receive affirmation you are accepted or understood, loved, not a freak, etc. then think really hard about who you are telling and why them in particular. Groups or other cross dressers are great for finding acceptance, understanding and discovering you are not broken. If the reason is more soley for your benefit, think twice about who you are telling and why. I am not saying never tell, but examining your motives may guide you in who you tell. Good luck in your search.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Perhaps I've been lucky, but so far I've come out to about 10 people including my wife, and have only encountered acceptance and good-humoured support. But I have very liberal friends. I think you have to think very hard about potential confidantes, think back to their reactions over people or issues that would indicate their degree of openness. Do they judge others? Do they look for opportunities to travel, to meet a wide spectrum of people? Do their friends include gays of either sex? Are they bigoted or prejudiced in any respect? Do they make jokes or sarcastic comments about others, whether gay/straight/left-handed/coffee-coloured or whatever?

Ultimately it comes down to your gut- how much do you trust them? And are you willing to take a chance?

It certainly means the world to me to be able to share it, though my friends don't actually include any crossdressers...yet.

Good luck with your decision Bobby and please let us know what you decide and how it goes.

[Janet161]

I will echo everyone else's comments. You really need to think about why you want to come out to someone. It sounds like you are desperate to come out to someone. Not a particular person, but just to someone, anyone, in your world-by that I mean the world that you live in as a "normal" man. I totally get that. The difference being, (1) some people may feel a need to come out to a particular person for a particular reason, such as one's spouse because you don't want to lie to them, or feel like you are lying to them or you feel they have a right to know and to assess on their own whether they want to stay with you; (2) you may feel like you just need to come out to someone, anyone, because if you don't you feel like you are going to explode. I recently experienced both of those things and so I came out to my wife and it could not have gone worse. So please think long and hard about what you want to do and why you want to do it. Good luck. I really want you to be happy.

[carhill2mn]

I agree with Janet. Please examine the reasons as to why you want to confide in someone. What do you expect to gain? Why do you think telling someone will make you feel better?

There is n old saying - You cannot unring a bell!

[Beverley Sims]

Bobby,
There is no necessity to share with others.
It my come up in conversation at a party sometime in the future with a stranger for instance.
Don't feel let down if they say good for you and show no interest whatsoever.
Tell someone with a background knowledge of yourself and it will be all over town.
No one will care, they will all know and why?

It was an interesting conversation piece at the time.

No, don't tell anyone.

[immike]

Bobby-My name is Michelle.I am totally absolutely in secrecy about my dressing,only because for many years I used to wear my mothers clothes.I would secretly order pantyhose,underwear,online.I would secretly enter her closet,in the morning,after she left for work&slide into a pair of pantyhose&try on all of her many
outfits,skirts,dress slacks,dresses,all of her silky blouses&I'd pick out a pair of her heels&practice walking in heels.I'd close all the curtains so no neighbors looked
in&I'd dress fully in one of her expensive skirtsuits&a silky blouse&heels.I was petrified one day when my sister made a surprise appearance,as I was fully dressed in a
mini skirt,silky blouse,off black pantyhose&heels,sitting at mothers makeup table,with one of her wigs,doing my makeup.I ran down the backstairway,in heels&hid in
the garage until she left