friday night phantoms

[LookingGlass]

Friday nights with nothing to do may be the worst these last few months. Tonight has been le piece de resistance, though certainly no peace. With nothing else to do of course I get dolled up. Changed outfits a few times… typical routine. I finally settled on a bodycon-like dress I got on sale at Dillard’s. I’m looking in the mirror at the finished product with the dress and heels and everything else and I think, “Wow!” I am looking at myself thinking I feel completely great about how I look and feel. Loved it. Cloud 9 and all that jazz parading around the apartment. Then the phantoms showed up in the mirror.

About 12 years ago I started this trend of build-and-purge a wardrobe on the cheap in between relationships. I’m still confused how one girlfriend didn’t notice the platform heels on the computer room floor in my apartment one night she stopped over briefly. So now after a second divorce I’ve picked back up and this time actually get closet space to hang stuff up. I look at it all, clothes and shoes, and I smile contently. Then the phantoms show up again.

My ex-wife here and best friend back in my hometown know. They’ve both been supportive in different ways. My friend has been completely non-judgmental about it, and my ex has actually gone shopping with me. That last one is going to hurt because I really enjoyed it, but I suspect she is about get into a relationship with a new guy and I am not one to step on another’s toes there. The problem I’ve run into is that I really don’t have a clue how far it goes, and tonight actually made me break down and cry about it. I think I’ve only really ever had one close male friend. I’ve always befriended women much easier. Personal life, professional life. And while there was always what I called a sexual attraction to women, there of course was always something else to it. Starting at 6 I was either stealing away catalogs from Sears or JCP or whoever. I would play out fantasies at night when I was supposed to be asleep that I was forced to wear girls’ clothes. I even made Princess Leia slave girl outfit out of pajamas that I accidentally fell asleep in. Years later my mom admitted she saw me asleep in it. I think I turned so pale I disappeared.

So, I never really tried to think much of it. Something always felt off, felt strange. After years of refusing to think much on it because I was afraid of a lot of things with it, I’ve tried changing that routine. Most of the girls and women I’ve befriended so much always had a quality I admired, and sometimes I really was attracted to them, sometimes because of that thing they had that now I think I wanted for myself. I walk around in life in guy mode and I feel like I have to be some shadow. Avoid gazes, move in and out quickly. I get into girl mode and I feel normal and happy. Then I start to break down because underneath the clothes and hair and shoes and makeup there is still a male body who can’t make heads or tails of decades of confusion. My friend back home years ago (before she knew) said it was always easy hanging out with me because I was one of the girls so to speak. My ex and people every now and then make comments about me being like a woman about something odd and random has not helped the confusion. I feel so stuck and lost and confused and so tired of it.

I’ve started and retyped this so many times I don’t remember what the different trains of thought were going and I know this may start to get to the realm of TL;DR. Maybe I just needed the Internet to rant on tonight. Anyway, whoever reads this, this “girl” has many thanks for you.

Dani

[pamela7]

Hi Dani,
How far it goes? You're somewhere on the TG spectrum, clearly wanting to be with a woman but also dressed/living as one yourself. That's very normal CD. Then your body dysphoria is suggestive you may well feel a woman in a male body ... it's time to talk to discuss here to ask people who've experienced the spectrum, and make your own mind up on how you want to be the rest of your life.

xxx Pamela

[Laura912]

Dani, reading your post was a bit like reading an autobiography of myself. You are somewhere on the TG spectrum and appear to need a little help finding where. Unfortunately modern GPS does not show "your are here" for the spectrum. Would strongly encourage some professional help. If you were in my area, I would be wiling to do some of the initial listening but you need more of an unbiased listener. The emotional roller coaster can be smoothed out with help. Best wishes.

[CarlaWestin]

................ “Wow!” I am looking at myself thinking I feel completely great about how I look and feel......................Then the phantoms showed up in the mirror..............................I feel so stuck and lost and confused and so tired of it.................I've started and retyped this so many times I don't remember what the different trains of thought were going

Hi Dani, and welcome to the normal feeling club. It's interesting that your handle, "LookingGlass" is the domain of the phantoms you describe. I think you are very close to shedding off the residual guilt that has been self imposed over these years. Just think for a moment, you do like emulating your feminine side until the fear of how other people will judge you enters your thoughts. There's nothing wrong with being happy with that which makes you happy. This desire to crossdress is a very unique gift. I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a total male persona (perceived) because I've had so many exhilarating experiences on the female side. Things will sort themselves out with age but, you need to turn up the self acceptance all the way. Kick the phantoms (left over guilt from previous condemnation) off of that pedestal and climb up there yourself. Life's too short to just exist conforming to others assumed normalities.

[Katey888]

First off, Dani, you feel free to rant however and whenever you want... :) We all need to vent a little from time to time and where better than somewhere that actually appreciates and understands the type of conflict and confusion you're probably going through... :hugs:

Most of us have those phantoms of one sort or another, whether they are relationship-based issues or TG-related and the two can become quite intertwined with some of us. I'm fortunate in never having had to reconcile one with the other: the dressing has always been partitioned for me - but I can empathise about the way that you describe your attraction to women and some time back I think I had similar traits and perspectives in that I'd rather be with a girl than being 'blokey'... I look back now and realise that wasn't just related to the boy-girl relationship thing, but that I could be more sensitive and more myself with females...

I think Laura has offered some sound advice so far: perhaps it would be beneficial for you to seek some professional counselling on where these feelings are taking you? If you're feeling stuck and fed up with feelings being unresolved that's probably a good sign to find someone to talk to in depth - or it may be you just need some serious socialising 'en normal'...?? That can sometimes help too... :D

Good luck! Chin up, and Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Bria]

Dani, I'm glad that you have this place to rant. It is helpful to have some place to pore out some of the stuff that runs around in our heads. It helps to clarify our thoughts that seem jumbled and a bit incoherent to put them down in writing.

I agree with Laura and Katey, seeing a professional in the area of gender therapy may be very helpful to you in reaching some clarity of your own thoughts. I hope that you can come to a comfortable place for YOU.

Hugs, Bria

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Dani, I would suggest a useful step right now would be to find like-minded friends to hang with. Unless you live somewhere seriously remote, there should be some kind of CD-friendly organisation not too far away. Start here- tell us the general area you're in and see who pops up. We're a supportive bunch, I often read of people looking for contacts/friends- no reason why you shouldn't see what happens.

Best of luck and a big hug,

Nikki

[Tracii G]

I think self acceptance needs to be arrived at first.
Let go of the guilt Dani.
See if there is a TG support group in your area.Joining a support group has helped me so much.
The group has monthly meetings which are always fun and interesting and not a "hook up " sex thing like some think.
We talk about TG issues and other things then go out as a group to a club or to dinner.

[Anna Stouf]

Hi Dani,
All good advice in these posts. I really can't add much, but what I do want to say is: You are not alone. Most of us have had the same feelings, and I am living proof that there is life after the confusion.

I remember my first night alone after my first (of 3) divorce. I found myself sitting at the table hemming a skirt because I wanted it to be a little bit shorter. I went through all the things you are going through, and at the time, I was really confused. Professional counseling helped me A LOT.

That was 1974, 41 years ago. Since then I've been through 2 more divorces and a heart attack do to stress. And guess what?....I'm still here and still cross dressing and it is who I am.

YOU CAN DO IT TOO !! (but don't do the heart attack, LOL)

Hugs,

Anna

[LookingGlass]

Hello again,

Thank you, everyone, for the kind and helpful words so far. They have been very helpful to start off the day after finally pulling myself out of bed.

Nikkilovesdresses, on the question of general area, I currently reside in Arkansas. I've been trying to move back out but I really have no idea where I actually want to end up.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Dani,

You did a smart thing in starting to talk about it here! I know this might seem like talking into the wind at times, but just talking about it and explaining what you feel inside, can help getting things sorted out in your mind.

First thing to establish, is that there is nothing wrong with you having these feelings. While it might be difficult, it is perfectly normal and many here will tell you they feel the same and they feel normal!

You dont have to know where you are going or how deep the Rabbit hole is! There doesnt have to be a plan for the next month or year. See where it goes and take one day at a time.

I agree with the others in looking for a group of like minded people around you and look for friends to meet up with from this forum. Even if it takes a bit of travel to get together, it is worth it as it will allow you to socialize in a relaxed group. That can be both fun and be a learning experience.

When you get past the 10 posts, you can also start talking to people in private which can be good because it allows for more of a focused conversation. I'm sure many here will be happy to talk to you and be a friend!

But first, keep on talking about it here! The rest of us really dont have anything better to do than sit here and chat all day anyway .. honestly ;)

Hugs
Suzie

[LookingGlass]

So, Friday night phantoms turned into Saturday Shopping Spirits. Retail therapy for the win! It was especially needed on top of getting some slightly unfortunate, yet not unsuspected news. I have to thanks the clerks at Kohl's and Maurice's for their cheery naivety or Oscar-worthy performance in going along with whatever tales I concocted to explain why I was there. My mood brightened enough that by the time I got to JCPenney's I didn't even care to make up a story for what I was shopping for. Luckily none of the clerks cared by that point in the night.

Beyond that, thank you thank you thank you all for the advice. Thinking on it today I see the definite need to seek out help professional and peer-wise. I think it has just come to a point to finally sort out things I've avoided and refused too long.

Dani G.!

[Beverley Sims]

I think there is a long period of finding your true self here.

It took me a while but only a short time by your standards.