Bad experiences telling others

[Suzie Petersen]

I would like to share a couple really bad experiences I had, telling others about my CD/TG nature.
There is another thread right now, about the need and desire to share this with others, but I don't want to clutter it as what I have to say is pretty negative.
It does play into the Consider carefully why you want to share, and Who you want to share with!

Short background: Told my wife when we started dating, married over 30 yrs now. It has been up and down, mostly down and she basically cannot handle it. She has never wanted to talk to anyone about it but have felt terribly alone with the burden. I wish it was different, but I understand and accept that she feel like that.

Twice has she pushed (read: demanded) me to disclose this to someone else. Undoubtedly in the hope that these people would be able to help. Unfortunately, her desire for help is that I stopped the behavior and her choice of people for me to talk to reflect this.
I did not agree with the choice and predicted the result quite well as it turned out.

The first time it was the medical Doctor in the small village where we lived. I told him during a visit to get patched up for some unrelated injuries. It was a reasonably civil conversation, telling him how this had been part of my life since early childhood and how it was a problem between me and my wife.
He admitted that he knew nothing about this topic but said he would do some reading.
We talked some more about what it meant to me and it turned into a classic case of the patient educating the doctor.

I was back in his office about a week later, removing stitches and other things. The first indication that this wasn't going well was when I walked in and his nurse assistant looked at me and started crying! She then quickly left the room! I gathered he had probably told her about my Horrible secret!
The doctor attended to my wounds and didnt say anything about "the other thing". Before I left, I asked him and his reply was "There is nothing I can do for you!".

So ... I never went to that doctor again and have actually only been to a see a doctor a couple of times since when I absolutely had to. That was 25 years ago.

The second time she demanded that I talked to the Pastor at our church! Wonderful choice!
My wife was there with me and was pretty much crying the whole time. When I got a little ways into the "explanation" he said: "Well you certainly get the Shock the Pastor award for this year!".
Later he started laughing and said: "I simply have to ask ... What size dress do you wear?" He could barely contain himself laughing.
So we talked for a while longer and it got to the point of him concluding that I was ruining my marriage and that we "Needed to find some common ground", my wife and the pastor then decided that the Common Ground was that I stopped this strange behavior immediately.

So ... with a few exceptions, I never went back to church again! That was 7 years ago.

As you can imagine, I am not a big fan of indiscriminately telling people. These situations did not help anybody and, in my view, just made it worse. My wife got confirmed in that this is strange and bad behavior and apparently "everybody agree with her" so that ended the discussion.
I had already stopped dressing, Cold Turkey, some years before the Pastor incident, but it continued to be an issue for her for some reason.

Aside from this "thing", we have a good marriage and I love her dearly. Can't have everything in life and I had to chose.

So think about who you tell and why. Seriously consider the reason for telling and consider both the potential benefits and the potential negative sides. Make sure it makes sense first.

- Suzie

[pamela7]

thank you Suzie.

[Marcelle]

Hi Suzie,

Thanks for sharing your stories. I agree that telling anyone (SO, family, friends the gas station attendant named Bob) is a personal choice and a decision that should not be taken lightly. I can't get over the doctor's reaction though . . . very unprofessional especially telling his nurse.

Hugs

Isha

[Vikky]

Hi Suzie

I told my GP not long after I got seriously into CDing, about 18 months ago. I get on with him well, we are both petrolheads, and his reaction couldn’t have been better.

He thought about it for a moment and said “It does nobody any harm, causes you no harm. Fine.”

I also spoke to my consultant endocrinologist about it as my serious interest in CDing seemed to coincide with medication I was taking for a pituitary growth that was causing a hormone imbalance.

Her response was similar. She shrugged her shoulders and said “That’s not a problem.”

Other than my SO, who tolerates by CDing, nobody else knows and I have no plans to broadcast it.

I guess I had better luck than you did.

Vikky

[Mark/Rebecca]

I have a feeling the doctor and his staff watched Glen or Glenda to develop their professional opinion.

[Marcie Rose]

I agree that you need to be careful telling people. I certainly am because of the potential rumors and how it may affect people I know. As a pastor, I can't believe your pastor's reaction. I take every member's problem seriously. My approach would be that God loves you just the way you are. I would then counsel both of you together. Then again, I'm little biased...

[Janet161]

Thank you Suzie for sharing those stories. I am sorry that you had those experiences. I think that sharing them is a very generous act on your part.

[Charlyne]

Susie, Thanks for sharing. I am sorry it played out that way.

[Nadya]

That must not have been fun to tell but I appreciate you doing it. I've been contemplating telling people that are important to me. My fiancé has been really supportive but I think it will help me accept myself if I get acceptance from close friends. That being said, I plan on choosing people that I think will react positively or that I feel if it turned badly, wouldn't impact my day-to-day life. Thanks again for sharing. :)

[Rachael Leigh]

Suzie you have a very similar experience as mine except that I haven't really been told by pastor counselors or others of that type of counsel it's horrible bad but that I should change to help my marriage. My wife is way more accepting than many who's wives don't agree with my dressing and believe me she doesn't and does wish I would stop.
I really like most wished there was a simple answer to this but I've still not found it.
I hope things for you will improve and you can find that common ground.
Blessings Leigh

[josrphine]

Sorry, that you have to live this way. With all that is happening in our world slowly, I guess there is still the :problem : I told my second wife from the begining There was no problem for almost 30 yrs. Then the other shoe fell off. She knew that I was on here an looked at site for C D 's to meet, she told me to : GO : to one. So I did . It was halloween so a good time to dress. Had been in the closet. was scared to death but survived . Had a great time met other that were in the same boat. Then when I came home yes waiting for me, an got the WELL. I told her it was a good time an I going to go to more meetings. We ended in divorce but before I left she accused me of giving her herpies, OOPS. because of my life style. Well she forgot that I got tested every 6 mo. as I had had kidney cancer and just had a test , YES NEG. I did go an have another test same results, her friend after she told him left her. You do win some. So now I live with a very beautiful women ex jazz singer,actress , plus her husband past away an left her with a few bucks here in Florida [ only 11 mo of sun] were married an go out as sisters a lot an she love when I dress. Who could ask for any more..

[Rachelakld]

Hi Suzie,
sound like your wife chose people who would back her up as to "fixing" your unacceptable CDing.
In New Zealand, we call it "bullying".

Maybe next time your could take her to LGBT meeting and mention it there?

[Jenniferathome]

how about speaking with a qualified counselor with experience in gender issues? Kinda seems THAT'S the place to start. You wife can be part of this therapy.

[JayeLefaye]

Thanks for putting this out there Suzie!

I actually had high hopes for your pastor during this part:

...he said: "Well you certainly get the Shock the Pastor award for this year!".
Later he started laughing and said: "I simply have to ask ... What size dress do you wear?" He could barely contain himself laughing.
So we talked for a while longer".......Except it seems to have been a mocking laugh, which is just wrong on so many levels, especially for a "professional".

Wouldn't it have been lovely, if the laugh had been more of a chuckle, and after "you'd talked a while longer", he had turned to your wife and said: "You think THIS is a problem? Let me tell you about the REAL problems people come in here with.".......Sigh...

Thanks again for sharing. Glad you found this Forum!

Jaye

[justmetoo]

Sounds like you might have been set up for failure in those instances. That's different from coming out to a loved one or good friend, who you presumably know a little bit about. Choose wisely. Coming out can be negative or positive, depending on the other person, as well as lots of other factors, some out or your control and some not. Of course, even when you know someone well it's not always possible to predict their reaction. Sometimes it comes down to the "costs and benefits" of coming out to a particular person in any given situation. And being prepared to live with the consequences in any event. Coming out is a very personal decision.

[Donnagirl]

I could not talk to a doctor until I found one I was sure would have an understanding.... i.e. a transgender doctor. She has been fantastic... As for telling others, well I'm yet to hear a bad word... The motorcycle club reacted predictably, insisting I ride pillion from here on and I'm banned from parallel parking!!!! Work are fussing ridiculously making sure I don't have too much work, I'm not getting stressed...
I'm sure a bad reaction will come eventually!!!

[Suzie Petersen]

Thank you for the responses everybody.

Just to be clear, I am not whining, feeling sorry for myself or asking for advise on any of this. I am OK with the way things are. Yes, I would like it to be different, but then again I would also like to be rich and have a fancy car :) Just cant have it all, and that is fine.

The reason for sharing this is to provide some balance to some of the other testimonies you find in groups like this one. It isn't all song and dance and happy days and we are not all blessed with a spouse who embraces this part of us. Most people has a limit and for my wife, this was on the wrong side of that limit. She doesn't know why, but it just is. She is actually very accepting and tolerant with other people and whatever they chose to do with their life, it is all fine as long as it is not her hubby doing it.

As for the reactions from the doctor and the pastor then I would say that I was disappointed, but not surprised. It went pretty much as I had expected and I of course have to consider if my prediction affected the outcome! Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophesy kinda' thing! I dont know. Of course I knew the motive for my wife telling me to talk to exactly those people, and of course I suggested a more balanced approach, but I suppose I had some kind of hope that by accepting the worst possible "judges", there was the chance that they would have stood on my side and thereby completely dismantled the argument. But, it didn't go that way.

As for Jennifer's suggestion of a gender knowledgeable counselor then I completely agree and I would recommend that to anyone. In our case, it wasn't an option. We grew up in another country, far far away, and the general feeling there is that counseling is something you do just before they take you away in a padded wagon, wearing a funny shirt with long sleeves! So no, wife absolutely wouldn't hear of it and I wasn't too thrilled myself.

I enjoy being here on the forum and I see my purpose here being to offer help, advise and a bit of "been there done that .. got the scars" wisdom to anyone who wish to hear it. People often get sucked into the pink fog illusion that if you are just honest, you will be fine. Well, I believe in honesty, but not in stupidity, and one thing I have learned over time is that you cannot trust anyone to be 100% your friend. You are often better of not giving them the opportunity to cause you harm.

- Suzie

[StephanieinSecret]

Thanks for your courageous post. This site, like many forums, can become a bit of an echo chamber. It's good to have a gut check now and then

[Eryn]

Susie, thank you for sharing your experiences.

My general rule for telling people is that I won't tell them unless it will ultimately make either their life or mine better. Susie's wife seems to believe that being TG is something that can be fixed and was trying to put her in touch with people who would fix her.

Perhaps a better strategy would be to take control of the situation and seek out a gender counselor with a more reasonable and realistic viewpoint.

That said, I'm seeing a new doctor at the end of the month and one of the first things I intend to discuss is if she is willing to work constructively with a TG patient. If so, we'll proceed. If not, I will keep looking. I'm not expecting a general practice doctor to be a gender expert, but since they are the gatekeeper to more advanced care I want someone who doesn't consider trangenderism to be something that needs to be cured and who won't balk at making referrals to an endo or whoever else I might need.

[Gardener]

Size, I am almost overwhelmed by a sense of admiration for you. In your writing I felt your frustration but no real antagonism towards the person who pushed you to do things you were uneasy about. I wondered whether as a balance your wife would agree to talk to a person who is knowledgeable and experienced and at least open her ideas to another point of view?

[Katey888]

That's a very heartfelt, courageous and generous story, Suzie - thank you for being prepared to share it in such an open way. :hugs:

I know there are others here who have had similar experiences... I can only feel for all who find themselves in these circumstances.

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Suzie,
You have had a rough trot telling others about your dilemma.

With it all being out in the open more there are trained counselors you could discuss this with and they would give constructive advice.

Yes, you are right, it is difficult to share with a friend who knows your other side.

Often a new acquaintance and someone you have not let into your private life is a better start.

They do give a more objective reply.

[Teresa]

Suzie,
I'm really sorry you've had bad coming out stories ! The thing to remember is no one is perfect, your doctor or the Pastor, they may have their own problems despite them being approached as professionals !
I've come out twice to my GPs the previous one recommended a private clinic and my current one has got me into counselling, they couldn't have been more helpful ! All the people that know now have not given me a difficult time and have tried to support the relationship with my wife !
The one aspect that is proving difficult is whether to tell my son or does he already know ? Something is damaging our good relationship and it's hard when you don't know why and yet it's a difficult question to ask ! I will be a little upset if my wife has told him but she hasn't told me !!

[Suzie Petersen]

I wish we were sitting together all of us, on a beach house porch overlooking the ocean, talking about these things! There are some great feedback notes from everybody, a lot more than can easily be commented on with this type of communication!

I have to say though that Donna's comment that the motorcycle club has banned her from parallel parking .. that one had me in tears! <LOL>

Like most others, I have of course thought about telling others many times over the years. The 2 situations I described are the only times I ever did tell anyone I know, with the exception of my wife and way back when I told a teenage GF. She broke up with me a few months later.
So I have not had much success with it as you can see and pretty much decided I wasn't going to tell anyone else I knew.

Regarding my wife, then my dilemma is that I completely understand where she is coming from! Frankly, I find this behavior, this need we have, to be very strange and I don't really feel it reasonable to expect that she understand or even tolerate it. If the shoe was on the other hand .. I don't think I could deal with it either, to be honest!

The mistake I made, and I think this happens to many and it cant be helped, was that since I didn't know much about it myself when I first told her, I gave her the wrong impression. At that time, I didn't know I would want to go out some day! I didn't know I would want to shave the hair off my body, arms and legs, I didn't know I would want to trim my eyebrows and so on. So when she first said it's not a big deal, she didn't understand the extend of it. Neither did I.
But then it escalated and when I told her I wasn't going to transition and life as a woman, she said that's what you say now, but what about later!

Telling others can be very powerful and it can be nessecary. Having someone to talk to and share with is important and can be life saving actually. But, the outcome can be traumatic and can make the situation worse. If you want to tell, don't pick your boss first! Or your lumberjack brother or anyone else you cannot just exclude from your life if it doesn't go well. Tell someone safe first and get the process of telling figured out! For many, telling is a very emotional thing involving crying and carrying on. The listener, who up until 5 minutes ago knew you as the pillar of strength, is now suddenly face with what appear to be a complete wreck! That's not the best basis for understanding and acceptance, that's how you get pitty and rejection!

- Suzie

[Alice Torn]

I first started dressing head to toe, in 2005, in deep fog, My lawyer, who is single, and i thought gay, I considered someone i could tell. I sent him a holiday card, with several photos of me all dresed up! I did not hear any reply. It took, many months before he called me to clean his windows again. And, i could tell he was a little different, so i apologized for springing my photos on him. He accepted it. Now, i am quite cautious about opening up, unless total strangers. About the same time i opened to my lawyer friend, i told several people in my church. Not a good idea! The church does not accept any lifestyle other than straight, hetero marriage, and no sex before marriage, and no dressing in clothes made for the opposite sex. Three of the people were a bit understanding, but the others really rejected crossdressing. Suzie, you are so right, to use caution in who we tell.

[casper064]

Suzie,
As your wife's need is to receive some other's advice. Why don't you actively select the adviser, ex a professional counselor?

[TerriM]

When I was married about 10 yrs my wife found out I was a cross dresser. We had 2 kids and my wife is a very strong Catholic. I saw the pastor and he said that my dressing was not a sin and it was something between my wife and myself. He also said that Jesus loved me. This helped my wife. She still wants no part of Terri. We are married 43 yr and have 5 kids. I told you she was a strong Catholic.
Terri

[Suzie Petersen]

Casper: It is one of those unsolvable situations unfortunately. She is not interested in talking to anyone who might take my side in the matter. The 2 examples with the doctor and the pastor were chosen because she was pretty sure they would support her view of course.
You know how it can sometimes be very difficult to listen to your own advise! Well I am like that :) I know what I would suggest to others but I cant get myself to do it!!

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, I am OK with things as they are, I can live with it.
It is all a matter of finding a balance and accepting the situation. I am not willing to pay the price for having things my way.

Hugs
Suzie

[Petra222]

This is a subject that terrifies me. So far only my wife know, I think! Suzie and all the others here who have opened up to someone have done something extremely brave and corrageous, . I'd like to think one day when I have come to terms with myself for being who I am will have the guts to tell a trusted friend.

[Annaliese]

Thanks for sharing Suzie, Hugs girl.

[laura.lapinski]

For this reason, I've chosen to not tell anyone, and I have no plans to tell anyone, as others have put it, that I could not easily exclude from my life.

I have accepted myself, but I don't expect others to. I am OK in my own mind being who I am. If some day, I find that I need to go further, I think I would not expect my significant other to go down the road with me. If I felt that strongly, I would break up with that person, and do this "thing" only with others like me, at least as a start.

This is what is right for me. It may not work for you. It's a very personal decision. Only you can walk your path. Other's can be accepting, but nobody will understand it like you do. You can read forever about how to do something, but a whole other level of understanding comes once you do that thing.

The best you can do is try to anticipate all the consequences of coming out before you come out to ANYONE, and ESPECIALLY to someone very close to you. If you are outted by accident, then you can only determine how to play things from that point.

Bottom line, don't stress about it too much. Life will go on no matter what happens. The sun will come up, you will have to have a way to provide for your basic needs, and you will do what you have to do to make that happen. What other's think shouldn't matter too much in most cases. Just live the way you have to live to please you. This is job one. From there, do what you can to help others, but be true to yourself first.

Take care,
Laura

[Greenie]

I will share. We have a couple that are not super great.

you really need to be careful who you trust with this secret if you are not out. Luca and I discussed that we would tell whichever of our own friends that we thought could handle it, but that we would tell each other who we told. Family is still in the dark. I used to be really good friends with this coworker (1st mistake) who had a trans best friend. I Assumed she would be open and loving due to her trans Bestie (2nd mistake).

We told her, but she didnt want us to tell her trans friend about Lucas. The friend was FTM and she thought it was important to this person to have made a Hetero Cisgenderd male friend to be "guys with" who didnt have a problem with them being born female. So we then hung out with them while lying about Lucas Identity. If that wasnt confusing enough, she took it upon herself to discuss lucas being a CDer with all my coworkers. It was the "gossip" of the store and every knew. It was a horrible time.

Luca also has a friend who knows and is "supportive" but doesnt "understand" because he is religious and thinks its a sin. But that all humans sin and that he cannot fault luca for his sins more than he would fault a drinker or smoker. An interesting firendship.

I also got FRIEND DUMPED by a friend who knew, but decided I wasnt SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH of luca, and that I lived in Lala land wanting to maintain my perfect hetero marriage. She was disgusted that we did not want to tell family. So she was the opposite side of the spectrum.

Good people, who will respect this aspect of your life, without judgement or opinion are hard to find.

[Panties4me]

Greenie, what a conundrum you have given as your experience!!! Win, lose, win, lose. I had been cding in secret, apart from my wife knowing, for about 30yrs before I told anyone, and only then because the demon drink loosened my brain and tongue. Both people I told were female friends, wives of good mates of mine. They excepted it and appeared to understand, but hey, they weren't married to me. I haven't pushed it down their throats but know that they will be there for me if ever I need them. Last year I turned sixty, had the bash, invited old friends and relos to the do. One of my wife's oldest and best friends and her husband gave me a 50th birthday card but I suspect for a very good reason. On a long list of things mentioned on the card and highlighted was " your little secrets are safe with us". I can only sumise that my wife has told her, and another equally good friend, about my crossdressing. Can't say I blame her, I kept it bottled up for so many years it was a great relief to finally be able to share it with someone else.

[GypsyGirl10]

Suzie, I respect you and thank you for your welcomes to all the newbies. You always have something encouraging to say to us. I'm sorry your own story isn't as idyllic as we'd like. But we all face our individual situations. Thank you for raising the issue and making us think. Like you, we all have to decide how to proceed given our personal situation.

Hang in there, sweetie. You sound like a very loving and accepting person. You understand your situation better than we can. I hope you can find an ally who your wife will hear. Having my wife accept my CDing has been monumentally liberating. I wish the same for you.

Loads of love,
Gypsy