i having a rough time

[michelle25]

my farther recently came back into my life, he never was around that much when i was growing up so he never knew me that well. my mom raised me and when i was 15 he called my mother and said he was leaving her and me and would not be back the divorce came a few weeks later.
so now he wanted to reconnect with me ,when he saw me though he started to freak out but calmed down the rest of the time. after we saw each other about 6 times i came out to him and told him about my life ,then he fliped out on me he ripped my top off me and called me some horribly hurtfull names and derogitory words .what right does he have to do this to me he has not been in my life for so long ?
since that day he has been rude and hurtful but has not riped my outfits off anymore

[Suzie Petersen]

He has no right to treat you like that Michelle, nobody does!

Can I ask how old you are now?

Hugs
Suzie

[MsVal]

I don't know your particular circumstance, Michelle, but if you do not need or want him in your life, there is a good chance that you are free to live your life without him.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Charlyne]

Michelle, I am sorry for what you have had to suffer. I am guessing that he has a lot of guilt for not acting like a father. I hope he mellows out and you two can have a good relationship.

[AletaHawk]

I usually hesitate to tell people what to do with their lives, but you really need to get him out of your life if at all possible. That doesn't sound like a safe situation at all.

[Jenniferathome]

Why are you taking any crap from him? You are an adult. Have an adult conversation with him and set the terms of your interaction. HE reached out to you.

[Rachelakld]

SO, why would you want to associate or even talk to such a person?
Not like you owe him anything

[chelyann]

Michelle
way put up that , tell him to grow up OR get lost and dont contact you again ...

[Gardener]

We should always recognise the complexity of relationships between family members. Having said this though there is a simple question in my mind. If he was not your father, not related to you, how would you react to his behaviour? I feel that however you answer the question that should be your guide.

[Kate T]

Michelle

He has absolutely no right. I am very sorry that you have had to suffer this. Please get help from your mum or someone you trust and you may need to unfortunately sever all connections with your father.

I'm sorry.

[michelle25]

i saw him at a club last night and told him if you are going to be a bully i do not want anything to do you and dont want to see you anymore he said thats easier said then done because of how small this town is we are bound to run into each other at some point he then called me some names the owner of the club came over after hearing what my dad was yelling at me and asked him to leave, after my dad left the owner came back over and we talked about what been going on with my dad and me i finished my shirley temple paid my tab said thanks to the owner and left i am hoping that he will leave me alone

[TinaZ]

I generally get in trouble for sharing this sort of advice, but here goes - the boundaries you place on personal interaction should be the same with everyone, whether it's a stranger, or a family member.

In other words, if someone you don't know wanted to yell names at you and rip your clothing, would you allow it? Hell, no! So don't allow that behavior from anyone else.

So many people suffer because of this ill-conceived notion that relatives somehow have a special license to treat us poorly. I say stuff that.

It sounds like you handled things well at the club. I'd keep that arrangement going. Tell him if you can't be civil, then keep away. Period. Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter who the abuser is. Do not tolerate it.

[Sara Ann]

You don't need that abuse and drama. I keep wondering (yes, probably it's none of my business) about his real motivation behind inserting himself into your life if he's so toxic and just going to make you miserable.

I had a similar situation with my own father many years ago. It really wasn't about me being TG or presenting myself as gender ambiguous since it was long before I started doing that. Instead, he tried to worm himself back into my life and then belittled me and verbally abused me over other resolved and long forgotten childhood issues. I half suspect that he was projecting his own issues and I half suspect that he was also angling for a relative's money.

I concur with the above comments made by others: You need to set and maintain boundaries.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You're both adults- I suppose he has the right to do whatever you allow him to do- it's up to you to set a limit.

When parents are involved, it's all so much harder. We can't help wanting their love and approval; they can't help acting like we're still little children.

I think he will respect you more in the long run if you stand up to him Michelle.

[Samantha_Smile]

I got pretty pissed off reading that.

As far as advice goes... Well the guy sounds like an ass hole. But he's still your blood and he may feel as though you (specifically your gender) are his fault.
I am not making excuses for the assy behavior, just exploring logical explanations for it.

If it were me, and as hard as I know this would be, I would invite him over.
Sit him down with a coffee (further cups might be needed, so keep the pot on) and give the best damn presentation on 'You' since he left.
I'm talking academic level discussion here, use a laptop and open a load of tabs with anything you may find useful - reference the pages!
Much like a spouse or SO finding out - YOU are their expert here, you need to teach them.
Share your experiences, thoughts, feelings.
Move through to current day and discuss who you are, what your gender means and how that relates to who you are today.
If there is any semblance of compassion or love left in your father, he will understand.

If the above makes head way, then keep on plugging away at him.

If he's still a bully and a jerk, then.... I don't want to say this... But you really don't need him in your life do you?
You've made it this far :)

[Katey888]

Good advice already Michelle - I'm not going to add anything other than to support what has already been said. :hugs:

What you're describing here is abusive and has all the precursors of something more serious. He wants to reconnect: why? So that he can abuse you in public? You need to enlist the support of your mother here to help keep him away. While I appreciate it will be difficult in a small town you also have a right to privacy and as you are an adult, he has no right to interfere in your life at all. I'd hate for something more serious to happen if this escalates so please, please do be careful and do not hesitate to involve the local police if there is any threat of you or you mother being physically assaulted. That's happened once already and is not a good sign, IMHO. I don't think any amount of coffee or Powerpoint is going to help here...

Katey x

[Teresa]

Michelle,
The question is why does he want to come back into your life, What is he hoping to get out of it ? It's obvious that you're not getting anything out of the renewed relationship so why would you want him back in your life ? He really does sound a selfish bully that needs to be told where to go ! You have nothing to lose !

[Beverley Sims]

If you feel stress or uneasiness around him and he shows no empathy towards you I feel you are better off without the relationship.

Yes I know he is your father and there are ties that bind.

[iGenny]

Hi Michelle,
I feel so bad that this happened to you. Everybody wants to have a connection with their father. I can only imagine how it feels to trust someone with such a secret and get that reaction in return.

Since he wasn't there much for you growing up, you deserve the right to set the terms of any relationship he might want with you now, as the others have said. That won't be easy. It's unfair that it will probably be harder for you than it will be for him, and he initiated the renewed relationship!

It's OK if you tell him to stay away for a while until you process his reaction and behavior.

Good luck. It would be wonderful if you and he could patch things up, but if it can't be done now, well, it's my opinion that your dignity is worth more than him.

[mykell]

lots of advise so far but its just that advise, only you can know what really is pertinent to the situation....myself i just try to chime in and be supportive....


We should always recognize the complexity of relationships between family members. Having said this though there is a simple question in my mind. If he was not your father, not related to you, how would you react to his behavior? I feel that however you answer the question that should be your guide.
you mentioned that he wasnt around all that much.... were you close....was he loving then....are you still living with mom....why did he "freak out" before you advised him of your dressing, i know when family infighting and pressure between divorcing parents come into play we always try to find the silver lining....we tend to take too long to see its not there...


I got pretty pissed off reading that.

As far as advice goes... Well the guy sounds like an ass hole. But he's still your blood and he may feel as though you (specifically your gender) are his fault.
I am not making excuses for the assy behavior, just exploring logical explanations for it.

If it were me, and as hard as I know this would be, I would invite him over.
Sit him down with a coffee (further cups might be needed, so keep the pot on) and give the best damn presentation on 'You' since he left.
I'm talking academic level discussion here, use a laptop and open a load of tabs with anything you may find useful - reference the pages!
Much like a spouse or SO finding out - YOU are their expert here, you need to teach them.
Share your experiences, thoughts, feelings.
Move through to current day and discuss who you are, what your gender means and how that relates to who you are today.
If there is any semblance of compassion or love left in your father, he will understand.

If the above makes head way, then keep on plugging away at him.

If he's still a bully and a jerk, then.... I don't want to say this... But you really don't need him in your life do you?
You've made it this far :)

truer than i like to think but you are the expert, my wife does not seem to interested in educating herself about this on her own....and she loves me, your pop seems less than loving so how long you have to keep his attention while talking about the topic will be extremely limited....and most likely agitating....i would concentrate on the real motivation for the reconnection for the time being and if genuine later in the relationship share the real you....

Good advice already Michelle - I'm not going to add anything other than to support what has already been said. :hugs:

What you're describing here is abusive and has all the precursors of something more serious. He wants to reconnect: why? So that he can abuse you in public? You need to enlist the support of your mother here to help keep him away. While I appreciate it will be difficult in a small town you also have a right to privacy and as you are an adult, he has no right to interfere in your life at all. I'd hate for something more serious to happen if this escalates so please, please do be careful and do not hesitate to involve the local police if there is any threat of you or you mother being physically assaulted. That's happened once already and is not a good sign, IMHO. I don't think any amount of coffee or Powerpoint is going to help here...

Katey x

good advise , but perhaps printing something out for him to read the old fashioned way would be best, dont see him having the patience to sit with you while you try to educate him, meet and spend the time finding out what his real motives might be, (liver, kidney) or just genuine reconnection....

[Maria 60]

I know he's your dad, but after all you did live your life fine without him all these years, why need him now.

[kimdl93]

Tell him that you will not see him unless he stops the abusive behavior.

[michelle25]

thanks for all the support and advice girls also i called my mom this morning and told her about my dad and what he is up to, she said just ignore him he is probly looking for something and that she wishes she could come to my aid to help but she is on the other side of the country with her new husband . she says that if try to stand up to him he will knock me down, he had done that to her a few times. i also found out this morning he has licence to carry . i am going to call my dad later today and tell him i dont need him in my life and to just leave me alone. one thing that is good is that the apartment building i live in is secure you have to be buzed in to enter.

[Jenniferathome]

Michelle, if you fear that he may cause you harm, you can get a restraining order that prevents him from coming near you. The best solution is to simply NOT call him, do NOT answer his calls. You simply"disappear"

[Bria]

You have lots of advise already, I'll just say remember your personal safety. If you do meet with him again do it in a public place where others are present, your meeting in the bar as an example, there others to see, hear and to intervene.

Stay safe!

Hugs, Bria

[CONSUELO]

Michelle, you were assaulted. Stay away from this dangerous person.

[Sharon B.]

Just because he has a license to carry doesn't mean he can use it on you. As others have said get a P.O. to have him stay away from you and he might lose his license to carry . Just break off all contact with him and live your life as you want.

[michelle25]

i am going to stay away from him as best as i can i am done with talking to him he wanted nothing to do with me for so long . i dont need him now and dont need the abuse he dishes me either

[Alice Torn]

That is one reason i will NEVER, EVER TELL family members about my dressing, or let them see me dressed, unless of course i get CAUGHT. My family is a FUSION family. No boundries! It sounds like your dad thinks he has authority over you till death, too. Somehow, boundries need to be respected. The cat is out of the bag, but i wish you had not let him know about your dressing. Maybe a heartfelt letter, telling him from the heart, that you care about him, but you have God given right to your boundries, and dressing. And, you will report him to the authorities the next time he yells threats, or touches you. It may not work at all. It sounds like he has big anger issues, and maybe other ones. I would not be around him, dressed up, though. If he is alcoholic, i would tell him about AA, but he likely would not listen. If some other men, or women could get him into meetings, it could help some. Just a thought. My dad was alcoholic and very emotionally abusive, is 94 now, and i am helping him with care. I have had decades and decades of torment and souls searching, to finally accept and forgive him.. But, your dad is similar, but violent, which is more dangerous. 12 step groups can bring such men to their senses, brake their hard hearts sometimes, change lives. Some men are beyond help, though. Women, too. Keep your distance and boundries, but maybe a letter.

[Tracii G]

If you can gather the witnesses that saw your top ripped off at the club that would help.
Their testimony would help the restraining order hold water.
His abuse if documented and he is charged will get his concealed carry license revoked.

[AmandaM]

I wouldn't pursue a restraining order just yet. If they take his CCW, they may not take his guns, depending on which state this is. I think distance and time will solve this issue. Stay away from him, don't call him, don't go see him.