Confused by wife's reaction

[DianneM]

Hi All,
I was wondering if any others have had a confusing 'acceptance' as I have.
My Introduction Post might give some back story.
It has been about 3 weeks since I came out to my wife. I had been tossing up the way in which I was going to tell her for about a week prior and we were sitting watching a tv series on dvd (Bones to be exact). The episode had a CD character who had been killed (not for her CDing thankfully) but the characters wife had the question of 'Why did he not tell me'. Well I took this a as sign from above and at the end of the episode proceeded to tell my wife of my dressing.
As I had been put on the spot by the universe I was very tentative in my initial mutterings and when I finally got the courage to just say 'I like to dress in womens clothes' she was relieved as she thought I was asking for a divorce or saying I was having an affair. She took it quite rationally and calmly we talked and set some ground rules.
Rambling again.
This is where the confusion comes in.
She did not want to know anything about Dianne, no name no visuals but then proceeded to ask what I liked in clothes as she would go and buy me some.( more so I wouldn't use hers again ).
Our children all have sporting activities at the same time and place one evening a week. This was put forward as the perfect for my hobby, just be finished by the time they get back home.
This is causing me so much confusion. We talk, and she says she is still processing. I continue to underdress to an extent and I believe she realises this. I have had painted nails(24/7) that I have grown out quite nicely (as i was a chronic nail biter, which I stopped the moment I told her) ever since I told her. It is clear matt polish which is only noticeable if you really look, but I know I am walking around with painted nails, as does she.
I am getting mixed messages. On one hand she is buying me clothes knows when I go to buy underwear but on the other wants nothing to do with Dianne.
Any advice is most welcome.

Dianne

[Beverley Sims]

Remain with the status quo for a while.
Do not push the issue and let your wife process what is going on.
It is likely from her initial esponses she may come around, albeit slowly.

[Teresa]

Dianne,
Some of the confusion lies with your wife ! Don't forget your wife won't fully understand because they don't have that trait in their brain, it's never going to fully make sense ! The problem with you is now that the cat is out of the bag how much more will you want and she may be thinking the same thing ! It's great that she offers to buy you clothes, she may be doing that thinking she can restrict what you wear ! My wife knows about my CDing and I wear her clothes, mostly cast offs, but I did ask her how she felt about me wearing hers or would she prefer me to buy my own , the situation has remained the same . She never queries who's underwear I'm wearing or where it came from but it is all my own !
The mixed messages come through all the time, I'm allowed to wear nighties in bed along as she doesn't see them ! This one is confusing me because as the mornings get lighter getting in and out of bed is tricky !

Your coming out is almost identical to mine, I watched a TV drama about a CDer who came out to the family, as usual the expected obstacles were worked through with the eventual outcome of family acceptance ! My wife was initially OK about it but after a couple of weeks the DADT wall went up ! That was twenty years ago, I'm now pushing for more open acceptance because it isn't going away and time is running out !

[Shelly Preston]

No real confusion at all.

Your wife needs time to get used to this, remember you have known for a long time she is just finding out about this part of you.

She may not want to see you dressed but she will help you enjoy dressing.
I know you are the same size but she is right in deciding that you need your own clothes.

Its not a quite "don't ask don't tell situation " but its close.

You never know what the future may hold.

Just don't try to push the boundaries she has given you.
Give her the time she needs to understand and answer any questions she might have.

[leannejacobs]

I'm in a very similar situation but it's been over two years since I told herm she was understandibly upset at the time but came to accept it was part of me, she even encouraged me to dress in front of her, she also bought me a few items though I had quite a healthy stash of my own lol
Problem is now that she seems to have taken a backward step and feels she doesn't want to see it any more, she knows I still have to do it and even went out last night to give me the house to myself, boy did I need it lol.
So, it's early days for you, just take it slowly and move at a speed that she's comfortable with, I'm not sure what your style is but watch that you don't out do your wife's appearence, I'm pretty sure that was one of the factors with me, my wife is jealous of my shapely figure when made up and it lessens her confidence as a GG.

[DianneM]

Thanks for the thoughts.
As an addendum, one of her biggest gripes was that my underwear was more expensive than hers. I tend to buy shapewear which is more expensive. She was really quite annoyed.

Dianne

[Teresa]

Leanne,
I posted a while ago about this point of the wife being out of the house ! I'm not totally happy with the feeling but the point I made was that my wife makes these boundaries and yet she appears to put herself on the wrong side of them, she alienates herself from her own home, I feel guilty that she is frightened to walk in her own front door ! A little more acceptance could take that feeling away for both of us !

Dianne, I do like to buy nice underwear but only when the sales are on, and luckily I don't use shapewear !

[Marcelle]

Hi Dianne,

This is just your wife's way of processing the information she has just been handed. The good news is that she has not run screaming for the hills and is willing to work with in supporting your dressing (e.g., finding a good time for you to do so, buying you clothes). Work with this and keep the communication lines open as you progress. Discuss what you are both willing to live with and live without when it comes to dressing (many here refer to these as boundaries). If your wife is willing to talk about your dressing, encourage questions and give honest answers. It is not good to promise something that you know you may not be able to keep. For example when I told my wife she asked if I ever planned to go out in public. I was not sure I would at the time but knew deep down that I may want to so I replied "At this time no. However, I cannot promise that I never will as someday I might like to try it".

WRT the undies issue, I believe your wife is seeing this as more a pragmatic issue in that perhaps for her underwear is functional and she cannot see spending extra money on shaping undies. This would be one of those areas you may want to discuss with her . . . your reason for wanting to spend extra money for shaping undies vice everyday wear undies.

Hugs

Isha

[JayeLefaye]

Hi Dianne, welcome to the Forum!

You say you're confused, and understandably so, but your confusion is nothing compared with your wife's confusion as she processes this. Your Universe smiled on you. Most CD's who come out while they're married would love to have a spouse whose reaction was so positive...And yes, all things considered, it was a very positive reaction. You two have a lot of talking ahead of you, and a lot of listening. As others have said, give her time to process this, not just in her brain, but in her feelings. The "coming out" happens in an instant. The adjusting to it is an ongoing work in progress that can take years to reach a true comfort level for the both of you.

Congrats on that first huge step...Now, baby steps for a while:-)

Jaye

P.S...Regarding how much you spend on undies...Before you make another expensive purchase for Dianne, perhaps you should take that money and spend it on something for her?

[Maria 60]

I don't know your wife but I will tell you what I realized about mine over the years. She loves that I dress and calls it a gift, she loves shopping together and borrowing things from each other, it's like she has two sets of clothes, she will buy anything I want, she tells me that she is my pocket aces in my poker hand, and not to be afraid to ask her for anything, life is once that I should live my fantasies. She encourages me to underdress and take little chances, it's like a thrill to her that she knows that I am wearing panties and pantyhose under my jeans, and believes that we have been happily married for almost thirty years because of the dressing. Through out the years I found the line in the sand, she wants it in the closet and wants it to herself, Maria is only known to her, our secret our bond. I will give you an example, she bought me a lipstick that once I tried it on it was almost the same colour of my lips, it just made them shine a little nobody would ever know, she didn't know until I told her and then she ask me to take it off, just like your clear polish on your nails, she again asked me to remove it. I believe this is were she wants me, maybe afraid that with some confidence I may want to take it further. Maria is in her comfort zone the way it is now, just like yourself at times I just can't figure her out. She wants me to take off my socks and walk in the mall with the pantyhose exposed when I walk, but it's not OK to wear a clear nail polish nobody will never see. To me it's like they want to control it, they want it to go as far as they feel comfortable with it, I find I tell her what I want and she usually comes around slowly. I believe that's my point be patient and take it slow. It seems like your wife is still trying to input everything and maybe is even wondering if she lets loose how far you will take it, it sounds like she has the safe flag out and is taking it one step at a time. Sorry I babbled on a bit, hope I helped you a little. Good luck with everything.

[kimdl93]

She answered your question. She is still processing how she feels. Give her some space and time, and at the same time make sure you're attentive to her needs.

[SandraB]

As many point out here, I think the key is to communicate, go slow and compromise. I had a similar experience coming out a few weeks ago. Delighted with the acceptance put soon became evident that there was no enthusiasm. Since I came out I clearly dress/undress in her presence every day always wearing panties and mostly using a bra and breastforms. She helped me a few times with twisted bra straps, putting on bra inside out etc. (God, these things take some practice). However, for the most part was non-engaging either positively or negatively. I was worried that she would change her mind about the acceptance.

I ordered some tights on line and when they were delivered she picked up the post at the door and brought the package to me. It was just plain packaging but I deliberately opened it in front of her so she could see what I purchased. When she saw it, she just slightly shook her head walked away but didn't make any comment.

Anyway, I believe the only way to know what is going on is to discuss it. Sometimes this doesn't clear it up as it can be difficult at times to understand ourselves. Why do I like to dress in women's clothes? Why would my wife not totally accept this? Nevertheless, it is worth having the discussion as it helps ourselves reflect on what we are doing and at a minimum creates a atmosphere of openness.

So next day I decided to discuss with my wife as to how she was feeling about the CD'ing (was somewhat afraid she may withdraw the acceptance, but decided if this was how she was feeling I needed to know it even if I wouldn't like the answer). She mentioned that when I first came out to her, she was afraid I was going to raise some much bigger issue with our relationship and was relieved that it was just about CD'ing. However, she didn't really expect me to be dressing in lingerie every day and that while she accepted it, she was not really comfortable about looking over at her husband dressed in women's clothes. I was concerned about this, as I was at the point I wanted to dress in full regalia i.e. dress, shoes, etc. So far she was only seeing me in male outer clothing with lingerie undergarments - the only outward signs on display were the protruding breasts from the breast forms.

I told her that I wanted to build up the full outfit. She explained that while she was ok with it, she did not want to see me this way. We came to an agreement I could dress when she's not there or let her know in advance and try to keep it out of her presence. I let her know that I was very happy with this but also that I still hoped to some day get to a more participative arrangement. Anyway, I dressed that evening and to my delight she knocked on the door at one stage as she wanted to see me in the dress and walking in the high heels. Once, I did it, she complimented me (oh bliss) on the dress and then withdrew to a different room.

Anyway like anything worth doing it will take some work and I'm sure there will be many ups and downs along the way. However, I think the most important thing is to talk, listen, be honest to yourself and your SO and be prepared to negotiate and compromise.

[Teresa]

Sandra, and others
Please don't fall into the trap that when your wife isn't saying anything she is accepting it ! It may be going round in her head with a thousand other things ! When I thought a subject wasn't being talked about but needed clearing up she retaliated by saying , " It's not all about you !"
I know my answer to that is that I don't want it to be all about me , once I can be fully accepted and in the open things can move on and I can just be comfortable and blend in and deal with other more important issues in our lives !

[Jenniferathome]

You are linking two things that are unrelated. Knowing something intellectually is very different than knowing something visually. My wife was exactly the same after I told her. She was ok with it but not ready to 'see' it. That may or may not come for you.

forget the visual and engage her anytime she choose to talk about it or question it.

[Di]

GG here...


You had what 20, 30 yrs to sort out in your mind that this is a part of you......a part you did not share with her till now please give her some slack.
Many cders here would trade places with you in a min and her wanting to shop is her way to say she loves you and wants to figure it ou tso please let her do that.
My suggestion is do not all a sudden start doing everything you have been wanting to do just because you finally toldl her.
I am glad you did tell her......but just keep talking ...and if she asks questions ...even if a million times answer her honestly.
Just be patient...love each other and let her understand nothing really is different ....just now she knows about all of you.

When talking maybe tell her about this site and our private FAB section when she can talk and ask questions.
It can become just part of your life together....give it time.And let her sort out how much she wants to be involved with it.
Some want to be all involved others would rather you remain as her hubby as she has always know and give you times to dress. No right or wrong here just let her sort it Sounds like you have a loving, caring wife....cherish her.
Best Wishes

[justmetoo]

It doesn't sound like mixed messages to me. It sounds like she's processing it, loving you, and currently has some limits on what she can deal with. To me the obvious message is to take things slow, give her time to process, and show her that you love her, too.

(but this is just the opinion of an eternally single CD who doesn't know anything more about the situation or people involved than what you wrote in your posts, so what do I know?) :)
Best wishes!

[stacy956]

Hi dianne like most of us that have come out our SA your just gonna have o sit calmly and not even mention it she knows already why pusht it give her space and time it might be a day or three a week a month or months before she processes it we understand ur eager to find out what she is thinking but you got to be patient and it will pay off mean while just keep on being diannne

[carhill2mn]

Many SOs can accept that "he" wants to wear the clothes, etc. but, actually seeing them dressed or talking a lot about "it" is uncomfortable for them.

[Petra222]

Hi Dianne,
I'm in a very similar position to you.
I'm just taking each day as it comes in the hopes everything works out.
Regards,
Petra

[ReineD]

It sounds as if she wants you to know that she loves you and she acknowledges your needs, and so she wants you to know that she will support you with what you want to do. For example she acknowledges that it is difficult for you to march into a store to buy your own things and so she will help with this.

At the same time she may not want to become actively involved because she has things she needs to sort through, as others have suggested.

One of these things might be that up until now she saw the CDing as something that happened to others, not in her backyard so to speak. She may feel it is not something that is generally celebrated in our society. The CDing is acknowledged and accepted to varying degrees of tolerance yes, but it is not universally accepted in terms of seeing no difference between CDers and non-CDers. I think that many wives who first find out see it as something that is outside the norms and therefore taboo and/or they fear that others will be negatively biased against it.

... which, come to think of it, is not all that different than the way many CDers feel who go through purging cycles before they learn to accept themselves.

About the shapewear: If she actually said, "more expensive than mine", she is comparing. It could be anything from a belief that you are blowing the household budget, to wondering why you like women's shapewear so much that you (in her eyes) would be extravagant about it. This is a discussion that I would follow up on sooner than later. You do not want your wife to fill in the blanks with something that does not apply.

[Alice_2014_B]

I say let her get more accustomed; that is currently what my wife is doing.
She has only seen me dressed up once; she is supportive of it for entertainment purposes for now.
:)

[Greenie]

Dianne,

I wish I could tell you differently, but this is pretty much how I am as a SO as well.

I am accepting of the fact that Luca is this way. I buy him clothes. I give fashion advice, but I still don't really like to kiss him or touch him while dressed. Its only been three weeks. This is something that it takes time. There is a Pedulum of acceptance that SO's commonly deal with (a sticky in the loved ones section). I know this was very true for me, and sometimes still is.

Give her some time. We have been on this journey for almost 3 years, and its something that is hard. Even if we are supportive of the idea of a CDer, we never thought we would be the spouse of one! Getting used to the intricacies of how this works is often hard for our brains to comprehend. I mean, you cannot expect her to go from 0-180 in 3 weeks. She needs to find her role and how she fits within the constraints of this "new life". While for you nothing might have changed, this is a change for her. I am willing to give more advice or talk with you about this more if you have any questions.

[TerriM]

My wife has known over 30 yrs. We are married almost 44. She wants no part of my femme side. I have accepted that, though it is hard at times. I get out when I can. My family has always cone first.