a man bought me a skirt ...

[pamela7]

So, I'm "out" to a few people that I'm working with on a project, and I've been giving one of them a lot of support. Anyway, last week he turned up with a skirt for me. Well, it fits, its really quite nice, it also fits my SO and she says its more her style. I'm not quite sure what to think though. He's bi, I'm not. Am I crossing some wires that don't exist or is there something to men buying women clothing. It's a first, obviously, and denotes accepting me as I am. Welcoming any thoughts on it. Thank you.

[Megan70]

Tread carefully, do not be afraid to politely refuse future gifts for one excuse or another, while keeping up a normal but cautious work relationship.

[CONSUELO]

I think a gift of a skirt carries more "meaning" than a simple gift such as a box of chocolates. My guess is that this person likes you and may be seeking a deeper relationship with you. Managing this will be a challenge.

[Jenniferathome]

Gay men tend to like men, not cross dressers. Even the gay cross dressers here are mostly in a DADT. You could do something crazy like talk to him. "Thank you for the gift and thinking of me this way but as I have never received such a gift before I want to make sure we are on the same page..."

[Victoria Demeanor]

Oh ya Pamela,
Not sure what to tell you here. it is kind of an odd gift and I suppose it could just mean acceptance. I'll tell you when I first started to fully dress and through other means then this site, I met a CD on line and started to chat. I know in my emails I went into great lengths about how I was straight and that dressing was not sexual for me at all. I ended up going over to his/her house, even meet his SO. we dressed and talked, but he really got pretty touchy feely. Nothing out right, but the vibe was pretty strong. pretty much got the impression that she hadn't really read what I had been writing. I probably should have just come right out and asked, but I ended up just quickly cutting off all ties and it really made me pretty gun shy about meeting other cross dressers.
I'll say finding this site and everyone here really gave me new hope,
Oh sorry back to you. I would be a little weary, maybe even come right out and ask. sometimes people do get the wrong impression or only hear what they want to hear. If he gives you something else in the girly realm I would defiantly step back.
There my two cents.....oh wait you're from England....My two pence? ;)

[SherriePall]

Tough situation. Yes, talk to him. However, it could just be a simple gift (knowing your background) for your support in the project.
I would be a little more suspicious if the gift were lingerie of some sort, especially if it were ultra sexy.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you need to understand his thoughts.

If he is saying is a gift and its only an appreciation of your help recently then fine if should be ok.

I would be extra careful if someone gave me a skirt as its not so easy to get sizes right, so how did he mange that ?

I would also be curious to know what your wife thinks ?

[docrobbysherry]

U haven't given us enuff background info for me to even hazzard a guess on what's going on, Pam.

But, since you've decided to accept his gift I'm sure you'll handle it properly.

[AmandaM]

It seems may bi's are attracted to CDers. It could be innocent or have more meaning. Of course, he could be a CDer himself.

[NicoleScott]

I think it depends on whether there is a chain of command relationship. You could ask why he gave it to you. Maybe he's trying to tell you something about himself.

[pamela7]

thanks everyone who's replied so far. My SO was there, it is lycra and so stretches nicely for me and fits her too - somehow - the only piece of (fem) shared clothing we have - excepting my man jumpers and fleeces of course!

I certainly never bought a team-member or employee any clothing. Yes it is a gift, and consciously chosen/meant as accepting me as I am, as I've accepted him and his preferences in the support given. AND, I had a feeling, I've not felt it before, but its a bit like dog-dominance, like an "I'm the alpha male here now" sort of thing. If my understanding of dogs is anything to go by there would be a danger of attempted sexual domination, but I'm in my own power, so energetically no problem for me. I think perhaps at some point there might be a top-dog thing to sort out, meanwhile I'm treating it as if there's nothing to treat.

Please keep any other thoughts coming. :-)

PS Nicole, yes probably is indeed the hierarchic thing. He's clearly stated he's not into CD for himself.

[Mark/Rebecca]

He may have given you the gift of support. Perhaps a thank you card with your wife's positive comment included would be appropriate.
It sounds like it may have been a lovely gesture.

[Miriam-J]

Pamela,

At this point you can't assume it means anything at all, so don't try to read too much into it. People often feel awkward knowing what to say when presented with a highly unusual situation in one of their relationships, and this could be just his awkward way of acknowledging you, or it could be more. You've given a simple thank you and that should be enough. For now I would just go on as though nothing special had been shared. If he takes further action or says more, you'll then know enough to make a more meaningful judgment.

Miriam

[StarrOfDelite]

I may be old fashioned on this issue, but I was taught that a gentleman doesn't buy, or offer to buy, items of clothing for a lady unless they are married, or in an intimate relationship. The corollary to that was to my certain knowledge taught most emphatically to the ladies, that a nice girl never accepted an offer of clothing from a man. I suppose that rule was violated occasionally by the occasional Xmas gift of something innocuous like a sweater or scarf, but a skirt would, I'm sure, would have been taboo back in the day (I am sixty btw).

I am Bi-, but I'm not promiscuous, so unless I was interested in the man as a potential dating partner, I probably would have refused the gift with a profuse apology. However, since you've already accepted it that option isn't open, so I would concur with the advice JenniferatHome gave a few posts ago.

You have a wonderful SO, too. I imagine many of the straight married CD's would love to have a partner who not only accepts the crossdressing but would take the gift of the skirt from a man without getting upset or suspicious towards you.

[pamela7]

My SO just pointed out these lyrics to me ...

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kinks/lola.html

ok i see the possible confusion, no problemo to clear up!

[flatlander_48]

One of the things things that I have noticed in politics recently is a disregard of external perceptions. An action my have no problem with legality, but it looks bad and leaves an improper impression. This could be that kind of situation where the person was thinking only of doing something nice and not considering what the range of perceptions might be. Is the person given to being a bit impulsive?

[ChristinaK]

At least it wasn't lingerie! Probably just supportive, but you'll figure it out.

[ReineD]

I have sons in their 20s, who are not affected by rigid gender roles in the same way as men of my generation. Some of my sons' friends/acquaintances are openly gay, bi, genderqueer.

Still, when my middle son was getting serious with a girl and asked me to help pick out a Christmas present for her, I suggested clothing, specifically a sweater, as a first choice thinking that this is what I would like to receive. I was surprised when he told me that he did not feel he had not gotten to "that level" yet, and he wanted something less personal. So I helped him choose a great leather handbag.

I don't know where my son got the idea that buying clothing for a woman is a more intimate purchase than something else, since as I said things don't seem to be as rigid in his peer group. But, if people as open-minded as 20-something year-olds feel this way, then I can't help but think that your friend gave you an intimate gift?

Or, maybe your friend is very open minded and he simply wanted to get you something he felt would please you. I suppose the only way to find out is to ask him.

... come to think of it, I'm not a good person to offer an opinion in this area, because my very first gift to my SO (before we became a regular couple) was a ladies' razor and women's shaving cream. I didn't think I was being personal at all, just helpful ... although my feelings for my SO were already pretty strong. lol

[char GG]

Was it new or a hand-me-down? If it was new and specifically purchased for you, it sounds like kind of a personal gift for a casual relationship.

[flatlander_48]

We also have to remember that the workplace is different from regular life. Something like this could be dangerously close to harrassment...

DeeAnn

[Ceera]

With more than 40 years of experience in the workplace, at everything from blue collar jobs to corporate offices, I can't say I have ever heard of a situation where it would be considered wise or acceptable for a co-worker to gift another employee with an article of clothing like that, with no prior established relationship. For someone to offer such a gift to a married employee seems really dicey to me. A bisexual male offering female clothing to a male coworker that he knows is a crossdresser? Even as a gesture of thanks for your recent support of their projects, the offer sounds very easily open to misinterpretation, and accepting it is equally hazardous for being taken the wrong way. In many workplace environments, such an offer falls under their sexual harassment policies. The safest path would be to politely decline such a gift.

And that assumes you are 'peers'. If he is in charge of a project that you work on, that becomes a very questionable situation of a 'boss' making a rather personal gift to a co-worker that is 'under them' - a situation that is usually not approved by HR policies simply because it can lead to harassment or favoritism situations.

On the optimistic side, he may have meant no more by it than a gesture of thanks for your support of his project, and to show you some support for you being out as a TG person. A number of gay and bi people are quite supportive of us TG folks. But without a clear discussion of intent, it still sends a very mixed message, especially with you knowing he is bisexual, and you being married.

If I were you, I think I would offer to return the skirt to him, and tell him that while you appreciate the gift, you want to understand his intentions in offering it to you, and that you hope that he hasn't misinterpreted your marital situation or availability. Point out that you are happily married and that you're neither bisexual nor looking for any other relationships outside your marriage. Offer to return the skirt to him unless he is adamant that you keep it simply as a thank-you for your recent support. Then allow him to have his say.

[pamela7]

Thank you Ceera, Jennifer, everyone,
We had the talk this morning. He keeps sexual relations separate from work, and is clear and consistent on that, and there's no interest, it was a gift of gratitude, also acknowledging a depth of mutual revelation and friendship - his "bi" and my "cd". I feel its all good, and positive. I felt no emotional undercurrent.

It's strange, asking this as a CD'er, because as a man I'd see it as inappropriate, as a woman also, but in the sense of comradeship under the LGBT banner, its all cool.

[AngelaYVR]

I am of the mind that a few quiet words of support would still have been more appropriate. With a skirt there is the implied message that he would like to see you in it. That's just me, vive la difference!

[Nicole Erin]

He wants you.
Don't accept gifts from men unless you plan on helping him "release".

[Ceera]

Great news, Pamela! I'm glad you were able to clear that up! And under those circumstances I see no issue with you keeping the skirt at all.

[Beverley Sims]

There could be so many reasons from insidious to a friendly gesture.

I was bought a negligee set by a guy when I was young, my girlfriends all liked it and the message was clear in this instance.

I said a resounding no, he apologised to me when he realised I was not in the market for men and I got to keep it.

We remained friends until he found himself a boyfriend.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Darling! Work him up to a Porsche- then drop him! Or do what many women have done through the ages and work him up to a house!

Just keep saying "I am a lady! I am a lady!" and fluttering your eyelashes- there's nothing to it. Your SAS training will ensure his hands never stray too far, and I'm sure Welshgurl will appreciate all your efforts.

Sincerely, Nikki

[lynda]

hi girls, you know I just don't get all the discussion, its just a piece of material.take it don't take it, use it as a skirt or a dish rag . hugs lynda

[Joanncdnj]

I think it depends on whether there is a chain of command relationship. You could ask why he gave it to you. Maybe he's trying to tell you something about himself.

I like Nicole's response, I've always sought answers from the source as long as it is possible. Maybe if you lunch together, you could work it into the conversation. He could very well be seeking friendship with a like-minded person. Lord knows they are not waving flags for cross-dressing friendships. Just my 2 cents............

[giuseppina]

This one has all sorts of red flags on it IMHO.

First, your SO may not want to share you with someone else. You're entitled to your own thoughts, but I wouldn't have to ask about that one.

Second, this is coming from a co-worker. If he's above or below you in the chain of command, that is a clear conflict of interest, a power imbalance, and therefore unethical. Relationships at work are IMO dangerous to employment at the best of times. If the relationship breaks up, one or both parties often lose their job(s).

I would have politely declined the gift.

[pamela7]

There never is nor was any question of me "being shared", and I'm not interested in any such thing. I don't recall mentioning any interest in a relationship, I was asking about the appropriateness of the gift. The co-worker is a colleague on a joint venture, for which anything going ahead will be on a strict equality basis, as a dynamic heterarchy. As it stands the issue was discussed, it's all clear and there's nothing allowed or allowable in terms of dominance. I actually have put a female colleague in charge, at least temporarily, as I see the world requiring female leadership in this time of transition.

Yes Lynda a cigar is sometimes just a cigar, and now it's been established as that, thank you!