A great divide within myself..

[Mac]

Hi people,
This is my first post here. I need your help to understand myself, as there is this great divide within and its driving me nuts. I'm sure some of you must've gone through a similar experience, so I really could use some insight.

I don't understand myself. I'm a straight male, 30 and just out of a relationship. I know, sounds like a typical everyday bloke-next-door story. To most people (including myself most of the time) I'm as 'guy-ish' a guy can get. I have a day job, and in my free time, I enjoy hanging out with my buddies over a couple of beers and stuff. I love bikes, go on extended biking trips with my biker gang on weekends, enjoy action movies, games and heavy metal.

All should sound so hunky dory, right? But I have another side (yeah, the darker side) I do not understand. Which is why I'm here. I don't remember the exact year and how I picked this habit, but ever since I was like 8-9 yrs, I would once in a while close myself in my room pretending to be playing with my car toys, but would dress up in my mom's clothes and stare at myself in the mirror. They were obviously ill fitting and too large for me, but it did something to me I could not understand then.

When I hit puberty with all the hormones shooting through the roof, the habit got more obsessive. I have an elder sister and we shared the same bed-room. By that time I had physically grown to be more or less the same height as my sister and I would wait for her to go out, and then try on her clothes and underwear. The mere thought of doing something like that would give me goosebumps. I would like to admit though that the pleasure was totally physical. I never had any intentions to dress up and go out or pick a persona of a woman. Might sound inappropriate, but I would dress up in her lingerie, look in the mirror, imagine a hot babe was in front of me, pleasure myself. Once I was done with it, it always made me feel like, 'WTF did I just do?', 'How could I?' until the next time.

By the time I was in university, I had to share my room with another guy, so that habit more or less went into the closet I promised to never open again. I was too embarrassed to even think of it. But every once in like 2-3 months, that urge would return, but given there was no way I could risk doing it in hostel, I would just imagine wearing female clothing and pleasure myself.

When I met my girl, the habit had gone cold turkey, as I never felt the need to dress up and imagine a hot babe, cos I had her. Unfortunately, after 5 years of committed relationship, we broke up. Its been like 6 months since then and I'm single again and I feel that habit returning again to haunt me. I cant believe I got mad one day, went ahead and splurged on lingerie and girly clothes online. Since I live alone now, I have no fear of getting exposed, and I find myself dressing up every few days, stand in front of the mirror, pleasure myself, feel miserable after the act, curse myself for being a 'sissy' until the next time. Rinse & repeat ad infinitum.

I cannot seem to get this great divide within myself. Reading up a bit on this topic online, I think most people who crossdress, take it up as a lifestyle and make a conscious effort to behave like the opposite sex. I have no such intentions,which is why it disturbs me.

When I'm sober after the act, I just want to throw that 'female' out of me. But when the urge to pleasure myself returns after a few days, I feel her creeping inside me again, and I happily welcome her with a wink, until I kick her out again.

I'm afraid, if I dont do something about it soon, or get into another, possibly lifelong, committed relationship, the 'female' is here to haunt me and play with my mind. The last thing I want is to turn schizophrenic or develop multiple personality disorder as I age cos of this internal fight between the uber-masculine punk in me, the regular guy that I am and this 'female' I love to hate, but also lust after.

What could I possibly do to 'cure' my condition? Please pour in your thoughts. :)

P.S. Really sorry for the long post.

P.S. Sorry for the offensive word, moderators. I've edited it. :)

[pamela7]

its worth asking yourself some questions:

why do you think its wrong?
why do you judge this other aspect of yourself?
why do people think its wrong for men to self-pleasure or wear women's clothing to self-pleasure?
does society actually think there is anything wrong in this, or is it all in your mind?

what does each aspect of you involved in the fight want/need/desire? how does each serve you?

just some beginning questions. the answers really are within yourself. in this community we have all sorts including purely fetish CD-ers.

[Candice Mae]

There's nothing wrong with you, every one has something that makes them different from what the identify as normal. But the truth is no one is truly normal, as the definition of it changes from person to person. The topic at hand is using a fetish to fill the sexual void left from being single, CDing for sexual gratification is a harmless when compared to other avenues that you could be exploring. If its the dressing part that bothers you maybe try pleasuring your self with out dressing, to see if the urge to dress goes away.

[Katey888]

Mac - your story is not dissimilar to my own but just out of phase a couple decades... :)

I've had long periods of remission from needing to dress; going back a ways there were periods when it was almost entirely sexual for me; and in between I've gone through purges and periods of telling myself "this would be the last time..." and my favourite (which embarrasses me now, but for the sake of completeness) telling myself: "I can't possibly keep doing this when I'm over 30... 40... 50..." :eek: and so it goes...

And all of that was accompanied with a feeling of guilt, despair and utter fear at times, that there was something catastrophically wrong with me. But hey! Guess what? I'm actually about 90% 'normal' with just this little quirk (well.. maybe one or two others.. ;)) but otherwise I'm a regular, upright citizen, family man, who has been gifted with a penchant for being somewhat feminine, for small amounts of time. None of my close family know about this and likely never will. I manage to get out a bit (because I needed to) but not everyone does or needs to... This might be something you just keep at a 'fetish' or sexual low-level for a long period of time. There are certainly worse (and probably illegal!) fetishes you could have - so just go with it... :D

You might be able to 'cure' it, but it's probably unlikely... so your best bet might be to just learn to manage it as best suits you (secrecy or not? Tell the new GF or not? Take it public or not? etc...) But it's not illegal - You're not carpet-eating crazy - and you have every chance to live a 95-98% normal life... Don't sweat it. There are far, far worse things that have a high probability of happening that you could worry about, but you don't... :)

Read some more here - don't panic about it - share some more thoughts, and clarity may emerge...

And welcome too! :cheer:

Katey x

[Kandi Robbins]

Many of us have been where you are, you are certainly not alone nor are these feelings unusual. I denied to myself that I was a crossdresser for about 48 years. Wearing clothes from around the house in my youth, my wife's stuff for many years and then once I started purchasing various items, purging them fairly quickly. There was then a sexual component to it and always much self-loathing and guilt. Then recently I realized there was no "cure" and I began to embrace who I actually am. While by no means has it been easy or simple since then, I have completely transformed myself (and I am not referring to my gender). Once I told my wife and she immediately accepted me, I became this open, warm, loving, affectionate man and once in a while, this completely comfortable (although makeup challenged) woman, at ease with others like me. What you have done by posted here and stepping back and looking at your situation is the first step toward a "cure". But by a "cure" I do not mean these feeling will go away. None of us know exactly why we have these feelings, but accept that you do and work toward managing them. Keep talking here, you can learn so much. The girls are very caring, this community is special, too bad society doesn't get that! Talk, read, think, question, but most of all, love yourself! Once you do that, things will start to make sense. Unfortunately, nothing good in life is easy. You will be in my thoughts.

[Mac]

Pamela, Thanks so much for your reply.


its worth asking yourself some questions:

why do you think its wrong?
why do you judge this other aspect of yourself?

I guess it has probably something to do with my upbringing. My dad is ex-military and since childhood there was always this notion of what a guy should be like. "Boys dont cry!".."Look at your father!!", "Grow some balls..!!", "Don't whine like a girl!" These were the lines I grew up listening to. So I naturally learned to behave like what my parents expected from me, until it became second nature. But dad was away most of the time on service and I grew up being around my mom and sister more. So probably being surrounded by females in those growing years without the lead male in the family around created this 'anomaly' in me. I call this anomaly because truth be told, people do see such behaviour as queer. Its probably just how society is sadly. And part of that society is inside all of us. You may call it conscience or something else, but its the biggest cause why it makes one feel any behavior out of ordinary is just wrong.


why do people think its wrong for men to self-pleasure or wear women's clothing to self-pleasure?

I'm looking for an answer to this question myself. But you'll agree, people do give weird looks when you come out of the closet. Women rarely ever understand this 'other side' of you. They'll look down upon you as being less of a man, being a sissy, even homosexual which is plain wrong! I have not a speckle of homosexuality in me. Even when I'm dressing up, I'm imagining a woman in the mirror I'm pleasuring myself to. But its hard to explain this to people and from therein comes the guilt.

One detail I didnt mention in my original post was, my sister once caught me in the act..sort of. I was removing her skirt that I was wearing after the act, but she entered just then and boy! Did I just feel like committing suicide then and there. ;( Her reaction made it worse. She was shocked and called me names. Although we patched up later and I begged her to not reveal this to my mom. But that episode had a severe effect on me, I guess. That 'What the..." and stunned look she gave. The memories of that episode faded away, but the guilt has remained ingrained in my mind ever since. That is why I became more of a punk-ass as I grew to get over the guilt.



does society actually think there is anything wrong in this, or is it all in your mind?
I grew up in an orthodox Christian family, and there were strict rules in the family of how a guy should behave like, my dad being the 'role-model' for the whole family. As I grew older, I was too scared to ask anyone about this 'anomaly' in me. I started reading up online on this topic and it wasnt helping. "Is crossdressing a sin?" I'd search and most christian sites that would come up at the very top would say, "Yes! It is. Jesus wants you to BE A MAN if you are born a man and not be a sissy.." and other things along those lines.

I may be thinking too much over it cos I feel guilty already, but everytime I dress up and do it, in the days following, something untoward happens to me. It could be my boss scolding me, or me losing money or something.. I know, it could be a coincidence, but I always end up feeling like its God's wrath for I've sinned. ;(


what does each aspect of you involved in the fight want/need/desire? how does each serve you?
Its weird, but all three desire something at different times, and its the regular guy (that's most me) who is getting torn in between, conforming to the demands of the punk and the female. I believe the punk is mostly my Dad in me, and I'd be more acceptable to people around if I behave like him. I dont know where the female creeped in from, could be my mom and sister, but I cannot handle 'her'. I hate her at times and call her names (calling myself names that is), and then she is like my biggest fantasy at other times when I'm all charged up. It's like I want to tame that female, do all sorts of crazy things with her, and then when I'm done, I want to throw her back in the closet. I know it just sounds so wrong! Thankfully, I'm not hurting anyone in the process. I was always so caring when I was with my girl. It is just this 'female' I want to get rough with.


It's messed up and sounds so crazy. Do you think I should see a Psychiatrist or something?

[Mac]

There's nothing wrong with you, every one has something that makes them different from what the identify as normal. But the truth is no one is truly normal, as the definition of it changes from person to person. The topic at hand is using a fetish to fill the sexual void left from being single, CDing for sexual gratification is a harmless when compared to other avenues that you could be exploring. If its the dressing part that bothers you maybe try pleasuring your self with out dressing, to see if the urge to dress goes away.

Thank you for your reply, Candice. :) I have to agree, its probably cos I'm alone the 'female' has returned. I never thought of her when I was with my girl. The dressing part does bother me, but only for a brief period of time after I'm done with self-gratification. Like say for a couple of days. Then it makes an about turn and becomes my fantasy when I'm charged up again. And I look forward to being alone so that I can dress up again and be in front of the mirror. So yes, the dressing part is not permanently bothersome and that is what is hard for me. I want to get over it and yet I want to cherish it. Its a vicious cycle and I guess, I just have to accept there is no cure for this condition.

Also, I dont always dress up to relieve myself. Rest of the time its mostly the usual guy stuff. Check out some pr0n, bikini babes and stuff and be done with it. The strong urge to dress up and do it occurs when I'm relaxed and out of the daily grind.

[Juliax35]

Hi Mac.
Well you're not the only one who had nearly the same story to tell and sure enough not the last one.
Everyone has two sides, two parts but for most of the people one side stay hidden. For most of us (Xdressers), it's a mix between male/female. We're not two different person but one person with two sides.
Seeing a Psychiatrist may help placing words on what you feel deep inside yourself. That'll a big step forward.

[LilSissyStevie]

Welcome to my nightmare! People usually have their sexuality imprinted by puberty and it's unlikely to change much after that. Not that it's impossible, just unlikely. It's best just to accept it and learn to live with it so that it doesn't destroy your relationships with others. Your father sounds a lot like my grandmother and my gung ho marine step-father. What you experienced from him is what I call emasculation trauma. One reaction to emasculation trauma is this constant see-saw between ultra-masculinity and "femininity." This ultra-masculinity is a highly distorted idea of what it means to be a man. I put "femininity" in quotes because it represents those qualities that you think only women or sissies are allowed to express and doesn't really reflect the way women are in reality. My advice is to re-examine your ideas about gender first of all. Also, stay away from porn, especially transgender porn. And when you are in a relationship, avoid masturbation. This won't "cure" you but may alleviate the worst symptoms.

To understand how trauma can become sexualized:

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

[pamela7]

In reply to your question Mac, that is up to you.
From your reply it sounds like this aspect only comes out to play when you have no significant female partner in your life. Therefore, when you have a partner, this aspect of you comes through her instead. The easy answer is "get a new girlfriend".

[Lori Kurtz]

You, like many of us, have found a way to enjoy a particular kind of sexual activity. That's not a problem, my friend.

You're subjecting yourself to a lot of judging and condemnation for it. That is a problem.

I've gone for decades without dressing up, because I had a real-life relationship with a real woman whom I loved. It sounds like you could do the same when a suitable partner comes along. So if you want to hope for that, I can offer you some reasonable hope.

When your harmless pleasures cause you so much distress, that is a problem. And from what you explain about your background, I can understand some of how that distress comes about. I don't think I or anybody else on this site can give you a resolution to your feelings about this. Find a good therapist who is experienced in dealing with gender issues. That therapist can help you to be an integrated person, and to feel good about all aspects of your personality and sexuality. You deserve that, and you owe it to yourself to try to make it happen. That's the "cure" you need. Best of luck to you.

[kimdl93]

Be careful what you take away from the stuff you read. In talking with actual professionals working with transgendered people(which by the way is an umbrella term that covers the entire array of gender behaviors from occasional dressing for physical pleasure through those who would identify themselves as female) you'll learn that most CDrs are like you, occasional dressers, heterosexual and perfectly content to keep their activities private. And to surprise you even more, the majority of us have long term relationships, families and successful careers. Some SOs find CDing a harmless diversion, some participate and some simply choose to ignore it.

The one thing that seldom works is to deny, repress or otherwise 'cure' the predilection to cross dress. It seems, based on research, to be developed within us before birth. Repression and hiding can take their toll, but if you learn to accept this part of yourself, and thoughtfully explain and work things out with a prospective partner, it's no more destructive than being left handed. Good luck.

[Leslie Langford]

Mac, I would have to agree with the other ladies here that as crossdressers go, you are pretty "normal" and occupy a spot close to the top of the bell curve.

Reading your post, I can relate to pretty much all of it - the progression of this obsession, the various life phases, the urges (and purges!), the hormonal teen years, expecting marriage and raising a family to "cure" me of these bizarre thoughts and inclinations (NOT!), eventually admitting to myself that yes, I was a certified, card-carrying transgender person of the occasional crossdresser variety, and - as I entered my 60's - finally being at peace with myself and this form of gender dysphoria. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt...well, the silky cami anyway, in my case ;) .

Don't beat yourself up over this - you have nothing to be ashamed of. As Lady Gaga would have put it, you "were born this way" and had as little control over how your brain was wired as the colour of your eyes or hair, your height, the shape of your nose and ears, your shoe size, or even whether or not you ended up being left-handed.

Take comfort in the fact that you are among friends here who totally "get" who you are and what you are going through, and who represent a resource that you can always turn to for comfort and support to get yourself grounded again when things appear to spin out of control.

[Alaina R]

Honestly, I don't think you are particularly unusual. Most guys are not lifestyle CDs despite what you may take away from the forum posts. Also, it isn't going to turn you into a schizophrenic or someone with multiple personality disorder. And for many, I think most, CDs, it is sexual in many of its aspects. That said, it certainly can make life more difficult. If you make it into an internal fight between you and 'her' I don't think it will come out well since, truly, she is just another part of your personality.
Many years ago, when I was about your age, I said to a therapist when he asked why I had come to see him that I had this "need to crossdress and I wanted to get rid of it". He looked at me, took a breath, and said "I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole". I didn't understand what he meant at the time, but later came to realize that he knew that this was part of me (not me, but a part of me) and when you blurt out that you want to get rid of part of yourself it is time to tread very cautiously. It is hard to find a good therapist but it might be worth it for you to look into that as a possibility. Most people here will tell you to seek a gender therapist; personally I don't think that is necessarily important but I do think that if you decide to get some help it is important to find a therapist to whom you can relate and who seems to have a clue. Good luck.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Mac, welcome to the forum. I've been thru your ups and downs. When I finally married my ultra-feminine wife, I thought, OK, now it can go away for good. She is feminine enough for both of us, and I don't need my inner female. I know now much of that was me tying to "be a man" and live a conventional life. I would live vicariously through her, buying her all sorts of lingerie, clothes, heels, etc. For 12 years that was fine, but like you the mental images would occasionally resurface. Eventually we dabbled a bit during lovemaking, when I would don a pair of her stockings or pantyhose. She knew I enjoyed that, but I did it rarely, scared to lose her if I told her the truth. Finally I decided I wanted more, screwed up the courage, and told her.

If I were you, while still single I would definitely NOT suppress anything. Go wild with your freedom, there is nothing wrong with it. But know this--it's never going away. If you get into a relationship that's serious, tell her sooner rather than later, she deserves that. My wife didn't get to decide, because I was selfish and afraid. Yes, she is mostly supportive, but I think given the choice, she wouldn't choose for me to be this way. I often feel guilty about that. I try to make it up to her, but now we are both living with a "burden" of sorts. Yes, often it adds spice and novelty, but often it's a source of future uncertainty for her. She worries about what will happen if others find out (the kids especially), how far I will go, if I will transition, etc.

For now, enjoy your feminine side!

Shibumi

[Mac]

Mac - your story is not dissimilar to my own but just out of phase a couple decades... :)

I've had long periods of remission from needing to dress; going back a ways there were periods when it was almost entirely sexual for me; and in between I've gone through purges and periods of telling myself "this would be the last time..." and my favourite (which embarrasses me now, but for the sake of completeness) telling myself: "I can't possibly keep doing this when I'm over 30... 40... 50..." :eek: and so it goes...

And all of that was accompanied with a feeling of guilt, despair and utter fear at times, that there was something catastrophically wrong with me. But hey! Guess what? I'm actually about 90% 'normal' with just this little quirk (well.. maybe one or two others.. ;)) but otherwise I'm a regular, upright citizen, family man, who has been gifted with a penchant for being somewhat feminine, for small amounts of time. None of my close family know about this and likely never will. I manage to get out a bit (because I needed to) but not everyone does or needs to... This might be something you just keep at a 'fetish' or sexual low-level for a long period of time. There are certainly worse (and probably illegal!) fetishes you could have - so just go with it... :D

You might be able to 'cure' it, but it's probably unlikely... so your best bet might be to just learn to manage it as best suits you (secrecy or not? Tell the new GF or not? Take it public or not? etc...) But it's not illegal - You're not carpet-eating crazy - and you have every chance to live a 95-98% normal life... Don't sweat it. There are far, far worse things that have a high probability of happening that you could worry about, but you don't... :)

Read some more here - don't panic about it - share some more thoughts, and clarity may emerge...

And welcome too! :cheer:

Katey x

Thank you, Katey. That certainly helped me feel better, and that I'm not going through this alone. :) I'm curious though, how you've managed to keep this a secret despite being a family man. Does your wife know about it?

My biggest nightmare, since that day when my sis caught me is to get caught again! I'd probably seriously kill myself if that ever happened again. That was then, I was just a boy. Given the image that I've worked upon for so long, of being 'that cool dude', I'd be ostracized from every possible group I'm part of if anyone finds out about my 'darker side'.

If it doesnt sound inappropriate, can I ask how old are you? I'm asking because you said something about keeping it at a 'fetish' or sexual low level for a long period of time. For me it has never gone beyond that level. So once I get older and the sexual urge isnt as strong as it is now, I wonder if the habit will die on its own, cos then I'll have no more reason to dress up? I can never imagine myself transforming into a woman if there wasnt this sexual angle to it, and also if I have a woman in life. I'll make her dress up and be my fantasy rather than becoming my fantasy myself, lol! :P

Thank you again. :)

[Mac]

Many of us have been where you are, you are certainly not alone nor are these feelings unusual. I denied to myself that I was a crossdresser for about 48 years. Wearing clothes from around the house in my youth, my wife's stuff for many years and then once I started purchasing various items, purging them fairly quickly. There was then a sexual component to it and always much self-loathing and guilt. Then recently I realized there was no "cure" and I began to embrace who I actually am. While by no means has it been easy or simple since then, I have completely transformed myself (and I am not referring to my gender). Once I told my wife and she immediately accepted me, I became this open, warm, loving, affectionate man and once in a while, this completely comfortable (although makeup challenged) woman, at ease with others like me. What you have done by posted here and stepping back and looking at your situation is the first step toward a "cure". But by a "cure" I do not mean these feeling will go away. None of us know exactly why we have these feelings, but accept that you do and work toward managing them. Keep talking here, you can learn so much. The girls are very caring, this community is special, too bad society doesn't get that! Talk, read, think, question, but most of all, love yourself! Once you do that, things will start to make sense. Unfortunately, nothing good in life is easy. You will be in my thoughts.

Thank you for your kind words, Kandi. :) It seriously is intriguing as to how this 'habit' is formed. I can only relate it to not having my father around most of my growing up years and being with my mother and sister. But then a lot of guys grow up in a situation like me without acquiring this 'habit'. So there sure is something going deeper into it. Cannot even blame it on my genes. I belong to an orthodox, tight lipped family where guys (my father, uncle, my cousins etc.) are all enlisted and as manly as men can get. I was sort of the black sheep in the family cos I chose brains (programming) over brawns, and yet I conditioned myself through the years to gel among the guys in the family. So all this living-up-to-expectations only makes accepting what I call the '20 minute closet female' that much more unacceptable to me, and hence this internal fight.

I have to confess, and I hope you dont mind, when you said .."the girls are very caring..", I was like..wha?? How can you men possibly call yourself girls? That's just the punk in me talking cos I'm sober for the moment and I feel like kicking the "closet female" again. I was more forthcoming to this way of life last night before 'the act'. I loathe it again this morning. Its that frequently I change personas that worries me. I become the stereotypical male who would ridicule someone for doing something as 'outrageous' as crossdressing.

I'll surely be around reading and interacting with all you good people here to understand myself better and hopefully help out those who are in the same boat. :)

Thanks again, Kandi.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Mac.

First off, welcome to the forum!

My story is not dissimilar to yours (its is very similar in fact) but I have about twelve years on you age-wise. As you grow older you will probably find that, though the sexual element remains to a more or lesser extent, you will start enjoying dressing more for the sake of dressing and less for the sexual thrill. Fifteen years ago dressing was very much sexual for me as well coupled to the feelings of guilt and shame (I am a Christian believer) after "closure". I could not get out of the clothes quickly enough. Nowadays I get dressed, go out, undress and go back to my "normal" life (a wife and no less than five kids) without being bothered. I'd have to be lying though if I were to try convince you there is no sexual thrill to it anymore (there still is, but let's agree to keep mum about that...), but I try reserve those energies for those special moments with my wife. You have to try channel this thing in the right direction, and yes I still fail at it miserably myself, but I do try because I don't want it to ruin my life and I'm sure neither do you. Repression / suppression / denial DOES NOT WORK, the only person around here who seems to know some form of cure (and it still seems awfully tough) is called Reluctantdebutant, if you're serious about quitting maybe try contacting this person. Anyways I hope you find your way through this struggle, we are all in the same boat after all.

-Jen-

[Donnagirl]

Hi Mac,

You do not have that unusual a story... There are a few a little more extreme.... I dressed a little as a very young child, I have a few memories only... Practically nothing post puberty. Lived the boys own adventure, amateur boxing, rugby, military academy, served in two armies one navy, sniper, law enforcement, diver, biker, pilot, you name it I done it... Married, three sons....

At 46 it all came back, the urge to dress... I tried to fight it (sometimes still do) always lost. Resisting is a recipe for anger, depression, temper... I become totally unbearable to live with, nearly broke my marriage. Tried to hide it, big fail!! Tried to keep secrets, bigger fail. There is no cure.

Fast forward three years, everyone knows, wife is wonderfully accepting, work, family, friends all supportive... I dress as often as I can, I get out, no hope of passing but I get out often... Have a good doctor and an expensive psych... Even started low dose HRT.

Accept it as part of you, hard I know as even I still fight that stupid fight on occasion. Use this place, tons of wonderful advice, so many great people with nothing but positive support.

If I have one recommendation, find the positives, they do exist...

Keep smiling,

Hugs,

Donna

[Teresa]

Mac,
My dressing started through making connections with a GF I had, certain clothes may have mentally suggested her body and in the process I had an involuntary orgasm ( I say this because at the age of 8-9 I knew nothing of sex !) This series of events locked it in my brain and have never lost the need to want to share my Cding with a woman, if that wasn't possible then I had to accept self satisfaction ! Yes in the early days afterwards you almost hate the clothes and can't wait to get them off ! I guess I must have been in my forties before dressing became a pleasure in its own right and what I looked like made me feel more comfortable and balanced the sexual need ! I still accept the two go together but I don't feel guilty about something I know I can't change ! There is no cure only a balance !

[Katey888]

Thanks for asking more questions Mac - do my best to answer...


I'm curious though, how you've managed to keep this a secret despite being a family man. Does your wife know about it?

No - and we have many discussions about that here, and it's worth remembering that the majority of forum members are out to their wives/SOs when they join, so that tends to colour opinions a bit. How do I keep it a secret? As another member succinctly put it: A highly compartmentalised and paranoid life (at least this part of it!). I've always been fortunate enough to be able to manage how and when I do it - it was often, but not always, coupled with frequent business trips, and only the past 18 months has involved the complete 'transformation' package, so to speak, so clothing is relatively easy to remove... makeup (to the depth required to bury my flaws...) a bit more difficult... I also don't feel the need to do it as often as many folk here - I'm probably at about once or twice a month for a few hours and that's been constant over several years.


Given the image that I've worked upon for so long, of being 'that cool dude', I'd be ostracized from every possible group I'm part of if anyone finds out about my 'darker side'.
You're probably right, but there are parts of this scene that are cool too - they're just only cool to the weird folk (that's us) that appreciate them. ;)


If it doesnt sound inappropriate, can I ask how old are you? I'm asking because you said something about keeping it at a 'fetish' or sexual low level for a long period of time. For me it has never gone beyond that level. So once I get older and the sexual urge isnt as strong as it is now, I wonder if the habit will die on its own, cos then I'll have no more reason to dress up? I can never imagine myself transforming into a woman if there wasnt this sexual angle to it, and also if I have a woman in life. I'll make her dress up and be my fantasy rather than becoming my fantasy myself, lol! :P

My age - alarmingly - is in my profile... How coy is that? I'm 55. :eek: If I look back at how this has developed over time, I'd say the beginning of a desire to be more complete in presentation started about 8-10 years back, maybe a bit longer. It's hard to remember as it was all about the experience rather than a complete 'look'. I didn't consciously pursue it as just a sexual thing over presentation - I know the thought of presentation was there much earlier as a teenager (first wig and abortive attempts at makeup) but the presentation never represented a strong enough desire for me to pursue it. This conversation does make me wonder <again> how it might have developed if I'd started earlier but I don't think much would have changed - like you, the risk to social circle, career, and impact on my family was simply too great to risk. I wouldn't say it's anything to do with a declining sexual urge for me (and I know there are other members older than me who echo this perspective) but more with a decreasing risk to my lifestyle and family. Of course, I'm still careful - if I go out it's where there would be an infinitesimal chance of being inadvertently outed - but if it happened it would be a much lesser impact than 15-20 years ago.

And I think some of us do emulate our own fantasies for a variety of motivations... Interesting thread this... :thinking:

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Mac,

I can only chime in with what others have said . . . you are as normal as the next person. You just happen to have a different way of expressing things with it comes to sexual release. You will find many here who are straight, manly men heterosexuals who are in committed relationships, raise families, hold steady jobs who engage in dressing the same way you do. It is harmless and most likely acts as a release valve for pent up feelings (hence your ebb or flow between relationships). Curing your condition . . . the jury is kind of out on that one. It appears from what I have read here, it is something that will stay with us and curing it is probably not a potential outcome. The best bet is to embrace it and fit it into your life. It may be something you do in private when needed then get back to be "guy you". I would not worry too much about schizophrenia or multiple personalities . . whole different ball of psychological wax there.

In the interim, while you come to grips with this, remember we are all her for you should you have questions or just want to talk.

Hugs

Isha

[Maria 60]

All seems fine from here. Ill tell you my story, I sometimes take my wife for granted, sometime you have to taste sour once in a while to remember what sweet is. When I told my wife about my problem surprisingly she was pretty good about it, and wanted me to express myself in front of her, after three months she came home from work and I was sitting watching TV wearing her dress. She didn't say anything but I started apologizing to her about the way I was and that maybe I should get help and don't know why I get these feelings to do what I do. She sat next to me and told me to calm down and because this was new to her to, and she observed my actions the last few months. She told me there was nothing wrong with me and there are worst things in life, she can handle her husband wearing her clothes, but can't handle a cheating husband or a drunk or drug a addicted man, asking me to stop banging my brains out trying to figuring it out and just enjoy it, and why I was blaming myself for something I didn't sign up for. She told me not to feel guilty and what I do in private is my business and everybody has some sort of skeleton hanging in there closet, and my skeleton isn't harming nobody and do what ever makes me happy and get my thrills on. She changed my life and from that day on I stopped trying to figure it out and really started to just enjoy it. I now just kind of go with it, wherever it takes me. Maybe you could try doing the same and the faint of time will answer all our questions. And it's a lot better then feeling quilt y'all the time. Good luck with everything.

[Tina_gm]

Like yourself, love yourself, be free to be yourself. I am not going to advise you to go do it or not do it. any choice you make is yours and is likely the right choice for the time you make it. Accept yourself for all that you are regardless if you dress or don't dress, for however you enjoy yourself. You have a condition called human. Its not a disease, nor a dysfunction. Society may tell you differently, because society only deals with the majority. You are in a minority and that is not a crime. You already know that if you could make it go away you would, so you were born this way. Not your fault. Not the fault of any of us.

Be good to yourself, be good to others. Thats my advice to you.

[AletaHawk]

Mac, far more experienced members have said it better, but I'll add my voice to the choir. There's nothing wrong with you at all. I know the guilt and the shame and the WTF moments all too well myself. My personal advice is to take this time you have to yourself as a blessing. Explore who you really are and come to both an understanding and acceptance of that reality. You may want to seek professional help as it can't hurt, but I certainly understand how that may not be a financial option for you.

Best of luck to you! We're all here if you need to chat :)

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Mac, I'm jumping on the bandwagon for the most part, but just to reinforce the message here... there's nothing wrong with you!!!

Like you, when I got into 'dressing it was purely sexual, a fetish I enjoyed with a girlfriend back in my early 20's, I'm in my mid 50's now and while I still 'dress I do it now mainly because it feels good, it feels "right," it puts me in a "Happy Place," as my girlfriend says, she's also commented that I'm more affectionate, more in touch with my emotions, both when, and in the days after I 'dress.

A couple of things I will say, the urge or need will probably never go away; the reasons for doing it, and the emotions you experience, may evolve over time as in my case, but for whatever reason, you'll probably still be doing this long past retirement, as many on this forum can attest! :heehee:

But one thing I can't stress enough, you have to get past the guilt and the shame, you have to accept yourself for who you are... all of you! The way I see it is... if you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

You're obviously struggling with this, mainly, it seems, because of your uber-masculine upbringing and the unfortunate reaction from your sister; finding your way here is a great first step, you've already commented on how supportive and positive we all are - we're a pretty eclectic bunch! - but it could be that a therapist, one experienced with Gender Dysphoria, would help you enormously in this regard.

Good luck!!! :)
Paula

[Beverley Sims]

I think you started in a similar vein to the rest of us.
Your feelings are quite the norm so I feel that you should read some posts here share your thoughts and you may find you are not the odd one out at all.

[Charlyne]

Mac, Your story is similar, in many ways, to mine. I am in my sixties now and wish I had handled by cross dressing differently long ago. I should have figured a way to share this with my wife of many years. She has passed away. I have a SO that's knows and seems to enjoy my dressing. My life is changed for the better. My advice is figure out a way to share with a lady friend. If you somehow are outed you can say "she made me do it" LOL.

[Marcie Rose]

Mac,

I grew up in an fundamentalist Christian family too and even became a pastor. I struggled for years that crossdressing is a sin and God is mad at me, based on Deuteronomy 22:5. I've since realized that verse is largely mistranslated and is really about idol worship practices, not crossdressing. The book of Deuteronomy no longer applies to us today anyway and were simply rules to maintain the culture and safety of the primitive nomadic Israelites. God loves us just the way we are and wants us to be happy. So if crossdressing makes us happy, He/She is happy about it too. As for untorward stuff happening after crossdressing, that's life, not God's wrath. If you're already feeling guilty, your mind is making connections where there aren't any.

Also there are not 2 separate people in you. Every guy has a feminine side. Most are just too scared or conformist to show it. I learned there is no one to blame for the feminine side. It's just a natural part of us that we should enjoy.

Marcie


I grew up in an orthodox Christian family, and there were strict rules in the family of how a guy should behave like, my dad being the 'role-model' for the whole family. As I grew older, I was too scared to ask anyone about this 'anomaly' in me. I started reading up online on this topic and it wasnt helping. "Is crossdressing a sin?" I'd search and most christian sites that would come up at the very top would say, "Yes! It is. Jesus wants you to BE A MAN if you are born a man and not be a sissy.." and other things along those lines.

I may be thinking too much over it cos I feel guilty already, but everytime I dress up and do it, in the days following, something untoward happens to me. It could be my boss scolding me, or me losing money or something.. I know, it could be a coincidence, but I always end up feeling like its God's wrath for I've sinned. ;(

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi people,
I'm as 'guy-ish' a guy can get. I have a day job, and in my free time, I enjoy hanging out with my buddies over a couple of beers and stuff. I love bikes, go on extended biking trips with my biker gang on weekends, enjoy action movies, games and heavy metal.

:)

You know what, we should meet up for a beer or two. You sound just the sort or guy who would fit in with my mates.

Look upon your situation as being your Yin and Yang. Apparently opposite or contrary forces that are actually complementary. Don't beat yourself up over this. You shouldn't feel any guilt. What you're experiencing is just you being you. Luddite ultra conservative opinions have for years bombarded us with what's right and wrong. Well you know what? Things change. Eventually intelligence will prevail and people will recognise that it's OK to be different. Not wrong, just different. Relax and both embrace and enjoy your Yang. It's a good place to be.