Asking Questions for GG's and CD/TS

[Greenie]

Good morning all!

I have another question for you. Time to throw a couple more sticks in the fire and a couple more pebbles out there. J/k. This one shouldnt ruffle any feathers. Its more of a brain picking question related to an issue Luca and I are working on handling.

Luca and I have been going to couples counseling, and it really works wonders for communication skills. If you have not gone, I recommend it to any one in any relationship, not just someone who had CDing in the relationship.

I find that I have a lot of questions that Lucas cannot answer. I am trying to learn that not every question has an answer because sometimes he just doesn't know. For example, how far will this go? DO you see a transition in the future? but sometimes even questions like "What do you like about X" "What do you get out of doing X"

Often its hard to commuicate about wants a needs when none of the questions can be answered. At least I feel like this happens to us. I am just wondering if it happens to any of you?

CD/TS:
Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?
If so, what do you do?
If not: has it always been this way or did you need to get there? Give the the magic bullet to this problem! ;)
Does you wive or SO seem to be frustrated if you cannot answer a question?
( Honesty: sometimes I get frustrated! I am a planner and I like to know the future even when its impossible)
If she is; how does that make you feel?
(Luca gets upset when I get frustrated and then it turns into a thing. We are working on it not turning into a thing, to be fair this happens with any question not just TG related ones)

GG's
DO you often ask questions you do not get answers to
If so; How does this make you feel?
If not, Good for you! Please tell me the magic to this equation.
If you could get an answer to your most pressing question; what question would that be?

[kimdl93]

Sure, the question of "why" remains only partially answerable. My wife and I both know, on an intellectual level, where the science points...towards genetic and embryonic development influences. And we know that MRIs and pet scans suggest physical evidence of these factors. But as humans we seem to want a simple answer even when it's not either available or totally definitive.

How far it will go is another tough one to answer, particularly for young people. Since I'm in my extremely late 40s....ha....and as a couple we've been dealing with this you and Luca were 7, we have a longer frame of reference and we have both come a long way. It's a little easier to foresee the future with that perspective. What I foresee is spending more than half, perhaps upwards of 70 percent of my life as a woman and shifting back when circumstances require it. She has known for some time that I would prefer to be at or near full time and we have reached a level of mutual accommodation.

[Meghan4now]

Greenie,

Are the pebble supposed to burn? Not a good choice for tinder!

I guess the question of how far is this going or where is this going is the hardest one to answer. First I don't really know and thoughts change from time to time. Second it depends on where when and how the question is asked and the heat of the moment. I admit that sometimes I won't always answer knowing that what I feel at the moment is likely to be incendiary.

But I would say that in my relationship, I tend to be the more communicative, and have to pull her into the conversation.

But I have to do that carefully. She can become very resentful and shut down if she feels forced into a conversation she would like to ignore.

-M.

[pamela7]

there are many ways to access answers within the unconscious, though if the person themselves is hiding the answers, albeit unconsciously, then you can get to a "don't know yet". Pushing into what lies behind "don't-know" is a skilled and potentially upsetting to the present self. Nature takes its course, by just working with the present situation things will emerge and resolve themselves imo.

So, I searched, found answers and sometimes not. Why do I CD?, because I like how it feels.

[Tina_gm]

better brew another pot, Greenie is asking questions again.... lol

"how far will this go/do you want to go"-
I don't have an answer. I don't have a CD destination. I am still one and probably always will be who would in a heartbeat take the blue pill. My goal is personal acceptance of myself. I am a feminine person. There I said it. I have fought being feminine and trying to be more masculine all my life. It has been a failed struggle all my life. trying to not be what I am, and trying to be what I am not. wearing feminine/female clothing feels good, it feels right for me. It is not how wrong dressing in men's clothing is, or doing "manly things" are, but that feminine things/clothing is a better fit for me. accepting myself is my goal, and trying to manage life and find ways to accommodate myself in a way that does not disrupt a good life. I am fortunate that being a guy is not a bad thing for me. Even if sometimes I don't always get what guys do or like so much. I could go out and hunt animals and do all that "stuff" and not feel one tiny bit of remorse over it. Sleep well at night. But I do not get what the enjoyment or thrill is of it. Or building things, or fixing things. I am not very good at it and don't really care to be. What I do know I will do, and it does not bother me to do it, get dirty etc etc. But I do it because something needs to get done and if I can do it, I will. No enjoyment of it whatsoever.

"Do you feel like a woman trapped in a man's body"- when my wife 1st asked me this question not long after I began to open up and actively CD, I said no. Now, I would say that answer is somewhat modified. I do not identify as a woman, but I do feel a sense of being trapped in a body that does not match well with me being feminine. I do not feel that I am acting, or not authentic as a guy. But I feel like a big part of me is restricted and repressed at times. I have no female personality other than just me being me. I make no type of personality transformation whatsoever. I have no female name I associate with. I just connect well/better with that which is aligned in more traditionally feminine ways.

[Jules Spirit]

I don't think there has been a question I have asked that my SO hasn't been able to answer. A few questions might have taken some think time on his part, but I've always gotten an answer eventually. That said, I am married to a very critical thinker who has never been afraid to consider all aspects of himself, so it's not out of the norm for him to know himself well. ��

[STACY B]

As far as the How far question when they answer that one THEY REALLY don't know . You could take a Crossdresser an hook them up to a lie detector an ask them that an I will BET you that most will pass .

An the rest of it is all a WAITING GAME ! This whole TS world is a waiting game ,, Wait for this an that ,, Gets tiresome after a while . But you gotta do it for your own good . You can't rush it ,, It's kinda like trying to eat Jello before it gets done . No matter how many times you check it it's done when it gets done .

You could do what a lot of us do ,, Look here or go to Y tube an watch endless video's ,, Mostly YOUNG SUCCESS story's there ,, Not much for us old FAT girls ,,lol,,,

[jessicabf]

Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer? Of course. I imagine every CDer at one point - or many times - looks in the mirror and asks "why?".

If so, what do you do? I am fortunate to be in an incredible relationship. My SO actually open this door to me. It is a aspect of our relationship. It is an item of bonding for us, not a issue that separates. Over the years we have been married, we have both found aspects of each other that we didn't know before. Some easy, some difficult to deal with. But that is the nature of relationship. I have no expectation that we will be the same in ten years, that we are now. I do not indulge in CD'ing to escape my SO. So when we hit something that we don't understand, it remains between us. I love my SO to much to allow my own desires and interest to be put before her. If she eventually grew uncomfortable with this aspect of me, I would turn from it. I think above all, one should be completely honest with each other. We would rather struggle with honest differences, than dishonest harmony.

[Greenie]

better brew another pot, Greenie is asking questions again.... lol

"Do you feel like a woman trapped in a man's body"- when my wife 1st asked me this question not long after I began to open up and actively CD, I said no. Now, I would say that answer is somewhat modified. I do not identify as a woman, but I do feel a sense of being trapped in a body that does not match well with me being feminine. I do not feel that I am acting, or not authentic as a guy. But I feel like a big part of me is restricted and repressed at times. I have no female personality other than just me being me. I make no type of personality transformation whatsoever. I have no female name I associate with. I just connect well/better with that which is aligned in more traditionally feminine ways.

No NO! I promise! :) You know you all missed me and my incessant questions.

The thing for me is that I know over time the answers to some of my most critical questions changed. Just like what you describe above. Whats hard to come to terms with is being involved, or not knowing that this is something that is changing (Example Below). I do not expect to want the same things in 5 years, so i need to assume that Luca's wants will change as well. He fears telling me when something progresses, because he fears that I will think its inevitable he will transition. All in all I think not talking about this stems from fear. We are working on getting through the initial deception, and one of the primary reasons for counseling. What he needs to realize, is I AM IN THIS. WOuld I be going to counseling, and posting on a CD forum, if I wasn't all in!? (Well maybe, But I am all in)

I am a transparent person. I love Luca, and I am willing to work on this. But I would be lying if I didn't say it was hard. We also are both only 24, and i think CDing issues stem mostly from other issues, Communication, trust, history, family. Etc. I accept this. I have no issue with the fundamental description of this, I have issues with the way we communicate about those issues. OH MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY ISSUES IN A SENTENCE. ISSUES ISSUES.

The hardest was this last weekend, when we talked about the idea of him coming out at work. For many reasons we reached the conclusion that wasn't a good idea. But our counselor asked if "this would increase lucas's quality of life" and "what did he expect to gain by coming out coworkers". Lucas could come up with more negatives than positives, and the positive was that when someone asked about his weekend, he could be honest. ( We discussed whether or not talking about your personal life at work to any extent bordered on unprofessional, we are still talking about that, but you know, counseling is only an hour!!! :))

So when we got home we discussed how a year ago this was just a thing he does, and now he describes it as a part of what makes him who he is. I was not privvy to the shift in his mental state, and asked when did this occur to you and why did we not talk about it. To which, no definitive answer. In turn, I got frustrated and felt left out and in the dark, and we had yet another thing to talk about in counseling.

[Katey888]

OMG!!! You're only 24.... :cry: I can barely remember those days and you're three years younger than my eldest... :eek:

I don't mean that as a distraction but I think it is relevant... I applaud your desire to have a better understanding but personally I think you might also be over-analysing at this stage of your life. You speak of issues? I'd say you have no idea of real issues yet, in a positive sense... You both have a lot more living to do before those come along - and in fact, my recommendation is two-fold:

1) If you haven't already, read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray. It's been around a while, it's simplistic but it really hits some very salient points about the differences between Ms and Fs... and ultimately I think it helps to understand those differences, but also comprehend that in some cases, there's not much you can about them other than compromise. Read it together if you can. :)

2) Keep the counselling to a minimum and go out and do some living. Get some mileage under your wheels before worrying too much whether they'll come off the wagon or not.

As you've correctly observed already, at your... tender age.. :D a lot can change in a year - and will in successive years, so try to spend less time thinking and more just doing stuff. It will be more fun, and may help to determine your future direction more than you could ever realise through planning and analysis...

Katey x

[Tina_gm]

One of the hardest and probably most unfair things for GG's is the progression aspect. When we have denied and repressed this our whole lives, when someone represses or denies anything to themselves they won't always get clarity. As we begin to open and up and accept ourselves, it isn't a epiphany and we have full knowledge and clarity in an instant. Our own acceptance takes time too.

I try to emphasize this on this board to other CDers, that just because there was no master plan, or that you didn't have a full understanding that it makes it any easier for them, because I know it doesn't.

For me, what I have come to realize over the last several months is that my femininity is not some extra thing I carry around. It is simply me. I began to run into some emotional distress because I was treating it like an extra appendage, this thing I had to control and I was still in a way fighting it. Initially acknowledging its existence and a beginning acceptance was good, but eventually I treated it almost as if it was alien to me but I had to "deal with it" because I could not exterminate it.

Because I am now aware that I simply am a feminine person and I no longer attempt to fight myself at all (I still conceal my dressing and certain likes and mannerisms)...but I don't fight it internally. my wife picks up on my femininity more in some ways. But, I am also easier to be around than ever. She has gained a greater knowledge of it, and in some ways because I myself am no longer treating it like a hostile or extra part of me I cannot shed, made it easier for her to accept. But also she does have a greater feeling of insecurity. I can only try to be as honest as I can be with her and let her know that I always want her in my life. I am a better person the more I can accept myself and I have to hope that will work through any of the difficulties that come with all of this.

[TinaZ]

I'm extremely lucky, because my Sweet Baby Cakes is not only supportive, but she's a professional nut cracker, too (a licensed, certified mental health therapist), so she often will point me toward helpful tools when I'm struggling with issues. She's careful not to place herself in a therapist's position with me, but will suggest I look into something that might help.

Anyway, one of her best suggestions was the idea of Radical Acceptance. The nutshell version is, when we radically accept something as it is, it eliminates suffering. The formula is Pain + Non Acceptance = Suffering. If you eliminate the Non Acceptance, you eliminate Suffering. You're left with pain, but now you can work through it.

In my case, I had to radically accept that I am transgender. I am transgender and I likely will never know why I am transgender. I have radically accepted that. It made a huge difference.

(By the way, if you're interested in Radical Acceptance, Google "Radical Acceptance DBT." There's also a Radical Acceptance piece to Buddhism, but it's not the same thing. Add "DBT" to your search to be more efficient.)

[meganmartin]

So far I have been able to answer all my wife's questions honestly, however sometimes I have had to say " are you sure you want to know the answer ". Early on I told her I will give it to you straight but you have to accept the answer. So far this has worked well for us.

Just an example; she asked me if I could would I do it all the time. I did ask you sure you want to know, she agreed to hear my answer. I told her no not all the time however I would like to be in a place I could go when I want dressed like I want without concern. Meaning if i wanted to go to work dressed or out to dinner with her, whatever as my mood dictates.

I do understand your S/O inability to answer somethings. If she had asked me this question early in my journey I probably would have not been able to give a solid answer.

[Cheryl T]

Of course I've been asked questions for which I have no answer.
The most obvious of course is "Why?". I just replied that I had been searching for that answer all my life.

If I don't have an answer I just say I don't.

As for "where will this lead?" I really do not know.
Will I transition...? Again, I don't have that crystal ball. I was asked if I was TS and my answer was "yes, to a degree". I don't know how far I will go, if I will go farther, when it might happen or anything else that could provide more detail. I just know that while at this time I don't feel "trapped" as many girls say they feel, this may change. Life is not static. As the saying goes, "The one constant is change".

[Suzie Petersen]

I think a good part of the problem for many is that sometimes the answer isn't known at the time. We might think it is, but then as we mature, grow and gain more knowledge, we see the same thing in a different light and the answer changes accordingly!

Sometimes the answer is also not want we want to hear ourselves, but we might not be fully aware of that in the moment! And sometimes the answer given is the only acceptable one! Not really a lie but the only way to get past the moment.

So what happens when the young wife asks the young hubby who recently admitted to liking to dress up: "Will you transition and live full time as a woman?". What the chance that hubby knows the answer at that time? Besides, what is the consequence of answering Yes or answering No at that moment?
Add to the mix the possibility that young wife asks the question is a slightly upset voice!

So young hubby answers "No, absolutely not". Does she believe him?
Or .. young hubby answers "Yes!" now the marriage may be ending! Did he know for sure at this early stage?
Or .. he answers "I dont know?". What is young wife now supposed to do? Wait and hope it goes away, or maybe gets worse?

We are all different and have different paths, but my point is that sometimes the question is so difficult, that it can be better to either not ask it!!! Or .. not answer it!
A bit of Damned if you do and Damned if you don't!

Things change! We grow and we learn, both about the world and about ourselves. But there is a tendency to think that our partner is not allowed to change his or her mind! If you say it, you have to stick with it, right! No, absolutely not. Things change and we change our minds and our opinions.

On a less philosophical note, regarding coming out at work: I would strongly advise against it unless you are TS and transition is in the immediate future. It is unlikely that anything good will come from it and it can cause extremely dramatic reactions.

- Suzie

[Kate Simmons]

I usually answer these types of questions by how I feel at the time. As time goes on and I evolve as a person, sometimes the answer changes with experience. Nothing is immutable as far as I'm concerned when it comes to growing as a person. :)

[RachelsMantra]

I want to echo many of the sentiments already shared in this thread.

If you had asked me two years if I would ever want to dress fulltime as a woman I would have said "No, it's more of a private, sexual thing". Now that I am in the process of getting a divorce and single my thoughts and feelings have changed and are changing all the time. Now I think about going into work dressed all the time. I consider small steps like having my nails painted at work or maybe wearing a pink shirt, tighter pants, or women's shoes. Do I know how far I want to take it? No. Do I want to ever transition and take HRT? I don't think so right now but once I establish my career maybe my thoughts and feelings will be different - it would be naive to think I really know what my future-self is going to desire. Others mentioned the depth of the unconscious. I agree. I have little faith in the ability of introspection to uncover our truest deepest desires. If we introspect and come up empty for answers it's very hard to tell from introspection alone whether we are just repressing something for other reasons. Society has cast a strong net over what our egos allow to come to the surface of consciousness.

I like the idea of radical acceptance. It's hard to be radical though unless you have already come to accept it deeply which is a catch-22. To radically accept being a fulltime CD would be to not only ACCEPT something but have the lack of fear necessary to enact behaviors in public, at work, etc. Acceptance is a cognitive phenomenon but fear is an emotional one and cognitive judgments ("I accept myself") don't necessarily translate into action because those judgments have to be processed by emotional systems in order to enact behavior.

[Sammy777]

CD/TS:Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?
What is the significance of the number 42?
Where does the caffeine go when coffee is decaffeinated?
Why is the rum gone? :lol2:

OH! You mean about being TS?
Technically speaking no. There is a difference between not knowing the answer to a question and not being able to properly verbalize it at the time beyond a simple yes or no. In the beginning there can be a lot of internal questions as one is coming to terms with themselves, shedding years of denial and finally accepting not only themselves but all of the implications that come with it as well.

For some finding their core self is an easy as peeling a banana, for others it is more like an onion.


The hardest was this last weekend, when we talked about the idea of him coming out at work.
So when we got home we discussed how a year ago this was just a thing he does,
and now he describes it as a part of what makes him who he is.
I was not privvy to the shift in his mental state, and asked when did this occur to you and why did we not talk about it.
To which, no definitive answer. In turn, I got frustrated and felt left out and in the dark.
Unless he works in very open and diverse place I agree this would not be a good idea right now.
It depends on where he works. Example: Hot Topic: perhaps, JP Morgan: Nooooooo.

Just because someone has a [pardon the phrase] "hobby" it doesn't mean everyone else at their job wants to hear about it. Whether it be something they simply aren't interested in or something that might make them uncomfortable.
John's pottery class may bore the crap out of his coworkers but is accepted, while Sally's adventures in BDSM will most likely get her odd looks and uncomfortable stares and are better left to herself.

There are many things in life that become part of who we are and will always be with us.
One's general likes, dislikes, interests, taste in books, TV shows or music, hobbies, ect. will and do show through and in a way define us to other people.
Some people will share a deep interest with you, others may not mind/care, and of course there will be some who wonder why such things hold an interest for you?
Have you ever had a someone rattle on for hours about something they are passionate about all the while you are thinking "Get Me The F**k Out Of Here!" :lol2:

CD'ing is a part of him and that most likely will never change, but you have to realize that having a supporting SO has allowed him to be more open about it and thus explore deeper what it means to him and how it fits into his, and yours, lives. This most likely has always been a integral part of who he is but it has taken him time to realize/internally accept it. It most likely was less of an epiphany for him and more of gradual acceptance and thus something even he may not have fully realized until you both revisited the subject again.

This makes sense to me because you sound very open and accepting of all this and would give him no real reason to intentionally hide this from you.

*Although I could be completely wrong, mileage may vary, consult your owners manual, no user serviceable parts inside, do not take while driving or operating heavy machinery, consult your doctor first before taking any advise seriously, do not pass go, do not collect $200, shipping and handling costs not included. :lol2:

[kimdl93]

Anyway, one of her best suggestions was the idea of Radical Acceptance. The nutshell version is, when we radically accept something as it is, it eliminates suffering. The formula is Pain + Non Acceptance = Suffering. If you eliminate the Non Acceptance, you eliminate Suffering. You're left with pain, but now you can work through it.

In my case, I had to radically accept that I am transgender. I am transgender and I likely will never know why I am transgender. I have radically accepted that. It made a huge difference.


What a great concept! Tina, I'd love to read a new thread on how you have employed radical acceptance in your life.

[Jackie7]

Great questions Greenie, and radical acceptance, what a concept! Right from the beginning my wife and I agreed to accept each other no matter what, that soon turned into active approval, and we haven't looked back. But I did not know that an approach like ours had acquired an official name with a theory behind it!

[PaulaQ]

Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?
If so, what do you do?

What is the matrix? (i.e. what is gender dysphoria?)
Will you transition?

The question that should've been asked was really: Are you, in your mind, a man or a woman?

I did what any person with a sense of self-preservation does when given a question where the implicit statement that goes along with the question is of the form "No pressure, but the wrong answer will permanently alter our relationship in a highly negative way almost immediately!!!!", I lied my ass off. I did this from a young age, when I realized that almost no one wants to hear the truth. They want to be told what they want to hear. Ironically, I've found that some of the people least able to handle the truth are the ones who are most indignant when you point that out to them.

I started this tactic when I was quite young, and I realized that I was different, and that my difference would was received with extreme hostility, when noticed. (Thanks Dad!) This was further cemented by the psychotherapist who saw me when I was a kid, giving me standardized tests to find out "what was wrong with me", but never actually asking me about the reason I was there, my gender.

Because really, so often, the question being asked is really: " Do you want to continue this relationship?" The other words are just window dressing, really.

A related question, also almost always unspoken, is "Will you rigidly conform to my mental image of who you really are?" Because, again, this may be framed as a question, but really, it is a demand. You may as well be asking - Your money, or your life?" That really isn't a question, is it?

But of course I am a terrible person for lying so throughout my life. All those people I deceived, including last, but not least, my ex-wife. Oh yes, I owed them the truth, as badly received as it would've been, and as unfairly as I would've been treated, when you are trans you clearly owe the world absolute honesty, but you are entitled to none yourself. Just ask so many folks here - this is stated very clearly by so many, over and over and over again.

Because clearly, to their mind, I chose to be like this. And so I should know what the future will hold, and be ready to face the consequences for my condition. Because I am valueless as a human being, and need to be ready too declare this if asked, lest I should trap anyone into thinking I have something of merit to offer them. Quite obviously, I do not. Oh yes, this has been made clear to me during my life.


If not: has it always been this way or did you need to get there? Give the the magic bullet to this problem!
Does you wive or SO seem to be frustrated if you cannot answer a question?
( Honesty: sometimes I get frustrated! I am a planner and I like to know the future even when its impossible)

I took the red pill. I answered the implicit threat of "your money or your life" with "my life."

I realized that without rigorous honesty I was unlikely to survive much longer, and so without trying to find help, any other consequences I faced would soon be irrelevant.

Not very many people from my past like the honest version of me. My poor ex-wife cannot even bear to see my face.

And yes, asking about the future, something she did a lot after I came out, really wasn't so much a question, as a demand I promise that something she feared would never happen. Of course what she really, really asked was "Promise me I won't find myself one day unable to accept who you are." Of course no one can make, and expect to keep such a promise. Because I have no control over what she would find acceptable over time.


If she is; how does that make you feel?

Well, such questions really didn't encourage me to be honest about my feelings, I can tell you that.

Again, feel free to ignore all of the above. I'm simply a bitter and deceitful person, who's schemes for personal gain were very clearly perpetrated against unsuspecting family members, parents, friends, and coworkers. Now I'm simply unhappy about having to face the music for the horrible choices I made as a young child, and the horrible choices and awful deceits I perpetrated well into my adult life!

However, despite all of that, I would humbly suggest you think about the unstated questions and demands that may lay beneath the surface of your own questions, and be very honest about your fears, worries, and concerns that lie behind the questions. Because most of us learn from an early age that when someone asks us a question that doesn't seem to be based in reality, a truthful answer is rarely going to be viewed as an acceptable answer.

[tictac43]

Hey Greenie!

That's awesome about working on your communication. To me that's the most important part of any relationship, especially one with CDing involved.

As a relatively new CDer, I have had questions I couldn't answer, and that frustrated me for than my GG. Over the past year, I've taken a lot of time to stop and think about what I really want, what I like about it, and also what I don't want from it. It took some deep reflection on my end.

When she gets frustrated it makes me sad. It's hard enough sometimes to deal with this new discovery of myself in my own head, and sometimes I'm just looking for that shoulder to lean on. But deep down I know that she has every right to be just as frustrated as me if not more. This can be a big shock.

Recently we have done a lot better. I had a long talk with her and we shared our thoughts on it and I opened up about what I had figured out in my reflections. We made a path forward for now (slow and steady) and we will go from there. I can send you PM if you want hear our path etc. Hope this helps!

[Meghan4now]

Paula,

Ouch! I feel for you. And I really appreciate your sharing. Absolutely brutally honest and unvarnished. But in the end there is still hope and love in the world, both of which you deserve and I believe you will experience.

-M.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Kae,

CD:
Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?

No, my wife has asked all the questions she wants to ask. We still "talk" about cross dressing but now it is more about what looks good to crazy things some cross dressers wear, whatever.

If not: has it always been this way or did you need to get there? Give the the magic bullet to this problem! ;)

It has always been this way. Of course she asked the first two basic questions: are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? But, I am, without any doubt, certain as to what and who I am and my wife knows that. It helps that we have been together for more than 30 years in some form or another. The "magic" bullet is talking. Certainly there are some questions that may be more difficult to answer, most likely due to embarrassment rather than not knowing but there is an answer of that. Put your lawyer hat on and rephrase the difficult question into several small, answerable questions. For example, when faced with, "How far will this go?" Your SO might better be able to respond to: Do you want to dress every day? How many times a week do you want to dress? Do you want a wig? Do you want forms? Do you want to go out? If yes, where do you want to go? What do you want to do when out? etc....

I'll add that my wife is a planner as well. I, on the other hand, can live moment to moment. It drives her nuts! We're different people and I try to give a heads up when I can but it's just a reality that she has to do the work if she wants a plan.

...

[Marcelle]

Hi Greenie . . . always such interesting questions.

Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?

When I first came out the biggest question was . . . Why? However, after beating that dead horse so many times both my wife and I agreed to just accept it and go with it. Akin to Tina's radical acceptance.

Now the biggest question is "How far will this go?" My wife has seen me go from "not wanting to go out in public" to "going out on occasion" to now a "40/60 split" and this summer I will be asking for accommodation at work to present "en femme" once a week when civilian attire is authorized (the rest of week of uniform and unless you are TS . . . guidelines apply for gender). So naturally my wife can get concerned.

If so what do you do?

In this instance, I do not lie and tell her the truth as best I can "Sweetie, I just don't know". Now it is not that simple as there is a lot of discussion around this progression, in concert with what I take away from therapy in that I do know I am at a comfortable point in my presentation time and going to work "en femme" is that last barrier in my 40 percent female time.

Does my wife get frustrated? Possibly but she does not show it though I will assume she is at the least concerned. We have talked about his often and both realize that should it progress further there will be a breaking point and we have a contingency in place that should that occur we will agree to part as friends though it will not be easy after 26 years of marriage.

Hugs

Isha

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Greenie

Have you been faced with a question you cannot answer?
Yes. My wife wants to know "where it will end" or "how far will I go"? I honestly don't know. I've told her about some fantasies which center around us getting ready for a romantic dinner and dancing together, both dressed as women. I've told her I intend to go to one of those transformation services and learn to do makeup, and eventually buy wigs and makeup. I've explained that my efforts to lose weight are in order to fit better into women's clothes. All of that involves improving my feminine appearance, but I truly don't know the end game. I never thought I would have a complete woman's wardrobe and a sizeable collection of high heels, but now I do. I guess only time will tell what the future holds. My wife doesn't appreciate this uncertainty, and I can't blame her.

If so, what do you do?
I try to reassure her that I love her and will never do anything to embarrass her or the kids, and that I will always be there for her, but the question remains unanswered for us both.

Does you wife or SO seem to be frustrated if you cannot answer a question?
Yes. Some days more than others. The reality is that CD is a living, evolving thing as much for me as for her. It's not static. Its pull on me varies--some days the attraction to women's attire and appearance is so strong that I wonder myself what it would be like to go all in and transition. Other days I really feel no desire at all. She tends to look at it as black and white. She has obvious visual evidence of "progression" in my expanding wardrobe and shoe collection, so her assumption is that I will continue to progress. I try to separate the possessions from more permanent physical changes, but then she points out the weight loss. So she is frustrated at my inability to articulate what's really going on, and because I don't know, I can't tell her.

"If she is; how does that make you feel?"

I feel terrible about what I am putting her through--the future uncertainty. But I also think I would be dishonest if I kept it bottled up inside. I wish I would have told her years ago, when she could have made an easier decision, before the kids and all the other things that bind us together. Sometimes I think she feels trapped, and I feel guilty because I caused it. Other days she seems to really enjoy aspects of CD, so I get mixed messages too. When she buys me a pair of satin women's pajamas for Valentine's Day, it's a fairly clear signal of acceptance. Or if she's shopping for a dress or skirt online, she'll say, "look, they have it in your size, do you want one too?". Other days she will shake her head at me in kind of exasperated way. I find that ambiguity in her acceptance confusing. So I suppose we are both kind of feeling our way forward.

I don't know where all this will end, but I hope it's with my wife and I together.

Thanks for the chance to offer my 2 cents

Shibumi

[Greenie]

Thank you all for your answers! I didn't forget about you, I was away from a computer with limited Internet access all weekend.

It is good to know that when other members struggle they can still have fulfilling relationships. :) I don't want you to struggle of course, but it shows the human aspect of this and how it can sometimes be frustrating for wives who feel like they were left out of something.

[Dana44]

As one who is in the thick of it now, I told my SO that I do have an answer. I am quite feminine with a tough male exterior. My SO told me that she saw some feminine sides to me before I came out and told her. I do know that I will die a male with my boots on, LOL. I even have a male code of dress as i'm an old cowboy/girl. Although I have both sides of my brain working, that's why when somebody who looks closely will note that I do have feminine qualities although I can push back to another male. I'm like a leader in the pecking line. I like being with women, I always find myself in the midst of them and the men all gathered somewhere else. I've had to force myself to go to the men only to find myself back with the women after a while. I, for my own sanity view my feminine side and the fact that I can dress as a fun exotic side of me. I communicate with my SO and feel that we are closer. I do love her and it is my duty to please her and be a man for her. Yet I am dressing three days out of the week. I guess that I am a part time girl.:battingeyelashes: