Transition on the job

[PaulaQ]

Well, this isn't going so well. I still have a job, so that part is way above average.

However, I've been trying, without much luck, to get my name changed on my company email and login id's.

This has proven to be more difficult than I'd have guessed. We're two months into all of this, and all of my legal / financial stuff is changed with the company. They even let me send them a new photo, since I've changed quite a bit.

They changed all that stuff, and then hit technical snags with changing my email / login.

So yesterday, I noticed that apparently for some time now, my female picture displays on outlook email right next to my old male name. I hadn't made any kind of widespread announcement, about my transition, except to my immediate coworkers. I was waiting on the change to my email / name to show up. (I hadn't gotten any ideas from HR on how they want me to handle all of this.)

Anyway, yesterday, I was staring at my new picture, right there next to my old name. And I realized a couple of things. For one thing, I feel humiliated, what a terrible way to announce my transition. I look like a total freak to someone who doesn't know what's going on. I mean, what in the hell could they even think about something like that? I have no idea about how to talk about this at work. I am very embarrassed. I work remotely, so the little picture of me in my email is all anyone sees of me.

This was also fairly triggering. After seeing it there right next to my old name, I realized that I hate my face. I've always hated it. I have felt better about it during the past year and a half, because it's softened a bit with HRT. But seeing it there right next to my old name brought all those feelings back. I still see the old me. The only person I'm fooling is myself. It is all I can do right now not to break every mirror in my condo.

I'm thinking about just selling what little I have left, and getting whatever FFS I can afford done. Really, I don't even want to be able to recognize myself anymore.

It's interesting. I am looking down at my hand, and I have realized that I've injured it. I'm not even sure how I did that, but I better go look around and see if I've broken anything in my condo.

I really don't want to work there anymore. But I need the money, I have a lot of alimony to pay each month. But I've spent the day sending email, and freaking out a little more with each one I send.

Hopefully I'll calm down, my feelings right now aren't pleasant ones.

[Dianne S]

If your name is changed legally, I would go to HR and ask them to ensure that everything is set up to match your name. That seems to me a pretty reasonable request.

[Jennifer-GWN]

For me as soon as I have my id picture updated it automatically becomes reflected in outlook as part of general integration. They may have similar linkages in placed and over looked the automated services. Last week I was at one of our head office and needed to get a renewed I'd. They asked if I just wanted based on my existing picture or did I want a new picture taken. I chose just to have a new card issued keeping my existing picture.name change a public coming out still under timeline consideration.

Cheers... Jennifer

[PaulaQ]

@Dianne, yes, it's legally changed. And I've been working with HR. It would seem a reasonable thing to ask, but so far, not so much.

I'll probably have to settle for my old name based login ID, with my work logged under my old name. They should at least be able to make my name displayed in email and my current photo match. I'd at least have that. I'd have to type my old name in half a dozen times / day to login, which sucks.

I really wish I could unsee the picture combined with my old name. Wish everyone else would unsee it too.

I really feel bad about all this right now.

[flatlander_48]

Interesting. Our Outlook is not set up to automatically populate and I'm not sure that we could if we wanted. It would seem that it would be easy enough to depopulate yours. I can't understand why it would be mandatory to have your photo in Outlook anyway. Suppose someone had a disfigurement from an accident. Would they want to see their photo all the time?

DeeAnn

[Karen62]

Paula, I feel so bad for you because you feel hurt. Have you spoken to HR about this? Is your company professing support for your transition? I used to work for a *very* large software company in the Pacific Northwest (I'm sure you've heard of them if you're reading this message on a computer). I noted for years that there was no consistent style to email addresses created for new employees. As in, first letter of first name and last name concatenated, or whatever. This company used whatever amalgamation of letters in the first and last names that they could. As a result, many people got really weird email aliases, and some were borderline offensive (when you can concatenate any number of beginning letters from your first and last names, you can get really creative results, and all too often the addresses were at least comical if not actually insulting and/or mildly demeaning (at the expense of the employee, of course). I always suspected there was a tiny team in the IT Security department who took infinite pleasure in doing this. I always assumed they overcame the boredom of the same drudgery job everyday by creating these email addresses for new hires.

I don't know how big your employer is. Perhaps your employer's IT department is managed by some creep (or a small group of creeps) who decided to use your current photo but intentionally (and maliciously) NOT update your name, even though it has been legally changed within the company. This could even be a case of harassment, which should be a violation of HR policy (assuming they don't want to be sued). If you suspect in any way that this could be the case, especially if HR has been otherwise supportive of you, send a quick message to the Director of HR and let them know this has happened. You might see some change happen pretty quickly if the HR folks are good.

Anyway, I am so sorry you have to suffer through this crap. While I am not yet officially out at work, I have been preparing myself for the coming eventuality of it. I've decided (at least in concept) that I cannot control what other people see and do, and as long as I am OK with myself, I will have to tolerate some level of crap, some dished out intentionally and on other occasions, done accidentally. If you show dignity (as is natural with you), I believe most people will feel empathy for your situation and not find amusement in your plight. Make the IT folks (be they incompetent or malicious) the issue and you stand proud of who you are.

Just my thoughts, FWIW.

Karen

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, if they aren't trying, that is more than wrong. Not having things sitting half complete is one of the reasons I took two business days off between how I appeared at work so IT could do things. You are seeing this after two months? That is completely disregarding your needs. It isn't poor staffing or technical glitches, but just not doing what should be done. I am sorry because this is tough enough without having parts dragged out.

For others, even in a good situation, things happen. I had great support from HR and they made a checklist and gave me updates on the changes that happened. One problem was an Outlook add-on that a lot of people installed that took the Sharepoint pictures of everyone addressed in an email and displayed them at the bottom of the email. Before I made the change, a friend told IT they had the wrong picture of him on Sharepoint. They corrected it, but to this day when he is in an email, I still see that wrong picture. Caching is a pain sometimes. I only wonder who still sees Steve's picture next to my name.

The other problem is a new SAP implementation (Enterprise database for those that aren't familiar with it). HR didn't know that it was a different name change from the rest of the systems, so they didn't have it on their list. But I did catch it the first week and HR changed it within an hour. But I kept seeing SAP reports with Steve and didn't know why. So I asked a friend that was a system SuperUser. After two weeks, she came back and said they fixed my name in 70 locations in the databases. What happened to relational databases?

So unfortunately, anyone is at the whim of how IT is deployed. Paula's situation is deplorable. But even with good intentions, you have to stay alert and jump on things.

[LeaP]

Whew - your frustration and anger almost jumps off the screen. The urge (hopefully unrealized) to smash things is a powerful indicator.

I declined to have the company take my picture recently and use the facility to have Exchange use my LinkedIn picture, which I control. In turn, that enables its appearance in many other apps internally, but not all. I've yet to provide a picture directly for fear the same problems you are having.

As an IT person, I doubt there's anything vindictive going on. You just have to chip away at the problem. Propagating name changes in a complex systems environment is a tough problem everywhere.

[Jorja]

Thank goodness they didn't have all the internet connections cross databases etc... they have today when I was last employed by someone else. I can understand your frustration Paula. Keep on them until they get it changed.

[Cindy J Angel]

Sorry to here of your troubles gf. You are a strong woman you did not get this far being week hold your head up. We all see a beautiful woman. I know its hard when you look at your own pictures our see something you are trying to move on from. You will get past this. Love Cindy

[Ann Louise]

Sounds like entrenched transphobes who are still trying to remain anonymous through a maze of bureaucratic machinery are taking cheap shots at you in this nasty way. Trial by fire continues. Some would say this is making you stronger. I say it sucks. Sorry honey. I had to choose between ratcheting it up with ACLU attorneys and a union, or continue to endure the subtle indignities without making too much of a scene. I chose the latter, hung on for a couple of years, and quit. I'd say start to develop your options fully right now so you have some choices. Best, Ann

[Suzanne F]

Paula
You have been such an inspiration to me. I see a beautiful, strong woman who is helping many in the trans community. I am preparing for the day when I come out at work. Please know that I am watching and learning through your struggle. Take a deep breathe and I will be puling for you.
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

Whew - your frustration and anger almost jumps off the screen. The urge (hopefully unrealized) to smash things is a powerful indicator.

As an IT person, I doubt there's anything vindictive going on. You just have to chip away at the problem. Propagating name changes in a complex systems environment is a tough problem everywhere.

Mostly I'm just feeling depression. The changes to my face as I went through puberty really bothered me at the time, although knowing what I know today, I know that facial hair aside, I got off relatively lucky. Still, it is a serious point of dysphoria for me at times. Seeing the female picture of me, not a good one, next to my old name is triggering me something fierce. I have spent a lot of my life hating my face. I spent part of this afternoon not really able to look in the mirror. I really did want to break them, so yes, that part was anger. Not so much at them, but that I'm trans.

I asked my contact in HR if they were trying to get rid of me. A pointless question, since whatever then truth of the matter, the only possible answer is "no." My contact in HR is very nice. I have a meeting scheduled with her in Monday. I'm sure she doesn't understand why I am so bothered by all of this. I mean, what's in a name, right?

The company I work for is a large semiconductor company of about 8000 people. I've been here forever - 15 years. I'm employee #666. The main problem is indeed propagating the change across multiple systems, and in particular, distribution lists that are also used for access to secured information. I get the impression that only a handful of us are in the company. I may well be the first senior engineer who's transitioned on the job at this place, as they seem completely unprepared to handle this, either in terms of IT, or really even in giving me any guidance about how they might want me to handle coming out to people who don't know.

I actually don't have any idea what to say to people who are confused about what's going on with me, because of my picture + old name. So some group of people, I'll probably never know who, knows some weirdness is going on with me. That part really bothers me. It seems like between my ex-wife outing me, and now this, that I've never really gotten to have much control over my story.

The company I work for is sort of progressive. You can be gay and work there. They don't know anything about trans though. I don't think they really care either. In some respects, I expect I'll fight the issue of "We support you! We are liberal! Go LGBT! Our people are open minded, intelligent, and sensitive." And while all of that is true, I know some of the people I've come out to there directly who have been close friends for years no longer chat with me. It's like dealing with my old friends. They've all been like "we support you! We want you to be happy! (However, we don't want to talk with you because we are extremely uncomfortable about your transition, but dare not admit it.)"

None of this will likely be understandable to my HR contact. I'll try. I'm sure she'll be sympathetic, but from her perspective, "nobody at the company would turn their back on someone just because they decided to be a woman! That would be inefficient! And inefficiency is bad!"

I'll let you know what she says, and what they decide to do about all this.

I don't have a good feeling about my future prospects at this place. I'm really starting to hate my job.

[Dianne S]

Sounds like entrenched transphobes who are still trying to remain anonymous through a maze of bureaucratic machinery are taking cheap shots at you in this nasty way.

It could be, but reading between the lines, it sounds like Paula works at a Dilbertesque large company that might just not have its act together. Paula, is that the case? It might then just be a situation in which you need to be firm but polite.

I'm lucky enough to own a small company, so if someone needs an IT change, I do it in 5 seconds. Large companies don't work that way.

Edit: And I just read Paula's post up above... yes, I do think this is just a case of large-company Dilbertitis.

[Michelle.M]

They should at least be able to make my name displayed in email and my current photo match. I'd at least have that.

Yes, they can. This involves some IT guy getting off his butt and getting it done. This is unacceptable. Perhaps you should tell that to HR, gently but firmly. Explain the problems this is causing you. Hold the "hostile work environment" thing for when you need to roll out the big guns.



I'd have to type my old name in half a dozen times / day to login, which sucks.

I have several old logins that use some variation of my old name. Yeah, not ideal, but I'm the only one who has to deal with it, so . . . no biggie.

[PaulaQ]

Yes, they can. This involves some IT guy getting off his butt and getting it done. This is unacceptable. Perhaps you should tell that to HR, gently but firmly. Explain the problems this is causing you. Hold the "hostile work environment" thing for when you need to roll out the big guns.

Honestly, other than the fact that I had to update them when my name changed, I really am starting to regret changing any of this. I've been talking to my management about my transition for more than a year, and pretty clearly they haven't thought much about it at all. I was simply told "don't worry about it - just tell us what you need!" But that doesn't feel very sincere when the first thing I've asked for is for them to change my name, and two months later, it not only hasn't happened, but I'm in this weird and embarrassing limbo where I'm a weird random mix of old and new identities in different parts of their systems.


I have several old logins that use some variation of my old name. Yeah, not ideal, but I'm the only one who has to deal with it, so . . . no biggie.

The problem is that login ID is used to log my work in the source control system. So I'd really be doing all of my work under my old identity. That doesn't feel very good to me. And I'm just tired of having to type in my old name whenever I do anything. Right now, it feels like this has been more trouble than it's been worth. I was unhappy presenting under my old ID until HR felt it was OK for me to disclose my transition. But this? This has been worse. I really hate my job at this point!

I really have no idea now how I'm supposed to explain what has been going on with me. I assume that when this is finally settled, people will continue to email me as "Scott", and it'll be redirected to "Paula." It'll be pretty natural for them not to change, because they'll type in skephart, like they've done for years, and as will still appear on my check ins. How do I explain this, and who do I explain it to? As best I can tell, I'll just have to do this dozens of times, on an individual basis.

I'm unhappy about that.

[Dianne S]

This is why I plan on keeping my initials. My UNIX login ID is my initials and my email address is [email protected]. This will make things a lot simpler.

I don't see why the source code control system should be a big deal. In my case, my commits prior to changing my name will be from (MALE_NAME) and everything after will be from Dianne. I think my coworkers will be able to handle that...

I think you just need to be firm but persistent.

[pamela7]

apart from the "out of order" / "outrageously bad IT support", I feel you've suffered at least accidental abuse/incompetence-caused abuse, and unneccessary suffering, all avoidable, and accidentally intended to cause you to leave your workplace - "constructive dismissal" would be a phrase used here in the UK.

I am so sorry to hear about this Paula, and send you the best wishes and support in seeing it through.

xxx Pamela

[Jorja]

So the real questions here are:

1. What are you going to do about it?

2. Who wins you or them?

[PaulaQ]

1. What are you going to do about it?

Well, I'll start with talking to my HR person, who's also the person who's supporting trans* here. I think we'll start with a really frank talk about how many of us have transitioned on the job here, especially in my position. I know another trans woman in a similar capacity here, but she isn't out yet. (Although I've emailed her to see what she knows, if anything.)

Anyway, I'll explain to my HR contact why this was unpleasant and uncomfortable for me, and discuss what they can do to fix the immediate problem with my identity here, how we go about fixing the social consequences of this (there will probably be some), and if this is a first for them, and if so, how they could, perhaps improve this process for others who come after me.

It's possible, of course, that they'll ultimately tell me to go pound sand, and to take whatever remedy they give me, which is likely to involve typing in my old name over and over and over again each day.


2. Who wins you or them?

It depends on how you define "victory." I mean look, they have me. I need this job, if I take another I'll likely take a massive pay cut, partly because of being trans. And I'm sure finding that job will be a special adventure in its own right. For one thing, any other job I take will probably require me to relocate. I don't have much confidence that I'll find a job here in Dallas.

So unless and until I find another job, I'm kind of at their mercy.

The insurance where I work covers GCS. I'm on the schedule for Bowers for next February, so here's how I see my victory conditions:
1. Keep this job until after I complete GCS. Until then, put up with whatever I have to put up with.
2. Keep this job until my ex sells her house, which will be sooner than I'd thought. Once she sells the place, I won't feel (too) bad if I get a lower paying job and consequently her support is reduced.
3. Keep this job until I find another job.

So for me, a win is to stay employed here at least until #1, and preferably until #3. (#2 is kind of a "nice to have" - I'd prefer she not lose the house before she can sell it.)

I mean hopefully, HR and I can work all of this out, things get fixed, and I am all happy here again, and they are happy with me. That would also be a win for me, because I get my surgery that way too.

[lingerieLiz]

It is one reason that I discourage using your real name as part of the login. Depending on the way the system is set up you may need to use your previous name to do your current login.

One way is to export the data and then reimport it under the new name.

[flatlander_48]

Anyway, I'll explain to my HR contact why this was unpleasant and uncomfortable for me, and discuss what they can do to fix the immediate problem with my identity here, how we go about fixing the social consequences of this (there will probably be some), and if this is a first for them, and if so, how they could, perhaps improve this process for others who come after me.

That's the important part. They need to know exactly how this feels to you. Many people do one of 2 things: they rant and jump up and down and the result is that people quit listening OR someone will say that they feel unpleasant and uncomfortable without going into detail. But, the problem is that the WHY of unpleasant and uncomfortable hasn't been made clear to them. You're the only one that has that message and that's what people need to understand.


It is one reason that I discourage using your real name as part of the login. Depending on the way the system is set up you may need to use your previous name to do your current login.

One way is to export the data and then reimport it under the new name.

Not sure I understand. Usually how usernames are formed in corporate setting is a matter of company policy. It's not something that users have any control over, so I am at a loss to understand your statement.

DeeAnn

[Dianne S]

Not sure I understand. Usually how usernames are formed in corporate setting is a matter of company policy

It depends on the company. At my company, when a new employee starts, I say "So... what do you want your login name to be?"

I've worked at other companies with similar policies. However, the larger the company the less likely this is, I suppose. It's too bad because no policy can guarantee unique names so in large companies, some poor schmuck ends up being "john.smith.17"

OK. Sorry, that was a bit OT. :) But even in a large company, I cannot imagine any technical reasons why it's difficult to change a login name. On UNIX, it's about 5 seconds. I don't use windows so I have no clue, but I can't imagine it would be terribly painful on Windows.

[Promethea]

It's usually not technical reasons, but bureaucracy. Some of it may have to do with actual security requirements (like certain people being aware and signing off on changes to credentials on certain systems, and they may be waiting for one of those folks to realize that email they skipped two weeks ago contained an action item for them), and some of it is just bull, but it exists.

[Nigella]

Bet the e-mail and login will soon be changed when you don't respond, lets face it, the e-mails etc are not for you are they :)

[flatlander_48]

It depends on the company. At my company, when a new employee starts, I say "So... what do you want your login name to be?"

It seems that would lead to unnecessary complications. For one, it would make searching difficult. The only time I've run across loose policies is with very small companies; 20-30 people. My employer has ~25,000 people globally. If you didn't have a structure, it would get pretty ugly very quickly; particularly for names in other languages.


It's usually not technical reasons, but bureaucracy. Some of it may have to do with actual security requirements (like certain people being aware and signing off on changes to credentials on certain systems, and they may be waiting for one of those folks to realize that email they skipped two weeks ago contained an action item for them), and some of it is just bull, but it exists.

The other thing that may come into play would be approval paths for purchases. You might have to change each of the pre-existing instances.

The thing is, while it can be a bit of a messy process, usernames get changed all the time. For example, when women get married. No one balks at changes for that reason. That leaves only 2 real possibilities for inaction: laziness or prejudice.

DeeAnn

[Dianne S]

It seems that would lead to unnecessary complications. For one, it would make searching difficult. The only time I've run across loose policies is with very small companies; 20-30 people. My employer has ~25,000 people globally. If you didn't have a structure, it would get pretty ugly very quickly; particularly for names in other languages.

My company is very small. But even for large companies, IMO, login names should not be imbued with any meaning. They should be treated as opaque tokens. Any large organization will have a directory that's searchable by many other fields. Yes, it makes it harder to guess that Jane Smith's email address is [email protected]... but you also avoid problems such as a steamy love letter intended for jane.smith.3 going to jane.smith.13 instead. :)

[MsVal]

Paula, I have a bit of knowledge in this area.

In a very large automotive company I was known initially by JOUHJD and later as DZ843T. In a very large bank it was NBKORVX. These were matched to credentials which controlled access, permissions, and roles. It was the key in HR, asset, and finance, databases, in Lotus Domino (server part of Lotus Notes), and in MS Active Directory and MS Exchange (server part of MS Outlook), where it was "hidden" and only my person_name was visible.

It could be that the relation between your userid and person_name for other purposes is not the same relation as the userid and person_name used by MS Exchange. Due to the sensitive and legal significance of email, change orders of that nature may require a higher level of authorization. I know of several cases where workers had more than one ID because of 'glitches' that could not be reversed.

I am certainly unqualified to say anything about your dysphoria, and would never attempt to invalidate your feelings. I am, though somewhat qualified to say that recent photos you've chosen to post show an attractive woman, far better looking than the "mug shots" of most women I've seen in corporate directories.

Best wishes
MsVal

[flatlander_48]

My company is very small. But even for large companies, IMO, login names should not be imbued with any meaning. They should be treated as opaque tokens. Any large organization will have a directory that's searchable by many other fields. Yes, it makes it harder to guess that Jane Smith's email address is [email protected]... but you also avoid problems such as a steamy love letter intended for jane.smith.3 going to jane.smith.13 instead. :)

In many situations there isn't a choice. We have a significant number of employees in China, Taiwan and Korea. We do family name followed by initials. It has been like that since the VAX days (and yes, I was a card-carrying member of DECUS back in the day). The only difference was that then it was initials followed by family name. There are many with the famliy names of Lin, Chen, Chang, Kim, Li, Lee, etc. There is no way you can get away from having an additional qualifier, such as including a number. It's just how it is. But, technically a steamy love letter is outside of the scope for which the systems are intended to be used, but that's not to say the other legitimate sensitive material hasn't been sent to the wrong address.

DeeAnn

[PaulaQ]

As fascinating as I think the IT considerations are regarding the technical process of changing name, I think the main issues with my company can be summarized as follows:
1. They assumed, without ever asking me, that this would be handled just like a woman who's last name changes due to marriage or divorce.
2. And, when they found out it wasn't, they threw the problem back at me, hoping I'd solve it for them.
3. Their execution was thus: READY! ... FIRE! ... AIM! ...

I told them about this months in advance. I asked them specifically about the technical issues they now complain about. They just didn't bother to plan for this, which tells me a lot about where I rate there.

I'm feeling better today. I do intend to make it very clear to my HR contact that their graceless and disrespectful handling of my transition made me feel dysphoric enough to have suicidal thoughts for the first time in over a year. They just freaking outed me with no explanation, and now I get to deal with it.

I'm over being depressed about this. I'm just angry now.

[flatlander_48]

I'm over being depressed about this. I'm just angry now.

...and thus begins Action.

DeeAnn

[Jorja]

Well Paula, do you know the best time to look for a new job? When you have one! If you feel your company has screwed you over, go find a new job before leaving a good job.

[PaulaQ]

If you feel your company has screwed you over, go find a new job before leaving a good job.

Roger that. I don't know that "screwed over" is really the right term. They handled this gracelessly, and blundered it badly, from my perspective. It's a mess, and I am angry about it. I don't think they did it on purpose, to try to induce me to leave. If I had that sense, I'd have no choice but to find anything and get out as fast as I could. (And as I look around for other opportunities, if I get that sense, I'll be a whole lot more urgent, and a whole lot less picky, about what I take as an alternative.)

I'm really hoping to hang in here until next February, get my surgery, and then move on. I'll start looking in the meantime though. Because you are right Jorja, it's much easier to find a job when you already have one. And I have documents now with the all important letter "F" on them.

If I'm over it, maybe I'll stay here post-op. If I'm still angry about this, and I may be, because they really blundered this, and I really am not expecting them to do too much for me to fix it, I'll move on. I'll start the process now though. I think it'll take a while.

In some ways, leaving will likely be a hard choice, because relocation, will mean either:
1. I separate from my boyfriend, which would really suck. I do NOT want to do that.
2. We stay together, and he relocates with me. He'd have to start a new career. He's a cop, and he's at an age where if he leaves where he's at, he's done. And he's OK with that, because he doesn't want to carry a gun anymore anyway. But he'll need to find something to do.

It's possible I'll find something else local - but there aren't any places I'm aware of that do the type of work I do. The last one I knew of was put under by the place where I work now, which is in California. Maybe I can find another gig that's remote. Probably I'll also need to somewhat change the type of software development I do.

So I guess we'll see what I can find, and what happens.

[PaulaQ]

Update. My meeting with my HR contact went well. She was unsure why the process of my transition at work had gone so badly, it wasn't the first time they'd dealt with this, although there really haven't been many of us here. I offered to help them fine tune their process, as obviously it went rather wrong for me. She was nice, wanted to make sure I was doing OK, that I had support.

It was apparently an effective meeting, as I noticed the same day my display name under email showed my new name. I got a call yesterday, from someone in IT, and they started the process of changing my login ID's. It's all a mess right now, but at least it's started. For all of IT's complaints about the difficulties of doing all of this, it doesn't seem to have taken very long.

[Jorja]

Magic happens when you put your foot up someones ass.;)

[LeaP]

Jorja's last response deserves to be in someone's signature line. Takers?

And I'm DEFINITELY using it at work today!

[Judith96a]

Paula,
Are you sure that you can't change your name within Outlook yourself? You won't be able to change what's in the Active Directory - IT will have to do that, but what you send as your "From" address (e.g. the "joe Bloggs" bit of "Joe Bloggs <[email protected]>") comes from the Name field on the first page of your account details as YOU set it up in Outlook. Now it may be that IT have locked that down BUT the way that we have Outlook / Exchange deployed it is changeable by the user - a 30 second operation. It's worth a try!

[flatlander_48]

She was unsure why the process of my transition at work had gone so badly, it wasn't the first time they'd dealt with this,
For all of IT's complaints about the difficulties of doing all of this, it doesn't seem to have taken very long.

Is it just me or is there an inconsistency between those 2 statements? There's something not quite right there. It doesn't make any difference whether it is neglect, laziness or actual prejudice. The result is the same...

DeeAnn

[Kris Avery]

Paula you obviously woke a sleeping giant (finally) now that names have finally started updating.
Watch out for falling coconuts when you shake the trees though.

[Rianna Humble]

She was unsure why the process of my transition at work had gone so badly, it wasn't the first time they'd dealt with this,
For all of IT's complaints about the difficulties of doing all of this, it doesn't seem to have taken very long.

Is it just me or is there an inconsistency between those 2 statements? There's something not quite right there. It doesn't make any difference whether it is neglect, laziness or actual prejudice. The result is the same...

I don't see any inconsistency. The HR lady thought everything was in hand and when informed of the problems was unsure of why the process had gone wrong. Corporate IT did what corporate IT departments do the world over, they bitched about the supposed difficulties until they were forced to get on with the job. When they finally got onto the job it didn't take long.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Update. My meeting with my HR contact went well.

It was apparently an effective meeting, as I noticed the same day my display name under email showed my new name. I got a call yesterday, from someone in IT, and they started the process of changing my login ID's. It's all a mess right now, but at least it's started. For all of IT's complaints about the difficulties of doing all of this, it doesn't seem to have taken very long.

A-right! HR lit a fire under some lazy IT person's rear end. And was said, this sort of thing doesn't usually take long. They can script that up, at least on 'nixes


Magic happens when you put your foot up someones ass.;)

Indeed.

Veronica

[PaulaQ]

Well, it'll be interesting to see where this goes. Maybe my company will be a very good place for an out trans woman to work. Maybe it won't be. We'll see. I will say, just given the general population, there should be at least 25 of us here or so. And perhaps there are some who are stealth. But I don't get the impression that there are many trans* here.

Hopefully that isn't a bad sign.

[flatlander_48]

I don't see any inconsistency. The HR lady thought everything was in hand and when informed of the problems was unsure of why the process had gone wrong. Corporate IT did what corporate IT departments do the world over, they bitched about the supposed difficulties until they were forced to get on with the job. When they finally got onto the job it didn't take long.

Yes, there is. It wasn't the first time they did this, yet the IT people complained about doing it. Then, if it was do difficult, why did it not take very long once a fire was set under them? It made more sense WITH the bolding.

DeeAnn

[PretzelGirl]

Jorja's last response deserves to be in someone's signature line. Takers?

Why would anyone do that? :heehee:

Glad to hear it is changing now Paula. I would have a list of everything you believe should be happening and in two days, recontact HR with what isn't done so they shake the bushes a little more. I would think it could be done correctly so that it is a joint checklist.

[donnalee]

Magic happens when you put your foot up someones ass.;)Here i am laying in bed trying hard not to wake my SO (we met 2 weeks ago and I found out there is such a thing as love at 1st sight! More later.) and you come up with this! I couldn't laugh aloud for fear of waking her, but the bed kept shaking and I probably woke her anyway. That's such a classic that it should be the basis of a movie or a play. Is it yours or did it fall off the back of a truck?

@ Paula:
Yes, you were being screwed with. In any group of 3 ore more people, there is politics; the larger the group gets, the more politics are involved. For people who want to climb the corporate ladder, the first rule is "You get up the ladder by sucking up to the people who can put you there.!"
Of course, those who aspire to these positions aren't the most competent at the ones they now hold and hope to get on to something else before they're found out."One rises to their level of incompetance." - The Peter Principle
The 2nd is "Seize as much power as you can when you can and hold it so tight the eagle screams!". No bureaucrat or politico is willing to cede anything to anyone no matter how much sense it makes or how necessary it may be to accomplish their "mission". If you doubt this, see "9/11" and "interoperability" (still a very bad joke).
This applies to any kind of organization; business, governmental, political, service, even charitable; any organization and is why you can't get what you want when you need it.

[Jorja]

@donnalea - Glad I could add to your bedroom fun! ;)

[STACY B]

I have Danced around this thread for a while ,,lol,,, Just thinking what to write . Because I couldn't really relate to it ,,, Not becuase I didn't understand it ,, But because of the contents . Transitioning on the Job ,,, WOW !! Job ? Like being around other people JOB ? Going to work everyday Job ? Same people that knew the Old you ?

Interacted with you ,, An with all the Jobs I have had in the past it was just Mind Boggling to me to even let myself consider it in any way shape or form . Don't get me wrong I do understand the question . But take into consideration that all jobs are different an I just could NEVER Fathom a transition at work much less wrap my head around it .

I thought that all the transitioning folk were pretty Dam Tough ,, But I had always thought the ones that Transition in place at work were the Toughest ! Now that's Guts ,, An not to mention all the Crap you have to put up with just doing this ,,, But doing it with no were to RUN away ,,, LORDY,,LORDY,,,

Fight or Flee ,, Most will take Flee ,, But not you ,, The elite ,, The exception ,, Talk about a stand out ,, I only thought this transition was Bad ? I thought I had it Tough ? To get up Every morning an go down there day after day night after night an start over again an again day in day out !! I couldn't imagine how you feel ? An with all the complication with Names an some as simple as paper work that would make it so much easier than it is ? People just have no clue . Maybe we will live long enough to see it be accepted as normal ? MAYBE !!

But I tell you what ,, My hat is off to you Lady's that do it . No way this CHICKEN COULD ,, I just hope there is a light at the end of all this so you can live in peace an quiet an just get on with your life from now on !

[PaulaQ]

Transitioning on the Job ,,, WOW !! Job ? Like being around other people JOB ? Going to work everyday Job ? Same people that knew the Old you ?


I work remotely, telecommuting. This allowed me a lot of flexibility in my early transition - basically I didn't have to come out to work until I was ready to do so, although I did that over a year ago, and told my management that I'd transition. I informed my immediate coworkers about it a few months back. If I went to the office every day, I'd have had to told them what I was doing at least 18 months ago, and start my transition on the job at that point. Which would've been not wonderful, since I'd just started HRT at that point, had no electrolysis, and looked pretty bad. Still, I couldn't hack boy-mode anymore. So if I'd had to do it, I would've.

I guess you could argue that since I don't see these folks face to face on a daily basis, I haven't really had to experience transition on the job. I would have to disagree with that, but there is no doubt that in many ways my situation is certainly a lot easier to deal with than what many of us have to experience on the job. I'm lucky and so far, I've gotten off easy on this one - there is no question about that. If I had to face them in person though, I would. I can tell you that some people who used to talk to me at work on the phone regularly simply don't anymore, once I'd come out to them.

As it is, it was pretty big news when the word got around after I came out to my coworkers. I've been with the company for 15 years, from the time it was waaaaay smaller. (I'm employee #666 - there are over 8000 employees now.)

Look, at some point, and on some level, just about all of us are going to have to face this. Most of us, except those fortunate enough to be retired, are going to have to hold down some kind of a job. That's just how it goes.

The main reason I told this story, other than it really did upset me greatly at the time it happened, was just to show how things can go wrong, even if you are in a situation like I am - working for a high tech, relatively progressive company, in a situation where the face-to-face social consequences of transition on the job are minimized. I'd still consider myself to be quite lucky in my transition so far, at least as long as I am able to keep this job. I know that most face much more serious on the job problems than I ever will.

I'm actually on my new userid now. I can't actually read, modify, or log anything in our bug database at the moment under either my new or my old ID. Hopefully they get that fixed soon...

[PretzelGirl]

Stacy, you say you couldn't do it. I say it is in the same category as the transition itself. Some people want to say how brave we are and we come back saying it isn't being brave but doing what has to be done. Sometimes, the transition has to be done with the same job. I don't have other options with the same income level. I don't even want to leave because I like what I do. So it is just like the "brave" of transition where we just have to do it to maintain our income level (or any level for that matter). Mine turned out exceptionally well. Other friends of mine didn't last long after. It is a mixed bag. We just passed a non-discrimination law for employment here and chased it through the House and Senate. Not because I felt I needed it, but because there are many that do. No, I don't go with the bravery, but it is what we have to do.

[Leah Lynn]

It is a scary proposition, but it's what I plan to do. I'm sure that most of the crew will be supporting, in their offhanded, smartalecky ways. They already know that "something" is going on with me, so why not let them in on it? Anyone that knows me, knows I'm crazy enough to do it.

Leah

[Dianne S]

I have to transition on the job. I own my own company so I have very little choice.

So far, only my business partner knows about Dianne (and has met me that way.) The rest of the company will find out in 6-12 months or so.

Back to Paula: I'm glad things finally worked out for you.

[Eringirl]

I too have to transition at my current employer, but that also won't be for about a year. Probably May of 2016. But that is okay with me. I like my job, love the people I work with and we have a really solid TG bill of rights and active/supportive human rights office within our HR department. I met with them for the first time last month to keep them in the loop and begin the process. Like others have stated, I really don't have a choice. I could change jobs to another company (there is an offer on the table) and start fresh, but it would be contract work with no job security (TG not an issue - just it would be contract to contract as they add more clients - so if no new clients, no work), and no benefits. So not really an option. Here I have great health benefits and super pension and I have a long time vested here. So I can't really afford to move, not at my age.

Overall, I think it will be fine, but I know that I will loose some friends and others will rally around me. As long as I can do my job and be treated with respect, I am good to go. Like Leah, the people in my immediate office (7 out of 8 of them are women) know something is going on, so they won't be surprised. These are not dumb people, so I am sure it will all make perfect sense when I transition at work.

Erin

[flatlander_48]

the people in my immediate office (7 out of 8 of them are women) know something is going on, so they won't be surprised. These are not dumb people, so I am sure it will all make perfect sense when I transition at work.

E:

As Bruce Jenner has been very prominent in the popular press (and assuming it is similar in Canada), I wonder if that may have the effect of raising awareness? As you said, they are not dumb people, so I wonder if they might get it figured out before you actually tell them?

[PretzelGirl]

I would say, never over estimate everyone's ability to not put two and two together. Not that it may not happen, but I grew my hair, pierced my ears, lost a lot of weight, laser/electrolysis, and even had gel nails for a while. Everyone thought I was feeling my inner hippie or just didn't care. What it totally comes down to is people care for and/or respect you so they take you as you are. Which is also a good sign for the future.

[Krisi]

I doubt it's any sort of conspiracy, it's the difficulty of changing your ID without losing records of what you have done previously. A better plan would have been (it's too late now) to assign a random number to each employee. That way name or other changes are irrelevant.

I had a boss overrule me on this when setting up a system and a few employees objected to the IDs they were assigned. My boss's boss sided with them and I had to manually change everything they had done connected to their original IDs. It took a lot of extra work.

[Eringirl]

DeeAnn, oh yeah....you can't go to any grocery store here without seeing Jenner's face on some tabloid. So it probably is bringing those thoughts out in folks.

As for my email/login in ids etc, I am fortunate in that they don't have to change as our email nomenclature is first initial last [email protected]. As I am keeping my last name and my male name has the first initial as Erin, that does not have to change, so happy accident for me!!

[lingerieLiz]

Easy way to find out if your name can be changed is to find out if they change women's names when they marry and take their husband's name. It they can change a just married, then they can change yours.

Now the other explanation. I have seen systems that were not designed correctly that once you were entered it remained that way forever. You may be working for such a company. There are a lot of ramifications when trying to change these systems and some can be very complex. For instance when people can search for your name to see your publication or work product. Another thing can be that the company purchased the system and the IT team really doesn't have the skill to change things. I don't know how big a company you work for but even the biggest companies don't always know how to do some things.

[PaulaQ]

An update on this. I shamed them into changing my login ID's, and within a couple of weeks of not being able to do a number of daily tasks because I couldn't log into anything, I'm finally more or less up to speed. I'm sure I'll continue to find weird little things from time to time, but the worst of them seem to be behind me.

I think I'll be the token out trans here. They'll probably (at least I hope they follow through on this), ask me advice on how to improve the process. I'm hoping they'll let me do some education on trans 101 for some of the management, or at least for HR. We'll see.

I did come out to a senior executive who I knew from years and years ago, to try to convince the company to support a diversity program here in Texas. (We need all the help we can get here.) They agreed to do that.

So where things are:
- I still have a job
- I can do my job
- I'm out - sorta. I have to just come out to people as they try to contact me. Hopefully some word of that gets back to me, because right now, if you want to try to figure out the relationship between the old me and the new me, you are going to have a tough time of it. So for all intents and purposes, it's like old me quit the company, with no notice. So I'll be explaining things for a while. I have some ideas on how they could've improved this, we'll see if they follow up on them.
- People are being professional to me. I expected no less.
- My old friends, who used to chat with me, no longer do so. I suspect they are no longer my friends. But they'll deal with me professionally, if they have to. Sucks, but that's been sort of my experience with all my old friends, not just ones here.

I'm hopeful that my visibility will be useful, purposeful, and help the next person who transitions on the job here. Personally, I hate, quite a lot, being so visible, but I don't see much alternative. I've been here 15 years, and lots of people know me. So that's just how it is, and so perhaps I'll be able to advocate for others, so that their process is smoother.

[flatlander_48]

An update on this. I shamed them into changing my login ID's, and within a couple of weeks of not being able to do a number of daily tasks because I couldn't log into anything, I'm finally more or less up to speed. I'm sure I'll continue to find weird little things from time to time, but the worst of them seem to be behind me.

That's a positive thing! It may seem like it is overdue, and it probably is, but at least there has been some progress.


I think I'll be the token out trans here.

I am familiar with the concept. It is never a pleasant circumstance.


They'll probably (at least I hope they follow through on this), ask me advice on how to improve the process. I'm hoping they'll let me do some education on trans 101 for some of the management, or at least for HR. We'll see.

Funny thing about process. The company I work for is distinctly process and data driven. There is NO question about this, yet some people continually lament that they cannot find good (fill in the minority group of your choice: women, ethnic minorities, L's & G's, etc. etc.) candidates. They suspend the concept of process which would lead one to think about the goal, strategize on possible ways to get there and ultimately develop a plan. It's is a lot easier to say they can't do this or that. I would never be one to say that a process should be blindly followed as it should have a certain degree of flexibility to deal with uncommon situations. But, the thing is, how would you know that you need to figure out how to handle an exception if you have nothing that defines the commonplace? I do hope that there would be enough interest to seek your help in understanding how and why stuff rolled off the table, but I would view it as a real question mark.


I did come out to a senior executive who I knew from years and years ago, to try to convince the company to support a diversity program here in Texas. (We need all the help we can get here.) They agreed to do that.

- People are being professional to me. I expected no less.
- My old friends, who used to chat with me, no longer do so. I suspect they are no longer my friends. But they'll deal with me professionally, if they have to. Sucks, but that's been sort of my experience with all my old friends, not just ones here.

I would like to think that people are a bit in shock and don't quite know what to do or say. They probably have not had to process how to deal with someone who is transitioning. Hopefully some of them will come around after the New wears off.


I'm hopeful that my visibility will be useful, purposeful, and help the next person who transitions on the job here. Personally, I hate, quite a lot, being so visible, but I don't see much alternative. I've been here 15 years, and lots of people know me. So that's just how it is, and so perhaps I'll be able to advocate for others, so that their process is smoother.

Yes, that's the thing. The situation is what it is. I can see the logic behind a clean break and going somewhere else, but the reality would be that you wouldn't know for sure if you would be walking into a good environment or a questionable one. From a philospohical standpoint, I think we must recognize that we are all beneficiaries of what started at Stonewall. If at all possible, we should contribute to moving that wheelbarrow down the road a bit further. That is not to say it is an easy and simple thing to do. Actually, usually it is just the opposite. It is hard and complicated and often the only fuel available is blind faith. Cold comfort I know, but it is the best that we can do.

DeeAnn

[kimdl93]

Well, those coworkers who have seemingly fallen from the friends list may learn a good deal from the continuing experience of working with you on a professional basis.

[Jorja]

Keep it professional and treat people the way you would like to be treated. Give it some time and I think you will win over many who are not sure right now. Also, keep one eye on your six because there are those who will try to take you out job wise.

[Peggie Lee]

Just a comment, I transitioned at work 1 year ago, some deal with me on a professional level but will not even look at me sitting across from them in the break room. These were the men that view women as sex objects and looking at me it challenges their own sexuality and they can't deal with it. It also seems that men with daughters don't really have any problems dealing with me. This just a general observation on my part.

[PaulaQ]

Yes, that's the thing. The situation is what it is. I can see the logic behind a clean break and going somewhere else, but the reality would be that you wouldn't know for sure if you would be walking into a good environment or a questionable one.

Actually, tempting as it is to make a clean break, the reason I probably will not do that is fairly simple - I don't think I'd get what I want.

What I want is just to be treated like a woman - a regular woman. Not something special and qualified - a "trans woman."

Unfortunately, the reality of the situation seems to be that I'm like the Replicants in Blade Runner - a being with no actual history, just the horrible realization that none of the stuff I remember is "real". I have these memories - but they make no sense in my current life.

So while I'd like to be just like everyone else, that simply isn't going to happen, because I'm not like everyone else. Women my age should be able to reminisce about their past work, their family, their lives, their loves. I can talk about all that stuff, but it isn't relatable to most people.

I could make up stories to fit in better, hiding what I am. But I already know that life - no thanks.

So instead I'll live on as I am - most comfortable surrounded by strangers who don't know me, and thus see me as what I wish to be. Meanwhile those close to me are mostly unable to understand me - what I'm going through is beyond their experience.

It seems difficult to escape feeling alienated. I'm happiest and most comfortable when no one knows me, and least comfortable with friends, such as I have.

I'll carry on and try to help those who come after me. Even if I don't get what I want, I'll at least serve some purpose. Because as poor as I think my choices are, the fact is, I'm LUCKY to have them. Most of us don't

[Karen62]

Paula, I suggest you can find what you want outside of Texas. There are friendlier places for you to be. Why don't you move up to the Seattle area and get a job with my company? We can be the tokens together. :doh:

While I can't be certain about your situation, I'd imagine that many of the people who now do not speak to you are less about passing judgment than just not knowing what to say. These are experiences many people have who have suffered some traumatic news, such as a spouse dying, or getting diagnosed with cancer, or something like that, suffer. Work colleagues, who are less socially connected to you, are generally so afraid of saying anything stupid, insensitive, or potentially hurtful that they choose to actively remain quiet as the best alternative. And as a result, those who are suffering are embraced by the horrible big chill of the best-intended silence.

Karen

[flatlander_48]

I could make up stories to fit in better, hiding what I am. But I already know that life - no thanks.

If you ever get tempted to do that, we'll have to mount a posse, come down there and pummel you with our purses. Oh, no. Can't let that happen to a member of The Tribe.

DeeAnn

[Erika Lyne]

It seems difficult to escape feeling alienated. I'm happiest and most comfortable when no one knows me, and least comfortable with friends, such as I have.



You've been strong so many times for so many of us. Let us be your friend to be comfortable with. I know many of us look up to you for being as brave as you are, as strong as you have been and have been a pillar in your journey. Let us be there for you.

-E

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone.

I did a brief interview with some PR people from work today about our support for a local equality and diversity cause here in my state. I think they'll put it up on our employee website, maybe release part of it as part of a press release. The writer thought my story was inspiring, and that I should write a book. Lol! :rofl: I told her my story was typical, has been told 1000 times already, and to just watch "Transparent" on Amazon!

So look, I'm not talking about somehow hiding, going backwards, or anything like that. It would be more along the lines of going stealth. But there's no point in that while I have my job, and am involved in the local community.

But really, here's my dilemma - if I don't want people to know about me, I just have to keep them at a distance, not talking about myself. I did this for years to hide my transness. I didn't want them to look too closely, so I held back. I can do that again, although at a certain point it's hard to be close to someone if you never share your past. The thing is, that's what I do now - nobody wants to hear about my past life. And it isn't that I want to talk about it all the time, but it's weird having no past.

I also find that most cisgender people have absolutely no idea, and no ability to relate to the things I'm involved in now. So I find I don't have much to talk about anyway with most people. My job is incomprehensible, I have no hobbies, really, all I do is gender related stuff, volunteer stuff, and political stuff (a little). Nobody wants to hear about any of it, so I don't end up with much to talk about. I find I self-censor a lot.

So I make a spectacle out of myself for the sake of public awareness, because if nobody is really gonna connect with me well, I may as well be useful.

The irony is that as a child, I had repetitive nightmares about being a circus freak. Yet here I am - at least that's what it feels like sometimes.

[Jorja]

But really, here's my dilemma - if I don't want people to know about me, I just have to keep them at a distance, not talking about myself. I did this for years to hide my transness. I didn't want them to look too closely, so I held back. I can do that again, although at a certain point it's hard to be close to someone if you never share your past. The thing is, that's what I do now - nobody wants to hear about my past life. And it isn't that I want to talk about it all the time, but it's weird having no past.

You do have a past. It might take a little creative thinking but you can use your experiences and lessons from your life to share with others. I have done that for years. I do NOT make up stories. I tell the truth but I might have to femme it up just a little. If I have no experience with a subject I will ask a lot of questions.

[becky77]

I get the sense you are very much apart of the trans community, it's going to be hard to go stealth while that is the case.
Apart from a couple of forums, I have no other interaction with trans people.
If I'm at work and someone asks about my weekend, there is no need to be evasive I just tell it how it is, my conversations have nothing relating to my gender issues. And if it's about past as Jorja said, you tell the truth but omit the gender related bits.

You either need to leave the trans community behind and take your place in the world as a woman, or embrace being trans but accept you will always be seen as different.

[PaulaQ]

I do NOT make up stories. I tell the truth but I might have to femme it up just a little.


If I'm at work and someone asks about my weekend, there is no need to be evasive I just tell it how it is, my conversations have nothing relating to my gender issues. And if it's about past as Jorja said, you tell the truth but omit the gender related bits.

Yeah, current events mostly aren't the problem - my boyfriend and I went to an art festival this weekend. We walked all around, I bought some handmade jewelry, and we ate food that was bad for us.

However, here's the stuff I'm not sure what to do about:
1. My children. They are adults. How they got here, without mentioning gender, is a tricky subject without telling pretty substantial lies.

2. My two marriages to women. I could probably handle this if I identified as lesbian - uh maybe, since gay marriage existed nowhere 27 years ago... But it is hard to assert "I'm straight!" and then talk about my marriages. (Let's not side track this with a discussion of orientation. I hated being in relationships with women, and I'd never do it again. But saying "I'm bisexual!" - which I'm not - doesn't help either, because I couldn't have married another woman back then.)

3. My job - I've been there 15 years. There is no stealth there.


You either need to leave the trans community behind and take your place in the world as a woman, or embrace being trans but accept you will always be seen as different.

Yeah, that is a sizeable problem, and a big part of the dilemma. I like helping other transgender people. I'm good at it. I feel a certain sense of obligation, because I am fortunate and in a position to help while others often aren't. If there hadn't been someone to help me early on, I'd be dead.

On the other hand, the further I go the more I find that I *hate* being so visible. I also hate being a "trans woman." I don't deny such a term describes something about me, but I'm really just a woman.

I definitely don't want to have to think about what I've told people, or how I've related certain stories. That's been my life up until now. Still, I don't want to live in the protective bubble of the trans community. I'm tired, though, of being open and really honest about myself for the first time in my life, and having that result in dealing with a bunch of people who "other" me.

[becky77]

I would say I have been maried before and leave it at that, if someone asks more just say it's not good memories and you don't like to talk about it. Perhaps you are too open with everyone?
I often find it odd people want to talk about ex's and drag up the past, but that's just me.


You have helped people, but there comes a time when you need to do what's right for you.

[PaulaQ]

I would say I have been maried before and leave it at that, if someone asks more just say it's not good memories and you don't like to talk about it.

Well, the walking, talking reminders of the past, my children, are always going to present a wrinkle. I can't control what they say or do, and when they show up, they will beg questions.


Perhaps you are too open with everyone?

Well, that is certainly a problem, yes. The first 50 years of my life was spent hiding this horrible secret - I'm a woman! :eek: In my family of origin, women were viewed as being vastly inferior to men. As a child, in church, we learned that we were built from underutilized anatomy of the first man. Men needed to be paid more, because they had families to support - this was a hard thing for my single mother to hear. Really, if it weren't for heterosexuality, I'd think they'd have eliminated women long ago! ;)

Anyway, I hid. Oh my goodness did I.

I hated that life. I never quite let people really know me. I always held back this one thing about myself. I felt alienated and alone. So when I started my transition, I thought I'd try something bold and different - I'd be honest and upfront with everyone. I'd lay my cards on the table - challenging people to accept me. If they couldn't deal with my transness, I was better off without them! I'd be a role model for my community, I'd be visible, just like all my gay and lesbian friends encouraged me to be.

Well, after 18 months of this, I have reached the conclusion that this was not a successful endeavor. I have almost no cisgender friends. And the ones who are my friends, as wonderful as they are, also "other" me. They don't mean it, and they do it in the nicest possible way - "oh you are so brave for doing what you are doing! I admire you so much!"

The thing is, I don't want to be a "poster child." I just want a life and some friends.

So it turns out that so far, I'm rejected just about 100% of the time. Most people are actually very nice to me. But once they know I'm trans, the relationship changes. I can see this very clearly. In a lot of ways, its very similar to the way people have dealt with my handicap - I'm just not like they are, "I'm so brave, you'd never know they were handicapped the way I act, etc." - all of the same shit I hear now.

The thing is, I could find people who didn't give a damn about my handicap, and indeed didn't even really notice it, only acknowledging it, with some surprise, when they encountered the occasional thing I couldn't physically do.

I haven't met anyone who views my transness that way. Really, not a one. My carefully chosen friends who didn't think of me as "a handicapped person" - just "a person," surely such people would be open minded about my being trans, right? Well no, it turns out. Really not a one of them. That was a bad surprise.

So the bottom line, really, is that even rather open-minded people simply don't accept me as just a woman once they know I'm trans. I'm something else. This has depressed me quite a bit, I mean, what's the point of an open and authentic life if it is lived with people who don't treat you as if you are a human being, just like they are? If the relationships with them feel anything but authentic?



You have helped people, but there comes a time when you need to do what's right for you.

Yes, well there's the rub. I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, really as all of us are. (At least ones lucky enough to get a choice - not all of us do, and perhaps I am fooling myself in that regard.)

I can be open, authentic, and honest in ways I've never been before. But I'll be lonely. 0.3% of the population have the potential to be real friends - the trans community. I'm sure there are some in the cis community who'd be blind to my transness, even if they knew, but apparently in my generation at least, that's incredibly rare.

Or, I can go back to hiding stuff about me. Omitting certain details and slightly modifying certain parts of my narrative as I talk with people. And they'll be friends. Except they'll never really know me. I know this life well - except at least this time I'd get to (mostly) be myself, rather than be what others demanded I be.

Anyway, there is no point in being depressed about this. It simply is what it is. And I'm not ready to go stealth tomorrow. I have more work to do - my voice, my face, SRS, I'm 18 months - 2 years from being able to pull it off 100% without being read. And maybe I never really get there - that remains to be seen.

One of the things that is very telling, that I think my gay and lesbian friends don't understand is that when gay and lesbian people come out, their suicide rate drops markedly. For trans people, it in fact increases.

I can certainly say that I'd never realized how much of a sacrifice it would be to be as out as I am. I'm not saying I won't keep doing it, but it feels like I am fighting in war, not living a life most of the time. A war that won't end during my lifetime.

I hate this life. At least I like myself now, though. There is that.

[PaulaQ]

OK, back on target. I got my company to join this organization dedicated to workplace diversity here in Texas:
Texas Competes (http://www.texascompetes.org/support.html)

They interviewed me at work, and posted something about our joining this initiative on our internal company website:


Valuing Equality: NVIDIA Signs Texas Competes Pledge
As part of our commitment to a fair workplace, NVIDIA signed the Texas Competes pledge, which supports lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) workplace equality.

With regional offices in Austin and Richardson, NVIDIA is exposed to changes in laws that may affect fair treatment for gay and transgender people in the state of Texas. Texas Competes is a partnership of business leaders committed to a Texas that is economically vibrant and welcoming of all people.

NVIDIA’s efforts to improve policies and benefits for LGBT employees were recognized in the 2015 Corporate Equality Index. These include broadening the definition of a spouse, adding life insurance, and updating bereavement polices to include same sex spouses and domestic partners. We’ve also added transgender medical benefits to our healthcare coverage.

And our Equal Employment Opportunity policy contains specific language in support of sexual orientation, gender identity and expression.

“Discrimination against LGBT is just flat-out bad for business,” said Paula Ellis, a Dallas-based software engineer in our graphics division. Paula, a 15-year NVIDIA veteran, is a transgender woman. “We are a company of the future, and that means supporting diversity and all kinds of people.”


They shortened this quite a bit - I was interviewed for about half an hour, and they really had a bunch more quotes from me, but this is what survived the editing process. Still, I'm happy I was able to convince them to join in on the fight for workplace equality in Texas. We have a couple of large offices here, so it made sense to join. I was able to convince our HR and legal department that it made sense for our company to help make the case to the state of Texas that they don't want to go the way of Indiana. (I'll go down to Austin in a couple of weeks to lobby about some of these issues, too - there are a bunch of anti-trans bills in the legislature this session.)

[Eringirl]

NICE. !! Good for you. A very professional and supportive statement of your company and LGBT rights. Hope it continues to go well. Thanks for taking this on.

Erin

[flatlander_48]

PQ:

Do you know about the Out & Equal Workplace Summit? Check here:

http://www.outandequal.org

It is in Dallas this year and is a tremendous conference. I went in 2009 and many in our LGBT affinity group have gone over the years. A few years back our former CTO was the keynote speaker for one of the breakfast gatherings and a number of our HR folks have also attended. It's worthwhile I think because it brings together people from every corner of the LGBT spectrum and allies. There are lots of meet & greets and MANY useful workshops, panel discussions and benchmarking of what's going on in other companies, government agencies and NFP's. The timing and location might be very significant for what's happening/not happening at your workplace. It can also be very beneficial for straight folks to see LGBT folks just being regular people. There's a lot of crap in the stereotypes that exist and this is a good way to contradict that.

Anyway, I wish I was going, but I don't think I will get the chance due to work commitments.

DeeAnn

I almost forgot: my employer was one of the 379 organizations that joined the Amicus Brief for same-sex marriage last month!! It was the first time that they have done something like this.

Progress, slow, but progress nonetheless...

[karenpayneoregon]

Sorry to hear you have to go through this. What I did was approach my manager about coming out and that I did not want anyone to know yet and that I had an appointment with HR. In my initial meeting I indicated my timeline and not to do anything public until that date. According to my plans, one week after returning home I went into work and started the process for my new badge and insurance. At this time they said in one week (and I would not be back for another five weeks) my name would be changed and email address. Once back at work the only thing that was not changed was my core email address i.e. [email protected] but my viewable email address was [email protected]. I asked why and they said if you want we can but it will screw up a lot as I am a developer with many ties to various groups. I opted to leave well enough alone and has not been an issue as when someone gets an email from me it says Karen Payne with the underlying [email protected] while external entities see [email protected].

Caveat, I work for the state of Oregon where they are sensitive to LGBT community and will and do bend over backwards for these types of situations. It could had been very different for me living in another state and for a private company so I lucked out per-say.