I was asked a question I wasn't prepared to answer out loud

[LookingGlass]

I don't know if my Out Loud Voice failed me or protected me tonight, but it was guilty of something.

So, the ex invited me over for some food tonight, and being hungry and not wanting to cook, I agreed. We are on good terms and still asks me if I'm going to cut her out of my life. I told her no because she is still the best friend I have right now. She was visibly pleased. I have to give her credit; she has been very supportive. In the course of talking tonight and, well, I think we were coming to grips with some issues between us, it happened.

We started talking about "Danielle" and she said she actually likes Danielle more right now because I seem happier in that mode and we get our friendship back. Then she innocently and curiously asked what I would want for myself if no social anxieties or other factors like that existed, and I froze up and shrugged. I sensed no malice and agenda behind her question, but I was so taken aback by it. She tends to get me with those questions. I suspect part of her thought of my answer would really be because I know I caught a bubble in my throat that felt an awful lot like I was about to say, "I would live as a woman full time and transition."

So instead, I am posting that reply on the Internet... makes sense. At least I had a successful shopping weekend.

Dani G!

[Krististeph]

It's hard to really come out and say it, if you have not done so before, isn't it? My wife would not like me dressing full time, and so that's out. And I do not mention it either, although i think she knows.

[LookingGlass]

I've considered calling another best friend of mine that still lives in my home town. She knows about the crossdressing but this particular subject she doesn't. She's a pretty open-minded spirit, so it would probably be okay, but you never know and I don't exactly keep a large cache of friends in general.

[PaulaQ]

"I would live as a woman full time and transition."

So why don't you?

[LookingGlass]

Okay, now that question I don't have a good answer for, to be honest.

[charlenesomeone]

There are rationalizations and there are true deep down answers. Once the question to Dani is answered by anyone, then Paula's question would naturally follow.
The original question said without social and "other" factors, so that makes a big difference.

[PaulaQ]

The original question said without social and "other" factors, so that makes a big difference.

If your identity is important to you, if you can't live a lie anymore, then I disagree - none of those other considerations matter. Yes, awful things may happen, or wonderful things, or usually both. But no matter which choice you make, you have to understand that if this is your reality, then the deck was stacked against you from birth. Either choice you make can have horrible consequences.

My belief is that regardless of consequences, being true to yourself is the correct choice. Any other choice, to my mind, leads to a life not worth living.

So the question remains: Do you take the red pill, or the blue one?

[Marcelle]

Hi Dani,

Just curious . . . have you sought the help of a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues? This question crept up early in my dressing, specifically am I TS or CD and this is an area my therapist explored in great detail. She kind of asked me the same question (albeit a bit more strategically placed during a session), we talked about it and while we don't agree on every point we have reached an accord. While my knee jerk reaction was "I think I should transition", we discovered over the last year and half, that while I may have wandered down the TG pathway a bit further right than a CDer, I will most likely not transition. I have some body issues consistent with TS folks (despise my body hair, removal of facial hair) but then again I also enjoy aspects of being a guy as a guy and not a girl. So even though I thought perhaps TS that is not the case and I have found balance of sorts between the two gender presentations (40% female / 60% male) and I know I am TG (somewhere on the spectrum).

Hugs

Isha

[charlene#2]

red pill,blue pill what difference does it make?every ones position is a little different than the next one,there is no one answer that is right for every one,if one thing works for you it might not work for me,just the way life is.

[Claire Cook]

Danielle,

There are probably many of us who if we had our druthers would want to be full-rime, if not transition -- but for various reasons we don't. (So are we fantasizing a bit?) Perhaps our GID is not a serious as those who do?

Whatever, I would seriously consider telling your best friend. I have found those GG's whom I've told to be my very special friends and wonderful sources of support. (and advice!)

[kimdl93]

Maybe no answer is the best answer you have at the moment. 'I don't know' is a reasonable answer.

Of course the real question isn't what you would do in an ideal situation, but what you hope for in this real life if yours.

[Jorja]

Maybe a good answer for your ex would be, right now I really don't know what I want. I will have to try to figure it out and I will let you know first.

[PaulaQ]

LookingGlass - I'm not encouraging you to do any one thing or the other. I don't think you owe anyone, other than yourself, an answer to questions like the ones I asked. I don't know you, and I have no idea whether or not transition would help you or harm you. But it sounded like you wanted that, but were afraid to answer the question. That raises serious questions that you really ought to answer. I can only suggest you are rigorously honest with yourself, regardless of your fears. I'd also suggest finding a gender therapist, someone to help you explore these feelings.

All of us need to be able to answer "Who am I? How do I live the life truest to myself that I can?" I believe everyone, trans or cis should be able to answer those questions, although answering them is one thing, living that way is another. Life seldom makes it easy for anyone, cis or trans, to be true to ourselves, and the price exacted upon trans people for authenticity is heavy.

[Bria]

As usual Isha has many good things to say and I would echo the suggestion of seeing a therapist and in the mean time Jorga has said it correctly, I don't know is a valid answer. I hope that you are able to get it figured out for yourself, not quite sure that I have!

Hugs, Bria

[Stephanie47]

You have not posted a lot on this forum, so I really cannot tell if you're totally dissatisfied with being a male. Is it the allure of the clothes? Clothes as a hobby? As an escape from male stress? I think it is interesting that you and your ex-wife are still friends. From your posts it seems she finds your personality pleasing, but, maybe not the sexuality behind it. When you made the observation she likes you more because you seem to be more at ease with yourself, it appears maybe that was the reason for the marital failure. The worse thing in a relationship is the lack of communication.

How would you answer her question? I will concur that you should see a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues. You need to be able to answer the question yourself. You need to be true to yourself. Of course, if I were in your heels, I'd ask her how she would react if you were to live as a woman full time. That's a requirement for transitioning anyway.

[Beverley Sims]

I don't know if my Out Loud Voice failed me or protected me tonight, but it was guilty of something.

So, the ex invited me over for some food tonight, and being hungry and not wanting to cook, I agreed. We are on good terms and still asks me if I'm going to cut her out of my life. I told her no because she is still the best friend I have right now.
Dani G!


This is the part of the conversation that touched me.

Why can't more divorcees do it without scratching each others eyes out.

Some marriages are a bad choice, so try again. :)

[LookingGlass]

Whew! Lot of thought about this after reading everyone;s input, so first off thank you for posting. Stephanie47, that's actually an interesting question to pose to her. I admit to my own curiosity simply to see what her honest reaction would be.