ok

[kendra nicloe]

ok I give up.im on the edge or purging.wife came home i made dinner for her.all while dressed.she never said anything.met her in the driveway.all was good.she went to take a shower.so she mentioned doing the laundry.thought I would be a good girl and go start it for her.she freaks.tells me to turn it off that its using all the hot water.which I know its not cause I put colors in on cold.ok I turned it off.she comes out of the shower as im standing there offering to dry her off.she takes the towel and does it herself.then goes downstairs and starts yelling about who taught me how to do laundry that towles go in first.really?yep they take longer.oh ok whatever .I walk in the bedroom and take everything off.im done now we are argueing over everything

[Dana44]

Ayyee, I went thought that. Packed all my stuff away. Let it cool down. She felt bad about that the next day. As the weekend approached, she asked me to dress. I was unpacking all of my stuff and she noticed. I said that that hurt me so bad that I did that. She said, she was sorry and not to do that again.

[Beverley Sims]

Kendra,
It is time for two steps back.

A strategic withdrawal so to speak.

[kendra nicloe]

2 steps back?

[Jenniferathome]

Kendra, you need to talk to her. You can't assume doing chores will simply make her happy. Your issue is cross dressing, not doing chores. Communication is in order, not doing laundry.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Yikes!!!!!. Wow hard reaction...Let me ask this. Do you usually cook or do laundry when you are not dressed ie drab? Is the house work usually shared or was this something new and because you were dressed up? I'm just wondering if she saw this as an attack on her "womanhood" As much as we love to believe that in this age we are all enlightened, we all, men and women a like, sometimes feel threatened when our typical (stereotype) roles are taken. I don't know just kind of guessing here. My advice is DO NOT purge, but put everything away for now. Talk and see what is going on, but first calm down, cool off and let her do the same.
just my thoughts.

[FrancineS]

I concur with Victoria, take a couple day break, let it cool down. Things will be good again this occurs often. Don't purge, think of the hassle to go out a find new stuff.

[Teresa]

Kendra,
Obviously had a bad day at work and you were in the firing line ! Your dressing is not usually a problem but she appears to tolerate it rather than embrace it !
Sometimes we think because of our dressing that we are the cause of their moods, my wife flipped one day when I assumed that and she told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't all about me ! I tried to put it right by doing all the cooking , cleaning shopping and the rest some days it's not enough, she wants her man to do male things like fix some of the jobs around the house !
Don't purge, just back off for a couple of days, maybe do some of the male things that need doing !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Sounds like you're being a little obsessive Kendra. It's great that you want to help - as every SO should - but perhaps the way you're going about it could seem fussy, obsessional?

I also suspect that your wife's issues aren't about the towels at all, but about the reversed roles.

The answer has to start with communication. My advice is get her out of the house, dress in man-clothes, ply her with wine, then ask her how she's feeling about things. As long as you're en femme, in the house, it's too loaded a situation.

Don't despair- and please keep letting us know how it's going.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kendra,

A key piece of information is missing from your story IMHO. I took the opportunity to read back over your posts and back in Jan of this year you indicated your wife "was not cool" with your dressing even though she agreed you could dress around the house. My question is, did you both take time to discuss your dressing, come to some mutual agreement about timing, amount, who sees what and so on? These are very important aspects of dressing especially when your wife may not be completely supportive. I am going to go out on a limb and believe your dressing has rapidly gained ground since January and perhaps your wife has been holding her own emotions in check because she knows how important it is to you and wishes to make you happy. If that is the case, I think what you are seeing is a release of those emotions with anger directed outwardly at secondary aspects of your dressing (e.g., laundry).

I am going to posit your wife is definitely "not cool" with your dressing as it is now and as such, you really need to sit down and have a frank discussion (not dressed) about your CDing and how it is affecting her as much as it effects you. This is a two-way street and both parties need to be aware of how demands, desires, wishes and fantasies (no matter how well intentioned) affects the other party. You both need to decide what you can both live with and without when it comes to your dressing. You may find that your wife might be fine with you dressing but limited to times when she cannot see you (DADT) or perhaps she is fine with seeing you dressed but not doing chores around the house or assuming a stereotypical "woman's role". Remember, you are her guy, her husband and seeing you dressed doing things around the house may be a hard thing to process . . . TALK it is the only way forward.

My advice and it is only that so take it for what it is worth. Pack your stuff away (don't purge), allow the emotions to calms (you indicated you are arguing right now) and when things are calmer, approach her and indicate you would like to have a calm discussion about your CDing and how it is affecting "her". Be honest and put all your cards on the table (what you would like to do). Don't make this a demand process "I want" or "You must" but keep language to "I would like to". Give her time to process as it might not resolve in the first round of talks. Answer her questions honestly and never make promises you know you will not be able to keep. Continue this process and eventually you should find common ground and then move forward from there.

Hugs and good luck

Isha

[Katey888]

Good advice already Kendra... :hugs:

I suspect you're so close to the elephant in this room, all you can see is grey... while your wife's seeing red! :Angry3:

There's definitely more going on here than cookery, laundry and dressing, and if you think purging will fix it that's probably also a clue. Time for some meaningful discussion to really understand what the issues are....??? :)

Katey x

[kimdl93]

I'd have to agree that there seems to be a lot of missing information. Yes, it may be that your wife is upset with your cross dressing. That may only be part of the problem. Rather than jump to conclusions, why not ask her what is the matter.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kendra,
Rule #1. Never purge !

Rule #2. If you feel the need to purge, See Rule #1 again.:daydreaming:

RE: The hot water issue , I suspect that you just took the water pressure away from the hot water heater, Been there and done that.:hugs:

[Erika Lyne]

Kendra,

There are so many wonderful observations and pieces of advice here: let the emotions cool, take a few steps back, communication, it might not be you or your dressing in particular but rather you are the one there at the end of a long day and as a spouse you are the one who gets dumped on, issues of roles, issue of pushing her limits but these limits have not been set yet.

The only thing I could add is that you may have also challenged her sexuality. Women generally do not like for other women to see them naked or to touch them much at all. When you are dressed your wife may feel awkward about the physical aspects that you would love to convey. My wife and I have this reoccurring issue. (At great risk of starting a fight in this house because she is on this site as well but wanting to help and possibly finding help for us at the same time, I will continue.) my wofe is not much of a tactile person, never has been. I am fairly tactile. I enjoy touching her no matter how I'm dressed. She dislikes my touch when I'm dressed as Erika. She says, "Your touch is different." I argue that it is not, I've even deliberately kept my hands open and firm and she says that it is still not like my normal touch. I see it as her perception, a threatening to her sexuality.

This next thought comes from conversations with women with and/or without them knowing about my CDing. Many times the topic of the conversation is about gay men or over effeminate men. You may have also inadvertently threatened her perception of her own femininity. Many people who CD (or over effeminate men) tend to over exaggerate their understanding of a few feminine traits. She IS the whole package and there are things that are enjoyable about being a woman and things that are just plain tedious. When you dress at a convient time and to the extent you wish you may be insulting her inadvertently. She has to do this everyday, 100% and doesn't have the luxury of picking and choosing which traits to keep up or to be able to switch to "guy mode" when she would like to. It just isn't part of her persona the way CDing is yours.

Like others have said, communication is the going to be your best bet. You'll have to find what set her off about you dressing that day. Maybe she was going to ask to go out to dinner that night and you accidentally quashed that notion. You've stated in this thread and older posts that she isn't a fan of you dressing. Maybe you'll have to set limits. She may be a DADT type of spouse. If that's the case, you'll need to set time frames and "appointments" for yourself. These limits may seem very restrictive at first but if the limits allow you to dress AND keep the marriage it might be a win-win compromise scenario. Collaboration is best but compromise is second best.

Last word of advice: DO NOT PURGE!!! It is ALAWAYS a losing proposition. If you purge you are denying yourself a part of yourself. (Another risky statement to follow.) Your wife may think after you purged it has gone away and may expect it to stay gone. However, if you've read many of the posts about purging, Kendra WILL be back. When she returns, she will be back with a vengeance and your wife will be even more upset than she is now. Also, when Kendra returns, she will not tolerate being thrown away like a rag doll. I say this from experience. I've purged several times. I've thown it all away more than once and dressing was pushed deep into a whole but when it came back...watch out! I've also put my women's clothes in storage "for now." Acknowledging that this part of me is just that, a PART of me that will never go away was a huge step for both myself and me wife. After storing my clothes and my dressing came back it was more like putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes. I remembered why I missed it, fell in love with it all over again and found a peace in myself that wasn't there before the storing of my clothes. My wife was also able to deal with it easier too because she knew the whole time that my Erika side was and always will be there. Putting everything into storage helped my emotional side knowing that I still had something that made me happy even though my wife did not enjoy it at all. I wasn't being defiant or selfish, rather I was being selfless. Yes, I kept part of myself and kept true to myself but I was keeping it put away so as to not upset my wife. I was putting her before me, I kept myself "worse," "poorer," and"in sickness" so that she may be "better," richer" and "in health" in our commitment to eachother. And she has done similar for me by allowing my dressing to return, peacefully this time. (Well, for the most part.)

Best of luck,
-E

[carhill2mn]

You do not say anything of where your wife and you were previously in regards to your being en femme. How had she acted before? Did you have any agreements or understandings as to what she was comfortable with? Was this situation new to her?

As to the cold water, yes, I can see where she would react (most of us would). Her reactions would strongly indicate that she is not comfortable with seeing you '"dressed". However, my advice would be to not purge immediately. Once you both have calmed down try to discuss the entire situation in a calm matter-of-fact manner. Perhaps,
compromises can be reached and boundaries established. If things continue to be bad you can always purge at a later date. However, keep in mind that very few CDs can
totally give up doing at least some "dressing".

Good luck!

[Tina_gm]

Accepting that we cross dress and accepting the cross dressing can be two entirely different things. Sometimes, no matter how good our actions or intentions are, the actual dressing part can be problematic. It is a distinct possibility that they can love us, accept that we dress, even give us respect in times to dress, or just not be in any way openly negative about it, but they are still not going to actually like it and it may be very troublesome for them to see it or participate with us. Great advice about cooling things down a bit. Also, dressing may have been the icing on the cake of other things as well. Many men have had wives who after a very bad day will act similarly, as we have undoubtedly not always treated our wives the best after a bad day at work or for some other reason. Them then doing something that we generally are not fond of anyway, and something that we tolerate but do not like then becomes a far greater disturbance. It could have been a perfect storm type of situation.

While our wives may give us the go ahead to dress in front of them, we should always think of other things as well, not just that they said yes. We should think, is this a good time? Women often do not directly say or ask for what they want, but, pay close attention and generally there will be subtle signs.