life so far.

[jules]

My last post I made on here was when I started taking depression medication. I think ?
My biggest fear was I was going to loose a part of myself that has been fighting so much to get out.
But instead it has gone in the opposite direction completely. For the first time in years I don't feel alone and sad. Not going through the motions wondering if this is going to be my last day on this earth.
Having moments of such crushing sadness it was unbearable.
But after being on medication it has helped me think more clearly.
My thoughts are normal and my depression is normal.
Yes you have normal depression!
Bills.
life.
death.
divorce.
or that size 6 you will never fit into:sad:
Thats normal depression.

Dont get me wrong the gender dysphoria is still there and when i look in the mirror i could crawl out of my skin. My depression had nothing to do with being transgender.
I just wanted to make that clear before someone else points it out.

My relationship with my wife is a lot better.
We are starting to talk more and I am not hiding little things anymore.
We have made it quite clear that neither one of us is going anywhere and we will be together always.
That was the two biggest fears we both had was she was going to leave me and I was not going to want her anymore.

Been growing my hair long and right now it's at the stage where it looks like crap :(
My wife has giving me some input on what looks good on me and what don't but she still gets uncomfortable when we talk to much about clothing.
The only time I don't be me anymore is when I work or go out with my wife but I am always under dressed even when I go to see my doctor. It's who I am and that all I can do about it.
My wife knows about my April appointment with the transgender psychiatrist and is making sure I go. Like I said there are no more secrets between us anymore.
I buy my make up and clothes when we can afford it. I don't expect her to jump right in and pick out my clothes for me its going to take time. But I will have to get her to help me because my taste can be atrocious sometimes. And she agrees with this statement :(
But she did tell me what colors to look for and style so that is a bonus :)

My doctor and I talk about how I am doing and what is the next step I want to take. My last appointment we were talking about how I was doing and feeling and asked me again what's the next step I wanted to take. He told me he was going to send a referral to a psychiatrist who deals with transgender people. I looked at him and said the doctors name. He was surprised that i knew I told him that my appointment for him was in April and I was already on top of it.
He was impressed that I had already had this set up.
As we talked he told me that one of his young patients did not want srs but just wanted to look like a girl for now.
I told him that there is nothing wrong with that. Everybody is different and if that is where she feels comfortable so be it.
When I start I might get to the same point and say I'm good. What you feel on the inside will determine your end game.
It dont have to end with Srs.
But that is just my opinion.
He told me he has heard the same answers for his other patients and he has other patients at various stages of transition and would I be interested in joining in with them as a group to discuss our experiences so we can help each other.
I said yes and to let me know when this was going to happen.
As soon as I got home I told my wife and she is very nervous about me doing that because nobody knows about me and what happens if some one recognized me or knows my wife. I understand what is is saying and I agreed with her because it made sense.
I told her that I need talk to people like myself. I am going to need that.
We are still working on that.

We talked about me coming out especially to my son but I'm not ready yet and I have to do this in steps and be smart about it.
It's not a race !
I know we don't have tons of money and this will take a lot of time so I'm going to watch my step and come out when the time is right.
Let's not beat around the bush here.
I'm heading for 50 and I might not change at all or it could go to wow.
One cup size smaller then my mom?
I will have fried eggs for breast.
It could take up to 5 years to see a significant changes and there might be none.
So I have time. Like I said be smart and just keep telling myself it's not a race.
One of the things we talked about was cross dressing and I told her I'm ! NOT ! A crossdresser if it was that simple it would be great but it's not.
But it's something more. That is why I don't go on the cross dressers side of this form because it's not me at all. I am more then just a man in a dress.
(Just repeating what some said about themselves)
I hope I'm not offending anyone?
Just typing what I am thinking and what I am feeling.

Right now the biggest problem is what to do about the summer. We camp a lot and a lot of time we go with friends. My worry is I have no hair anywhere except my arms and head. I do not want to be spending the summer in jeans at +30 degrees. I am going good to cook.
I am going to look into cargo pants and hopefully that will work.
I cannot grow the hair back everywhere. I can't stand it. Never could!

But these are the little things :)
Sorry for the long post but just wanted to get things off my chest and let everyone know that I'm good.
I have been typing this for 2 weeks now trying to figure out what to say or how to say it.

This is what I came up with.
Sorry if it's all over the place.

Hugs
Julie summers :)

[kimdl93]

Hi Julie,

good to hear from you and to get a progress report. I think its great that you're able to differentiate the depression from the gender dysphoria. I fear that some people assume that dysphoria "must be" precipitating depression, and make rash decisions at a time when decision making isn't exactly their forte. I'm also very glad to hear that you're feeling better, communicating better and able to accommodate your needs to some degree as you go about your daily life, in your marriage and in your family relationships.

Also glad to hear you've got the next step on track. Regardless of where this leads, it seems you're taking control and responsibility for your own future. Enjoy the summer - don't worry about the hair. If someone notices, just tell them you got rid of it because you didn't like it. Its true and its all the information you need to share at this point.

[KellyJameson]

I would not be to concerned about not having hair on your body.

I have always been very slender and worn my hair down to the middle of my back along with having very little body hair and what I did have I had removed early on. I went for a number of years being a "Dude looks like a lady" in the eyes of others and traveled all over the world like this including Calgary and Edmonton. (Love the cities, hate the mosquitos)

I'm a poster child for bending gender and yes my appearance did confuse people and yes guys when they realized they "made a mistake" would sometimes make comments out of their own sexual insecurities but overall nobody really cared or if it bothered them they kept it to themselves and I live in shorts almost year round.

Human beings come in a huge variety of outward appearances and you are more likely to draw a negative reaction toward yourself by being self conscious. It is that nervousness that can make people cruel or predatory.

Being older you are even less likely to receive negative reactions in my opinion. It is the sexual confusion thing that seems to come with the most danger. Guys often refer to Tgirls as "traps". Your age and life style/habits will probably protect you from this danger.

People will probably label you a hippy or fit you into their reality in some other way.

Plus we are deep into the Transsexual Tipping Point where most of the world is now aware of Trans people so you are unlikely to shock or frighten anyone unless you are doing something that offends their sexual norms or morals and the absence of body hair is unlikely to do this.

Of all the visible secondary sexual characteristics people use to determine gender, breasts are the most powerful. Particularly for men because many seem to have a fixation for them. I suspect it has something to do with subconsciously being a sign of fertility that they "key into"

Until you reach that point you will be invisible and at worse an "oddity" that may make others laugh but it is personal attacks with words or physical violence that are really your main concern. Being embarrassed or humiliated hurts but it rarely kills.

It is possible to gender bend the outside of the body without much negative reaction until you start touching peoples subconscious reactions to signs of fertility on a strong level. Breasts, mini skirts and heels (legs and how they are presented) are powerful sexual symbols.

Long healthy hair is also a powerful symbol of reproductive health, but less so and will not trigger as strong a reaction.

You are feeling self conscious because you are treading in new waters but most people end up having problems (with strangers) because they consciously "sexualize themselves", not from transitioning. The other set of problems will be with intimates, friends and associates but for other reasons and bring less risk of interpersonal violence against you.

Yes I attracted a lot of attention from confusing people,(both men and women) by being in-between but I never "messed with their minds" or if I did it was expected , so they left me alone.

You will need a thick skin to transition so you may as well start with wearing shorts to "push your own boundaries" and learn to become comfortable with taking "gender risks" because transitoning is shattering most peoples concepts of gender and this does come with risk.

Transitioning is an intense expansion of your own boundaries that than push against the boundaries of others "potentially causing a reaction" As you create the reality that you know is true for you it effects the perception of reality for others, causing them discomfort or outright fear.

Prepare now for what you will need later.

[Sammy777]

He told me he has heard the same answers for his other patients and he has other patients at various stages of transition and would I be interested in joining in with them as a group to discuss our experiences so we can help each other.
I said yes and to let me know when this was going to happen.

As soon as I got home I told my wife and she is very nervous about me doing that because nobody knows about me and what happens if some one recognized me or knows my wife.
I understand what is is saying and I agreed with her because it made sense.
I told her that I need talk to people like myself. I am going to need that.
We are still working on that.

What your doctor has going [group] is a very good thing.
Let me say this, the overall odds of seeing someone in that group that your wife or you personally know is astronomical.
And even if you do see someone you know in that group, why would either of you think that person would say anything to anybody else?
For all you know they are just as concerned about keeping this under wraps as both of you are right now.
Not to mention, finding someone you personally know could be a huge help and give both of you someone else to talk to.

Oh, did you hear, Bob is trans. Where did you hear that Steve? Oh well, uh, mmmm, oh nevermind.
Its the same as someone gossiping about another person they met in AA.
They would basically be outing themselves in order to prove what they are saying is true.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I will have fried eggs for breast.

I love it! Hope things continue to improve, thanks for sharing your feelings Julie

xxNikki

[STACY B]

Wow it always astounds me on how our lives revolve in the same circles at different times ? As for the group I would be like you all in ,,, Anyway as for your Son just keep doing what you are doing an time will take care of the rest . Guys are different ,, They notice things an don't express it an never want to talk about them . If he wants to know he will ask you or more likely you SO .

As for your wife just take it slow an talk to her an keep her in the loop an take her with you to as many appointments an visits as she will go to . That way she is involved an does not think she is in the dark about anything. Oh yea don't sweat the legs ,, We all go threw that crap . Just change the subject ,, Don't that seem kinda small considering the rest ,,lol,,, Yep that's what I thought too !

As far as the group ,, Just like another said it's more like AA you never hear about who's there ? As bad as it is to say ,, This is BABY steps so just do it YOUR WAY ,, An that is the RIGHT WAY !!

[charlenesomeone]

Thanks for the update Julie, glad things are better. I start my first therapy next month, so looking forward to
following your progress.
Hugs

[Rachelakld]

Lovely story.
I notice about 40% of male where I live have waxed their legs & chest, while most are body builders, quite a few of us are not, and we still all ware shorts over the summer

Be yourself and have a great summer

Rachel

[jules]

thank you for replies.
i am good :)
i will figger it out. ijust wanted to share my progress so far.
Somtimes it good to hear a good story every now and then that dont end bad.
today we have some running around to do but after that she is going to help me pick out some things that will look good on me.
i just came out and asked her for help last night with picking out clothes because i did not to wast money on crap. it was either yes or no.

have a good weekend ladies :)

julie