1st Steps Therapy

[YasminJ]

Hi all, I've not managed to find an exact post the same, although I am sure this has been asked hundreds of times and I am being dim. How crucial was therapy in decisions to transition? I am at a fairly confused path and have chickened out of a therapy appointment before, I've come close to taking those steps but I am torn, do I find out what I am pretty sure I already know, or should I continue to deny any feelings and make do with the life I have?

I've ready numerous posts from brave girls who've made the leap and I very much feel this is something I want to do. However I completely identify with others who have the fear of family, friends, work, etc. Would i be happy with a half way house? Eeek I don't know.

Any and all advice is welcome....please be gentle! x

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It is your life Yasmin.

This is a crucial and simple statement. Others may or may not support you, but its up to you make your life feel right to you.

Find a therapist and go. That's what you need to do, otherwise nothing will happen and the family , friends and work people will go about their daily lives feeling good about themselves while you suffer..

therapy is not scary...its hugely empowering and you can share all those thoughts in your head... it is scary to pick a therapist and go for the first time but that's like anything in life where the first time is hard...

[YasminJ]

You are right Kaitlyn, its almost that fear of someone else knowing thats held me back.

[PretzelGirl]

I would also say that make sure you find a therapist you get comfortable with. I don't believe a therapist should tell you who you are, you will be the one to come up with it. But you have to be comfortable enough with your therapist so that you are sharing everything which enables them to guide you through processing your thoughts.

[Rachel Smith]

Agree with both Kaitlyn and Sue. You must be comfortable enough to be honest with your therapist and yourself as well. Don't embellish nor leave out ANYTHING!

[PaulaQ]

Yasmin,

It would be nice if someone would diagnose us. Scan our brains, show us the picture, and go "why lookee here - you're wired up all like a girl inside your noggin'! Do you feel like a girl? You do? Well golly, we better do something about that!" Ideally this would've happened when you were very young.

Unfortunately, we don't live in that world. I wanted to live in that world. I spent 5 of my first 7 birthdays in a children's hospital. They did all sorts of things to try to fix my legs. I just knew goddammit, that doctors figured stuff like that out, so why not my gender?

You can find therapists who'll tell you pretty straight up - "oh yeah, you are transsexual and you need to seriously consider transition," but most, in my experience are hesitant to do that, unless you tell them "I am ready to transition. Give me a letter for HRT please." And at that point, if they are any good, they probably will unless you present fairly obvious and profound symptoms of other mental illness. (Example: dissociative identity disorder, some male personalities, some female - which one gets to decide whether or not to transition?)

So in the end, you will have to make this decision for yourself. This really sucks! I wanted someone to basically tell me "it's OK for you to be this way - you didn't ask for this, and what is going on with you is real." Because every other person in the world who knew (and there weren't many who did), denied that, and said my feelings about my gender must be a sign of delusion on my part. It puts a lot of responsibility on you - really, it puts all the responsibility on you. Nobody says "I decided I better go get treatment for cancer!" But we have to say "I decided to transition." No, it is not fair at all. However, they also can't really tell who needs to transition, and who doesn't with some objective, analytical test anyway. So it really is all on us.

Now back to your question. In my opinion, a gender therapist can help you understand your feelings about your gender, and help you see things that you might not otherwise see. Those things might help you decide you do or don't need to transition. For example, odd feelings about your body that you may never have realized were really about your gender can be pointed out. There are all sorts of indicators, and they can certainly help you connect the dots "gee, I thought I was miserable about all these random things - but it turns out it's just one thing. Guess I better do something about it."

The other thing they can help you do is provide you with support, and help you figure out who you really are. Many of us have a ton of male socialization to unlearn. They can help with that. And if you have any other problems, you may as well air all those out with the therapist in addition to dealing with all the fun new ones that result from transition. You may as well work on all of that stuff - it's not like you aren't going to change everything other damned thing about yourself, in all probability.

But in the end, you have to know who you are. Are you are woman? Do you need to live as your true self? Those are the questions you have to answer. Others can give you their opinions - sometimes very wise opinions. But it's up to you to know what you need. But yes, my opinion is that a therapist can help you find the truth within yourself.

I would encourage you to take your feelings seriously, and look at them with the most rigorous honesty you can. I didn't do that until age 50, and it nearly killed me a couple of times. (I was quite surprised on Jan 1, 2014, when I found myself still alive. In March of 2013, I didn't expect I'd make it through the end of the year.) Don't be like me - if you are miserable, and especially if it seems to be getting worse, take this seriously and figure out what you need to do to feel better.

Hope some of that helps. Keep in mind all of us who've transitioned, or are in transition, have different experiences. Some of us are miserable to the point of suicide. Some aren't. Some of us feel a particularly intense gender identity. Some do not - but they know they are women still. Some are straight, some are lesbian. Some are young, some are old. Some lose everything, including their lives. Some lose next to nothing. Most lose something - often quite a lot.

I'd also suggest that you try to find a local trans support group, and go meet with them, and talk about your feelings, and listen to others talk about theirs. See if you identify with any of them. See if any of their experiences match yours. It can help, it really can.

Best of luck, hon.

[LeaP]

...How crucial was therapy in decisions to transition? ... do I find out what I am pretty sure I already know, or should I continue to deny any feelings and make do with the life I have?

That's a surprisingly hard question to answer. The question implies a path from idea to decision, mediated through a therapist, that has no place in therapy. I barely discussed transition in therapy before deciding. In fact, my therapist wouldn't entertain the topic for a long time until other things were addressed. Even then, it was about guiding me to think about the realities - how did I see myself post-transition, what would it do to marriage, work, retirement, relationships. What would change for my wife, etc. Again, almost all of this post decision.

The second question will be there regardless of any therapy. Your feelings may be clarified and amplified one way or another, but the question will still await.

It's this sort of conundrum that prompts others to ask whether you want the blue pill or red pill. Illusion or reality. Fortunately, while therapy may give you a dose of reality, it doesn't commit you to a decision. Good thing, because reality is a hard mistress. You get to like it, though.

[Jorja]

For me, therapy wasn't that big a part in my decision to transition. Back in 1980 there were very few therapist that even knew we existed. If they did know of us they were so expensive the regular person could not afford their services. I was lucky. I had made friends with three transwomen who helped me through the process.

Would I go to a therapist today? You bet I would!

[Astri]

I've recently started some therapy, and in a way it feels pointless. He knows a lot about the subject, which has given me more information on how it works where I live, which is great, but my decision on transitioning hasn't really progressed much since before I started going. I've only talked to him twice though, and next time he'll put me on the road to HRT, unless I change my mind within 2 months. I doubt it :p
This therapy has helped in some indirect way though. It has given me a sense of progress, like, somethings finally happening. I'm not just trying to cope at home anymore. On top of that, it's really nice to talk to someone about it, and I'm lucky to have a therapists who thinks really highly of transgenders, which did give me some confidence.

I would recommend therapy, even though it probably wont help you too much in deciding whether to transition or not.

[flatlander_48]

Y:

If you spend some time reading the various threads here, it is clear that MANY folks here have used mental health services of one sort or another. At one end of the spectrum are people who really need to transition as they are desparate to reconcile their physical and mental selves. At the other end of the spectrum are people who are just trying to get some understanding of what they think and feel and there are many points in between.

I like the comments about getting involved with a transgender group. You will likely find a lot of experience to draw upon and it's also a good way of finding out which doctors and therapists people really respect.

DeeAnn

[Eringirl]

Great question ! for me it was critical. But I found that I have great therapists. My first is one that I have been seeing on as needed basis for the past 17 years when I feel overwhelmed. She has a great way of helping me put things into perspective and finding a way forward. Needless to say my GD lead me to being overwhelmed!! ;). She was able to help me see that my mental state was a result of something more than just stress or depression. She was able to see that it was quite possible that GD was involved. Hence the referral to a second therapist that I was referred to that specializes in all things TG and that is all she does. She is amazing as well. I am able to tell them everything. And that is key. You have to be comfortable telling them the truth, the WHOLE truth about what you are feeling. They are able to ask me some really good questions, get me thinking about what is really going on. And sometimes they push. They want to make sure that I am not just telling them what they want to hear so that they will put me on HRT. I have a great relationship with them and they truly have my best interests at heart. So, for me, I wouldn't be where I am right now without them. I would be a real mess.

I would strongly recommend a therapist, a really good, well qualified gender therapist. But that is just my :2c:

Good luck, keep us posted....

[Dianne S]

For me, therapy played practically no part in my decision to transition. I think I'd basically decided before I even met my therapist, but possibly it hadn't completely sunk in.

My therapist is wonderful and full of helpful practical advice. She's been a great sounding board for me to sort my feelings out and she connected me with an endocrinologist who started me on anti-androgens and estradiol. She gave me good tips on how to walk and act as a woman and helped me come up with a roadmap once I'd decided to transition.

I strongly recommend finding a good gender therapist; it makes things so much easier.

[Eryn]

I think that many people have the concept that during a therapy session a light bulb will suddenly come on and they will know "That's it! I need to transition!" or the opposite.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that and in fact there is no one way that it works!

For me, the therapist gave me a neutral person with whom to talk. She is knowledgeable, empathetic, suggests resources, and brings up good questions that I hadn't considered. She started me journaling and this has helped me organize my thoughts. What she won't do is push me one way or the other. The decisions remain with me. Yes, that's decision_s_. Transition isn't a binary process and for many of us it is done in steps.

Also, while many of us focus on being transgendered, often there are other issues that must be handled. A good therapist can put them in perspective and help us develop strategies for dealing with them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yasmin I never talked to anybody about my "issue" for many many years. A therapist should.be a safe place to talk.

[cassiekat]

Wow that was great paula

I have been going to therapy for about 20 months and sent to different places but only one so far has helped me in any meaningful way and I am thankful for them. You have to kiss a few frogs before you get your Prince;)

[YasminJ]

Hi all

Thank you all for your time and kind responses.

Paula I wish you lived near me! Those are 2 amazing questions, and yes I am a woman on the inside, given the opportunity to wake up as I wish to lived, there is not a doubt in my mind which pill I would take and not look back. Am I strong enough to transition this is probably what I need to answer and need help to answer.

I am fortunate and do not feel suicidal in my male form, but am I happy in it, no. Would I like to see some of the physical changes HRT could bring - yes. Could I handle an in between stage - I don't know.

I feel I could walk in and demand help to transition, I feel that passionately about living as a woman, but I also want to make sure I am prepared for the journey and if it is one I should take.

I think local support groups are probably a good idea too.

If nothing else, this affirms I need to do something with my feelings, I just need to figure out where.

Thanks again for the kind words x

[Kate T]

Yasmin

It sounds like and certainly the above advice is fantastic.

I don't do/ haven't been to a therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist. In Australia there is far less cultural acceptance of psychological therapy generally than in the US. I am not saying this is a good or bad thing, it just is. There are lots of reasons for this, large distances, small population etc.

BUT I would say that if I was as confused and uncertain as your post sounds then there is little doubt in my mind I would want to talk to someone and certainly a therapist with experience in gender issues is probably the best person to talk to. The idea's of going to a support group etc. are also great first steps.