Gone in a heart beat

[Eringirl]

I have been shocked over the past week just how quickly my wife has disassociated herself with me. We were talking today and I asked if she wanted some resources to get an understanding of what I was going through and she flat out refused to what to know. Okay then, moving on apparently.

Also, she is constantly telling me that people at work are going to be mean to me, avoid interacting, sabotage my work etc. Not one supportive statement at any time. Now, I know this happens a lot, I get that. But this is from someone that wants to separate on amicable terms and will "always be my friend". Wow, what a friend. It is one thing to be realistic and perhaps she is fearful for my well being at work. But not exactly up lifting, particularly while I was having a melt down, complete with lots of tears. But that was momentary. (side bar - my work place has a pretty strong TG bill of rights with grounds for dismal for any mistreatment of a trans person, just as with any other person).

So, I thought we would be friends, but wow, this makes it hard. I am doing my best to be calm and collected and considerate and respectful as I want the separation to be on friendly terms. I don't want to go to court over any of this. So I suck it up. Just seems odd to me, or maybe disingenuous? Am I being naive or over sensitive??

30 years...gone in a heart beat.... :brokenheart:

Erin

[chelyann]

im sorry to hear its going to end this way.
good luck , tomorrow is a new day.

[Dana44]

Sorry to hear that Eringirl,
She is probably hurt as you are. It is a sad situation. Lift your head up and smile. You have a lot to live for. Do try to keep her as a friend. I know it is hard for you as a break is always hard.

[Jorja]

Eringirl, sorry to hear this. Sometimes that is just the way it is. She has every right to be against it and every right to be non-supportive. This is just something you are going to have to get used to. Now the trick is finding an equal compromise.

[celeste26]

My guess is that she is still unconvinced over your whole transition, cant see the woman you are "underneath." Its not so much about rejection as not enough time yet. You might see things in one way while she cant let go of what she saw to begin with yet. AND fearful that the rest of the people in your world only see the same thing as she does. If your world chews you up, then it will chew her up also a very feminine response from her.

Your marriage is recoverable so dont make it worse by leaving. You need to communicate better, give her a list of the top 100 reasons why you feel like a woman, and/or act like a woman in an obvious way. If it is really that hard maybe you need to reconsider transition at this time.

[cassiekat]

I have some idea what you are going through and I feel for you.

[Patty B.]

Just found the book sex changes by Christine benvenuto and it is from the wife's perspective. It is worth reading to realize what we are doing or have done to our spouses or partners. Found it in the public library, but wound up buying the book on amazon, live in small rural town. To bad this info wasn't available 40 -50 years ago. Just my opinion.




























re

[charlenesomeone]

So sorry Erin, having gone through a D myself it can devolve very fast.
You are still you, keep doing what you must do. Hopefully things will get better.
Hugs

[Donnagirl]

Erin,

You have my sympathies...

[Rachel Smith]

Erin my 28 year marriage ended exactly the same way with the exact "I will always be your friend" statement. It is hard when someone you have no ill will towards shows their true feelings. I try to remember she only said those unsupportive things because she was hurting and as a possible last effort to get me not to transition and not because she wanted to hurt me. That being said be prepared for that person that would always be your friend to never speak to you again.

If you need to talk more I am here and only a pm away.

Hugs
Rachel

[Jean 103]

26 Years, Sorry to hear of you troubles. I thought I had lost my best friend when we separated, so far we are still friends and I see her at least once a week. Hopefully she just needs time.

[I Am Paula]

Erin, I've been thru a few divorces. There is no way to make it easier, even if the end result is mutually benefitial. SO's of a transitioning partner are a weird, and unique breed. As trans women, we say that CIS people could never understand what is going on. It's the same for the SO. We cannot grasp what they are thinking.
I still live with my wife (separate bedrooms). 99% of the time we're best friends. We can be shopping together for party dresses one day, and then she says 'People are going to make fun of you'. Huh? We go out every day, and no one has made fun of me yet! No double standards jokes here. It's just her coping strategy sometimes.
Hope you can at least make the process civil. You are in my thoughts.

[PretzelGirl]

My thoughts are with you Erin. It is a tough road for both of you. She is scared, confused, and trying to figure out what is going to happen to her life. It is really going to be tough for both of you. The best I can offer is to keep the conversation at the level you have always had with her so if any recovery in her perspective is possible, then the door is still open. :hugs:

[kimdl93]

Remember that she is experiencing a loss too and her views are colored by that. Of course she has the same fears and misinformation she had before. Transition and anything associated with it may be, in her eyes, the thing that destroyed the marriage. So in that light you can understand her lack of interest.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

This period may hopefully be the nadir between you, and while it may take a while, I hope that eventually her stated wish to remain friends will come to be. Also, as time goes by and you continue on your path without the world exploding, she may get over her pessimistic worries for your well being and see that you can indeed function perfectly well at work and elsewhere.

I'm sorry for you both, but I do believe time will heal.

:hugs: Nikki

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Erin you are going to have to be patient.
You are being naive about the impact you are having on her. THIRTY YEARS!!! gone in a heartbeat i wonder how your wife feels about the thirty years..
This is devastating.

It is unrealistic to expect anything from your wife. She is going to have her own thoughts and feelings and some of them are going to be very salty.
Think of how long this has been bubbling inside of you and all the thoughts you've had over the years.

Your wife needs your support just as much if not more than you need hers. If you support her by being understanding, nonjudgmental and not needy during this time, you have the best chance to stay friends. You need to thrive in your role as a woman and execute your transition in a way that makes her see this is what is truly best for you. Yes, you suck it up. I did. I was sincere about it, i took responsibility for the fact that I entered into our marriage and then threw this at her after 20 years. I never backed down from that but at the same time i never backed down on transition.. i communicated to her that i felt this was a medically neccessary intervention in my life but that i understood i was causing her pain.

Its was OK for her to be upset and ok for her to feel anything she feels. I took it on the chin...

So hear her, make it clear that acknowledge her feelings and that you can imagine how tough this is...if she shares her feelings don't push back, there is no good answer other than you hear her and empathize...and never back down that you are doing this... that might in the moment anger her but this is the high road whether she sees it or not and hopefully in time she will see it and appreciate that you were sensitive to her feelings.

Also like others have said, time will march on and very likely heal alot of the current situation. Lots of us experienced rage and hatred but all that usually drops off and people come to terms with things...it may not but how you behave during the time when your wife is working it out in her mind is going to have a big impact on things...and if she never calms down you want to sleep nights, you don't want to carry the burden that maybe you could have done more

[Jennifer-GWN]

Erin;

Turning this corner is never easy. You know your wife is strong willed. I agree with Paula on this being just part of her coping strategy with a dash of denial and a sprinkle of pig headedness as my mom would say. Keep the peace and hopefully over time she'll your happiness shine through. There's hope over time just don't let this get to you right now.

Always here for you... Jennifer

[Rebecca Watson]

I have been shocked over the past week just how quickly my wife has disassociated herself with me.

Sounds familiar. However, that means you are still speaking her, and there's the possibility that she will be more open to understanding as time goes on. My ex only speaks to me if she thinks she can weasel money out of me.

It's hard for me to understand the cis perspective on this. My sister asked me "how would you feel if your wife told you she's becoming a man?" I didn't know how to respond; obviously "Wow! That would be great!" was not the intended response.

- Becky

[Eringirl]

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and support.

Ya, I know she is hurting, we have and continue to talk about that. I get it, and I validate her feelings. I guess what caught me off guard is that she is the one that said "I want us to be friends" but then stuff like this happens. That confused me. But to the point being made here, is that this may just be her "lashing" out at the time and dealing with feelings that are erupting in her at the same time. So, ya, I get it now. I am trying to be really patient, stay calm, and supportive for her. Today is a much better day...so far.

@Celeste26 - thanks for your thoughts. Just to clarify...she is the one moving out, not me. Just wanted to make sure that I stated that correctly.

She also provided some names of lawyers that she was referred to that she did not contact. She has her lawyer all keyed up and ready to go. So I have to get ready for that and meet with my lawyer now.

I think you are all correct, it will take time. I think once she settles into her own place and has time to digest some of this on her terms at her pace, she will be better. I also think that seeing me be really happy, I mean really happy, with who I have become over time as my true self, may make her feel more like being friends. I mean really, it is hard to be friends with someone who is always unhappy when you are unhappy to. She needs just as much positive in her life as I do. So maybe over time, we can both be in a positive head space and be happy for each other. Time will tell.

And thanks to everyone here for your on going support. Good to know that I am not alone in all this....

Erin.

P.S. on a side note - I am also dealing with the failing health of my mother who has serious dementia and was sent to hospital by the care facility she was living in as they can no longer deal with her. So trying to get assessments done and find a place for her, dealing with Drs, lawyers (for power of attorney as my father can't deal with this any longer either) etc, etc. And it is a 20 hour drive to where they live, so doing it all by distance. Just another thing in the long list of stuff to deal with. But as they say, that which doesn't kill you....

[STACY B]

Yea what Kaitlyn Michele said Anyway SORRY for your Troubles ,,,Life SUCKS sometimes when people don't get it !

[MsVal]

Erin,

I am thankfully not in your situations. They are individually difficult and collectively awful. I wish you well.

One point that others have not yet made is that your wife may need to demonize someone or something for causing this awful breakup. There is no infidelity, no drug or alcohol addiction, no gambling, no spousal abuse, just 'you'.

For the sake of her own self image and for justification of her acts, she needs to make you the problem, and the problem must be greater than the solution (divorce).

By seeing things that way, she could be rationalizing the divorce as a necessary step toward ridding herself of something much worse.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Dianne S]

Erin, I'm really sorry for how this is turning out. But remember, for you it's a heartbeat but your wife has likely been thinking about this for a while. In any separation, the partner who makes the decision is usually months further along than the other partner in the various stages of shock, anger, grief and acceptance.

It's always very sad when a long-term relationship ends. But take hope from the fact that you too will eventually move through the stages and be healed and whole again.

[jules]

I don't know your relationship with you wife or how you told her.
Just remember to her it's also gone I a heartbeat.
She (my guess) thought you both would grow old together but all those days are gone.
She is pissed, angry, in shock and is looking to Blame anyone and not support you at all.

I would all the suggestions that the other members have give you and build off it. Try to remain friends if you can.

BUT! Look after yourself and if she can't get pass who you are now I hate saying this but walk away.
It will be better for both of you.
And it will give both of you a chance to start your lives again.
but be there if she really needs you.
I don't know how else to say this.

if you need some to talk to just drop me a line. You are not alone.

Hugs
Julie.

[KellyJameson]

It is difficult to not personalize the behavior of our partners in relationships. She is taking your transition personally so by transitioning you are "doing it to her" much like how someone feels when they discover an extramarital affair.

There is going to be anger and possibly even moments of hate. If she does not believe in the concept behind misalignment than in her mind men and women are determined by their genitals so you are what your body is.

This will always make you a man in her mind, so transitioning will be an act done in delusion.

It is very difficult for those who have not lived through the nightmare of cross gender identification to understand it.

The more she personalizes it the greater the danger she could seek ways to punish you for hurting her. This increases in proportion to the degree she is also socially embarrassed.

When we are suffering we tend to be less sensitive to the suffering of others. Your transitioning to escape the suffering that comes with not transitioning (GD) unfortunately causes suffering in those who are emotionally invested in you "as a man". It is unavoidable.

This is probably the most difficult part of transitioning. Knowing that you may and probably will hurt others by doing so. My brother does not speak to me and my mother is "coldly tolerant" and it is only my father who has been accepting, which really surprised me.

Try to reassure her that it is not a failing on her part or even about her. She is not less of a woman because you are transitioning.

Give her room to be angry and hurt but also protect yourself from this by not blaming yourself or feeling guilty.

The mind can not live within a lie for long without experiencing mental illness. Sanity comes out of truth and if you identify as a woman because of identity than this is your core identity talking and you ignore it at your own peril.

it is impossible to escape your core identity because this has always been with you and is constantly reinforced "as you".

To go against this core identity is to live a lie and to live a lie will make you sick.

[Bria]

Erin, I am so sorry to hear of your hurt, divorce is never fun or easy for either party. The more that you can calm her down the easier the divorce will be, I wish you the best.

I'll remember you both in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are doing the right things it seems and it is to be expected that your wife will have BIG ups and downs over the next period of time...i am really happy to see your second post!!
If you keep doing what you are doing and hang in there, its a good chance you will stay amicable at worst and stay close and friendly...

also take the lawyer stuff seriously. YOu have no idea what the lawyer is telling her, you have no idea what your wife's lawyer is capable of..i found this out the hard way..in the end my wife's good nature won out and she didn't do all the awful things suggested by her lawyer(just some of them..hehe), so you do need to lawyer up even if its distasteful

Is there mediation in your province?? We mediated custody and it was actually a lifesaver and we ended up literally writing out our custody arrangement on a piece of paper and left only the money and property to the lawyers... it saved alot of money and let us survive the terrible process of "how to deal with the kids"

I wish you the best with your mom... my mom fell ill around the time i transitioned as well and it became a very sad time for my extended family so i know what its like
....you have to hang in there for all of them and for yourself and i've said many times the best thing you can do for everybody is to thrive and be productive..

[Michaella]

I fear I will soon be in the same situation. I don't know what to say except it is terrible and I am so sorry anyone should have to go through this.

Michaella

[HelenR2]

I am sorry that your wife lost her husband and I am sorry that you lost your wife but I am not so unhappy for your future. That looks brighter.