Do crossdressers feel compelled to have a SO or wife to" prove" they are not gay?

[cassiekat]

My need for a female to validate who I am is partly some mommy issues and I was subconsciously looking for my female side. I think that's why I slept with guys every now and again. Now that we know each other some problems are solved and others occurred. For the first time in my life I don't feel the need for a relationship of any kind. I do need friends however and am working slowly on that front. Not truly knowing both sides of me or whatever you want to call it has damaged me almost beyond repair and any relationship I entered was doomed to fail.

[FrancineS]

I tell those who don't know my lifestyle, that Francine is my girlfriend. I feel like that my relationship with Francine is the most important one to cultivate. Friends will always come along. Hang in there girl we have been there.

[Talisker]

No. I have a wife because I love her and like women in general even if it sometimes it is me dressed in the mirror. Seems rather stupid to be married to a woman if you really like men doesnt it?

But then Im really confused by your post. It seems a bit messed up because the text below it doesnt have anything to do with the question.

[cassiekat]

I am sorry for the confusion , I was throwing that question out there and then relating my personal experiences. I know I offend people quite easily and will not be one of the cool gang here. Just wanted people to think abit.

[Nadine Spirit]

Nope. I have a wife because I love her, like Talisker said.

I don't need to prove I am not gay to anyone, not even myself. I know I am not gay because men do not interest me sexually. I see no problem with being interested in guys. I just know that I am not.

[Katey888]

Some might, Cassandra... it's probably impossible to tell who and how many... :)

However, I think you'll find that the majority of us who are married are so because we met someone we rather liked, had a relationship, fell in love, and did the family thing... All somewhat straightforward and unexciting, but at least we have one large part of our lives that is seen by society as normal, yes...? :D

BTW, you're not the only one with divergent ideas or opinions here, and you're welcome to voice them if it gets us thinking - just be prepared for what might be politely voiced back. And as for the cool gang, not entirely sure where they hang out, I'm afraid a lot of us are probably just too ordinary to be really cool... ;)

Katey x

[cassiekat]

Thanks katey, The only time I got upset was when it seemed the other moderator was taking a big piece of my story out because it didn't fit this forum. It got me upset because I don't fit in anyone group and don't see why I must always be punished for it. By the herd I understand but I thought you had to have at least half a brain and understanding to be in any role of authority, but from what I've seen in the world that is actually a disqualifying factor: )

[Beverley Sims]

Cassie,
Marrying someone to prove a point just does not work.

If you are gay, why hide it.

If you are not there are plenty of girls out there you can relate to.

[Dana44]

Hi Cassiecat,

I have a girlfriend. I love her and she loves me. We communicate and have come to an understanding. I must say that I too have been alone for quite a while in my life. Some have found a person while in dress. I think that it is good to share a life with someone. I have been alone enough to know that. It would be good for you to find some girls for friends. I have also had relationships with men. Yeah, well they are, like not going to keep you... If you find a girl friend she would make going out fun.

[cassiekat]

Dana thanks for the open and honest feedback:) I am going to find a couple friends and slowly start rebuilding my life.

[Jenniferathome]

There is nothing to prove. I married my wife of 20+ years now because I love her. I chose a woman because I am not gay. I have not been gay since the time I could think about boys and girls.

[Donnagirl]

Like others, I'm married because I love my wife, I'm attracted to women and not even slightly curious viz a viz men/gay/bi...

Should this roller coaster ride drop me off in transition land I may have to rephrase that as I would be technically lesbian.

[BillieAnneJean]

I have a SO or wife because I love her and I just get so much fun out of being around her. She is my best friend.
But there seems to be an assumption in the thread title.

Being a CDer does not automatically make us gay. It doesn't make the odds any greater that we are gay. The possibility of being gay is a separate genetic function from being TS, TG, or a CDer.

So for SOs reading this thread, the best way to determine if your CDer is gay is to have honest and non emotional (as much as possible) communication between you.

[cassiekat]

Yes there is an assumption and it was not my assumption, it is the general stigma of society. I was open and honest about who I was to my second ex wife and she feigned understanding. She called me a faggot more times then most gay men heard it in their lifetime. I think being married to a woman did help my male side feel better about it, but in the end it just was a big mistake. My first wife who I just saw in over a decade never understood and I didn't tell her until we were married and apologized to her for that.

[Alice Torn]

Cassie, I am almost 61, have wanted a wife since i was 18. I used to be desperate, but the last several years, a reality check hit, and i am not desperate. I was looking with rose colored glasses for decades, putting women on a high pedestal. A wobbly throne indeed, different from weebles. Walking alone is ok, not bad. A person should be very cautious before getting involved with anyone, male or female. Nothing wrong with being strong einough to go alone. I know i was never ready for marriage financially, and emotionally, yet, at age 60. Friendship is good, though. One day at a time.

[Jilmac]

I've had two wives (both deceased) and now am dating a wonderful woman who is aware of my dressing but I feel no need to validate the fact that I'm straight. There is a common belief amongst the general public that any guy who enjoys wearing women's clothes must automatically be gay. Much of this belief is perpetrated by the entertainment media portraying crossdressers as limp wristed, lisping drag queens who dress more like hookers than everyday people.

Both my spouses knew I dressed but both also knew I am straight and the woman I'm dating now, knows as well. I don't have to convince myself that I'm not gay by having a relationship with a female, and I don't have to convince others. If some people have the opinion that crossdressers are all gay. I doube their opinion will ever change.

[cheryl reeves]

i married my so because i found someone who could stand me,i found yrs ago i could be friends with the guys but thats it,im attracted to women..

[RADER]

I married my Wife because I fell in love with her; And because I like girls, not boys.
I like girls so much, that I like wearing their clothes just to try and feel what it is
like to be a girl.
Rader

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Cassie,
Obviously, not all CDers are not gay, and for the hetero of us to
have an SO, or wife, is nothing more than the way we are.
Now proving to our SO, or wife, that we are NOT gay is another thread.
If your looking for true friends, just be yourself, you don't nessisarily have
to reveal all at once, but don't act like something your not.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Zoe B]

I married my wife as I could not imagine a future without her (love it is then), in fact I moved from England to Canada to be with her.

Amusing fact is she helped me discover that I enjoyed crossdressing.

As for popular opinions on men wearing women's clothes being 'different' I wonder if it is a need to put people into a category or just an inability to understand this world we find ourselves in.

I hope I have not said anything inappropriate..

Zoe xx

[Maria Blackwood]

I'm openly bi so imma gonna vote no. :D

[Eryn]

I had no clue about being a CDer when I married Mimi so I had nothing to prove. I married her because we loved each other as we still do.

[ReineD]

My need for a female to validate who I am is partly some mommy issues and I was subconsciously looking for my female side.


For the first time in my life I don't feel the need for a relationship of any kind.

A friend who is TS once said that for years she thought she was attracted to females. But then she discovered that it wasn't a romantic/sexual attraction, she was feeling rather "pulled" towards relationships with women because she felt akin to them, more like a sisterhood. Her male hormones got in the way (this was before she transitioned) and this is why she mistook it as a romantic/sexual attraction. She eventually did resolve it and now she knows she is attracted to males.

And then there are people who are emotionally attracted to or have bonded with women but they are sexually attracted to men so they cannot find "completeness" (don't know if this is the right word) in just one person. If they stay with the one they have bonded with and who fulfill their emotional needs, the sexual part is flat or lacking. Maybe this explains why there are so many "Would you ever date a man" or "What would your ideal boyfriend be like" threads here.

Maybe this is confusing for a lot of people, so they give up, telling themselves they don't need any relationships?

[bridget thronton]

I hope people do not marry for any reason but love. I do not care whether people try to tag with the gay label or not.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I know I offend people quite easily and will not be one of the cool gang here.

Nothing you've said so far remotely offends me, and I'm easily the coolest person in the entire gang apart from TinaZ- and I say that in all modesty.

This is a support site, and you can express whatever you're feeling, just keep it within the rules. We're not here to judge you, but what ever you can do to help us understand where you're coming from is much appreciated.

Hugs, Nikki

[PaulaQ]

I had relationships with women during my adult life, up until last year, because pre-transition, although I was attracted to men, gay men did NOT attract me, and I couldn't figure out how to be with a straight guy because, well, I looked like a guy. I was intensely lonely - feelings of alienation are part and parcel of being transsexual. And even if I had found a willing guy, this would not have been cool in Texas back in the 70's.

I mistook my desire to live as a woman, and my ability to relate to women, for attraction to women. Much like ReineD mentioned, my sex life was indeed lacking - I got very little out of it and in fact, by the end, I really did not want to have sex with my wife.

It's sort of a wonder I got married at all, much less twice, because a LOT of women read something different about me (some said this about me), and just couldn't be attracted to me. So when I realized at 18 that I wasn't likely to be able to transition, I decided to man the hell up, grow a beard, and get a girlfriend. (I'd managed to go through high school without one.)

So I got involved with my first wife to prove I was a man. I didn't think I was gay - I didn't understand that, either, because I definitely had crushes on guys, but they were all straight. Gay men I knew just did nothing for me - no interest on my part. I wasn't a gay man.

My second wife happened because, again, I was lonely, again I tried to be with a guy, and I just couldn't be attracted to any of the gay men I knew, and I really needed someone to help me with my young son from my first marriage.

After starting transition, I tried two more lesbian relationships, this time with trans women. Again, I was lonely, I'd always been with women, I still couldn't figure out how to get a guy, and most of us end up as lesbians anyway, so that's what I must be, right?

These relationships reinforced some things for me:
1. I hated sex with women. I got NOTHING out of it. I could mechanically do it, but it literally did nothing for me physically or emotionally. Nothing.
2. I hated being a lesbian! I hated lesbian bars. I did not identify with all the queer girls I knew. I didn't fit into that culture at all. I tried, but I hated it. Nothing wrong with it- but it just wasn't me.
3. For all the friends I made in the gay community where I live now, I really don't fit in here. I'm a straight woman.

So I started dating a guy, and I'll never look back.

BTW, I wish I had been a gay cisgender male rather than a straight trans woman. It would be many rungs higher on the social ladder, I wouldn't be spending thousands on transition related health care, and most people would understand what I was.

To recap: I married women to prove to myself and the world that I was a man. Proving I wasn't gay had nothing to do with it.

[cassiekat]

Paula thanks and thanks nikki for the support and info. Sexual I dig women, I was with guys because my mother told me gay men dress as women therefore I must be gay. Paula you hit a better way of putting it that I got married to prove I was a man. But my first wife was total love. My second wife was more of not being lonely and fitting into society, when I started dating her after our divorce I fell into love with her and she was bent on revenge or just hated my female side coming out to her. And my female side had little to do with how I was dressed. I was dressed as a man and I guess I stepped off the curb" girly" and she yelled at me.

[Kate Simmons]

I guess that would depend on whether we feel we have to "prove" anything to anyone. I don't. :)

[Jaylyn]

I don't consider myself gay in any form and I have a wife that love very much. I must admit though there are some very cute / beautiful CDs that really look like the GGs I have always chased until I found the love of my life. She accepts me and has made love to me dressed and undressed. We are happily married. I don't feel a desire to be with a man. I do find myself though wishing one day that I could find another CDer that is not gay and visit or at least have something in common with. I have hunting and fishing buddies why not have a CDing buddy. Someone close enough to dress and hang with. My wife has girl friends as friends only and not sexually attracted to so why can't CDers?
I am sorry you have not found friends either male or female to hang with. I hate the stigma that all CD'ers are gay.

[sometimes_miss]

Do crossdressers feel compelled to have a SO or wife
While I'm sure there are some that do that, I'd bet that most of us just 'feel compelled' because we like, and are sexually attracted to, women.

[reb.femme]

For my part, absolutely not. Why would I? I know there are many alleged straight guys that go with gay guys and they are not crossdressers. So, definitely not for me, but it takes all sorts to make the world turn.

Rebecca

[Tina_gm]

I suppose some CDers will be with women or marry because they feel a need to prove something. I think early on a lot of gay men do the same thing, either so people will not think they are gay or they just don't really know or understand, perhaps try to make themselves straight??

I am and have always been attracted to women, but I never have used that in all my time I tried to make myself not want to CD. A big part of me though tried to make myself not want to CD because of women, if that makes any sense.

[Shelly Preston]

I would say this was a question that is more historical.

It was the case in the past when members of the Gay community with a higher public profile chose to get married, to give the general public the impression of respectability.

These days I think there is far less chance of this happening.

I dont think people chose to get married anymore just to hide.

[CynthiaD]

I have long passed the age where I needed to prove anything to anyone, so my answer would be, no.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I don't have a GF in order to prove I'm not gay, but now I am in a relationship, I feel more able to be honest about my clothing choices and what it means to me. Sort of the same idea, but looked at from a different perspective, and with a different result, I think.

Cassie, I don't care if someone is "cool" or not, or whether they have the same attitudes as me, but I have to tell you I find it intensely frustrating trying to read posts that veer wildly from one topic to another, especially if they are not proofread before publishing. Wrong words, wrong spelling, and disjointed sentence structure are difficult at the best of times, when they end up causing confusion in important subjects, it tends to make me walk off in disgust. This post took about a half dozen corrections and rebuilds before posting, I wish more people would actually review their posts at least once before hitting submit. I've made some classic blunders myself, I don't require perfection, but when I can't actually understand clearly the point being made after 2 reads through.... life is too short.

[Tina_gm]

Here is an interesting thought that just popped into my head. I wonder if some of us have married or had relationships with women whom we highly suspect were not ok with CDing so it was a way in which it became a barrier for us not to CD. Since we alone could not control it, or stop it, we created something that would help us stop it?????? I am not saying marrying or being with women itself, just who we chose. Or that when we did marry, and a lot of said they thought now that they are married there wouldn't be CDing, but that when we did find our soul mate, we often would say or do things that would make it impossible for us to then be CDers? which of course later on proved to be disasterous in many cases.

[pamela7]

i suggest you begin a whole new thread with this one, Gendermutt, you're onto something I am sure.

xxx Pamela

[Kirsty Louise]

I choose to CD because it brings out my feminine side something I need to do to make me feel right, it has nothing to do with my sexual preference whether straight, bisexual or gay. I’m straight by the way happily married.

[Rhian]

I'm not out at the minute because I still live at home but I will be out eventually. When I am I wont try and validate it by marrying someone, I'm not interested in a relationship so wont be getting into one simply to prove a point.

[Lorileah]

what the gay community USED to do (and still does in some cases
BEARD-The boyfriend or girlfriend of a closeted homosexual, used to conceal their sexuality. They outgrew that stigma for the most part. Why do we perpetuate it? Again I stress, who you love and who you sleep with and in this case, who you marry...has NOTHING to do with what you wear

[Jeninus]

As in the case of what appears to be a majority here, I married because I loved, and still love, my wife. For me, personally, climbing into bed with a man would be a very repulsive act.

I suppose the reason the "Are you gay because you wear women's clothes?" keeps being asked is because it would appear to the uninitiated that we are trying to make ourselves attractive to men. And why would you want to appear attractive to men unless you are gay?

The other thing the muggles don't consider is that since gay men normally don't find women sexually attractive, what would be the purpose of making oneself as feminine as possible if the object were to attract the favours of a gay man? The penultimate possibility is that we are trying to make ourselves attractive to straight men - but then would come that moment when all would be revealed - and most straight men aren't into sex with other men, dressed as girls or not. The final possibility is that we are looking for that small group of men who are sexually attracted to gay transvestites. It's all very confusing, especially at first to our wives or SOs on first learning of our little secret.

One last thought: some of our transsexual friends check in from time to time and from them we learn a couple of things: a) many or most of them aren't interested in dressing up, simply getting on with their lives; b) many or most of them find that before or after transition they were and/or are attracted to straight men, as they are straight women.

[Tina_gm]

jenisus... Why so many assume we are gay is largely do to society and to the media. in the media, movies and such anyone who is TG is more or less automatically portrayed as over-sexualized and always looking for a man. how many straight guys are on ru pauls show??

Then take other shows like queer eye for the straight guy... gay men, very effeminate. And lets just face basic facts here. Gay men are GENERALLY more effeminate than straight men. Are there exceptions? absolutely and I know of a couple personally. But I know of gay men who fit the effeminate tag so well too, moreso than the exception. Yes, people need education that not every man who is a CDer is into other men, but to wonder why it seems so likely we who are attracted to women are stigmatized, the answers are quite obvious.

[Ceera]

I feel no such need, no. I was married to a woman that I loved for 30 years, while almost entirely ignoring any 'non-standard' inclinations and trying hard to live a straight and monogamous life. In the last few years of our marriage, I started underdressing - after both of my parents had died, and the two people I most feared finding out I was bi were beyond caring. But I didn't indulge in any greater amount of crossdressing out of respect for my wife's feelings and insecurities. She knew I was actually bi, but faithful to her 100%. She knew I had started wearing panties, but not that I wanted to take it further. I didn't indulge further until after she unexpectedly died of heart failure.

Now that I am widowed, single, and exploring all aspects of my life, my next relationship will, I hope, be someone who loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, including my crossdressing. Preferably even someone who likes the idea and will encourage me to do it as much as I want to. I don't know yet what the gender of that person may be, though a female is probably more likely - solely because I have more experience with female partners. Yet if I do meet a lady who really wants to be with me, but who can't accept me being 'Ceera' part time, I suppose Ceera can go back into the closet and my fantasies, and I'll stop cross dressing. Having a partner who cares for me and will share my life is more important to me than the crossdressing. But at no point would it be about denying my bisexuality. I can go either way, and I'm willing to be honest about that now, with anyone who has any reason to know my orientation.

[Denise Mary]

Dressing up makes me feel sexier. I like women and it is cool with me if they get turned on by my dressing for them and being their "little girl."

[Tracii G]

I have been married twice and now I don't even want to entertain the thought.
Of course there were times I did things to prove I wasn't gay but deep down inside I always knew I was.
The thing is just be yourself and do what makes you feel good. That way you can figure out just who you are on your own terms.

[Lee Andrews]

I'm not gay so I'm not compelled to marry a woman. Found one that loves me for me, that's why I married her.

[Tracii G]

Lee people like you have the best of both worlds and that is very special.

[Leah Lynn]

I think I married while in the Man Up stage, to prove I was all male, nothing to do with sexual preference. I was in the navy then, had a beard, and volunteered for combat duty (didn't go with a unit or ship, but went on "assignments"). I helped form a bike club (gang), and worked at manly occupations. All in denial of being trans.

That was then, but Baby, look at me now!

Leah

[Confucius]

I did not have a SO or even a girlfriend until I was in my mid-30's. This is only because of low self-esteem and poor social skills. However, I never once even entertained the thought that I may be gay. I was always attracted to females, and loved everything feminine. In my mind females where the privileged gendered, and I admired them without limits. When I crossdressed, my mind would imagine I was in contact with a female.

So I would have to say that I never needed to prove anything about my orientation.

[Lollipop]

Cassie - you have been through the wringer. I haven't had half as much a story as you but still - I think you have found a lot of support here - just like me - and it makes you strong.
People fall in and out of love - no magic formula - no set persuasion - we come in all shapes and sizes - you will like what YOU like and be damned with everyone else. But the main thing is to let love take you - if it be a woman, man or pint of Guinness it's your choice :-)
Jessie

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Frankly I've never found anything remotely attractive about the male body or aesthetic in general. Bony, hairy, muscular, sweaty, smelly, rough, heavy, utilitarian...blech. Soft, hairless, smooth, sweet smelling, light, pretty--that's what I like. As a partner, and how I would like to be myself. So no, I didn't marry to prove I wasn't gay. I found a beautiful, caring, lovely woman in all respects. So I married her. Hell, I'd like to be her!

[carahawkwind]

I certainly didn't get married to prove I'm not gay, but getting married, finding a wife that accepted by dressing and starting a family certainly didn't hurt my overcoming the anxieties I had about my non-normative attributes, it's good to know I don't need to completely conform and still have those things.

[Alice_2014_B]

I didn’t start fully cross-dressing until after I got married (now the second time).
:)

[Love Dove]

I have a gf because I like having a female partner in my life, although I gotta say the thought of males thing when I'm dressed does make my head spin a bit, that's the only time I think about it. I cannot imagine myself with a guy, I am one myself and I think if I would have to live with one I would kill him haha.

[Chrissi]

I agree with everything that has been said...I am openly gay and proud of it. I am slowly starting to come out of my girl closet now too, but I never felt the need to marry a woman to prove I wasn't gay. CD or not, many gay men married (women), not to prove they weren't gay, but to fit in, to do what was expected, social pressures, and denial (sounds like trying to prove they weren't gay, but it truly is something different.)

Shibumi, lol, that is exactly what I love about a man...strong, masculine, hairy, musclely, sweaty sometimes, rugged, and all around sexy.


Frankly I've never found anything remotely attractive about the male body or aesthetic in general. Bony, hairy, muscular, sweaty, smelly, rough, heavy, utilitarian...blech. Soft, hairless, smooth, sweet smelling, light, pretty--that's what I like. As a partner, and how I would like to be myself. So no, I didn't marry to prove I wasn't gay. I found a beautiful, caring, lovely woman in all respects. So I married her. Hell, I'd like to be her!

[cassiekat]

Hey thanks everyone for the feedback and personal stories.

[crystal37]

I don't have an SO and as such I frequently feel really lonely, I often wish I could have another girl around so we could go shopping for clothes shoes etc together and just be girly with, on the other hand I am attracted to men too and don't really know what I want, but if I got married it would be for love and not just to prove I'm not gay.

[Lee Andrews]

Lee people like you have the best of both worlds and that is very special.

I got lucky. Told her early on and she stuck around.
When I was younger I always thought I must be gay for wanting to dress up but I never had an attraction to men. Thank god for the Internet, I realized I wasn't the only straight guy doing this.
I got married for all the traditional reasons. CDing was a part of me she accepted, somewhat reluctantly these days.

[Samantha_Smile]

You make the assumption that CD's are gay??