Beginning HRT, dipping my toe in the pool!

[Heidi Stevens]

Today I started on a low dose of Estrogen and Spiro and hopefully I can now start to resolve the conflict between my brain and my body. I am starting by "dipping my toe in" the hormonal pool. I'm doing this for two reasons. The first is I'm trying to get my GD in order and second I'm trying to maintain my marriage by still trying to present as a male for my wife.

I know this has been discussed here about trying to have it both ways, but personally I think I have to try this therapy path first. My wife is not keen on my "hobby" and I'm trying to make her feel assured that I'm still the person she married, but Heidi's been here the whole time and she needs to be met too.

I hoping this first step is a way that I can control my needs and meet my wife's as well. We'll see after a few months on the meds. If things need adjustment, I can always up my meds if needed and hope my wife understands. Forward!

[Kris Avery]

Heidi,

After the warm welcome I have received in the past about my middle of the road transition attempts...I hope others can be more supportive and understanding this time around the block.

I for one will start by congratulating you and wish you the best experience possible.

I hear you have a great gynecologist and therapist so that's a great start.:devil:

Wendy

[Kate T]

Heidi

I am a strong advocate that you do what you think is best for you and there is certainly more than one way to skin a cat (How many mixed metaphors can I put in one sentence).

BUT please, please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, IF you are doing this in order to help your wife, SHE needs to be on board with this decision. If SHE is OK with this plan then you have a chance I think. If however it is your idea and you are hoping she will "come around" I am concerned, and in particular I think you have an obligation to be truthful with your wife as to what you are doing.

[Donnagirl]

Heidi,

I'm with you... I'm about two months in and really noticed the calmer, less moody, angry and grumpy me. Keen to up dosage and ride new non-rollercoaster ride. Hope your wife appreciates the changes, physical and non physical as much as mine does. I'm an infinitely better person to live with now.

Hugs,

Donna

[wanagione]

Heidi, good luck with your transition. I'm only a couple of months behind you. My letter is waiting for me. I hope you find the answers you are looking for on you journey.

[STACY B]

Hey wait for me ,,lol,, I am riding too ,, I guess we shall see where it takes us all ?

[Heidi Stevens]

Thanks for all your support, ladies! This is one of those life changing decisions that you want to get right the first time.

Adina, my wife is on board for this first step. She has educated herself since I came out to her last May. She in no way endorses my changes, but realizes that for our relationship to continue, some compromises are going to have to be made.
This is why Im starting slow in hope that over time she will continue to accept the outcome from my needs.

[Ann Louise]

Good luck with the dual existence Heidi. That's very difficult on everyone concerned. HRT is slow but steady and you might find you can't do the male thing for very long. All the best, Ann

[Rianna Humble]

I am starting by "dipping my toe in" the hormonal pool. I'm doing this for two reasons. The first is I'm trying to get my GD in order and second I'm trying to maintain my marriage by still trying to present as a male for my wife.

I hope that you can succeed, it is an established fact that some people can manage their Gender Dysphoria in this way, but that others find that the Dysphoria increases to the point where they need to transition. For the sake of your marriage, I hope you are in the first group, but it would be remiss of me not to point out the possibility of you being in the second group.


After the warm welcome I have received in the past about my middle of the road transition attempts...I hope others can be more supportive and understanding this time around the block.

I have reviewed your thread about your middle-path decision and you were offered and acknowledged good support (just not mindless cheer leading). The only difficulty I have is understanding the use of "transition" to describe moving from a male presentation to male on hormones. A transition in my experience has a start and an end point such as male to Female or Female to Male.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I"m a big supporter of trying as hard as you can to not transition..
Btw, it can cut both ways and be a slippery slope, i would not be surprised if in your heart of hearts you have a good idea of whether this will bring you what you are hoping for.

Don't transition unless you have to... (Are we still allowed to say that?)

[Eringirl]

Good Luck Heidi! I hope it does work for you. You are the only one that can judge what is going to work for you. That did not work for me. My wife is not on board with any of this. But that is just my situation.

Hope it goes well for you!

[Heidi Stevens]

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I do realize that I am walking a fine line on a slippery slope with bad shoes and no safety rope. (Yup, I know the dangers. :)). The therapist and I concluded that I have taken the best course of treatment as I can always increase dosage to find the point where I am comfortable. And should the results be that I have to transition, so be it, but I will lose my best friend along the way.

She is aware that transtion can happen and I have told her I would leave before that point. She's hanging in now because she knows I'm doing my best to meet her expectations of marriage.

BTW, as a lot of you older ladies know, the physical act has not been part of love for each other for years now. So my lack of performance in that area will not be factor. One day at a time!

[PretzelGirl]

My heart and well wishes are with you Heidi. Ever since I got on this board (as a supposed CD'er) I have said that if it is possible, there is at least one person like that. I don't ever want to discount something as that would be discounting someone's dreams.

There are CD'ers who have quit.
There are those that found a middle path and settled in nicely.
There are those that had great transitions.

If something is what you truly want, I wish it for you. The best of luck Heidi as you are driven by love and there is no better reason in the world for anything to me. That may just be my opinion, but I am an old softy. :D

[Heidi Stevens]

Thank you for your comment, Sue. You have nailed why I'm taking the approach that I am. As an old Civil Engineering professor once told us: There is more than one road to Chicago from here". You take the road that you think will get you there. Hugs.

[HollySmtms]

Heidi, you have clearly put a lot of loving thought into your decision and I admire your patience and desire to balance all in your life that is important to you. I wish you all the best in your evolution and in your relationship, I really hope it all turns out exactly the way you wish it to.

[Bria]

Heidi, best wishes for you and your wife in the months ahead. I'll remember you both in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[charlenesomeone]

Adding my hope for all the best for you. Please keep us updated on your journey.
Mega Hug

[RylieCD]

Heidi, I wish you all the best, I have talked to my dr about this path but not my wife yet. I know I need to find my balence just not sure if it is with meds yet. Good luck to you

[Christina Kay]

I hope you find the balance point. Been low dose 9 months now. I'm alot easier to live with now. And yes it is a slippery slope. The GD gets dialed down some, to where it's actually manageable, which allows better decision making. The blessing for me is now I can live that middlepath for the foreseeable future. Best of luck ,,, Hugs Christina ��

[Karen62]

Heidi, I am really glad you are taking a thoughtful approach to this -- it's a big step. And what is even more important is that you have acknowledged the possible contingency that this may not be enough for you and what the consequences will be at that at point. You understand it all, and are prepared to do what you need to do, and then accept what might happen as a result. Very wise, my dear. It won't be easy, but if you are like me, it hasn't easy just getting to this point in our lives (I just started HRT 3 weeks ago).

I wish you and your wife all the best, and I hope you find and can sustain that elusive middle path. In my case, when I finally accepted myself (and that took a hell of a long time to do!), I had no spouse or SO, so now I am just moving forward with transition -- at my own pace, of course. So far, so good, but I've only picked the low-hanging fruit so far, and at least I acknowledge that fact. There's so much more to do, and it is scary at times when I foolishly look at the entirety of it, so I keep my head down and mostly just look at next steps, and I cope. But I steadily move forward anyway -- because I simply have to. At this point, resistance is futile.

Karen

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Heidi my friend, just be happy, healthy & at peace within you. Mel

[Julie Denier]

Heidi, I hope this helps you find happiness and peace of mind ;)

[lesliecleves]

7 weeks low-dose HRT for me, stopping for3-4 days twice lately due to guilt because I haven't told my wife (which I had told myself I must do before I start). I have felt better mostly, but the episodes of guilt and fear are stark reminders of my dilemma.

[Heidi Stevens]

Leslie, I hope you have included counciling in your treatment. My therapist has helped me greatly to face any fears in my progression and gave me insite into how to tell my wife. There is no other way to get past your current state but to confront the problem. You must tell your wife. Be strong.

[Kate T]

Adina, my wife is on board for this first step. She has educated herself since I came out to her last May. She in no way endorses my changes, but realizes that for our relationship to continue, some compromises are going to have to be made.
This is why Im starting slow in hope that over time she will continue to accept the outcome from my needs.

That is great and I am glad that you are together on this. Continue to be mindful of her feelings as well and just be careful as it is easy to slip into treating her like a child that needs to be taught the "correct" response. She is her own human being. If she comes along with you voluntarily then nothing will be able to stop the two of you together.

A couple of posts in this thread and another stimulated a thought that concerned me. Whilst there seems to be a fair bit of evidence that HRT will help significantly to alleviate much GD, what it most definitely does NOT do is suddenly fix all of your relationships. IF you are having difficulties in your relationship with your partner then you need to talk and communicate with them, you don't need HRT to do that. Now maybe, just maybe, when you do communicate with them they see that perhaps you do need to pursue something to help manage your GD. It seems to me, though this is a purely personal feeling and impression, that the relationships that survive transition are the ones where the partner had an equal say in the process. That means they know and agree with decisions to start HRT or surgery or social coming out or coming-out at work. So we need to be mindful of how these decisions affect those around us, yes it is important to be happy in ourselves, but I think it is equally important to strive for the happiness of others, especially our loved ones. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

[lesliecleves]

Many wonderful supportive threads here. I am in therapy with empathic and expert counselor. I guess I'm just afraid. Thank you particularly Heidi. I know you are spot on with your comments.

[Tina955]

Hi Heidi thank you for responding to my thread on low dose HRT.
Really hoping things work out for you and with your wife. Keep us posted for sure.

Tina

[SandraV]

Hello Heidi,

Just catching up on this board and find this news. Wish you the very best as you take this massive step. I hope you find that elusive middle path some of us look for. Do keep in touch. I'm right behind you on this road and very rapidly heading down the low dose HRT path.