Looking outside my marriage.

[Gia Villafana]

I know I am going to get totally lambasted for this. I looked around the internet for a CD forums that would be more understanding, or maybe give me the answers and support that I want, but this is by far the best community and I want to share this, even if it means opening myself up to harsh criticism.

Here is strike one: I'm closeted and my wife doesn't know about Gia. She would NOT be understanding of my need to dress, this is supported by discussions around the subject. So there's strike two: I'm not going to tell her. I've been dressing since the 5th grade, and, before I met my wife, I had purged and quit dressing altogether, hoping it was behind me. But shortly into the marriage, I began collecting clothes again, then finally, forms, and before long I had my stash. I only get to dress when my wife goes out of town, which is rare.

When I am in guy-mode, I am attracted to women only. Call it self-delusion or a coping mechanism, but when I am Gia, I am attracted to guys and TS/CDs. When I'm logged into the Gia-side of my computer, even though I'll be in drab, my brain will switch over, and I'm Gia and I'm fantasizing about being with CDs or men. Before I got married, I had only one encounter with a guy that I never saw again. I haven't told anyone about that.

I've been looking for someone to experiment with as Gia. On the bright side, I've been ultra careful to find someone in a similar situation, that understands the need (and has the same need) to be safe and to keep our partners safe by not sleeping around Craigslist. So to that point, I've still not found that person, and that's ok. I just desperately need to share this side of me with another person...not just the intimacy, but having a friend that I can be myself around.

So let me have it; tell me how wrong it is and how I'm an awful person. I've been around here long enough to know how you all will react, but I'm hoping someone can speak some wisdom into this duality that I'm trying to find here. Thanks.

[Marcelle]

Hi Gia,

I am not going to tell you that you are a horrible person or cast stones in your direction because to be honest, I am not a beacon for moral properness. You are an adult and you need to make your own decisions in life.

What I can say is that if you are having these feelings "guy or girl" then perhaps it is time to discuss this with your wife (not the CDing albeit it is integral to the issue) but your thoughts of being with someone else. I would hazard a guess that there are other issues going on in your relationship with your wife that could probably be addressed through some counseling or discussion. In this case it is the fair thing to do.

Hugs

Isha

[charlenesomeone]

Gia, no judgement at all, just wondering, if you find someone, and develop an emotional
attachment, where do you see it going?
Mistakes, I have made a few, but I try to think longer term now. Do what your heart leads you to
do, just know the possible outcomes.
Hugs

[char GG]

Why don't you fess up to your wife and give her a choice in whether she wants to stay or leave? Do you think that you are the only one who gets to choose what you want to do????? She is going to be hurt in way or another eventually because of all of the reasons that you outlined below:

"So let me have it; tell me how wrong it is and how I'm an awful person"

[pamela7]

Without writing an essay: there is nothing inherently wrong with a person having many partners of whichever gender. Society has imposed a monogamous moral code that only works for a minority of people, though most rub along with it. Nonetheless, you married, you made promises of fidelity. If you plan to break those promises the courageous thing to do is to come out with it, to express your true nature. It might also be stupid and careless because of the social and economic situation in which you live. Only you can make the decision, but really: tell her or stay faithful, anything else will cause wounds.

[Teresa]

Gia,
There's a big gap between fantasy and reality ! Before going down that road maybe try and be out more with your CDing ! I know that's easier said than done because of your situation with your wife !
It gets harder living with two sides of you when one has to be hidden all the time, and not knowing exactly where you want your CDing to go !
Maybe finding a group would help to decide what your inclinations are, it's possibly your safest option !

[kimdl93]

I'm also not going to tell you what you already know. What I'm going to say is more along the lines of be prepared for the inevitable.

[Katey888]

Gia - you've anticipated the criticism and you know it will probably arrive - laden with the usual hypocrisy and moralising we've all come to recognise as folk miss your closing sentence, so let me address your brave post with some support and an attempt at some common sense... :)

Firstly, I can match your two strikes: my wife (nor any of my family) knows nothing about this side of me and I have no intention to reveal. So I'm already cast adrift in that purgatory boat with you and a few others here. Try to remember once the moralising begins in earnest, MOST of the members here are out to their SOs/ wives so that tends to weight the intensity and direction of response... a bit like having tee-totallers counsel alcoholics some of the time, but it's an opinion-based forum so you have to take that as read. :)

What you describe (the 'brain switch' when dressed) I don't experience myself but there are many here who talk of this in the same way you do here: as a fantasy. Seems like you probably would take that into reality if you had a chance, but you also combine that with saying that you desperately need to share this part of you with someone and I can totally empathise with that but I'd suggest that those two aspects might be completely separate things, so let's treat them as such and address the latter first.

I have found a much better balance with dressing since experiencing a couple of outings and presumably developing a better understanding of why and how I need to do this thing - some of that, I believe is related to having the femme side of me validated by people that I have interacted with while dressed, some CDers, some just ordinary folk. While it is unlikely that I would share much of this side of me with anyone, I know that there are groups out there where I could do this and I'm sure there would be for you too. You might find that something like that would give you the sharing you need, or you may find it leads to the friendship you obviously seek - I'd strongly suggest giving that a try first.

As to the acting on fantasy part - well, maybe that would be tempered by having other friendships en femme, maybe not. You have to set your own values for that. There'll be those who hurl fire and brimstone at you here - that's just their personal, one-off opinion. Look around at the world today and the statistics are pretty compelling to suggest that one or more of most married couples is unfaithful - I have been in the past (to a previous SO) and more than once... You have to live with any consequences of that so I'd suggest you think very carefully about what may be the outcome before making any rash decisions, and maybe try the safe(r) option before that? You obviously have to consider the impact this may have on your wife (as all we closeted folk do) and that is your assessment and your decision alone. I do get the impression that many folks fantasies don't live up to expectations, but sometimes you never know unless you try, right..? Your choice on that one - I wish you luck... :hugs:

And hopefully the really sanctimonious stuff will just remain unposted... ;)

Katey x

[chelyann]

Gia
It's time for you to slow down and figure out who , what , where you want to be .
Then talk to your wife and see what she wants to do.
Good luck

[mykell]

ITS WRONG......sounded like you wanted to hear that, oh yea your an "awful person"....and that too....:straightface:

:sb: so it sounds like your pretty normal, you have fantasies, not a bad thing....you do however have some responsibility to the mrs. as their are some assumed rights with your intimacies with each other, if they are defined and your within your boundaries than have at it with the fantasy world.....if not some discussion should be had.

do remember "curiosity killed the cat"

[DonnaT]

You are not the first, and won't be the last, to prefer guys (or other CDs) only when cross dressed.

You, of course, readily admit to knowing that adultery is wrong. Note that in your situation, it can be dangerous as well.

Some couples, however, can enjoy other partners by having a girls night out and/or double dating, which is relatively safer. Maybe you could get your wife on board for something like that.

[JeanetteX]

Gia, you're not wrong and you're not an awful person. We're all different people with our own feelings and emotions and we just have to deal with it no matter how hard this can be at times. And believe me....I recognise your feelings towards men when dressed. I used to have the same 'problem' but it all faded over time. I'm not married but I did tell a very close female friend about my dressing a few years ago. This was the big turn around in my life, I felt relieved and realised I was 100% straight. What I'm trying to say is it would be best to somehow find a way to talk to your wife about it. I understand it must be a big step for you but the end result could be amazingly refreshing.

Good luck with it and all the best

Jeanette

[Melissa Rose]

Gia, beyond what appears to be partially a somewhat common fantasy, it seems like you are looking for someone to share this part of yourself that is out of bounds with your wife. Instead of jumping into a sexual relationship, have you considered finding a suitable TG group in your area? Just finding others like yourself and with whom you can be open with is often a big relief and a release to the tension and pressure built up by having to maintain a deep secret. This may be enough to satisfy your desire to share with someone else and help keep what is perhaps a fantasy as a fantasy in your mind and not something real that could have serious consequences. If after finding a few friends you still have a need for a more intimate relationship then you can examine your motives and reasons, and, perhaps with the aid of a counselor or therapist, dig deeper into what is going on and decide upon your next steps. Good luck in finding your path.

[Krisi]

First of all, cheating is cheating. It doesn't matter if you dress up as a female and have sex with a guy, it's still cheating.

Second, strapping on a pair of boobs and a wig doesn't change who you are. From your stated desires, you are bisexual or at least really want to experiment and feel what it's like to have sex as a woman. Of course, you can't actually do that, you don't have the equipment.

I suspect most of us have wondered at some time what it feels like to be "on the bottom" but most of us just leave it at that, wondering or fantasizing.

For you, my advice is to take some time to think seriously about your marriage, whether you love your wife enough to be faithful, and whether you are satisfied with heterosexual life. It's your choice but it deserves a lot of thought. Is one night of strange sex worth a lifetime of regret?

[tracigirl_tv]

Gia, I read SO MUCH of my own story when I read your post. A great deal of doubt, guilt and excitement taking turns doing their thing on me. I won't even begin to advise, much less criticize. There are already plenty here for that.

Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you sharing with this group. I wish you the best as you struggle along, as so many of us have (and do).

Sending you hugs (unless, of course, you are a Cowboys fan) *giggle*

Traci

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Dallas/Fort Worth? Let's meet at the United check-in at midnight?? I'll bring the champagne, you bring the French poodle!

xxNikki

[Alice Torn]

Have you ever watched the CW network show, called, "Cheaters?" Watch it, and you may have a new outlook. A support group, or therapist may help, , slowly getting into a civil discussion with your wife. I am single, but also have fantasies of being with a non married gentleman, just to model, sometimes, but only when dressed up. I get rejected as too picky, not willing to do some things! Very cautious.

[Rachael Leigh]

Gia you have a very tough issue here and most here are going to be a great support however I think it may be time to find a counselor who can help. Hiding this part of you from your wife is very difficult and I agree with Melissa that you may be just looking for someone who supports you in being Gia. Either way the hiding part can be hard on you and eventually it may come out and not in the way you want it to.
Leigh

[Stephanie47]

I will concur with others that sometimes fantasies will far exceed the actual event. You made a commitment to your wife. I'd suggest you resolve that issue before you start bed hopping with men, whether they are en femme or en homme. Your wife deserves at least that much. Sure, if you come clean with her, she may kick you out. But, at least she'll have the opportunity to "get out early." I see no reason for a woman to be strung along in your fantasy world, if in fact you are going to act upon those fantasies.

If you're looking for some outlet for cross dressing, why not join a support group? And, seek counseling with a person qualified to assess you.

[Isabella Ross]

Gia...thanks for a refreshing and honest post. All I would add is that I think Stephanie has a good idea...you might want to spend some non-sexual time with some other TGs and see how you feel about taking it further after that.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Gia
No judgement, I went back to your picture posts, it looks like you have very little body hair or wax, and I love your brows
Are you sure your wife hasn't figured a few things out all by herself?

[Helen_Highwater]

Katie post #8 stole my thunder.

On reading your post my thoughts immediately were before heading down the one on one personal interaction you need to find a group scenario within which you'll have the opportunity to talk through just where you are, and how you got there, on your CD'ing journey.

Having attended my first group meeting less than a week ago I can attest that it is hugely therapeutic. Hearing the stories of others and how they resemble your own, their trials and tribulations, their coping strategies, all these things help to give a perspective to your own situation and feelings.

You may find that just having someone to talk to who is understanding of your plight will forefill your needs and not take you down a path that could prove massively destructive in your current relationship.

[Lorileah]

to the responses so far:clap:. No one really attacking the OP. Glad to see how adults can share.

Morals...set by society mostly to control something that can be bad for society. Now, in modern times some of those rules may not really be pertinent in many situations.

So here's where the personal thoughts come in. Monogamy was made to keep heirs "pure". It isn't a normal human attribute (otherwise there would be no affairs). So your feelings are not abnormal. There are other unintended at the time side effects of monogamy. Less disease, better family life. So you have to choose if the side effects of an affair will be advantageous. They have been mentioned...your wife could leave, you could find someone new and leave your wife, you could catch something that will effect your wife. Remember, people lie when they are wanting a sexual relationship.

I am no angel. I have done a LOT of things that I am not proud of all in the name of pleasure. I have learned a lot from those same encounters. I know I am "poly" so jealousy as far as partners goes is small. Thus the argument of finding someone else, well in my world that may not be a negative, it may actually expand my family. Most others aren't that way.

But the major concern, for me, about your looking outside the marriage is disease. You can try and be 100% safe, but trust me, it doesn't work. Nothing is 100% except monogamy. And places like Craigslist or other "hookup" sites scare me. Your health is at risk. Then your wife's health is at risk if you keep it a secret.

I think you are following a fantasy here. Most fantasies are no where close to what real life is like. It sounds like fun in your mind because you control everything there. Take it from a "player" in fantasy it isn't as good and often is worse than you can even imagine.

Be as safe as possible

[Alice_2014_B]

I highly recommend disclosing all of this to your wife, though it is quite a bit going on. Really hope for the best. Communication is key.
:)

[Amy Fakley]

Yeah that's the thing ain't it? Whether or not you attach the label of "wrong" or "ok" to it, the end result is going to be heartbreak. For both you and your wife.

is that an outcome you're willing to deal with? If so, great! You've made an informed decision at least. Your wife, of course would not have that luxury in this scenario, and that does strike me as intentionally hurtful.

Going through with what you are talking about, is a lot different than just having a little crossdressing secret in the closet.

Is it fairly common for folk like us to have fantasies of this nature? Absoloutely! I would say that's almost normal. Following through on them to the extent of sleeping with other people, without your wife's knowledge? If you're looking for "permission" from an Internet forum, you already know the answer.

[CONSUELO]

Be very careful as this may all end in tears. First seriously consider going to counseling to find "yourself" and what you want from life. At some point you have to come out to your wife. Hiding cross dressing is very difficult and imposes a great penalty on you and on your wife.

That said, the feelings you have are not wrong but you have to deal with them in the right way.

[Jenniferathome]

It's wrong. A 5 year old would tell you it's wrong. Cheating on your wife is plain and simply wrong. There is no counter argument to this.

Now, I also think you are wrong about telling your wife. Whatever conversations have resulted in your belief are NOT about you. You are her husband. While certainly shocking, as your wife, she will likely be more understanding than otherwise. By the way, what happens when she catches you having sex with a man? Cross dressing will pale in comparison.

[AndreaCalifCD]

Although you mention that you're not going to tell her, as she wouldn't understand about the CDing etc, isn't there a way you could involve her? Perhaps suggesting that, and starting from there might help? Plus, it'd be nice and safe (i.e. disease free) for you.

[franlee]

To cheat or commit adultery would be Wrong period! The nature of your thread says to me you already know and have pondered it. The real reason for asking is to see if there is anyone else that may have a justification you could relate to and haven't thought of. So my advise is do what you already know is Right. Or be honest with your wife and then take the consequences and move on with your life. She or anyone deserves the facts so they can make their decision as well, because it does affect them and could result in a very dangerous situation.

[CarlyJ]

I understand life in the closet as that is where I am as well. I came out and talked with my wife(whom I love dearly), saw a therapist, and I was advised that my CDing was a sexual addiction. I wanted to believe that. Went to meetings for it, and now three years later, I have my stash again, and dress when I can. I have normal and regular sex with my wife and love it. My wife and I have been married 39 years, have children and grandchildren, and I am the oldest member of a very large extended family. I do not go on chat sites, but I just joined Crossdressers.com and like the rules with limits on pics and language. Still, my CDing makes me feel complete. I started dressing when I was six. Good luck!
Carlyj

[Barbara Dugan]

I am never been married but when I was closeted I used to chase and pursued married guys and while it was exciting for a moment always left me feeling guilty and empty.
I am now on a monogamous relationship and I can do all the same and more things I used to do when I was on affairs with married guys without the guilty feelings.
Being bisexual and married must be tough, I wish you the best of luck

[Beverley Sims]

You are right you are being totally lambasted over this.

Who is number one in your life.

After yourself of course.

[Cristee]

Gia, I think you should discuss and tell her! After 5 years of hiding and dodging, purging and starting over and over. I told her when she found a reciept from a second hand store the item said BRA $ 2.00. She said why does this say Bra, then I just could not hold any more and told her. We talked and talked for several days, now we shop, do make up together.
Talk about heels and my style of dressing trashy hooker outfits. I go out to the clubs something and hang around and have fun. Hope some day my wife will go with me. But our lifes together is stronger. I my glad she knows everything.

[Terrylynn]

Marriage is a commitment between 2 people with the explicit expectation of exclusivity. It is a bond, or contract, which should not be tossed aside for cheap thrills. For anyone who is thinking about cheating on your spouse please think of how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Greenie]

Unless you have an agreement of an open marriage, cheating is unacceptable. There is no reason to consider this without talking to her. Keeping cding is bad enough, but infidelity is dangerous. To her and you.

Exposing her to disease so that you can continue to cd, have your sexual experience, and keep your wife. Is a sign of a lack of respect for her. Do you self and her a favor, tell her. Hanging onto her in order to have your cake and eat it too will end up worse. If you cheat and she gets sick, that's a really expensive divorce and a price you both will have to pay for the rest of your lives. Unfair that she doesn't get a say in the rest of her life.

[CherylFlint]

I’m not a marriage counselor but I’ll say this: it won’t last. You owe it to yourself to be truthful. And, even more important, you owe it to your SO.
I read your post to my wife and my wife said that a lot of women would really like her man being as a CD.
In my case, when my wife wants to see Cheryl, she tells me.
In your case you are reaping the whirlwind, as the saying goes. You lied to your SO and are lying to her now.
There are many reasons why each of us “dress”. For me, it’s the total sense of relaxing. I enjoy being Cheryl. She’s part of me, a very important part.
Here’s the point: you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
You don’t have to like men to be a CD, you know.
I wonder if your SO knows.
Good luck to you but, at some point, you’re going have to spill the beans.
My wife says to show her some posts of girls who learned to accept it.
My wife makes a game of it, as if I’m her Barbie Doll to dress. Works for me.
My wife’s biggest kick is taking me to wig stores while I’m in drab and she tells the SA to fit me for a wig. Let me say this: the SA’s get a kick out of it.
Hey, it CAN BE FUN.
My wife and I’ve been married for about 20 years.
On our first date I told her that I’d like to “dress”. She invited me over to her apartment that weekend to see if she could handle it. When I came out of the bathroom her first ords was “Let me help you with your makeup”.
So there you are. My wife is happy calling the shots and I’m happy that she’s happy.
Good luck.
My wife says your wife ought to “Get with it”.
DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE.
What, you want to take a chance on giving her AIDS or something? DON'T CHEAT!

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Gia, you asked for constructive advise & you got very sageful advise. Please leave your fantasy to your imagination. Your conscience will haunt you forever should you stray from your wife. Live to cd; love & honor your wife. Much peace, mel

[MissTee]

Wow, that has to be tough to work through and I won't be judgmental. I love my wife deeply and deceiving her would just rip me apart. Maybe you are feeling some of that? Also, I have never been attracted to men. Dressed as a man, as a woman, as a circus clown or even a water buffalo -- men are men and I am not attracted to them. I can't imagine then the internal conflict you face. I do wish you the best of luck sorting it out.

[Jeninus]

Here is strike one: I'm closeted and my wife doesn't know about Gia. She would NOT be understanding of my need to dress, this is supported by discussions around the subject. So there's strike two: I'm not going to tell her.

This is the key to your problem. You have to evaluate how important your marriage is to you, how well you really know your wife, and how rigid she actually is on the subject. It sounds as though you've danced around the topic, and she may have had the usual Eeww! reaction, without knowing how close the situation may be to her life. If you do love her, then you should take the chance, sit down with her and have the "discussion." You can expect that there will be a period of a few days when she will decide whether or not she wishes to remain married to you.

My guess is that for most women, in a reasonably strong marriage, it isn't a deal breaker. If she actually does love you and is OK (though not necessarily thrilled) with your CDing - then boundaries will be set, and you will probably find that you can live with them and be a happy person, even if the limits are DADT. By the way, that photo of me on the left was taken by my wife this past Xmas, and my presents included a couple of nice skirts and lingerie. It CAN happen...although I was caught, in flagrante, 2 years into my marriage some 42 years ago. You at least would have the chance to set the time and place.

If it is a deal breaker, then you will be set free to follow your muse. Perhaps your next SO will be the perfect match - if you (lesson learned) tell her about your CDing at the outset and she's OK with it. But unless you have an open marriage, cheating will eat your soul.

[Jenniferathome]

What are you really going to do? You obviously expected these replies. Are you hoping that the weight of the replies will somehow "control" you?

you have big issues at home. You obviously don't care about your wife, so why stay married? Divorce and then you can think only of yourself without hurting another.

[Kate T]

Gia

It is not "Duality" that you are feeling / expressing, it is selfishness. I agree with Jennifer.
Lori, yes health is a big concern BUT a bigger concern is that Gia is taking away her wife's ability to decide for herself. As soon as you do this, whether you contract a medical disease or not, you have already controlled your wife's life and abused the trust your relationship should be built on. The problem is not your wifes attitude, it is your cowardice and selfishness.
Sorry, Lori, I am not having a go at your expression or polyamory, but if that sort of relationship is not going to hurt someone then EVERYONE must be fully on board and informed. That is not the case for Gia's wife.

[GingerLeigh]

Keeping your CDing a secret is OK. Many of us do it for a variety of reasons with fear being number one. Infidelity is a crappy thing and needlessly exposes your unsuspecting wife to risks both physical and emotional. Your an adult so do what you want. Just don't expect any empathy from others when it goes South. My opinion? Unless you let her in on your CD tryst fantasies your best to forget about acting on them.

[DanielleLee]

Cheating, or rather infidelity, is never okay... period. In an open relationship... or a situation where a spouse has agreed to allow their spouse engage in sex outside the marriage (maybe a medical issue of some type) that's not cheating, it's an arrangement where both spouses are understanding and have accepted the terms.

I'm not going to bash you or tell you you're a horrible person. You haven't done anything yet. You have, in my opinion, a fantasy or desire. There isn't anything wrong with your fantasies or desires... until you act upon them.

Good Luck with your decision. I hope you're able to come to the right, IMO decision, to stay faithful.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Hi Gia

What a sharing! You said an awful lot. You also heard an awful lot. That's the miracle of this site. I'm going to come back to your post often to carefully think about what people wrote. It is incredible that in the short time posted, so many people gave such heartfelt thoughts.

I'm a closet married. I once shaved legs and tried to bring it out gradually but it was not to be. I really love my relationship with my wife. When my well meaning cousin told my wife, I blamed alcohol and drugs. So I'm doing a lot of twelve step work and really loving it. I can be flexible. Even tried Sex Addict phone meetings but I'm not into the guilt needed.

Instead, I modified my dressing. Becoming a Buddhist to find that Higher Power (and loving it) I made my middle path the Scottish kilt thing, stockings, blousy shirt, even hats ("noggin caps"). The sellers of this merchandise try to make it so masculne. It's cute. The only thing that wouldn't pass is my shoes. With my many kilt outfits, I have many Sidekicks -- cheap pumps sold XL in an incredible number of colors with a matching little case.

I let my mind be the woman. With aggressive meditation, my mind becomes the woman. Yes, I am attracted to men in womens clothing. So what? I am that woman when I allow my mind to do it. So here I am sweetie, male-ish Scottish woman by day. Assister of drunks and addicts at sunset. Lover of wife and her gourmet food at night.

There is no right and wrong in life -- only your preception of who you are. That's what I would say to you over dinner, should it ever happen. Sex? Never. Like a drink, drug...think it through. Where would it go?

:hugs: robbin

[Gia Villafana]

Thanks for all the replies, especially the PMs that acknowledge that I'm not the only one with these kinds of thoughts. The hardest thing for me to work through is that I feel like a completely different person when I'm dressed: different look in the mirror, different name and voice, and different desires...even different personality.

As a guy, I very much a guy, but when I'm dressed, I want to be the man-pleaser, the "submissive" woman, for lack of better term...actions that just aren't possible with a woman. So it's harder for me to combine me as a guy and me as a CD and the desires of each being the same situation since they are so different.

CDing is not a kink for me; I don't get aroused by the mere act of dressing. It's something I've done off and on for something like 20 years now, more than half of my life, so it does feel like a very, very real part of who I am.

[Launa]

You have to make a short list of goals or hurdles to get over if you are trying to reach a long term final goal. I'm sure you have been with your wife for a long time and it might take a long time to reach your ultimate goal unless you go in have 1 ultimate conversation and detonate a box of TNT right off the bat. That might not be a bad way either but I'm not a therapist. Just be careful trying to reach your destination as you could be delusional when you reach it.
Just like the majority of the population always say I will be happy when I get there. I will be happy if I can make 10 million dollars, I will be happy when I can crossdress in public and I will be happy when I retire and I get there. Once THERE arrives its not what we thought it would be and THERE are new struggles which can be ok but we don't want it to be only and just all regrets. Also be damn careful if you're going out taking a walk on the wild side because looking the way you do I can see you getting a lot of attention from straight guys, chasers, other kinds of fetish folks and you'll be putting the cart in front of the horse for sure.

[Melissa Rose]

Gia, the following is not meant to be critical or judgmental, but perhaps a different way of looking at some things.


The hardest thing for me to work through is that I feel like a completely different person when I'm dressed: different look in the mirror, different name and voice, and different desires...even different personality.
This is a common feeling expressed on this forum. As an illustrative example, a US Army Ranger can be the toughest and most macho person when in that role (on the job), around their colleagues and even look the part. The same person can come home in civilian clothes and be very gentle, kind and tender with their family and friends. Even the name and title they go by at work and at home are different. To an outside observer, he or she may appear to be two very different people based on behavior (theirs and others) and appearance, but are they really? IMHO, I say no. It is just different aspects of the same person which are being expressed and exhibited based on context, situation and expectations. Would anyone find this weird or odd? Probably not since it is expected and in some ways necessary - this is a more extreme case of leaving work at work and leaving home at home. Expressing different parts of yourself that is based more on social gender stereotypes and expectations is not viewed the same way due to many years of constant gender socialization. You are not a different person when dressed. You just allow yourself to express and feel in ways that is generally looked down upon by many as not being like a man. While it may feel like you are a completely different person when dressed, you are not. It is still you, but with different aspects being shown and expressed when and where you feel it is safe.


As a guy, I very much a guy, but when I'm dressed, I want to be the man-pleaser, the "submissive" woman, for lack of better term...actions that just aren't possible with a woman. So it's harder for me to combine me as a guy and me as a CD and the desires of each being the same situation since they are so different.
Let's change a few words here...."I want to be the woman-pleaser, the submissive man..." Why are these roles not possible with a woman? Outside of engaging in vaginal sex, it is all possible. Again due to gender socialization, the expectation is the man should not be submissive since that is not the expected role (i.e., weak, whipped, etc.). You can please (sexually or not) a man or woman and that is not gender or physical sex dependent. Being stuck inside of gender roles and stereotypes you feel you cannot break can create internal conflicts when can lead to less than ideal thought processes and solutions to the deal with the conflict. If you feel these desires do not or cannot exist within your current relationship (real or perceived) and your needs cannot be met, you are going to start thinking about going outside of the relationship. I am not saying you have to tell your wife about your cross dressing, but her not knowing is probably going to make it more difficult for her to understand and engage in role alteration or reversal. Perhaps some of what you are looking for can being found within your current relationship, but roles and expectations have to change to make it possible and some things may not be possible.

If you break out of the expected role or behaviors of a man and a woman, there will often be less conflict about it. Both behaviors and feeling can exist within the same person, just different aspects of the same person, and a sense of having to be two different people is not necessary. It can be difficult since we are shown and told what is expected from boys/men and girls/women from the first day of our existence.

[ReineD]

So let me have it; tell me how wrong it is and how I'm an awful person. I've been around here long enough to know how you all will react, but I'm hoping someone can speak some wisdom into this duality that I'm trying to find here. Thanks.

You are not an awful person.

My SO was single for about 10 years and he experimented with men (while dressed) between his prior long-term relationship and me. He eventually came to the conclusion that the reality did not live up to the fantasy, but he is hetero. I am sure there are latent bisexual individuals for whom experimentation is rewarding and they can go on to form relationships with men. I am happy that my SO took steps to find out, although I am very happy that it all happened before he met me. I would have a difficult time having a partner who wanted to go outside our relationship for sex.

I don't know if my SO had these fantasies during his prior relationship but if he did, he waited until the relationship was over with before following through. His partner would not have been happy being in an open relationship either.

The issue is not experimenting with men so much as the idea that you want to have sex with someone other than your wife. If she is not open to this, she will get hurt. It can be argued whether some or all of us are meant to be in monogamous or poly-amorous relationships, but if polyamory will work, it needs the consent of both partners. So your first priority is to determine how your wife feels about you having sex with others and if she is not amenable, either live up to the monogamous contract you made with your wife or end your relationship and then experiment.

To your your other point, if you feel a different person when dressed, then maybe you need to work on integrating yourself. You are the same person whether you are dressed or not.

Good luck!

<edit>


As a guy, I very much a guy, but when I'm dressed, I want to be the man-pleaser, the "submissive" woman, for lack of better term...actions that just aren't possible with a woman.

Just so you know, although there are both men and women in the BDSM community who classify themselves as tops or bottoms, we GGs don't see ourselves as being submissive or bottoms generally. What you describe is kink more than being a woman. Although the following post was written for someone contemplating transition, you should read the part of it that describes women and weakness/passivity. IMO it describes us very well:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?226133-Between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place&p=3718081&viewfull=1#post3718081

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gia, You know that this probably isn't going to end well.
:daydreaming:
See line #3 in my signature.

[Dana44]

I was in a relationship, actually married. It was an open relationship. I must say that I divorced her because she was heavily cheating on me and spending a lot of my money on other men. Cheating never works. I did do a couple bisexual things later and experimented. DO NOT DO THAT. I have found a great woman and came out to her, instead of cheating on her. She is my girlfriend. She is close to me and better than any woman that I ever had. You must tell her. If you are BI, Do not cheat on her. Tell her your feelings. I'm sure she knows something is wrong. If you love her. Tell her.

[heatherdress]

Gia - Not sure what you expect with this thread? You don't need our preaching, warning, sympathies, etc. If you are really conflicted after 20 years of crossdressing, you should get professional help. "Experimenting" is significantly different that crossdressing. Good luck.

[Lee Andrews]

If you are looking outside of your marriage... Why are you married?
Call me old fashioned but when I signed up. I signed up for life. If things aren't working then and only then I'll pack up and go on with my life.

[Dianne S]

Gia,

I'm not going to judge you. In my opinion, though, if two people are married and one of them does something completely contrary to the understanding and expectations of the other person, that's very hurtful and damaging.

If your partner was in the know and agreed that you could experiment, then I'd say fine... go nuts. But if not, I think you're in extremely dangerous territory.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Dear Gia, I am going to be very blunt. I have tried not to have all three strikes against me all my life. I did tell my wife before we married. She did try to get involved and could not and over the years has been actually less understanding than more. That being said, I have eliminated strike one but over the last 35 years cannot say the same for strike 2 and 3. I wish I could but I can't. The most important reason is because above all I love my wife more than anything but even that could not quell my feminine needs. Then there are the children and grandchildren. Having made it this far I could never give any of that up so I continue to live with the feeling that I am a terrible liar and try to still be able to like myself enough to put one foot in front of the other every day. Worst of all, the need to be more feminine has grown over the years rather than decreased. In your case I hear many similarities with the exception where you are in your life and the kids. I think you have to tell her everything. I'm pretty sure it will not go well for the marriage but you have options that were not even imaginable back in my youth that can allow you to live your life as complete of a person as you can be and not drag her into a world she most likely wants no part of. (Assuming your description of her is accurate.) None of this makes either of you bad people even though many people will label you as such. However, in this day and age and this time in your lives there is plenty of time for both of you to pick up the pieces and still have full lives before it gets complicated with children and other factors. I cannot be more honest than this. You are right about the people on this site. We are all trying our best without hurting others and we are all in very different stages of our journeys through life. So when you make the decision on what to do please take your wife's future happiness into consideration as well. Seeking professional advice on how to do this may not be a bad thing as well since this could shake your wife's self confidence to it's core. I should never be all about us. Sincerely, Steph

[Robbin_Sinclair]

....As a guy, I very much a guy, but when I'm dressed, I want to be the man-pleaser, the "submissive" woman, for lack of better term...actions that just aren't possible with a woman. So it's harder for me to combine me as a guy and me as a CD and the desires of each being the same situation since they are so different.

CDing is not a kink for me; I don't get aroused by the mere act of dressing. It's something I've done off and on for something like 20 years now, more than half of my life, so it does feel like a very, very real part of who I am.

I felt that way.

So, when I started looking at my life from a twelve step inventory approach (who did I piss off drinking/drugging? etc) I realized that being always a little different, I would overcompensate. Coming from an angry part of a big city, this translated for me into being hurtful. Anger, resentments, acting out were part of my male-ness. It was a pattern.

For me, allowing myself to be fem is to look into life in submission. That's where I'm going by dressing. I social media soft optimistic blessings to people and try to never hate. It did not come easily, at first. In dresssing, I go to the fem parts in my body allowing myself to be pampered by oils and scents and through mediation. This fits into the a popular Twelve Step cliche, 'let go, let god'. Conveniently it fits into the Buddhist tradition of mindfulness and god is within me.

I don't consider myself as doing anything that I would not be able to justify to my wife, if the topic came up. But nothing makes me feel have to tell my wife, my sponsor or anyone in the world who the real me is. It's not important to the world. I share stuff on this site, because I can. I do this more for me more than you.

Be blessed, sweetie. :hugs:

[Tina_gm]

It is not about you, it is about her. Whatever your desires or fantasies are really doesn't matter. How you honor your commitment to your wife does. That is what a marriage is. It is a commitment to another person. IMO, you should tell her what you are doing or want to do. Don't make her live a lie. It is not fair for her to live a lie. Tell her everything, and who knows, maybe in the .01 chance that she will accept it all and you can go do what you desire and fantasize about. But give her the chance to live the life she wants to. Give her the life she deserves. If you cannot fulfill that for her, then set her free and let her find someone who will.

[stephi]

Hi

I think if you are looking outside your marriage then the marriage may be inherently weak to allow your head to be turned. This is an observation not a criticism. Go with the flow .... BUT let your better half know that there may be no future - please don't live a lie.

Thx Stephi

[laura.lapinski]

Assuming what you say about your wife is true, that she would be totally unaccepting, perhaps you just need to end your marriage without telling her about your crossdressing? You could just say that you don't love her anymore, or that you have to move on. It's a tough situation, and only you can decide. I too would consider getting yourself into counseling to help you decide.

[missycd1]

Gia - I am too new to this community to send you a private response. I know exactly your feelings. I have desires that exist strongly when dressed en femme. I have not acted on them, and I continue to keep Missy a secret. I wish I could send you a private message, a few more posts and I will have the permission to, we have a lot in common and I fully understand the emotional turmoil you feel, at least I think I do. I can certainly relate.