Lonely While CD'ing

[SandraB]

Things have been going better than expected with my wife being able to be en femme occassionally in her presence having dinner or watching tv together. Also have occasional conversations on CD related topics e.g. wigs, makeup, etc. I was delighted with this as when I came out to her a few weeks ago it was made clear that while she accepted my CD'ing she wanted it kept out of her presence.

The only real downside was that I found it very lonely keeping to myself while dressed. So being able to spend some time together while dressed as Sandra left me thinking that she was getting more used to it and may fully come around given enough time.

The night before last, I was looking for some feedback on my most recent attempt at makeup (has been a disaster due to inexperience and even more so because my sight without glasses is fairly poor). Anyway she didn't want to comment other than to make it clear that she still does not like to see me as anything other than her husband. She does not want me sometimes as a girlfriend.

My heart sunk and I felt helpless. The thought that, as Sandra, I could not be seen as a friend hit me really bad and felt that a part of me was destined for rejection and lonliness. The feeling was like I felt when as a teenager a girlfriend ended our relationship. I'm surprised at how much it hurts as it was made clear to me at the outset. It's my problem and I have to get over it. I know I will just like the passage of time healed that first breakup as a teen.

Do others feel the lonliness while CD'ing and if so, does it pass?

[FrancineS]

Sandra I would like to say the feeling goes away. But it doesn't I've been out for several years now and am accepted by family friends co workers etc. But the lonely feeling is there but this site is here thus we are here. Don't be discouraged its part of the territory IMO.

[Barbara Black]

I'm happy that your wife is allowing you to dress, and I hope you can live with the restrictions she allows. But I fear it will be a short term solution, as said above, "It doesn't go away." I'm under similar restrictions, and I can only see it lasting until I can't take the pressure any longer, unless the terms are changed.

[laurenp245]

I think we've all experienced the loneliness related to our CD-ing at one time or another in our lives. Whether it be in the time leading up to telling our wives when we are still trying to keep it a secret, or (speaking for myself here) in that confusing time period immediately after we come out to them when we don't know for certain how/when/how much we can start expressing the side of ourselves we are so badly wanting to bring into the world. It does get better with time, and just always remember that we've had our entire lives to come to terms with who we are, she is just trying to catch up. Keep moving forward, it does get better!

<3 Lauren

[Victoria Demeanor]

I wish I could tell you that it would go away, but I understand the loneliness you are talking about and it does hurt when you can not share a big part of you with your closest loved ones. I sympathize with you and hope things get better.

[Kate T]

Give it time Sandra. It is VERY early on for her (only a few weeks?).

No one knows how it will go but one thing I can tell you for sure, acceptance takes time. Be patient and be mindful of her feelings as well.

[Alice Torn]

I don't have a wife or SO, but i cannot afford to be outed by my siblings or father, even though he is 94. I am lonely with this too, in isolation, even without a mate, it is lonely.

[cassiekat]

I have to say also too that it's always there. Be careful with your wife, pushing it on her can lead to a lot of bad things. I have two ex wives. I understand where you are coming from , you want someone to understand and love both parts of you or all of you. I hope it works out for you and you find the happiness you deserve.

[Lily Catherine]

Sandra, while you may be lonely, remember that you aren't alone. I wish I could say the feeling will go away, but these kind of things take time. A very long time, even. While it sounds like a discussion concerning feelings would be worth it, the reluctance to do so on her part might stand in the way of that.

On my own part I have one stockinged foot out of the closet to my family, but they certainly don't wish to pursue the issue too far and we all have obviously skirted it. Instead of "don't ever go near my clothes" I get "don't mess up my clothes" nowadays. That sense of isolation harks, it seems, to the misguided notion of denial – that I shouldn't -be- Lilian, and that she is but a girl-in-a-box. I don't buy that idea.

[Beverley Sims]

Sandra,
Just because your wife showed some interest it does not mean the flood gates are open.

You will have to take it slowly for at least a couple of years so as your wife can accustom herself to the situation.

Be aware, it may never happen but take it very slowly.

[AngelaYVR]

This is partly why conferences and gatherings were created, to get some together time with other people who understand us. I unfortunately live in a city where the only girls willing to get together are those looking for sex. After my wife knowing for almost a year now, there is a lot I can share but still a lot I can't. I find satisfaction in venturing out and interacting with the public but it would be a lot more fun with a partner in crime!

[ReineD]

Get a mirror with 10x or 12x magnification mirror to put your makeup on: http://www.amazon.com/Tweezerman-Tweezermate-12xs-Magnification-Mirror/dp/B000EMUBZI

Also, you might consider joining a TG support group for friendships. Good support groups welcome wives and family. You do want to let your wife know what transpires at these meetings (usually a dinner, social time and invited speakers) and you want her to know that she is always welcome. Many support groups also provide space on the premises that you can use to change in, if you feel uncomfortable leaving your house dressed. There are usually annual dues to pay for this and of course you'll need to pay for dinner.

My SO has been expressing femininity for decades, regularly. When we first met, she had been dressing alone for 10 years (she had been single for that long). At first it was a lot of fun for my SO to dress with me. Early in our relationship my SO was also beginning to go out everywhere in the mainstream dressed (although in the next town over). But then it reached a point where it was just so commonplace, so ordinary to dress at home, (I barely noticed whether my SO was dressed as a male or female because to me, my SO was always the same person), that I think dressing with just me ceased to bring any benefits. It was a lot more fun dressing to go out and within a few years, my SO stopped dressing at home even though she could do this anytime she wanted to.

I'm saying this because even if you did have your wife's full cooperation, chances are that if you begin to go out, it won't matter much in a few years anyway.

[Helen Waite]

I sympathize with your situation, Sandra. After finding and destroying my clothing and other items a few years ago, my wife has grudgingly presented the same conditions. She has come to terms with the fact that this just won't go away. I can have it, as long as she never sees it or has anything to do with it. Small steps... I'll take what I can get.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm sad to read of your pain Sandra. The best I can offer is that at least you are owning your feelings and not suppressing them, which although more painful in the short term, is far better for your overall health in the long term. It does seem that your wife, with great patience on your part, might come to accept Sandra more- let's hope so.

Hugs, Nikki

[veronicapvc]

its so sad that so many men have to suppress their feelings.....were in a multicultural diverse society for goodness sake

for anyone that's lonely, its imperative to get to clubs or meets with like minded people. its unacceptable to not be accepted in my view. take solice in the fact that there are so many in the same boat. im proud to be a transvestite and refuse to be ashamed of it.

[Maria 60]

Sometimes people can just be mean without thinking. When my wife is upset with me she does say things like, "as long as Maria's happy" or " it's all about Maria". A few times taking cheap shots at me about my masculinity. I find she does it when she doesn't get her way. Don't bust your brain trying to figure her out and just take it easy on her and give her time, but don't give up either, always keep it on the table.

[Brenda Freeman]

I hid my crossdressing desires for 50 years. So when I finally told my wife in 2005, IT was quite a shock to her but we talked and she finally realized I am the same person she married with one secret finally exposed. She prefers to not see me dressed. We can talk about fashion clothes make up. I do not have to hide my things from her. She trusts me when I do go out occasionally because we agree on who should and should not know! Bottom line she said if it makes me happy I should do it. After 50 years of hiding I am so happy with the fact that I can talk about it, not hide it from my best friend and soul mate. I totally respect her one wish. The past 9 + years have been so comfortable. Yes I would love to dress up and spend time with my soul mate as girls, but she did not sign up for that. When I read about all the girls that cannot even mention crossdressing in their home I feel blessed. It is wild the different situations we are in and the different levels of needs we seek! I wish you the best on finding your comfort level with your spouse. Regarding make up I bought a mirror 10X which has helped so I can see when doing make up plus make up research on the computer their are tons of how to sites and of course practice.

[pamela7]

if my CD-ing had been rejected, I would also feel lonely with it, I know for sure, I would have sought out groups, people to be with, to have some company. I don't see how the loneliness can pass unless you have someone to be with. Human beingness is about being WITH other people, we are not being ourselves just for ourselves! To quote William Shakespeare, "All the world's a stage ..."

[kimdl93]

You mentioned that it has been a few weeks, and yet you're already able to spend some time dressed with her. Even if it's given grudgingly, this is remarkable.

And you're not one of her girlfriends. Talking CDing, wigs and make up isn't the relationship you have. When you are diredded in her presence, talk about your home, family, work, dogs, finances, politics or whatever it is you've talked about all these years. Give her that much stability in a changing situation.

[VictoriaW]

Really sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I lived in a relationship for 11 years that had loads of restrictions that eventually lead to total shutdown of Victoria for many years. It was reintroduced in attempt to save the relationship but with many restrictions and full blown verbal abuse towards Victoria from my SO the relationship ended.. Unfortunately it's very tough for us to be in relationships. Maybe the next generation will be more understanding of people that just want to be happy..

[Pat]

Just as you're inexperienced with makeup and you have to learn, so your wife is inexperienced with crossdressers and likewise has to learn. Don't let her inexperience devastate you. Accept it as the social equivalent of having sneezed while putting on eyeliner. Resolve to help the situation, not just for yourself, but for both of you. Both your happiness is at stake. You say she doesn't like seeing you as anything but her husband -- well, you're not. You are her husband no matter what you're wearing. You're the person you always were and that person was shaped by Sandra so if she loves you she loves Sandra too, but she's only just been introduced.

Women communicate in the language of effect and emotion. That's something you're probably also inexperienced in because men are taught to be silent about their feelings. It would probably upset her greatly to know how her words impacted you. You need to let her know so that she can understand that when she rejects Sandra she makes her husband feel abandoned because they're the same person. If you had rejected her, tears would probably have been shed. That's the language she understands. I'm not saying learn to cry on cue, I'm saying learn to speak to her about your feelings in an effective, non-accusatory way. (When men do talk about their emotions, they tend to do it so they can place blame. That won't help either of you here. Just state how you felt; don't try to fix it, don't try to disown it or distance yourself from the event. Just say how you felt and let it go.)

As to makeup -- I'm blind as a bat without my glasses so I feel your pain (and share your makeup mistakes.) As Reine mentioned, a magnifying mirror can be your friend. With your glasses off, you can pull back until the mirror basically attains your prescription. I've found a lot of problems with fiddly eye makeup can be fixed if you can see well because you're less likely to blink when you can see the brush about to touch your eye and your hand can become very smooth if you have visual feedback as you lay it down. (Probably a good topic for the beauty & shopping forum.)

[SandraB]

Thanks all for your support and input. While I was hoping to hear that the feelings of loneliness subside with the passage of time, it seems from most of your experiences, it just goes with the territory. I have hit an unexpected low but I find solace in that I also have a lot to be thankful for. I'm in a much better state mentally now than I was a few weeks ago when I denied this part of me, hid it from my wife and lived in constant fear of discovery.

I'm now totally open with my wife and share with her anything she wants to know. In fact, I want to share everything but hold back only because I don't want to push anything on her. I told her about these feelings of loneliness and how her rejection of friendship with my female side affected me. At the same time I let her know that I don't see it being in any way her problem. She empathised with the feelings suggesting that I could go to some groups/clubs with like minded CD'ers. I asked if she would come with me but said she would accompany me to the city but would not attend the club. So this is an option when and if I feel up to going out in public in a safe environment (I think I would like to in the future but not yet).

My wife asked me yesterday if I had a female name (she read some articles on CD'ing). I told her about Sandra and also about this site. I told her I found the site an excellent resource, that it provided support for loved ones of CD'ers and that I'd give her the url if she wanted it where she could browse without signing up if she wanted. I hope she takes up the offer, but only if she wants to.

While this site is a great comfort for the loneliness and attending group meetings/clubs are an option, I'll still keep hope that someday Sandra can be a friend to my wife eventhough I know the odds are against it. As many of you suggest, keeping open communication, keeping it on the table while not pushing it and allowing time for adjustment is the best way forward.

Also thanks for the makeup tips. I've been using a 3x Magnifier my wife has. I clearly need my own at a higher magnification level.

[Teresa]

Sandra,
I call it solitary confinement ! My Cding is sexual with the need to share it with my wife, I told her this twenty years ago when I came out to her, she didn't respond to it and after a while the DADT wall went up, I felt so rejected and unloved that I nearly took my own life ! We have talked about this, my wife has said she knows it hurts me, but offers very little to prevent it !
Looking back I'm not sure how I would have resolved the situation, my wife did say recently that she should have realised then that she couldn't live with it and called it a day then , I have to agree with her in hindsight !
I talked this through with my counsellor recently suggesting that I hadn't got over the feelings I felt at that time, she did feel it was a very valid point.
I have a different take on my wife seeing the forum, to a none accepting wife the open forum isn't always good reading ! We may not like some of the threads and perhaps choose to ignore them but a visiting wife may just shrug their shoulders or be scared off before seeing the true worth of what members have written ! My wife may have visited the site unbeknown to me, but she has never said anything and I haven't told her I'm a member !

[ReineD]

And you're not one of her girlfriends. Talking CDing, wigs and make up isn't the relationship you have. When you are diredded in her presence, talk about your home, family, work, dogs, finances, politics or whatever it is you've talked about all these years.

While I agree with what you have to say 99.99% of the time, I disagree with the idea that girlfriends talk about different things than couples. The ONLY thing I talk to my best female friend about that I do not discuss with my SO, is my SO! lol. ... seriously my friends and I do talk sometimes about our relationships with our respective partners.

Maybe it's an age thing, but we are long past discussing hair, makeup and fashion, unless it's to mention there's a sale going on. These things have not been part of my conversation since my teenage years and even then, they weren't a bit part of it. My teenage friends and I mostly talked about our relationships with boys, school, the things we wanted to do, and we complained about our parents, etc. My current friends and I talk about work, politics, finances, education, art, (other people sometimes :p), emotional difficulties we may be experiencing in our lives over various situations and coping methods, in short everything that I talk about to my SO!

[Kandi Robbins]

I can only speak for myself, but there will always be some level of loneliness while crossdressing. If not, we could openly do so, never worrying about losing treasured family and friends, could show up en femme for social functions at will, etc. Having to keep a secret, any kind of secret, has some level of loneliness associated with it. That said, take the best parts of your female persona, or the feelings you have when dressed, and begin to incorporate them into your life. With that, some of the loneliness begins to fade. Find avenues to socialize en femme and believe me I know, that is easier said than done. Think about where your wife is with all of this, you do have her tacit approval, just not the green light for her active participation. Try working with that and find ways to give back to her. Be a better husband, be a more active listener, express your love for your wife more frequently. Right now she may be viewing this as selfish on your part. Remember, life (and relationships) is a two way street.

[ReineD]

It occurs to me that maybe you want to talk to your wife about the way you feel about being a CDer. Talking about the things that are issues or that we have trouble coping with is a huge source of conversation between me and my girlfriends AND me and my SO.

So you could share all your feelings with your wife, such as the loneliness you feel in general over not feeling accepted socially as a male who enjoys wearing feminine clothing and fears of being found out and negatively judged (if you feel this way), you could mention feelings of embarrassment or shame if you've ever had them, what it was like for you growing up having to hide this, even if you have felt frustrated, angry, or fed-up enough about not fitting-in that may have caused some purging cycles. If you feel afraid that your wife will think less of you, or if you ever felt inadequate as a person (most of us have felt this at one time or another), you could mention this as well. I think if you get all of this off your chest with someone you love, it will make you feel better. A lot of people feel as if their partners are their best friends, and that's what best friends talk about ... feelings and coping mechanisms.

[SandraB]

Since I accepted myself and came out to my wife, I noticed a huge change in myself. I've already mentioned this in other threads - I think accepting myself has made me a much more loving and caring partner. I opened up about my feelings, emotions and personal struggle as much as I felt my wife could handle and gave a green light to ask anything about it and that I would answer honestly in so far as I understood it. I think she was a good listener and took on board everything I was telling her and accepted everything in so far as she could.

However, I think she just has huge difficulty seeing me en femme. When we are together like that and we have conversation, I think she genuinely just has difficulty looking at me. As she said to me once, I may be wired to like CDing but she is wired to see her husband in male mode only. She has said things could change, but for now she is as she is. This to me is totally fair and understandable on her part - she did not ask or sign up to it.

I think this is why I reached such a low and felt helpless. I'm lonely, an integral part of me was rejected and I have no one to blame. After the response to this thread, the odds are definitely against getting her full participation that I crave. However, as some outline, with work on my part, openness on my wife's part, continuing communication, allowance of time and space there is still some hope. It leaves me something to cling to.



I have a different take on my wife seeing the forum, to a none accepting wife the open forum isn't always good reading ! We may not like some of the threads and perhaps choose to ignore them but a visiting wife may just shrug their shoulders or be scared off before seeing the true worth of what members have written ! My wife may have visited the site unbeknown to me, but she has never said anything and I haven't told her I'm a member !

These are valid concerns especially that my wife could be alarmed to see aspects of our private lives on public display and even more so that everything is expressed in terms of the world according to Sandra. It may be a mistake, but I want to be totally open and not even hide that I'm participating in a forum. I feel I just have enough of hiding anything from her excepting only if she does not want to know. From a CD perspective, I find the forum provides tremendous support and insight. Maybe it is a mistake to assume it can likewise benefit a SO in the same way especially where they are struggling to come to terms with it but I hope it can.

[Dana44]

I was alone for a couple of years. I dressed to relieve the stress. At that time I was not alone as I felt complete and went for walks on moonless nights with heavy winds standing at a gate looking at the stars above. I was in the country and was totally alone. I felt the total understanding of wind on the legs in a miniskirt. No one to share with. Funny I was not alone then. Now with a partner, yes you want to share it. I would talk to her and try to work that out. I lucked out when I revealed to my girlfriend. Yet she felt similar that she wanted to see me as a male. I was able to work that out with her and she has posted on this site. Make it a role game for instance. It's a work in progress.