That never ending feeling !

[Teresa]

After reading other members comments about how often some dress and the lay off time they live with I wanted to ask a question in two parts .

Since I started CDing some fifty years ago I have a constant feeling in my stomach, call it a gut feeling, an ache or a yearning ! It was suggested I check out Autogynerphilia, which translates as, " to love yourself as a woman ", and that exactly describes the feeling, when you love someone ! I will also add that I have no problems with my male side but would prefer to look like my avatar ! The feeling does subside when I dress but it's impractical to dress everyday .

So the first question is do others have the same feeling and if so is it continuous or does it come and go ?

The second part is if you've had that feeling so bad has it lead you to question your needs to consider transition and if so has the feeling subsided when you've gone down that road ?

Over the years I have tried so hard to bury this feeling and the need to dress ! Working till I dropped, trying to prove I'm a man ! The spin off is I have the rewards to show that effort but my need to be open and dress has now hit me harder than ever !

[GeauxStacy]

For me I love it when I am Stacy and love being her, but for me it comes and goes. I thought about transition at some point and came to the conclusion that it was not for me and that I am happy being Stacy and me. :-)

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It sounds as if you completely separate your male and female selves, whereas I feel I'm a fairly comfortable blur of the two. Perhaps my being bisexual makes it easier?

If you were to transition, what form do you suppose your sexual expression would take?

Do you think one lifetime is going to be enough for you to answer all your questions?

When you were proving yourself to be a man, to whom were you proving yourself?

You seem to be moving towards proving yourself to be a woman. This sounds like an awful lot of proving- couldn't you skip that part and just get on with the living?

Warm wishes, Nikki

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, I've been this program for 68yrs. now I dress every Morning and a couple Evenings a week
and I have the same feelings as you do, I think about dressing all the time and having my ears
newly pierced (double pierced) just makes the feelings stronger.:daydreaming:

[charlenesomeone]

Teresa, not sure on the "autoG" since it is mainly a sexual thing. But wanting to be
and stay a woman yes. I think if you still enjoy being a woman afterwards, it may be more.
Just imho.
Hugs

[Mollyanne]

Hi Teresa, Since all my adult children moved out years ago I either fully dress or partially dress everyday. This makes it soooo much easier for me as I am NEVER missing any part of embracing my femininity. I have considered transitioning but at this juncture in my "golden years" it is to late for this to happen so I do the next best thing. When I am fully dressed I DO NOT have any thoughts of my birth gender. I look at at fashion magazines, I look at new hair styles (age appropriate for me), I shop on line for my wardrobe etc etc. When I have to be a male (which I don't care for) I miss my feminine self. So all in all I am a combination or all your thoughts and desires.

Molly

[pamela7]

I do not fancy the "female me" in the mirror. I do look quite like one sister and a cousin when made-up, according to other family members.
Very few women I know (almost none) dress-up every day, mostly they dress up for occasions, so for me it's congruent to clothe as I wish and go the whole hog for special events - that's part of making them special for me (even before CD-ing, preparing special clothes etc, was part of that).

Yes, I've felt transitioning urges, and that comes and goes, not trodden the road, not sure I need to, dressing is enough. Here's the thing though, you only really get to experience the world/being treated as a woman by being out in the world "as a woman". I'd strongly advise against transitioning without living as a woman for a long time first, and I think that is the official NHS guidance/rules anyway. Even if you've closet-dressed 50 years, its going out that door into "vanilla world" dressed that really shows you the answer to your question - IMHO.

xxx Pamela

[reb.femme]

Definitely comes and goes for me, but when the yearning bites, it bites and won't let go. Current situation at home has prevented me from dressing for a while (house is a building site at the moment with builders in) but should change within a couple of months.

I am happy being who and what I am and therefore can just go with the flow. I suppose I'm lucky insofar that I have no desire to transition, but I do like to do the best I can when I dress fully.

Rebecca (part time bowl of deliciousness) I like to think anyway :battingeyelashes:

[Teresa]

Charlene,
I wasn't connecting with the sexual aspect but yes that does come into my situation !

Pamela,
I posted a thread on " Thoughts on transition ", a while ago ! I know whatever the feelings mean any thoughts on transition are a none starter in my sixties ! I still think I need to have a gender assessment to try and sort my thoughts out, at the moment they're all over the place !
I know the guidance rules, it's not an overnight event, it costs the NHS thousands to reassign they won't do it on a whim ! I wouldn't waste their resources unless I was certain ! To me it would be like stepping into a black hole, I'd lose everything for the sake of questionable happiness !!

Nikki,
Proving yourself as a man starts so early, an all boy's school playing rugby ,second row in scrum, doing the man thing playing soldiers in the CCF, fixing up your car when you leave school ! Renovating your house to get married, extending your house when you have kids and all the time you have that feeling inside of needing something else !
Instead of going away it's become stronger to the point where I can't work round it any more I just have to be more open to satisfy that need hiding behind closed doors is no longer an option !

[MissTee]

This has been a long journey of self-discovery for me as well. Somewhere in that timeline I did entertain thoughts of transition. That was in the depths of my pink fog days. I have learned that I embrace both male and femme personas, and what works best for me is to dynamically allocate time for both based on feeling.

Silly as it may sound, I really felt if I transitioned (MtF) then in a year or so you'd likely find me hanging out in the other forum (FtM).

[Vikky]

Hi Teresa

Yes, I very much have that feeling and it is very potent at times, especially if I have nothing else to occupy my mind.

And yes I have thought about moving further down the path towards more or even full time CDing, and going further, but in my present circumstances that would be very difficult.

To counter these thoughts I like my male side and my male life, so who knows where it will all go. It can be so difficult at times.

Vikky

[Pat]

My reading on "Autogynerphilia" makes me think it's a term used by non-transgender people to try and describe transgender behavior. Sort of like the story of the blind men trying to describe an elephant. The word itself is pretty cool -- love yourself as a woman -- it's a great description. The psychological theory developed around it seems to be very uninformed (to me. But I'm not a psychologist, so they can turn around and say, "YOU'RE uninformed" and I won't contest it. Sure, babe, tell me how I am...)

I do love myself as a woman, but I also love myself as a not-very-manly man. I've spent over 60 years polishing my male skills and I'm not interested in giving all that effort up. During those 60 years, I've also mixed in some female traits and I'm not enthused about giving those up either. The female traits were definitely suppressed. But there's something magical about that 60th birthday -- as I've heard it said, "It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from here." I've done everything I have to do to satisfy other people's needs of my male role as husband, father, protector and contributor to society. I think I can honorably get off the clock. I'm not willing to go to my grave without learning more about my female side.

[Dena]

Have you had any opportunity to get out dressed and interact with the general public? I've gone out a few dozen times
and while I really didn't have any negative experiences, it kinda confirmed I'm more guy than girl.

[Lily Catherine]

I don't believe in autogynephilia as it is; what is described feels more like a symptom than a cause, much less a root cause, and one that appears to stay within the erotic realm (tied down to sexual arousal). Kindly correct me if this isn't the case.

In response to Teresa:
Regarding the first question, I definitely have a longing to cross-dress. If there were a switch, however, it wouldn't be kept at ON for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But the circuit's still there.
Regarding the second, I don't intend, at this point of time, to transition. I am, after all, still unsure at best and to make the decision and put my foot down would be a very hasty, and ergo unwise, decision. I very much appreciate the duality of presenting either as male or as female.

Fate (despite my disbelief therein) must have been obsessed with making a man out of me – uniformed youth organisations, being in a boys' school and having an unhealthy interest in cars (ugh, cliché). In me there's a force of sorts rejecting the 'real man' (still having trouble translating that from Mandarin) thing that pops up every now and then in daily discourse. I tried to shut it up, but it shut me up first.

[Alice Torn]

Teresa, I can surely relate to all you wrote. Sometimes, i feel like becoming a woman, but there is so much i have to do as a man, fixing cars, other things, facing my family of origin nearby, church. And i am 61 in May, and the U.S. government is bankrupt, and i would not want to make it worse. So, Alice is only once a week or so escape from my tortured male life.

[Gillian Gigs]

Sometimes it is difficult to love myself. So I slip into a world where I can be someone, or something else. The problem is that the longer I stay in the other world the more the self disliking invades. I had to come to the point of accepting myself, regardless of what part of me was rising to the surface. It was easier to love Gillian, but she had no responcibilities, she got to be silly, frilly, and had fun playing, but that is not the real world! In accepting the complete me, with both sides of the coin showing, I found that I could mesh both sides into a more complete me. I am fortunate to have an accepting wife, who doesn't have a problem with most of what I do. Dressing is more a state of mind, and I have found my happy medium by underdressing, with extras occasionally.
I have asked myself the transition question and came to the conculsion that I can live with who I am as is. But have also wondered how life may have influenced me if things were different. Through all of my soul searching I came to the conclusion that I am mainly a fetish type dresser anyway, and that is still ok with me.

[Katey888]

Well Teresa, it's 56 days for me and not a scrap of girly stuff or nail polish anywhere... (although I'm keeping the eyebrows plucked and legs smooth just in case... ;))

I think all you're describing is just how individual all of us are - behaviours, desires, opportunity, motivation; all play a part in how and why we do what we do. I've read a fair bit about autogynephilia recently and I have to say, there are aspects that make a lot of sense to me - and in your case, Teresa, you've always said there was a strong sexual context which is one of the perspectives it addresses. There are other aspects that seem to suggest - like sex itself - agp may be the start but the desires and associated feelings change over time. I don't believe the ideas should be discounted because they don't fit everyone.

I do feel that we sometimes have an expectation (or maybe a wish?) that we can find a single explanation and pattern of behaviour, but that's oversimplifying something that is so complex and covers so many different behaviours under the one heading, I don't think that's possible.

Admitting that you like (love?) the look of your feminine self will be tough for many people because it smacks of something very selfish and narcissistic... which in many ways it most definitely is. It doesn't make us bad people to admit that - it just means we have to struggle with that condition and self-acceptance related to that desire to dress as a woman and look good doing it. :)

Teresa - mine is an entirely amateur opinion, but you strike me more as someone who speaks of the dressing aspect rather than your 'inner girl' finding an outlet... But I can appreciate you finding a way to dress more is a constant source of angst for you - and I do feel for you there. :hugs: Perhaps things would improve for you if you could find a way to do that more consistently and openly, but I realise also what you have to overcome to do that.

All I can say by way of slight reassurance is that I'm either going through a 'lean' or lazy period right now, and/or my outings have helped me get to a point that the desire to express so intensively has been satisfied... at least for a while... :)

Always happy to speak with you... :D

Katey x

[Brandy Mathews]

Such good comments from every angle. That is why I am so glad that I found this site and joined. As for me, I really love my feminine side but will probably never fully come out even though I was "outted" years ago. And once that is done, it spreads like wild fire, believe me. People are so hateful these days and it is very sad.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[ReineD]

Although the CDing is sexual for a lot of CDers who do get off on the thought of themselves as an enticing female, the word "autogynephilia" is sorely rejected by quite a few members in this forum. Just mentioning the word in some circles is enough for people to tell you that what you feel is not an obsession but a deep sense of Gender Dysphoria.

So, getting away from AGP vs. not-AGP … I know the following will seem obvious, but any time we especially love doing something some of us will feel an ache/preoccupation/strong desire/yearning/absolute need/etc when we are not doing it and further, we will feel emptiness and restlessness when we are not doing it. I've been there. Some people experience this with the internet, sports, food, shopping, smoking, alcohol, sex, being with a brand new love, in short all the things that provide a rush to the brain. Some people can better moderate these strong desires within themselves and balance their lives, while others have difficulty doing it.

Some examples to varying degrees of severity:
Although I seldom watch television any more (the internet has replaced it lol), some years ago when my kids were young and I was still with my ex, there was a problem with cable and we were without television for about two weeks. We hardly knew what to do with ourselves! We were restless, we kept going into the TV room to see if it was working yet, and we all did this. That, however, was habit and after about a week or so we found other ways to occupy our free times, but eventually once the cable turned on we settled back into our old TV-watching habits. Earlier in my life I drank a great deal to the point of feeling I had to hide it, and when this happened I couldn't wait to be alone so I could drink. When I found myself there it was pure bliss, and the prospect of not drinking ever again was devastating to me. I mention this to describe my head-space at the time. When I was younger I completely lost myself in books, to the point where I couldn't wait for people to leave me alone so I could lose myself in them. I even would skip school to finish a book that I couldn't put down. I've seen one of my sons not do what he needed to do for a year or so because he was heavily invested in video games, to the point where he began trying to not play as much when we were around but he would do nothing but play when he was alone.

I'm saying this because some (not all) of us can get rather single-minded, and just because it is a desire to dress does not necessarily make it any different than other things. All these other things are a part of who people are too, and the best solution is to try to find ways of coping that will enable them to live productively in society and with their families or friends, if they do not want to become loners. Other than the most severe cases, what is required is balance.

I would say that a lot of members here share your ache. But, if this is another way to ask if you might be transsexual (many people in this thread have responded with mention of transition), then you should continue talking with your therapist. It is my understanding, however, that fundamentally what distinguishes GD from non-GD is feeling deep distress over having a male body. This is why therapy for GD involves altering the body in ways that will help a person integrate happily in society as their target gender.

Your situation is particularly difficult because it is difficult for you and your wife to set boundaries, or house rules if you will. She is retiring soon and you understandably fear what will happen once she is home all day. This is why you need to start going out. The whole thing needs to be a bit more transparent between you and her, even if she does not participate initially.

[msniki48]

Jennie,

Your words are deep and profound... I struggle as Teresa does, I know I cannot transition for my personal reasons [ having to do with others expectations, but Like you jennie, I can't go to my grave without getting more answers about my feminine side...I have stayed away when I have to, but my therapist has always said ...when you need her she will be there. and I look forward to every moment as niki


hugs to you both

[Beverley Sims]

After abandoning the idea of transition when I was young the feeling of what if?has never really left my thoughts.

I just suck it up and be thankful of my present situation.