My husband Betty

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I recently read a review of this book by another member of the forum. I have a couple of questions for those members who have also read the book:

Did you think that it changed your point of view and how you see you relationship with your SO?

If you gave it to your SO to read did it affect her view of CDing and change your relationship?

Please feel free to make any other comments on how the book may have changed you or your SO.

Katie

[Linda E. Woodworth]

While I enjoyed the book tremendously and thought it's the best one out there on the subject it didn't change any of my points of view. I just thought it was the best at explaining things.

I did suggest my wife read it but she has never done so.

[carhill2mn]

I would be hesitant to give this book to my SO as her first introduction to CDng. While the book is informative, I do not think that it will reassure a SO that is not already reasonably comfortable with her SO being en femme.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Katie,
This book was recommended to my SO and I as a means to
Inform, but more importantly, open a line of questioning.
My SO read the book and it did raise some questions, as well as point out
a few common traits that we all commonly share with CDing.
Her. Thoughts on the book were that it was more geared towards TS people,
not CDers.
Did it change our relationship? It's hard to say, quite a few things were different , or changing,
at that point in time.
I still have not read the book, maybe I'll have time for it someday.
I did see a YouTube video of this couple being interviewed on some talk show.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[ColleenCD]

Hi Katie,

I have read the book and shared it with my wife who also read the book. It didn't necessarily change us, but we were not as close as we are now. The book is informative, explaining and clarifying gray areas, but can leave SO's with a shadow of doubt of you transitioning. I would advise you to preface your SO reading it with reminding her that this is "Betty's" story, and (maybe) not yours. It is a good read, but any changes in your life with your SO will be because you two make them happen.

Colleen

[NikiMichelle]

ColleenCD made the exact answer I would give with respect to both my and my wife's take on the book...well said.

[Greenie]

I would be hesitant. I read this book before Lucas did. The second book is a lot less hopeful, and they are no longer together. If an SO takes the time to read the second book, or research the couple and how they didn't work out. It makes it kind of feel like "if they couldn't make it".

Not super hopeful. But the first book is good.

[Jason+]

I liked the book especially as compared to Peggy Ruud's "My Husband Wears My Clothes." The Ruud book was a lot more rose colored. "Betty" was a lot more real world and while a harder read for a newly introduced SO I think it's closer to reality and where things may go.

[Katie Russell]

Thanks everyone.

I read the reviews on Amazon and really thought it would be a good way of explaining a little more about Cding in a controlled manner (you can always believe everything you read on the internet!). My wife knows that I CD so it's not a means of a big reveal. I am in a DADT relationship and as I have alluded to before in previous posts I wanted to find away of opening up more channels of communication. I'm not sure if she has ever done any reading on the internet, she hasn't asked about my dressing other than the day she found out and any attempt at bringing up the subject has son been cut short. I just thought that having a book available would give her another avenue available should she wish to find out a little more.

As Greenie said I understand that the second book covers transitioning and I would be wary about letting her read that for fear that she thought that was the route I would inevitably follow.

I'm not expecting her to read the book and go 'OK it's all great now' but I was hoping it may give her a better understanding. Maybe I should just buy the book and make my own judgement but I always value the opinion of this community so any comment gratefully received.

Katie

[Danitgirl1]

Hi Katie
For me (and I hope this came out in my review) it gave me better insight into EXACTLY what my wife may have been thinking and feeling. Even if you try and empathise, you are not the spouse of a crossdresser and you cannot know what is going on in their mind. This allowed me to open up new areas of conversation with her and tell her what I was feeling and find out what she was feeling in a more supportive way.
I am lucky in that my wife is (so far) VERY accepting and participates fully with me.
I am not sure that it will make your wife any more participatory, but the book does make this point that I think we as the crossdressing spouse may miss:
A crossdresser in a DADT relationship has an accepting wife. She knows what you do and gives you the time and space to do it. That is acceptance. Accept that as acceptance, embrace it (and her). Don't fight it. One day things may change (for the better or the worse) but for now acknowledge how great it is that she allows you to explore that side of you. She could always have decided to forbid the crossdressing, leave you etc. The point is this is what she is comfortable with now... Love her for that.
I think we often miss this.
Whatever youd ecide I would suggest reading the book yourself before giving it to her. Only you can know how your wife may react to some of the more frank assertions (she says very clearly that some of us are gay, some of us are bi, at the very least nearly all of us have wondered what it is to be the woman in a sexual situation, some will transition etc etc).
Hope it works out for you.

[Katie Russell]

Hi Dani

It was as a result of your review that I decided on this post. So thank you for posting in the first place.

I guess, as I've posted before, some of my angst comes from the fact that I still dress behind her back. We haven't discussed my CDing in two years and although I'm happy to continue on the same path I do wonder how she is feeling. I thought I'd read the book to get a little more understanding but I think I have an idea from the postings of other GGs on the site. I must, however, confess that I'm a little scared to venture to other sites where the opinion is not so accepting. From posts here by GGs it appears that knowledge is power and the more they understand about CD the less of a threat it becomes. I was hoping that the book might help to ally some of these fears which is why I wanted to gauge opinion from the members here.

I wouldn't force her to read it but it would be available if she decided that she wanted to find out more. I know communication is the key but if you are in a situation where it is not encouraged then looking at other method of breaking the ice is preferable.

I don't know if the book will help with this but I thought it was worthwhile finding out.

Katie

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are a hetero dresser and want to convince your wife of that, and that you only want to be with her, I'd really recommend avoiding Betty. It deals with many things and might create some doubts in her mind about you being a faithful, hetero dresser. I'd start off with My Husband Wears My Clothes, and some point down the line if she wants to know more about trans generally, then give her Betty. At the early stages, I would not introduce her to anything that does not exclusively with your issues.

[audreyinalbany]

There's another book out there that specifically deals with the POV of wives of cross dressers and trans gender individuals called "Head over Heels" by Virginia Echardt. It basically consists of a series of essays by SO's about their gender fluid husbands. It covers more of the spectrum than "Betty" and might be a good place to start.

[Katie Russell]

Thank you Audrey and Vickie for your recommendations

I'll have a look at those books too.

Katie

[bridget thronton]

I am pretty sure Helen is still is still married to her wife (based on her comments in another forum)

[Taylor186]

Yes, Helen and Betty (now Rachel) are still together. Rachel has transitioned though: something not anticipated in MHB, if I remember right.

I enjoyed the book a lot. I learned some things and it reinforced some things I already knew. I gave it to my wife to read and she started but never finished it. That might be a good thing as I remember Helen saying one time that only the first four chapters apply to "confirmed" crossdressers (such as myself). Chapter five on takes you further down the "slippery slope," as some call it. On-the-whole my wife just wasn't into that kind of detail, and still isn't.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I've read all the books mentioned here so far and I still think "My Husband Betty" is the best one out there hands down. It explains things very clearly where others don't.

The follow on book would be pertinent if a partner was going to transition but otherwise I'd stay away from it.

Head over Heels has stories that go the entire gambit, from casual dresser to post-op transsexual. While it explains the specific relationships at the end it lacks the depth that "Betty" gives. Hence my suggestion to read "Betty" first.

[Greenie]

Weird. I read that they were getting divorced. Hmm. Sorry about that then.

[Taylor186]

Helen's blog for those not aware it still exits: http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/

[Beverley Sims]

Having read both books I find it not surprising that they will go their separate ways.

The first two questions No.

My wife has shown no interest in the books.

[DonnaT]

I remember Helen saying one time that only the first four chapters apply to "confirmed" crossdressers (such as myself). Chapter five on takes you further down the "slippery slope," as some call it.

You remember correctly, Taylor. :)

It may help to have your wife highlight portions of each chapter she has questions about, and after she reads (if she reads it) the chapter, y'all can have a discussion before moving on to the next chapter.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Weird. I read that they were getting divorced. Hmm. Sorry about that then.


Having read both books I find it not surprising that they will go their separate ways.

As far as I know as a Looooooong-time My Husband Betty community member (since 2004!), they are NOT getting divorced. In fact, Helen just referred to Rachel as her wife just today on her blog.



You remember correctly, Taylor. :)

Yup, Helen herself said that about the first four chapters.

I consider MHB and STNMIM to be essential reading, sure not everything in either book applies to everyone, but they're damn good books. I also have recommended J.J. Allen's "The Man in the Red Velvet Dress" as a general primer, but it's getting a bit long in the tooth.

Veronica

[Michelle James]

I have a copy that I have read a couple times if anyone would like it PM me. Just pay the shipping and it's yours. Mods if this is in the wrong place or violates policy pleas dispose of it as you see fit.

Michelle

[Katie Russell]

Has anyone read this book?

Crossdressing with Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines

Katie

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I downloaded a copy of "My husband wears my clothes' by Peggy J Rudd and found myself nodding in agreement with a lot of what was written. As Vickie said it is a gentle introduction to CDing from a SO perspective and includes lots of tips on making a marriage work, dealing with parents and children. I think that it condenses a lot of what has already been written in this forum into a 100+ page book and I would recommend it to anyone who has recently come out to a SO or is considering doing it. It explains about the motivations for dressing, femininity and the benefits of life with a CD!

I'm going to work my way through a few of the other books written by Peggy and will report back.

Katie

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

My wife actually gave me the book. She has always been supportive and helpful in my journey. She gave me another book called Gender Outlaw that was funny and informative

[detty]

My Husband Wears My Clothes vs My Husband Betty

So is my verdict:

I liked My Husband Wears My Clothes, it is a good book and did do good to advocating for crossdressing, making people better understand it. Dr. Rudd is very clearly describing the desire and relief part as well as crossdressing being part of the totality of the individual’s personality. It is also an easier reading then My Husband Betty, being less blunt and avoiding risky, but otherwise very important questions. These include transitioning (the slippery slope theory) with the whole time axis, meaning gender identity evolving over time, plus she limits practically observations to happily married 100% definite heterosexual crossdressers, denying different blends and combinations on the sex-gender-sexual orientation axis. Theories in Betty can be scientifically substantiated, some in My Husband Wears My Clothes cannot. Betty reflects on coping with crossdressing with an equal and emancipated view, while My Husband Wears My Clothes will through a gender view, women have already moved away from decades ago. Despite all said, both books have great merits and deserve to be read and embraced, but my vote is clearly My Husband Betty as first reading to you or your SO, because even if it is more risky, it relates to our world in a more precise and current way.

Read the full review here: http://femidity.ch/articles/view-emancipated-crossdresser-s-wife-vs-semi-emancipated/

Kisses,

Detty

[Tracii G]

You might want to read "Hung in the middle" by Alana Nicole Sholar and "My husband looks better in lingerie than I do dammit " by Bobbie Thompson.
Both are friends of mine and wonderful people.
Its their stories about gender discovery.

[PaulaQ]

I liked "My Husband Betty", and the sequel, "She's not the man I married."

My ex-wife wouldn't read either of them, or really anything else.

I cried reading both books. I saw where it was going really fast. I felt really bad for Helen. I've talked to her a couple of times. Last time I checked, she and Betty were still hanging in there.The first book is OK, it really does discuss a lot of the possible outcomes for CDs. The only negative to the books is that Helen and Betty's story is the worst case scenario for spouses of a CD.

I'm actually quite sad right now, just thinking about this.

Maybe it's better that it is this way. If a spouse is of a mind to bail when the going gets tough, well, perhaps its better for all concerned if that happens quickly? So telling her "this can be hard" is fair warning.

[detty]

To me reading Betty and getting to understand "worst case" scenarios actually were revelating and helpful. Knowing what could happen helps you understand the situation better and make more conscious decisions. Everything else is half truth, which is easier to digest, but will not really protect you on your way. When I am riding my motorbike, I always remind myself what could happen. It makes me a concious rider. Betty made me a conscious dresser.