Alone now

[Amanda22]

...and trying not to feel lonely. I haven't posted for months because things were starting to break down in my marriage. My former wife was always very encouraging of my dressing and presenting as female. She'd buy me things to wear all the time because she knew it made me happy. And I always let her know I appreciated that.

However, in December 2014 it became clear to both of us that I wasn't simply crossdressing. I was pre-transitional. At that point, my wife went into a real soul-searching. I know this was a terribly difficult position for her to be in after six years of marriage. She gave me hope that we'd stay together as a couple by saying that she'd learn to deal with it because she loves me. Well, it became too much for her and she wanted to divorce me, which she did. At that time, she said it'd been a strain on her for the past couple of years to tolerate the crossdressing once or twice a week. So all the truth came out. It isn't bad or good truth; just truth.

So anyhow, the only reason I moved to Chattanooga was to marry her, and now that we're over there's no reason to stay. I rented an apartment for a year to sort of call "time out" while I gather my head. In the midst of this, my therapist urged me to see a psychiatrist for a mental illness evaluation. It turns out I have bipolar 1 and PTSD (thank you, childhood home life). My mother died one week after that, and she left me nothing from her $2.2M estate. Honestly, I care not about the money, but I'd been trying to reconcile with her for 6 years and this was her final middle finger to me.

To make things worse, Chattanooga is a small town in terms of being quite gossipy. Typical southern town. My ex is very well-connected in the university and political culture here, and of course everyone is congratulating her on the wise choice to dump the tranny. She isn't hateful to me, and we're trying to remain friends, going out to dinner, to hike, etc., but she kept all our local friends while they dropped me like a hot coal. There is no future for me here in the next year.

I'm a software developer, so I'm lucky to be able to live anywhere I have an internet connection. I'm focusing on trying to research places to live which are far from Chattanooga, TN. I will definitely leave the backwards southeast. I just don't know where to go. I'm thinking about a Roadtrek RV to live in full time and travel from place to place across the US. I know a developer in the UK who does that. I'm trying to see this as an opportunity for a fresh start. But the losses I've had so far in 2015 have been a lot to bear.

I thought I'd found the right mate. In the end, I turned her off with being who I am. I believe I'll be alone the rest of my life because women just don't like people like me, and I don't like men. I'm just glad I have a great dog for companionship.

Thanks for listening.

[kimdl93]

Mandy, I'm really saddened to hear about your divorce. I know it's a common event, but still it must come as a shock after being lead to believe in her acceptance and support.

I'm also sorry to hear about the diagnoses...when it rains... Anyway, PTSD does response to therapy and bipolar disorder is medically manageable, so there will be better times ahead! I like the RV idea. It brings to mind a programmer I saw working from a recumbent bike as he pedaled across the country, uploading code as he went!

Best wishes in the coming months!

[Kate T]

Amanda, I really am so sorry for your break up.

Life is a journey. It is not always easy. You have talked about a lifetime of mental health concerns and it seems to me until you can accept and truly be yourself then those concerns will always rear their ugly head, thus it seems going forward with transition really is the best option for you. It is sad that your wife could not take this journey with you. Find yourself, be kind to others and be happy in yourself and you will find another partner. It may take some time but you will.

Best wishes

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have a great dog too!!:hugs:

I have had the exact feeling you are having Amanda. some of what you wrote feels word for word from me in 2006-2008.

What Adina is saying is very true...be kind to yourself!! there has been no YOU to be kind to...what you are doing is transcendent(and painful).

What i can tell you is that your best course of action is to thrive as the person (i'm assuming woman) that you are. The loss is real, and it will sting for a long time. I must admit i feel the sting right now as i type this out, but i also know that i thrived and did what i needed to do...i survived and its a good counter to the loss...and as you move forward with your life hopefully you will find some of the loss changing into something even more special as you may develop new understandings with people including your ex

[Rachelakld]

You made a massive life change, and while you have both suffered, your future plans sounds amazing.
I wish I could do remote work and RV around the country or world.
And if you and your dog do RV / hike etc, I would love to read your book one day and see your adventure in photos as well.

As for women, you know while they are young, the want family and security, but once they have done that, then they look for adventure / freedom / companionship etc, so I doubt you will be alone for the rest of your life.
Live the dream and the right woman will turn up ( but become the person you want to be first)

Best of luck, and when you do publish your book, let us know

[STACY B]

Best thing you could do is Run from here. Never to return because there is little to no help here for us an no chance of ever being in total peace in our lifetime. I am sorry for all your troubles and hope you will find a better place to live. Don't come here whatever you do. The farther south you get the worse is gets. Remember Jurrasic Park III? They wanted to get to the water or coast, an after they found the boy on the way he said the closer you get to the coast the worse things got? I can relate and so go West, North, But not South! You will find the love of your life somewhere out there. There are many woman who want to love an be loved without judgement, So you get your head strait an calm down an live your life on your terms from now on.

[Ann Louise]

Amanda, I would suggest that you consider the Pacific NW as a place to make your new home. Besides a wide range of natural beauty and a long growing season, we have a large trans community that extends virtually from the Canada border down to Eugene, OR. Seattle is particularly appealing given the excellent psychological and medical care, and a huge melting pot of progressive liberal people. Go Northwest Young Girl ^_^

[oh, and we are very strong in IT-related employment, too, of course]

[I Am Paula]

It is always sad to hear of another trans relationship breakup. I hope you can move on.
We all say that no cis person can understand our situation. It is equally true that we cannot understand what our SO is going thru.
It's been almost two years since I told my wife I was going to transition. We're still together, but I have to admit, sometimes I still lie awake at night listening for the other shoe to drop. The best any of us can do is keep our fingers crossed.

[Eringirl]

Hi Amanda. To be honest, I had wondered where you went to. Soooo sorry to learn of your loss and your situation. I can empathize to a certain degree as my marriage of 30 just came to and end and my wife is leaving in a few weeks, as soon as she can move into her own place. And yes, my dog has been some comfort, but she is quite old, 14, and is getting quite feeble, so I am afraid that I will be loosing her shortly. Yup, rain??, that would be pouring rain...:sigh:

I agree. Time to get out of Dodge. Not healthy to stay there. And right now, you are priority number 1. I am sure there are places that would be more comfortable for you and your skill set is both in demand and portable, so at least you have the flexibility.

I fully understand the loneliness. I too am preparing for a life on my own as I also anticipate that it will be next to impossible for me to find a woman who will accept a trans woman as a partner. But on the bright side....I can be pretty good company for myself at times!! :D

Keep us posted here, and feel free to vent as required.

Be well.

[Janice Ashton]

Amanda

Having had similar experiences to yourself I felt lost and in the wilderness when I got my divorce for being who I am. BUT I managed to turn the negative into a positive by changing my thoughts that after the divorce it left me free with my whole life ahead of me to be exactly who I really am. Sacrifices 'Yes' we all have to make them yet they can be worth it, you will find tomorrow and the next day and the next day will get better and better, being single has lots of really good points and living gets a lot better.
Be who you want to be and enjoy life

Good luck and best wishes

[Karen62]

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about these changes in your life. There is good news, though, in that the passing of time does make a difference. I had a 17-year marriage fail on me. It was a more of a best friend relationship for most of it, but nevertheless, she left me for greener pastures, and I was devastated. But rest assured that you can make it through this dark hour.

I want to second Ann Louise on the Pacific Northwest -- especially with your skill set. It's a great place to be, even if you aren't TG!

All the best to you, my dear,

Karen

[Suzanne F]

Amanda
I too am beginning to transition. My wife and I are trying to navigate this together. However, I like a lot here don't know how it will turn out. I appreciate that lonely feeling. You sound like a bright young woman with a big life in front of you. Your skills are applicable in the most liberal areas of the country. Find one and plug into a community of people like us! I vote for Northern California! Look me up.
Hugs
Suzanne

[charlenesomeone]

Amanda sorry for how this part of your journey is but like the others said, you have a great future girl.
All the best.
Hugs

[Allsteamedup]

You have written about yourself here with no mention of the grieving your wife will do. If you lose a spouse through illness or accident it is easier to accept others' sympathy. Explaining that your spouse was the other woman takes courage.

At least you have not taken a lifetime to come to this decision. There is a lot of support out there with others in your situation.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thanks for telling us your story Amanda.

I think you're being a little over-gloomy about consigning your future to the isolation department. Living somewhere a little hipper would certainly be a good start.

Are you saying that were you to transition, you'd see yourself as being lesbian? If so, is there not the possibility of having your cake and eating it?

Meantime I hope you will be really positive about moving on with your life and not staying any longer than necessary where you are. I'm glad your ex is being reasonably friendly, but you plainly need to get away and forge a new life.

Warm wishes,

Nikki