A GG colleague's observation

[MissTee]

Today during a conversation --completely out of the blue -- a GG colleague of mine comments: "So, I've noticed you and xxx (another colleague) are as close to girls as straight men can get. You always are talking about how you "feel", and you've got this whole nail care and hair care thing down to a science. You're fun to be around, you get it when I talk about how we should show more compassion for certain things, and I feel we bond on a level only girls would understand. But, you're a guy and that's kind of weird and cool all at the same time. I don't know what I'm trying to say, really, but hey, I feel there's something different about you. And, I don't mean that in a bad way."

Have to admit I'm not sure what I should do with that revelation.

[kimdl93]

It would be fair to acknowledge what she's already observed...that you do feel more in common with women in many respects. Then wait to see where the conversation leads.

[pamela7]

that was an open invite to reveal yourself, to gain a friendly companion on the CD journey!

[Beverley Sims]

Come out, come out, wherever you are. :)

[Sonia_cd]

I'm going to buck the trend here and read what she said as her internal conflict arising from gender stereotypes and conditioning. I don't see it as an invitation to come out to her. What you could do however, is continue to reinforce her changing opinion by being a sensitive, caring individual. Caring for and loving oneself, be it grooming or emotional freedom, does not know the supposed boundaries of male and female.

sonia

[Claire Cook]

I'd have to side with the majority here. If it were me, I'd say "Let's go for a cup of coffee" and do the reveal. I have have found the overwhelming majority of GG's I've come out to be to remarkably positive and encouraging -- even a few female colleagues at work. (If they have told others where I work, it hasn't been a negative.)

The only down side would be your work situation -- i assume your colleagues are work colleagues.

[Marcelle]

Hi MissTee,

I agree with Sonia . . . I see this as an open invitation to a new friendship only. She may have inklings that you are CD (I suppose) but then again she may just see you as a caring and sharing person and someone she can identify with. Coming out to those around you is a big decision and once that information is leaked even to one, you loose control of it permanently. So, if you have no issues with other people at work knowing you are CD, potentially your family and friends then coming out could be a step you take with this person at some juncture. However, if you are not prepared for that potential . . . I would take this as an opportunity to make a new friend then wait and see.

Hugs

Isha

[jjjjohanne]

I wonder if there is a subtle expression of a prejudice against how men behave embedded in this conversation. You know? "You're OK... for a man."
I am not declaring there is a dislike here, but I am saying that I wonder...

Joey

[Krisi]

I think her comment is just that you don't seem like the stereotypical male, talking about football and NASCAR all the time, dressing like a slob and belching and farting. I don't think it's an invitation to reveal to her that you are a crossdresser.

Unless you don't care if you are out to the world, revealing your hobby to anyone who doesn't need to know and can be trusted is a bad idea. People have a hard time keeping secrets.

[Suzie Petersen]

You are expecting that she is connecting two behaviors, and that she at some level understand that one also means the other. She may not!

Many here in this forum or "community" often feel that our dressing leads us to also be more gentle, kind, compassionate, interested in others etc. We allow our selves to drop the caveman behavior and adopt a gentler attitude which we think are otherwise solely reserved for women. Some feel that is part of the transformation, part of playing the role of a female and part of what makes us "pass", others feel that taking on the female role allow them to break free from the traditional bonds of the male provider role and allows us to relax more.

But, dont we also often discuss the fact that most women dont get that! When we try to explain to our wifes that if we can just be allowed to do the dressing part, she will in return get all this nice behavior too. How often does that work out?
Your colleague is on the trail. She has found one of the pieces of the puzzle, but it doesn't mean that she sees the whole picture. I have never ever heard anyone, outside the TG community, make comments like "Yes this guy was found dressing as a women, but did you notice how kind and nice that made him!". Never.

So I would be careful with the revelation, as others have suggested. Use the usual cautions and work through all the aspects of it. What are the benefits of her knowing your secret. What are the dangers. Expect that she will share it with others eventually, and think through how that will change your relationship with your work and other colleagues etc etc. And then see how things go down the road. She has acknowledged that she is comfortable with your general behavior and attitude etc, you made a friend across the isle. Awesome. But it may not mean more than that.

Hugs
Suzie

[Ineke Vashon]

Have to admit I'm not sure what I should do with that revelation.

Smile and say: "Thank you. What a nice thing to say." And wait for whatever develops.

Ineke

[GingerLeigh]

I've been told "you're such a girl" more than I can remember. I guess my observations and reactions aren't always what people think as "manly". Personally I don't know what they're talking about but hey, whatever. I'm told I'm too wordy, speak too clearly, know too much about girl stuff, and have a notoriously odd sense of humor.

[JenniferR771]

How about a "partial reveal" ? For instance show her your pictures from a Halloween "long ago". Give her a few minutes to react--give her an opportunity to respond positive or negative, and ask more probing questions.

[meganmartin]

I agree that is not an open invitation to spill the beans, however it is a good way to bond with another person and see where that goes. Somewhere along the way you may get that open invitation to tell her more. Just like in all relationships / friendships you have to build a foundation of trust.

[Taylor186]

I agree with what I see as the majority here :), This is NOT an invitation to talk about crossdressing.

[DanaR]

This reminds me of a conversation that I had with my doctor one day. We were talking about differences between male and female. She recounted a situation she had with some other doctors; which were all women, except for one male. The male doctor made a point about something and later one of the other doctors commented about what he had said, but instead referred to the original point being made by one of the other women. The male doctor became upset about this and my doctor told him that he had just been paid a compliment; which was that he had been referred to as female.

[Leslie Langford]

"...So, I've noticed you and xxx (another colleague) are as close to girls as straight men can get. You always are talking about how you "feel", and you've got this whole nail care and hair care thing down to a science. You're fun to be around, you get it when I talk about how we should show more compassion for certain things, and I feel we bond on a level only girls would understand. But, you're a guy and that's kind of weird and cool all at the same time. I don't know what I'm trying to say, really, but hey, I feel there's something different about you. And, I don't mean that in a bad way..."

Yep, that's a pretty good summation of how most of us CDers see ourselves, and your work colleague is very astute - just not for the reasons that she likely thinks. And as Sonia so rightly points out, ingrained gender socialization and expectations can really play mind games with the "muggles", who struggle to put the likes of us into a standard, more familiar, and "safe" box.

I agree with the others here...I would not assume from these comments alone that your colleague is either on to your crossdressing, or else would wholeheartedly endorse it if you should make the "big reveal" to her. I would accept her comment graciously for the time being, continue to be yourself, see how your relationship with her develops, and then see if she makes similar comments in the future - which might then be a sign that she is actually trying to feel you out on this topic. That's the point - should it ever happen - where you might be on safer ground in owning up to your transgender nature.

Women frequently have mixed feelings about the likes of us. They often have openly gay BFF's who are their "go-to" friends for fashion advice and many actually enjoy drag shows, which are especially strong magnets for bachelorette parties for reasons best known to themselves. But when it comes to a personal relationship with a CDer - as many of us here with non-supportive or DADT-inclined SO's can attest to - NIMBYism (Not in My Back Yard) is often the order of the day.

[Dana44]

Yep, we are a bit strange. Dual spirited, I like to cook and sew and My SO does not. It's a girly thing I think. Most A type males would never understand. Yet as a SCI-FI writer, I find that the two halves of me make up a lot in creation. I think it's a gift many times that others do not have. Look at all of the nice poems in here. And yes we do have more compassion for others. We do sync well with females and some males. I've sat with many type A males. Sometimes they looked at me, like studying me and I always wondered what they thought. Puny male perhaps?
Yet I'm physically fit and can protect myself and my SO.

[CountessVF]

She may just find a man that can carry those conversations interesting. And has no suspicions that you do anything out of the ordinary. Finding out about cd'ing might actually detract from her fascination because it'll "explain" it. I wouldn't reveal anything and just be friendly.

[Erika Lyne]

Miss Tee,

It seems to me that she came to you and made these remarks with one of two objectives. One: she really does appreciate that you are not the caveman as many other men in your office may come across as. She's being genuine to you and really just saying thanks for being there as one of her friends. This doesn't sound like the best time to reveal and it may never be if this is her intent. Or two: she is on your trail. She has picked up the scent of something different in you and is trying to find out what that is. Manners may be your tell but I sense that she thinks this is rooted deeper. She may be the type of person with a comfortable "openly gay BFF" as Leslie Langley stated and she may think that you are gay. If this is the case a reveal is still probably not the best option either. As Isha has said, once you are out you lose control. If you think this is where she's coming from, let her chase and hunt. Don't just roll over and play dead. I'd say something like,"Aww...thank you. That is so very sweet of you to say that. I just think that every person has emotions and I can't put mine out with the trash. Besides, I'm quite a complicated person deep inside and (holding up a good set of manicured hand) being able to express it is just one way I can live to be who I am." With a statement like this, you've said so much and nothing at the same time. Then, invite yourself for girl-time when the workmates get together for lunch and see where it goes.

With all that said, I've come out to a few women and one gay man at work but not on the first compassionate remark. Most came to me with a similar sentiment and I let them hunt for it so that when the reveal was made it wasn't a huge thing but rather them fitting the pieces together and I held the last one deep in my purse. All have kept it to themselves or shared conversations with others that I'm out to (I also told each of them with whom I'm out to.). It was and still is a huge risk.

Let us know where it goes and have fun with it.

-E

[pamela7]

i observed quite early-on one of societies great childhood games going on with the CD world - "hide and seek". While not everyone here is playing it, probably no-one consciously, it's there to be seen with many folks. The game is boring without the chase, and in the end the child has to be found (out), or its not really a game. The biggest hiders don't even join this forum, they just watch - 4 times as many watchers on these threads than members, sometimes even 10-times as many.

If we all came out en-masse, the local worlds would change, we would become normality, no more fear. The hiders are fearful and make it more dangerous for those who do let themselves be found. It's the same with few places now where children walk to/from school. Cowardy-custards serve no-one (except the predators).

[ReineD]

Have to admit I'm not sure what I should do with that revelation.

I should think you'd be happy?

It's odd though, that your friend thinks that talking about feelings, being compassionate, and relating well to women is a "girl" thing to do and she thinks it weird to find these qualities in a male.

I do agree with her that if you have long fingernails and you style your hair like a woman's, then this would set you apart from other men.

I work with lots of males. They span the entire spectrum of compassion, attention to detail, artistic interests, sensitivity, or any other qualities that are stereotypically thought of as belonging to females. If you are on the upper end of these things, it means that you are a very pleasant person to be around, and really you should take it as a compliment. :)

[RADER]

My wife always stated that what made me a better husband than any of her friends had,
was because I thought like a girl on some things. She loved the fact that I treated her
with respect and dignity above what other men did to their mates.
Rader

[Pat]

It's odd though, that your friend thinks that talking about feelings, being compassionate, and relating well to women is a "girl" thing to do and she thinks it weird to find these qualities in a male.

Maybe she just has bad taste in men ;)

[Ceera]

Curious about her comment that "you've got this whole nail care and hair care thing down to a science". Do you paint your nails while at work en-drab? Have long hair that is perhaps confined an a 'male' pony tail, but always neat and well cared for?

If it was me, I think I would thank her politely for the complement, and admit that, 'There is much that I admire about the feminine way of approaching life, and I see no shame in emulating many of those behaviors that I admire in women.' And I would try to cultivate more of a friendship with her. See where it goes from there, but she sounds like a good friend to cultivate.

Perhaps she would also be a good person to quietly come out to, but I'd take it slowly. Not a step you can retract, once taken.

[Nadine Spirit]

... what she said as her internal conflict arising from gender stereotypes and conditioning. I don't see it as an invitation to come out to her.




It's odd though, that your friend thinks that talking about feelings, being compassionate, and relating well to women is a "girl" thing to do and she thinks it weird to find these qualities in a male.


I agree with these thoughts. But I will add, if you want to come out to someone, she sounds like a fine choice. On occasion I have taken opportunities to do so while at other times I would never reveal myself to some.

[Valery L]

Receiving that kind of remarks is something uncommon, at least in my experience. If she was intrigued enough to consider necessary to share her thoughts with you and to tell you that it is a positive thing. I think that sharing your secret might be something good. Those kind of opportunities are not frequent, if you feel comfortable and you know the girl well enough, maybe this is a good opportunity to find a good the girl to support your femme side.

[lingerieLiz]

All my friends are women. It has been noticed over the years that I relate to women. While I was friends with women I didn't date girls that were friends. Some of the girls decoded my interest in fem clothes. Others never got it.

[ReineD]

It occurs to me that maybe she suspects and she is fishing for information? This could be a good thing, it could show that she is open-minded.

Is this someone that you feel close to and trust, or is she more acquaintance status.

[MissTee]

All great comments, and thank you all for the feedback. A little about my hair and nails: I have a well groomed, very "average guy in the workplace" haircut (above the ears and tapered in back) and I do not paint my nails. That said, most know I go to a speciality salon to get my haircut and colored (grey control) and I routinely have spa days and get mani/pedis. Some of the guys rib me about it, and I openly talk about it to anyone who wants to. The look I carry is "well groomed" rather than femme. Likewise, I am not small in stature by any means and the many years spent powerlifting still define me to some extent (think broad shoulders and big arms.) In short, in the uninformed mind I'd probably be the last person (by looks and build) that would be suspected of dressing.

I met several more times with my GG colleague today and she didn't say anything else and I did not bring it up. Privately, I was very flattered by her comment and will likely relay that to her soon. I won't be doing a reveal, though. I'm certainly not ready for that and not in the workplace for certain.

I do sense that she was extending an olive branch of sorts. The business is predominantly male with much of that being old school male. That kind of culture can be tough for the ladies to fit into, and a lot will privately share they struggle with gaining respect. In that same environment I thrive even though I freely talk about feelings and how great mani/pedis are. In that sense my GG colleague may view me as sort of a bridge between the worlds. I doubt it's a, "Hey, you must wear dresses when you're not at work," kind of probing. In any event it will be interesting to find out over the next few weeks. I'll be sure to keep you ladies posted.

[Samantha_Smile]

Sounds like she either suspects something, or she was flirting.

Either way, she sounds cool.

[Sammy777]

Today during a conversation --completely out of the blue -- a GG colleague of mine comments: "So, I've noticed you and xxx (another colleague) are as close to girls as straight men can get.

I think a lot here may have glossed over this very important part [in bold above].
She wasn't just talking about you but about you and another person.
I would use it as a springboard to further get to know her and talk more, but I would leave the CD'ing out of it.

[deebra]

Keep Quiet, especially to someone you work with, she may or may not handle it, she may be your friend for a while, then the friendship goes stale and she outs you to the whole office and the Jeannie can never be put back in the bottle. If you need a friend find one away from work.

[Babbs]

I agree with Sonia as well. I i think some of what we think the real world thinks of us is more of a dream than reality. To most people, even open minded people, we as a group are a bit strange.

[MissTee]

We have chatted a few times since my post. She continues to share her feelings, and now I notice when she talks to e she occasionally rest her hand on my hand or my arm. Not in a romantic way, but more like a sisterly touch if that makes sense. Not matter, I have no intent in coming out to someone at work. I fear, as some here have said, that the winds which put me in favor could change to my detriment.

[Tina955]

You've mentioned it is a mainly male dominated place. I think she sees you as a small comfort zone in a sea of testosterone.
Agree to just leave well enough alone and not divulge.

Tina

[Morgan Matthews]

I think you can take it slowly. She already mentioned the nail care. Maybe, bring up shaved legs or something else a little girly. If it gets positive feedback, you can continue the reveal. If it seems to reach a place she is uncomfortable with, you can back off. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing journey. One step at a time.

[Lisa-N]

I believe that this is a wonderful opportunity to deepen your friendship and continue to expand your softer side. I don't see it as an invitation to come out for all the reasons previously stated by others. If at some point the subject arises then perhaps it might lead to further revelations but for now I would just enjoy the friendship and chance to be who you are inside. Best of luck!