Why, damn it!!!

[Donnagirl]

Why.... I'm pulling myself out of another week or so of anger, depression, wall punching ,WTF am I doing mental state... I thought I was over this, thought I was passed that point. Why the irrational mindset, why the self doubt. I have so much, an envious family, work and social acceptance and certainly no right to be feeling like this... I feel so selfish, unworthy to complain.

I've lost my first friend, my best friend, a fellow CD/TG who couldn't come to terms with my apparent freedom. If only she knew how fragile the veneer of my public confidence, how tenuous my 'in your face world' attitude was... The loss of that friendship is a real stab to the heart... New found girly emotions are working overtime. I'm so over crying...

Why can't this be easier? Dare I say it sucks to be me again?

[Beverley Sims]

Donna,
Sit down, think what you have done over the past few weeks and all the people that have accepted what you have done.

Losing your best friend does tear you apart but will it be permanent?

You may find that she will come back and mend the fences.

If not look around at the other opportunities that are on offer.

A week is a long time in politics and can seem the same when you are depressed.

Look at your avatar, that is very uplifting. :)

[msniki48]

Donna,

Self loathing , for whatever reason seems to be a big part of our existence.... for every one of you [ out and about ] there are 100's of me.... stuck inside.... and that could be internally driven or external, such as job or family. enjoy your freedom, accept that not everyone will accept it. [ for whatever reason ] you can't please everyone all of the time. you can please some of the people some of the time.

I envy you and your in your face attitude... kudos

hugs

niki

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Donna, Slow down and take time to smell the roses, I think that you are overwhelming yourself.
I'm so happy for you in coming out and your being accepted by so many.:daydreaming:
It seams like you have been overcome with the PINK FOG. >Orchid:hugs:

[Jennifer_Ph]

Whenever you are so mad that you want to throw something, do it with your non-dominate arm. For me that would be my left. Throw it as hard as you can. You'll soon be laughing at yourself.

[Pat]

Aww, sweetie... I'm so sad to read of your inner turmoil especially when things seemed to be going so great.

It sounds vapid, but try not to focus on the things that upset you -- consciously change the inner dialog when you start hearing the negative stuff. Meet "You aren't worthy" with "Yes, I know. Aren't I lucky then that I have....?" Just acknowledge the thought and consciously move on. It takes a while, but you can force yourself out of the negative mindset.

I hope you find your way back to happiness soon.

[Jenny Elwood]

Relax Donna, if you react like this after winning a World Cup, how bad are you going to take it when you don't (later this year obviously). :cheer:

On a more serious note, what is the cause of all this pent up depression/anger. Is it because you are frustrated at being a bit too girly for your taste again?

[Welshgirl]

Oh Donna,

I was just about to write on your other thread about the letter that you wrote to your biker group. Yours was one of two threads that have helped me enormously recently.

My SO is Pamela, a CDer also on this forum, and I have been working my way through how to deal with Pamela's desire to be out to absolutely everyone. I think it is more scary when there is the fear of being caught or found out - perhaps that's part of the thrill for some people, but as a GG who has entered this world by proxy, then that fear is something that I don't want to have to deal with. Of course, making sure that everyone knows is the only sure fire way of not being in the situation where you might get caught, but that had never even occurred to me as being possible. I think I'm too much of a scaredy-cat to have considered it, to be honest!

I wanted to thank you for your bravery, your honesty and your post, because without that I would have had a much harder time contemplating Pamela's 'outing'.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend - sometimes people cannot bear for others to have what they dare not have themselves, and their only way of coping is to run away from what is become a source of pain to them. I wish I could give you a big hug, but we are on the wrong side of the globe for that so you will have to make do with a virtual one instead :hugs:

Welshgirl

[Suzie Petersen]

Dear Donna,

Just pick up the user manual that was given to your parents when you were born. Go to the chapter named "Life will be easy!" ....... oh wait, didnt come with a manual, right, no such chapter!

You have taken some incredible steps in a very short time. Left me breathless to be honest! But revealing the dressing secret is not a magic pill that makes everything good. The grass is strangely enough not all that much greener when you are wearing a skirt. I think you are battling several inner demons and that you might need some external help with some of them. There are lots of things you can do about anger issues and physical expression of inner frustration. Find someone who knows about such things and talk to them.

Put your Big girl pants on and work through this!

Hugs
Suzie

[SandraB]

Donna:

Losing a friend is very difficult and I hope it's only temporary. I suppose we would not have the highs we do if we didn't also experience the lows. You are an inspiration and as Berverly says 'look at your avatar'. It immediately lifts me everytime I see it.

Hope you cheer up soon.

[MsVal]

Oh, Donna, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend ((hug)).

Losing someone you care about IS tough. It's an invalidation of you, your beliefs; your 'self'. And it hurts. It would hurt any man, but it seems to hurt women more. At least they are a good deal more open about it. They aren't expected to put on a straight face and pretend that everything is fine. They can receive comfort by talking about it with friends that will provide the support and validation that is sorely needed. THAT is a benefit of having feminine feelings. This forum is full of warm, sensitive, women that are incredibly fond of you. If you reach out to them, they can be those soft shoulders that you need right now.

Yes, those feelings all new and foreign to us. They are scary, unpleasant, and confusing. Compare that to maintaining a masculine presentation when the woman inside is beating on the walls to be set free. Instead of new and foreign, that's old and familiar. That's scary, unpleasant, and confusing too. Do you suppose that some day in the near future you will find that you have integrated Donna into your life so well that her feelings are welcomed? I believe so, and I hope that you do too.

If I were to give one piece of advice, it would be to embrace those feelings rather than reject them. They are honest, they are yours, and they are beautiful.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Bria]

Donna, I just posted on another thread how important I feel it is to maintain relationships, so I feel very sorry that you have lost one of those that could have been part of that support group for you. Maybe time will bring your friend back, I remember Isha having a similar experience and later being able to reconnect. I hope that can happen for you.

In the mean time remember that those here are in your corner cheering for YOU.

Hugs, Bria

[Kate Simmons]

Not sure Donna, but you can talk to me any time Hon. :)

[Alice Torn]

Donna, We sure live in a turmoil filled crazy world! I have lost many friends the past five years, since i moved 2000 miles, my family of origin rejects me, even though i do not think they know about Alice, and i do not have one close friend anywhere now. When I had to quit my business, and leave all my friends, to move to this pit, another friend met the woman of his dreams, gopt married, is wealthy now, and had a beautiful son, but i am in my deepest poverty, with no SO. Suicide has hit my mind often, but i have two cats, and i could not leave them to go with out me. And, I still believe in a higher power some. This too shall pass. One day at a time. Easy does it. I wish i had the courage you have shown over and over. The anger and rage, is likely your male macho guy side rebelling again against all this Donna femininity again. Part of me hates crossdressing, and trying to be a lady part time, and unlike you, i fear peoples reaction to a six foot six guy dressed trying to look like a lady. Acceptance that we have this proclivity, trait, habit is a key. I am coming to learn to accept that i have this trait, even though my church says to ask higher power to rid me of it. I now realize, that i will stop dressing someday, when i am too old and infirmed, or dead!! In the next world, i won't have the urge or need to. One day at a time. Serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thanks for sharing, it is the right thing to do.

[CynthiaD]

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend. Some unhappy people want others to be just as unhappy as they are so they can commiserate. They're not looking for friends, they're looking for "crying partners."

Move on.
Find some new friends.
Be happy.

[Katey888]

Dear Donna... :hugs:

I seem to recall you saying recently that it was all going too well...? I guess no journey is without its fair share of unexpected bumps and potholes in the road - you just have take them as it comes... and keep going... Like you said yourself, you have so much to be grateful for... :thinking:

And if I'm feeling negative and sorry for myself, this is my ultimate, kick-myself-up-the-jacksey, face up to the world song... (and yes, this is tugging more at my positive, male aspect - but sometimes that's OK for us and our half-&-half personas.. :))


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H-Y7MAASkg

Yep! I truly believe there's a song for every situation...

Chin up Donna... :cheer:

Katey x

[charlenesomeone]

Donna, so very sorry about you friend. It will get better, think of
all the good things.
Mega hugs

[Adriana Moretti]

one thing is certain in this community...you cant rely on anyone but yourself....girls come, girls go....some actually do come back around with 1001 exuses, actually...most do....so look on the bright side...maybe she will come back....in the meantime focus on the most important person in the world, yourself...and enjoy life xoxo

[AngelaYVR]

It hurts and it hurts down to the quick. But don't punch the wall, that hurts more. I can send you some horrible knick-knacks that I wouldn't mind seeing the back of for you to smash instead.

Angela xox

[kimdl93]

Not sure if you've considered this, but have you explored the possibility of bipolar disorder with your therapist? The cycles of your modes may indicate something along those lines.

[Alice Torn]

I second Kim's suggestion. I was confronted in 1990, that i may have manic depressive or bi polar, and i got some help . Super highs, and super lows.

[Donnagirl]

My psychiatrist did test me for indicators of bi-polar disorder but was satisfied.... I'm more of the opinion that Jenny is closer to the point, in that I'm still struggling with coming to terms with the idea that I'm transgender. I certainly get the lows, but there's no associated hypomania, no delusional, hedonistic or hallucinogetic episodes. I don't have the high energy 'wired' feelings (though I could certainly use them). I just seem to let things bring me down and perhaps wallow in that self pity a little too long...

I do hope I can restore my friendship. She was a major support and was instrumental in kicking my arse into 'get over it' mode (thanks Katey)...

[Alice Torn]

Donna, I can a bit understand. i have a love/hate relationship with my transvestism. But, working on acceptance, that this is just part of me.

[kimdl93]

Well, just to be on the safe side revisit the topic with your therapist. Such things may not test out the first time through, then become apparent later. Of course, mood swings may be a reflection of some subconscious or conscious wrangling over self acceptance...but the cyclic nature really has me wondering. You might also want to explore cognitive therapy techniques aimed at helping you learn to manage your depressive moods...which is where you seem to be right now.

[sometimes_miss]

It's reading things like this that keep me from coming out to people. I think that their discomfort might come from their belief that being a crossdresser and the whole gender thing is a choice. So I've made my decision that if I ever get discovered by anyone else, to tell them my desire to crossdress all started after a head injury in a motorcycle accident.

[cassiekat]

Wow that was funny sometimes miss. I know how you feel Donna , stop giving hardware stores all your money for patching. Sorry about your friend, I lost almost all my friends. I still talk to a few people I worked with years ago.

[TinaZ]

Hey Donna:

One of the things that sometimes helps me when I get low is to make a list (literally or mentally) of some of the things being transgender has given you. Me? I LOVE hearing the click-clack of my heels. I love the sweet smell of translucent powder. I love feeling the weight of dangly, silver earrings.

Make the list as long or short as you want, but when you're done, concentrate on all these positive emotions, and then realize these wonderful feelings are unknown to most men, totally. How LUCKY are you? Your experience is extra and very often it's really good.

That exercise has helped me. It's not foolproof, but sometimes it works like a charm bracelet.

[Donnagirl]

Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend. Some unhappy people want others to be just as unhappy as they are so they can commiserate. They're not looking for friends, they're looking for "crying partners."

Move on.
Find some new friends.
Be happy.

Cynthia,

I think I need to correct the record here... She was a great friend, a wonderful friend, my best friend... I put the break up on me alone... As I tried to say earlier, I was a little 'in your face' with my telling everyone, insensitive to those for whom the secrecy is their only means of survival. As she once told me, I get very 'it's all about me' and have a tendency to ride roughshod over others feelings. I don't blame her for ignoring me, but I'm sure she did not realise the pain that brought.
I used to be amazed how girls would hurt each other by the old 'send to coventry', wondering why it was effective. I certainly know now... It is the most hurtful thing a friend can do....

I doubt the wounds can be healed... She is not on this forum and will never read this so I can't hope for her to understand how I feel... I want to seek forgiveness, to apologise but... I do not want anyone to ever say she was not the best friend anyone could ever have. I'm the fool for taking that for granted then allowing an emotional tantrum to end it.

Sorry but that had to be said...

[TeresaCD]

This road is not as easy one, Donna dear. As we all know, all too well.
I have much to be grateful for, but am not always grateful for it.
I've found at times some of my friend's freedoms and financial security almost too much to bear (makes me feel jealous, shallow even).
Even having to live at home as the guy I'm not, hide away in a country town, often sees me wallowing in self pity, instead of making the most of the beautiful life I have.
Peer support on this journey is like no other. To be cut off from someone so dear, regardless who's fault it is, hurts. And I believe it hurts everyone, too.

It has happened to me, I've probably done it too. I tend to believe sometimes things get so overwhelming that you've got to step back, or risk imploding.
My big 'sister', who was such a beautiful guide my first year, went home to her family, and the person I spoke to and saw every week for a year was gone. She couldn't be without her family, and I admire that. But seeing her once last year, and being reduced to occasional emails, and several cancelled meetings, hurts. A lot.
(No ones fault)
I miss that girl, more than I can say.

I certainly hope and pray that time brings healing, and a fresh perspective.

Either way, always and ever, there for you if you need, babe xx

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes Miss. I must remember that one, if i get outed by family! i have had many hard hits on my head, in life, and to be true, have had a number of concussions, that i could say triggered dressing! Funny! Friendships seem harder as we age. So much easier as kids, it seems. I have failed in them a ton, and am extremely self centered. The hardest person to forgive much of the time is ourselves. We all fall short. Thick skin, truthfulness with love and tact, and forgiveness, I sure need more of. Its ok for a man, or CD or Tg to cry, too.