Stuck in a floating acceptance level

[claire_hollinger]

So my wife and i have come to kind of DADT situation, but she makes comments sometimes that throw me for a loop. She has offered to do my make-up one day when I go to a support group thing, and the other day she saw a pair of boots in my size on a facebook classified group and pointed them out to me. My thing is that I loved those moments of validation so much. I know she's not into this at all, so for her to push her comfort zone is beautiful. I am just never sure anymore what I can and can't say to her about dressing because of I don't want to push her, but I really want to involve her more.

[pamela7]

most people want to be happy, and they know if their SO is happy, then their life is easier. talking is the no1 thing tho, cos then you can find out where she is at, we all change over time, and the more she sees the benefits of playing with your CD, while still getting "real man time", then she can begin to see a richer life experience, and she can embrace it. Mostly she does not want to lose the man she married.

[kimdl93]

Just respond in a positive, matter of fact manner when she makes these overtures.

[TinaZ]

My best advice: say the very things to her you posted.

"I know you're not really into my crossdressing, but I want you to know I love those moments of validation you give me."

To me, only goodness can come from a conversation with a beginning like that.

[Krisi]

Remember, this is fun for you but not necessarily for her. Just like if you took up golf or restoring old cars. Don't push her or make a big deal over things like cute shoes. Bring her along slowly, following her lead. My wife accepts or tolerates my dressing but she's not thrilled about it or ready to go out as two sisters or girlfriends. This may never happen for me or for you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire, That's kind of where I am I just try to show her as much love and kindness as I can.
My wonderful:love:wife is a DA/DT but she Pierced my ears for me, Go Figure.:daydreaming:

[Marcelle]

Hi Claire,

Communication is important and if you believe the window is open to talk about it, I would broach the subject and discuss it with her. If she shuts you down, then drop the issue and go back to your arrangement knowing that is as far as he is willing to go. However, if discourse continues then you can get a better sense of where she sits at present. Just be calm, collected and understand that though this is not easy for you, it is just as hard for her.

Hugs

Isha

[c2candice]

Good advice so far,

I may add that this is similar to how my wife has approached it. It's her way of letting you know that she is feeling more at peace with it. It's a hard topic for both you and her to bring up, I expect. This is her way of bringing it up without being direct about it. It's your opportunity to start a frank conversation about how you both feel. A "check in" of sorts to update each other about how you guys feel. Maybe she did done reading on her own? And she may have more questions? Or she may have come to peace with your hobby. It would help her to know how you feel about it, what your expectations are.

It's definitely one of "those" topics of conversation that, if it were up to me, I would avoid to all ends. I tend to avoid difficult topics because I am afraid of being hurt. What I am coming to realize is that in the end, I get hurt more by NOT talking about it!

All the best,
Hugs,
Candice

[Lynn Marie]

You want to "involve her more", but she's in control of this "situation". Relax, she's simply controlling the pace of her acceptance. Consider yourself fortunate.

[Melissa Rose]

Be grateful for the level of involvement you have at the moment. As others have said, nudge things along, do not force it and know when to stop. Talk (yes, it can be hard sometimes and it takes both parties). You cannot bring someone around with only facts, figures and reality since there is an emotional content also. It can be a slow process since years or decades have gone into making each of us who we are. You also have to accept that she may not want to be involved more or only at a lower level than you would like. The acceptance level may waiver at times, thus you may get a few mixed signals. Good luck and much success in your quest and goal.

[Beverley Sims]

Just accept every compliment you get without replying with too much embellishment.

That is something that kills advancement very quickly.

[Teresa]

Claire,
The thing not forget is your wife is dealing with your CDing along with all the other things in her life, her day to day acceptance will vary depending on what else is going on !
When I pushed too hard thinking she wasn't accepting enough she turned on me saying it's not all about you !
I think your situation is a good average level of acceptance try and live with it, if you have good days maybe try and talk to make things clearer and back off when you know she's having a bad day !

[Maria 60]

All I can tell you from my life experience is, take it slow and don't push her limits. It sounds like she is really trying to except it, but also you have to try to keep it on the table also. Almost like a message that its there to stay it's not going away.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Claire (wonderful name, isn't it?),

As much as you may want to push it, I agree with all of the above. It's taken us 40+ years to get where we are (full acceptance of both who we are and our relationship). A good relationship, like a fine wine, improves with age in all of its aspects.

[Kirsty Louise]

Going by my experience I would say take it slow and wait for the right time to discuss things in getting her involved.

[Sarina Curtis]

I agree with all the comments about saying thank you and keep the communication going. Sometimes it's tempting to see those small acts of acceptance as an invitation to push the door open a little further but that's what your wife did by making those gestures. Express your gratitude and how it makes you feel and she'll likely keep inching that door open. Try to give that door a nudge and it just might close a little. Always be grateful as she's been thrown for a loop too!

[Tina_gm]

Dadt in regards to what? It sounds to me that you are slowly moving past dadt. My suggestions are to continue to let her take the lead, as that allows her to stay comfortable. Also, as someone else stated, do not over embellish on her efforts. Let her know it is greatly appreciated but then just go about life normally.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Claire,

There's a thread in the "sticky" area at the top of the Loved Ones section called: "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum" (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t)

In this thread (that was written by a GG) it talks from a wife's perspective of how acceptance is kinda like a pendulum and there is a seemingly back and forth of activity that seems to suggest acceptance but then a couple of days later it seems the previous level of acceptance is not there any more. It is not a negative post it's actually quite positive and gives practical advice on how to deal with this for both the SO-GG and the CDer. Here's a link.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t)

Hugs
Rachel

[Meghan4now]

Claire

Sounds like progress. Let her take the lead on this. Part of it my also be her trying to make up for outing you to the "friend" that stayed with you a while back. BTW I hope you've lost that guy. I would be very suspect of his motives especially coming off a breakup. I've seen this kind of predator before.

[claire_hollinger]

He's long gone, and I showed her this thread. Made her feel better I think.

[JocelynJames]

I just take things at face value. My wife is supportive but def not overboard. She saves all the sales fliers and let's me know when we have new makeup , but never suggests I dress. It's all up to me. I talk about us going out w/me dressed and she asks where do I want to go. I Don't know as we've never gotten past that ! Ha! I think maybe your wife is just slowly coming around at her pace and comfort level. Isn't that what we would want for someone we hold so dear.