Just part of life?

[Jean 103]

Would you continue to be part of an on line community after you’re disapproving SO found out about it? You care about her but there is no chance of getting back together? Would be separated from your SO make a difference?

[Tina_gm]

Here's how I look at it. If.... I failed to disclose crossdressing and gender issues with my wife I feel I should take the burden of responsibility if I felt ultimately that she was more important to my life than dressing or gender issues are. If that means not having an online community, or dressing in her presence or her not having any part of it whatsoever then so be it. I was the one who did not tell her the full truth about myself. I didn't give her the chance or choice when I should have.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Jean,
No chance of getting back together? You still care about her, does she feel the same towards you?
I imagine you would hope for her to be happy in life, if she cares, she should hope the same for you.
Maybe some more time, and explanation of what you gain from the online community will help.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Jean 103]

Kristyn
The simple answer is no. No chance getting back together, this is something I have asked her plain and simple. And no she doesn’t really want me to be happy, she wants me to pay. We get along ok, she is just really pissed I took a vacation, first in more than 15 years, and it was in Vegas. I knew she would be and didn’t hide it, I knew she would be even madder if I hid it. Let’s see numbers lived together about 4 years , married 26 years , separated about 8 months, weren’t really interment for like 4years before the separation. Gave her the house and still pay the bills. I have my faults, and I have not been dressing that long. She is just against my new life on so many levels,” sick need help” are her words. So I’m thinking it would be better if I no longer broadcasted my activity, Basically sign off, really not that big of a deal at this point. As I said in my other post most of the girls I met don’t seem it be part of any organized support group or site, it is probably were I am headed. They are just living life. Stay in touch. Or is that to personal Love Jean.

[Beverley Sims]

Jean,
While there is contact, never give up hope of a reunion.

Even just remaining friends apart can work very well.

If I was separated I would continue my activities normally.

[Rachelakld]

I did a boat cruise through the Med, I loved it and didn't want to leave, but once my trip was over, I could not continue a relationship with the boat or it's crew.
The boat sailed away without me.
We broke up
I suppose that's why they call it a "break up"

So instead of dredging up the past, living in the "if only"
How about moving on, new game, new plan?

I've not given wife a cent since our break up, I share my daughter time wise 50/50 and her costs 50/50 (school, medical, dental etc) but not a cent to the wife.
When we sold the family home, she got 50% and I got 50% (we both had medium paying jobs, so we both put in 50/50 to buy the house - like real partners do, we shared).
We have both "moved on" made new lives for ourselves the way we want our lives to be, are we friends, no, but we are polite and work together for the benefit of our daughter.
Did I love my ex - heck yes, still do, but now I have a better, more compatible and more loving wife, who I love more.

As Doc Phil and Oprah says "that's why they call it a break up"

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Jean,
I know from our meeting, conversations, and emails how you interact with
your Ex.
I can understand how you feel the need to still take care of her, you loved her enough to
be married to her, and she felt the same towards you. Somewhere her feelings were changed.
I think we all could offer more sound advice if we knew exactly what may have caused your separation.
As far as paying for her to live her life, you work way to hard to not enjoy yourself as you see fit!
Don't let her dislike of your CDing make you feel guilty for indulging in it! Her opinion of it at this
point doesn't matter.
Now for your online community activities....
You found your way here in search of something. You've participated freely, and openly, both give and take.
Is the fact that you've met other people that don't need, or possibly have not experienced the support that is
received from a site like this enough to say I'd rather be on my own?
Please reply to my email. We need to talk.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[cheryl reeves]

your still paying your wifes way after she rejected everything about you,and still letting her call the shots? are you freaking nuts,sell the house and split the profits 50/50 and tell her thats all she is getting. sorry to be blunt,but im very open and upfront on alot of issues

[Teresa]

Jean,
My wife doesn't know about the forum, as far as I know, but I have told my son and daughter that I visit an online helpline without specifying which one !
If my wife found out at least I can say that I have attempted to look elsewhere for help when she couldn't , and other people are aware of it !
Basically I came this forum to help me deal with my dressing in the context of my wife not approving, if I separated the forum wouldn't have to help me with that situation anymore !

[Tina_gm]

Your op was somewhat confusing to me as I was assuming not being on an online forum would be part of the deal to be or stay together. Apparently not at this point??

If cding is part or even all of the reason of your separation and she is not interested in getting back together. Sign off legally on that which you are responsible and move on. Everyone who has been in a committed relationship and broke from it had a reason or reasons. Life sometimes becomes difficult to live or be with that perdon. Their time in your life is up for whatever reason. No need to go on endlessly fussing about them. Take care of your legal obligations and learn to move on.

I have an ex wife who I have 2 kids with. Other than when I need to talk to her about college or whatever. She is no longer any part of my life. No more anger, regrets, nothing. I used to cringe when I would have to talk to her. Now eh discuss the needs of the kids and we are both civil. it took awhile to get to that point. But no more wasted negative energy.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jean,

From what I read in your post, you have separated from your wife and reconciliation is not an option (at present). I get the impression the break-up was partially if not fully centered around your desire to dress? It has been eight months and she is still quite bitter about your lifestyle. You continue to support her via paying bills and she lives in the family home and I get the impression you still deeply care for her on some level? Separations are seldom clean and when you add cross dressing to the mix it can become even messier. However, you do need to move forward and begin to live your life as you need to. If being part of an online community, local group, dressing and going out is part of who are going to be/want to be, then you need to define yourself in the present just in case a reconciliation is not in the cards. On the other hand, if you truly believe in your heart of hearts that you could get back together so long as you make some concessions along the way and that is what you want then you need to do what you need to do to make that come to fruition. At the end of the day, you need to be comfortable with who you are/need to be to be happy in life on whatever terms you can define.

To answer your question from my own perspective. If my wife suddenly decided that she wanted no more of this and we separated . . . well then we have reached an impasse which neither of us can breach. I would not go backwards only forwards and as much as it might pain me to not be with her . . . I have to be true to myself as well. So no, I would not cut off ties with my online community.

Hugs

Ish

[CarlaWestin]

You're still paying your wifes way after she rejected everything about you and still letting her call the shots? Are you freaking nuts? Sell the house and split the profits 50/50. And tell her that's all she is getting. Sorry to be blunt but, I'm very open and upfront on a lot of issues.

Well, this is how I see it but, not so severe. Having been through this one many years ago my advice is to resolve things and move on. An amicable settlement and just move on. Unless you feel like conforming to her rigid alignment of what you are suppose to be is going to lead to happiness. Sounds like that ship has sailed.

[Suzie Petersen]

Jean,

Here is a snippet from another post of yours just a few days ago, talking about your vacation in Vegas.


Some other things. Well I guess I’ll just say it, my new boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room and he says to me “you think like a girl”.

It sounds like there is a whole lot more going on in your life and that perhaps your wife being unhappy is not just about you going on vacation on your own. Seems to me that you being on this forum might be one of the smaller issues.

- Suzie

[Jean 103]

My wife was my best friend, maybe I was trying to replace part of that with this online thing. I had put a note for her in the frontend of my last post and the mod’s removed it. That is why I started this post. I am thinking it might be best to pull back from this site.

A positive note, I replaced the radiator in my car. I will have the windshield replaced this week, and I ordered the lights I need. I can straighten the hood and fender enough to install the lights. I drove it yesterday, it should be ok to hit the road in a week or so.

[Jean 103]

Suzie
She does not know about that yet. She does know about my other boyfriend, and that did set her off. I'm just thinking it would be better if I stopped putting my life online. I know it's a little late now.

[Suzie Petersen]

Jean,

I dont quite get why you are considering being on this forum as being a problem?? What am I missing here?

Also, how can your wife not know about your boyfriend when you put it in a post you were expecting her to read? I am assuming she knows how to at least read the messages here and since they are public, she doesnt have to have an account.
Frankly, I think that might be an OK way of communicating how you feel if you are unable to talk about it face to face. But of course, whatever you write is going to be out there for anyone to see and you have to always consider what it is you would like to communicate to your wife. So, maybe thats why you are concerned about being a member here? Maybe you realize that some of what you are saying is not at all going to help your relationship! Like having a boyfriend!

- Suzie

[Rachelakld]

Sorry, missed something,

How MANY are in this relationship?
Most wives accept 2 (husband and wife), but when you add more (boyfriends or girlfriends), it's quite NORMAL for wives to leave.

[kimdl93]

There are a couple of questions there. I wouldn't care to hide my participation in this community from my SO. It's not an illicit site, there's no dating...it's just a chance to share with people facing similar issues, challenges and opportunities.

The second question is a bit unclear...do you mean to ask...Would one quit coming to this site if ones partner broke off the relationship because of participation in this site? If that's the question, the answer would be No, because it wouldn't change anything.

[Tina_gm]

I think many of us are not quite clear what you are asking Jean, or what it is you really want. It must certainly not be a surprise that your wife is separating from you and that you having a relationship with another man is solidifying her separation. Besides your being with another person, and that you have sexuality issues going on along with gender issues, it just sounds like it is too much of a load for a marriage, or at least one where your wife would prefer it to be a traditional one anyway. So, unless I or anyone else is missing a puzzle piece here, what would be the point of not coming on here at this point??

[Jean 103]

It is a linear progression. Separation from ex. Jean is free, I can do whatever I want. I take day and weekend trips. I meet someone, it is casual not serious. I write about some of it and post it here. My ex knows of this site, I didn’t know that she was continuing to follow me. She doesn’t have internet, she does have a laptop that I left her. I guess she has been taking it somewhere with free internet. I get back from Vegas which I haven’t posted about yet and she is upset. So basically if I stop posting and commenting, there will not be anything for her to read and be upset about. I will continue to be me just not write about it. I have changed my position on this, I first felt I didn’t care and would continue to post, I now think if not posting lessens her pain, I can do that.
So I guess this is a kind of sign off.
Good bye love Jean

[Tina_gm]

Well, sounds to me neither of you are making a good clean break. She is finding and holding on to anger and resentment as a justification for separation and using it against you. You are letting her and you feel guilty about how things are turning out. So now even though technically you have nothing you need to compromise on, you are now limiting yourself anyway.

[Ally 2112]

My x wife and last GF both knew .It was after we split was when i joined this site and i just knew with both there was no getting back together .At that point is when i decided to live my own life and try to be as happy as possible no strings attached

[Stephanie47]

I read your question as addressing different circumstances.

I am happily married. My wife is not approving of my cross dressing. It is DADT. We are fine with that arrangement. This site is just plain vanilla. I view this site as part of my stress relief. Where else would I go to discuss issues with other similarly minded men? If my wife found out I go to this site, whether or not she knows I post on this site, I would continue to be an active participant.

If I were separated, I'd continue to participate here. I would also unpack my dresses and hang them in the closet: all 115. I would line my heels up at the foot of the bed. I would dump my male BVD's in a box after I emptied my bras and panties into the dresser drawers.

If after decades of being married your wife discovers you're a crossdresser, and, all she can say is you're sick and need help, then go on with your life. She got the house, and, she'll get her share of the community property (including pension), but, only you can give away your pride.

[Rachelakld]

Come back Jean
If your wife doesn't want to be hurt, she can always NOT look at this site, But sounds like she still wants control over you.

[Jean 103]

I haven’t given you all the whole story, because to me it is just old news. The big event that lead to the break-up in my option was the failure of my business. As my business was tied to the construction/real-estate market, when it crashed so did mine. My big mistake was trying to keep the doors open waiting out the crash. My ex blames me for your current situation, and she is right. I could start over, but no. Starting a business is a 7 day a week thing and I just don’t have that kind of drive anymore. I went back to work for a company I use to work for. So weekends off. I can take vacations. Work with old friends, I have new friends and a new life. I don’t make a lot of money or have a lot of stuff, I’m not counting my girl stuff. I’m in a good place right now putting my life back together. I don’t hide what I am doing from my ex, I also don’t rub it in her face. I don’t know why she feels she needs to follow me on this site. I see her at least once a week if there is anything she wants to know she can just ask me. I don’t think she is trying to control me that would be a waste of time anyway. My car lives, it’s not completely fixed but I can now drive it, which means I can go out again. It will be two weeks since Vegas and I am going crazy not being able to go out. I have a work truck but Jean needs her car. Sill posting about my outings at this point? I will see my ex ether tonight or tomorrow, I will talk to her about it. Oh and she does not see this site for what you and I know it to be, support not sexual. Love Jean