A little scared actually

[c2candice]

Hi all,

Something I have noticed recently while back on the forum is that there is a lot of talk of Crossdressers (this is part-time and happy doing so) progressing, so much to the point that they consider themselves transsexuals (only happy presenting full time). Another long-time blogger that I followed went through this progression in the last year or two, which really drove the point home (mycdlife.com). As she always celebrated being a Crossdresser.

Right now I am happy in both male mode and dressing from time to time. When I do dress, it has to be all the way though, to the point of passing as much as possible. That scares me a little.

How many out there believed that transitioning their appearance to full time would never be an outcome? Did you kind of always "know", but never admit it?

thanks for your feedback

hugs,
Candice

[Jamie M]

Hi Candice,

I can understand why you might be worried but honestly there's no real reason to. Yes , I always fooled myself into thinking that I'd never transition and yes, I now know that I always knew. It's a really hard thing to quantify and believe me I've spent all very long time trying to do so.

It could well be that in time you may find yourself in a similar position and realise that you can never go back to being male but the one thing that has helped me through everything is to learn to enjoy the moment. One of the main sources of distress in my life is not knowing the future and feeling the need to KNOW where I was heading and to make that happen as soon as possible. It took a long time and a lot of help to make me see that there's joy to be had in the present.

The reason I'm saying this to you now is that you describe yourself as happy in male mode. If that really is the case then I'm going to go out on a limb and say that transition isn't something you need to be thinking or worrying about. Enjoy things as you are now, there's no need and nothing to say that transition is on your future. IF it is, you will as we all do , come to know it for yourself. worry about it then . For now enjoy what you know to be true and deal with the future when it comes

much love , Jamie xx

[I Am Paula]

How many out there believed that transitioning their appearance to full time would never be an outcome? Did you kind of always "know", but never admit it?

For years I kidded myself that I was just a really gung-ho crossdresser. I'm coming up on two years hormones. Oh well, I also said I'd give up chocolate.

[Dana44]

Candice, wow good observation. I must say that I like to crossdress and have been doing it for many years. I do try to pass and go out with my SO fully dressed. Now, I go back to male mode and am okay that way. I will never transition. It's not what I want to do. Yet, I do like it when I am en femme but I know I'm a male in women's clothes and yes want to pass when out. It is an escape to feminine mode for a male who had a lot of hard years. I had most of my life as a male with many good years, yet the older years is where it took it toll on me. It is good to escape every now and then and have an SO that is supportive to that as an adventure.

[Rianna Humble]

Something I have noticed recently while back on the forum is that there is a lot of talk of Crossdressers (this is part-time and happy doing so) progressing, so much to the point that they consider themselves transsexuals (only happy presenting full time).

There is bound to be a lot of talk about cross-dressers on a site called crossdressers.com, but there is a difference between a cross-dresser who wants to present full-time and someone who is transsexual. That difference is about who you are inside.

Although there are some transsexual members here who tried to persuade themselves that they were only cross-dressers for a while, the common theme is that they actually knew inside themselves that this was not who they were. Others, like myself, tried to use cross-dressing as a coping mechanism in the fight against the reality of my Gender Identity but failed.

I do not want to trivialise your concerns, but if you are happy as a man, then one thing I can say for certain is that you do not have a need to transition at this point in your life. Will you ever have such a need? If I could tell the future, I would be a multi-millionaire.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think you most likely already know the answer to your question.
and based on what you said the answer is that you almost certainly have nothing to worry about..

i crossdressed...i desperately tried to pass...dressing was soup to nuts no underdressing etc... but on the other hand i deeply ached at all times...it became part of me that i was stuck and i just accepted it...
i couldn't have sex without picturing myself as female and i just pretended it was not true...this sounds nothing like what you are fearing..

also there is WAY MORE information today than when i was in my 20's and 30's...if i had this info when i was younger i am pretty sure i would have figured it all out much sooner

in fact, it was being exposed to transsexuality that really got me wondering about my nature

...like Rianna says, i knew even though i claimed i didn't...
i just ignored all my obsessive reading of stories about transsexuals and wishing i was them....kind of bizarre when i think of it now!

[kimdl93]

I understand the fear. And I understand how the idea of progression feeds into that fear, both for a relatively young CDer just beginning to explore and to their partner. I grew up fearing the unknowns of who I was and fearing who I might become. It's these unknowns that we fear most.

The reality need not be so frightening. First off, it's clear that most of us are not transsexual. Most of us do not have that clear certainly that we are female, regardless of genitalia. The majority of transgendered people are perfectly happy to occasionally emulate women. That is known, both from research and from the majority of participants here. As you grow more experienced, you may arrive at a fairly clear decision that you fit into that majority. Your desire to dress may go through periods of increase or ebbing, but overall your interest stays within the majority.

There are some of us, who can say how many, who tilt a bit more strongly towards the TS side of the spectrum. With experience we discover that this suits us perhaps better than our male lives have. But I would hazard to say that rather than progressing, somehow rewiring our brains or somehow being drawn into a particular mindset, we are revealing what's always been there, submerged and waiting to be exposed. Whether a deeply repressed transsexuals identity, or something leaning in that direction, it's not imposed by external forces, but discovered.

Could you be one of those few....perhaps. Only time will tell. But given the odds, it makes more sense to put aside your fears and enjoy yourself in the moment. YouR experiences will help answer your questions and alleviate your fears.

[Ally 2112]

I have been back and forth on this subject for years and have stayed the course as a male .Im sure that you will eventually figure out what it is you truly want in time .As for now just enjoy it and see where it goes

[c2candice]

Thanks all. That helps.

Maybe it's one of my SO's biggest concerns projecting back on me. I see her fear, I think she knows that I tend to ignore tough situations and thoughts. Certainly the thought of transitioning full time is a tough road, and maybe I am avoiding it so much that I have convinced myself that it's not even worth considering.

But I know that nobody here can tell me the answer, I can't even answer the question until I truly ponder and explore how I feel about it.

[MsVal]

You're not alone Candice. I worried and fretted about the unknown too. All that worrying took the joy out of life and gave me nothing in return. With the help if a therapist and some medication I am now comfortable living in the present.

Although today's present is closer to TS than yesterday's present, I've given up extrapolating. It just makes me crazy(er) and steals happiness.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Amber_Lynn86]

Candice, I always thought of my self as a happy crossdresser that just loved wearing women's clothing. Although lately ive come to the realization that I'm happier when I dress as a female. I didn't even notice it till one of my gg bff's said to me one night that I look so much happier and content with myself when I'm dressed as amber. I'm seriously considering transitioning. It's something I think ive been holding back for far to long. Now I have all the support in my life and its making me realize who I really want to be.

[Jorja]

I am glad you have some fear of where all this is going for yourself. That shows me that you are thinking about it. Not just the pretty cloths and accessories but the serious effect it could have on life as you know it.

Myself, I know little about crossdressing. I know a whole lot about being transsexual. For me, it was a deep rooted need to become myself and not some representation of what people thought I should be. It was like a moth being drawn to a flame. It was something I could not stop or control no matter what. I knew at 5 or 6 years old and if I could have I would have transitioned right then and there.

It would be my suggestion that you locate a good gender therapist and allow them to help you sort it out.

[Adelaide]

I wish I was 20 again....With today's technology and Professional support, I would be able to fully understand what I was feeling instead of hiding it....and probably make appropriate décisions. Now, married with kids (including one with special needs) and a totally unsupportive wife, the closest I might ever be able to transition is letting my hair grow long....and feel feminine on the Inside...

So, as Jorja mentioned, I also suggest that you find Professional support that will lead you toward the appropriate decision for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You owe it to yourself to be specific about your thoughts... what you brought up in the 2nd post is a bit different than the first post..
I think jorja is right, it would help you alot to have a therapist. Don't brush it off, its important.

I don't know if its possible to have been deeper into a compartmentalized world than i did but even then i "knew"....i constantly fantasized about "being a girl" all the time.. i constantly wished and dreamed about it..i plotted and schemed since i was 10 years old...and i crossdressed...to me crossdressing was mindless in a primal kind of way...i never thought about it...i just did it...every single chance i got...i did spend alot of time working and playing sports and partying...that got my mind off it but when i lived alone, once i shut the door all bets were off and i was dressed and by my 20's i was heading outside dressed because i needed to be out in the world.. see what i'm saying? we are all different, but the feeling of being a woman is VERY strong and compelling.

Looking back there was no doubt..but i never thought about it...if i knew more then there is no doubt i would have known and i would have taken action... you know alot more than i ever did.
you are thinking about it.....

[Rachelakld]

Hi Candice.
I have "dual" or "split" or "multiple" personalities depending on..... well it doesn't really matter, but the point being, we agree that the male body is best for how we are to live this life, it's a good tough body, military hardened. Had we been born female, we would have made the most we could with that.
So my deal is, male body, male has control, when female b itches to much, I get moody so I have to let Rachel out for a bit of girl time to keep her happy.

I will never transition, and in fact love working out to keep a masculine V body shape. I'm 50 now, and would like to see my 6 pack abs once more in my life
This week, Good Friday, my 50th, I took my family white water rafting, not something recommended while wearing a wig and make up.

[Jorja]

Sorry Rachel, that 6 pack was drank a long time ago.:devil::eek::)

[SandraV]

I've always tried to convince myself that I'm simply a CDer, though deep down I've always known that my CDing has been nothing more than a coping mechanism to my GD. Don't know today where I'll end up on this journey. Been fighting tooth and nail to find a happy middle ground, though I keep finding it a loosing battle as I move along. Outings, therapy, superficial body changes all have helped, yet once the excitement wears off, my GD crushes me and nudges me closer towards HRT and maybe more.

It's good for you to have doubts. I'll echo what others have stated in saying that only you can figure yourself out. An experienced therapist can be a great help. Don't ignore your own doubts.

Hugs,
Sandra

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I know i'm chiming in alot but sandra makes an excellent point..

there is no magic in being male or female, ts or not. The real "issue" we face as transsexuals is GD. Sure, some avoid it by telling their parents and they just do it, but most of us here didn't have that luxury..

What you want to manage more than anything is the GD. This will put you in the best position to make good decisions about your life quality.

Do you suffer GD?

[cheryl reeves]

im very transgendered,always fantasied about being female,then i came to the conclusion i like women too much,basically a lesbian trapped in a male body. so over the yrs i have tried to keep to a balance,being both male and female takes a huge toll on a persons psych. yes there are days i want to be cheryl more then terry,and when that happens i talk to my wife which helps alot. i knew a cder who decided to transition because alot of other cders were doing it,i warned her not too,she did anyway and after the novelty of new equipment wore off she regretted it and stated to try and transition back. she later said she wished she had listened. my advice is sit down and list the pros and cons and then see where you are.
p.s. never ever let anyone talk you into something that is not right for you,for you might be like my friend paula in n.h. who regretted the outcome.

[Marleena]

Outings, therapy, superficial body changes all have helped, yet once the excitement wears off, my GD crushes me and nudges me closer towards HRT and maybe more. An experienced therapist can be a great help. Don't ignore your own doubts.

Good post. If you're TS the GD will get so bad it will require a gender therapist and medical intervention (HRT definitely and surgeries usually). Dressing as a female will not help with the GD. At least that's my experience.

[Chrissi]

Hi Candice.

I know how you feel. Not sure if I know exactly, but I have been chatting with another member and we have been discussing a similar feeling.

I know I am TG, there is no longer any doubt about that in my life. I know that I love to crossdress. I know that it is not an arousal thing for me, indeed, I just feel that I can be me, how I feel and want to act. All that being said, I suck at being a girl. I have missed all that training, but you know what...I don't care. I am just enjoying being me.

I don't think I am TS...but I am not sure. But the very fact that I am questioning it, is probably telling enough. However, I would be lying if I said, I have never thought about SRS, (but no seems to be the answer) I would be lying if I said I didn't want real breasts, or more feminine facial features. I do! I have seriously thought about hormones for several years, but I am incredibly concerned about the health risks.

I, like you, fear the uncertainty of where/what I will be like in a year, two, five. I would be lying again if I said that I will be the same that I am know. Because I know in my heart of hearts that I will not.

Did I "kind of always 'know?'" No, but I kind of always questioned what I was. That is why I have called myself a non-girl and a non-guy. I can be a non-guy, and when I am, I want to completely pass. That is important to me. I have very recently started going out...and since last Friday, I have been out in public now 4 times, and I am going out again tomorrow day and evening. I feel very comfortable. Indeed other than being at work, I have been enfemme for the last week. I have not been out as a non-girl.

So, yes, like you I am scared, uncertain, I don't know where I am going. But I do know that I am feeling more complete. I don't mind being in non-girl mode, and it doesn't depress me. But I love being in non-guy mode, and it makes me happy, just to be that way.

best wishes, I hope you find yourself through your journey,
Chrissy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What feelings specifically?

One thing in the TS world you may find is that you have to work alot harder at understanding yourself. Winging it doesn't work.
IF winging continues to work its because that's WHO you ARE! TG/Gender queer/cd ...call it whatever you want its all good

If you are feeling something creeping up on you...its just imperative that you find a good therapist and work on that. It's really hard work.

Being uncertain and confused is no fun. Extreme gender dysphoria is much worse...
Once you invest deeply in a male life, getting out of that is even harder work and many of us found that it was only extreme gender dysphoria that prompted us to action..
If what you are expressing is about GD, then its even more imperative to not let that get away from you..if you are serious about this, you are in or heading towards therapy with a gender oriented therapist...at any cost, at any distance, no excuse..

If you are already in therapy than how is the conversation going? Maybe others are having similar discussions in their sessions..I found group therapy hugely helpful and joining any cd or ts related group can be very helpful.

[VickiTheGamer]

I never expected to transition. I admit, the desire had never left me and Crossdressing gave me the outlet I needed with regards to the environment I was in at the time. Heck, admitting to Crossdressing to ANYONE was hard enough. It was a very deep hard secret I never expected to share. Then I came across more and more support groups and found the courage to say it. It was only a matter of time that I realized I COULD move further. Take the steps I have dreamed about for so long. That Crossdressing was just the tip of the iceberg that was afloat. I came to realize I was happier as a women. Not so much because I am truly 100% women, but women enough that, with hormones, I could be who I wanted and needed to be. I found I feel better about myself as a women.

[Genny B]

So many possibilities. Wow, and I love all the responses. Each person needs to find the right path for them self. When I was younger I would cry myself to sleep because I didn't want to live life as a guy. We didn't have groups like this to communicate with. Now we have info and support! They fact that you are analyzing it shows you want to do the right thing. My prayers are with you and your wife!

Genny B

[DebbieL]

I originally came to this site as a cross-dresser. I had always been feminine and had wanted to be a girl since I was six, but had given up on that dream when at 15 I found out that I had a bass singing voice. I became very self destructive after that, turning to drugs, alcohol, and drinking to blackouts, becoming a bit suicidal. I quit the booze when I turned 21 after washing down 1/4 lb of ground glass with beer and wine.

In 12 step programs I did start to address my gender dysphoria, but I was also married to a woman who could barely tolerate my dressing at home, in private, when she wasn't there. I settled for being a fetish dresser, and started to believe that was OK.

In the last year of my marriage, my wife had her boyfriend and I was starting to dress and go out in public. I'd started going to meetings and gradually realized that I felt so much better as a girl that I really wanted to transition. Before I started HRT, my ex-wife made a credible threat to have all visitation and contact with my children if I didn't stop transition immediately. I aborted the transition, moved out of state, and in 1995 I had to abort for 6 months, no dressing. I ended up gaining weight (going from 160 lbs to over 330 lbs). I got so fat that I gave up dressing because I couldn't stand to look at myself. After a heart attack and a stroke I got my weight down a bit, but still couldn't wear the pretty things I used to wear. Eventually I was having a second heart attack and decided I needed Debbie's help to get my health back.

When my dad died, just before, he told me "be yourself, even if that's Debbie" and he told me many things I hadn't known or had forgotten. I went struggled for a while and decided to look at transition again. Seeing the success of the other girls on this sight inspired me and I started the process, seeing a therapist, finding a qualified doctor, and starting HRT. By the time I transitioned to full time at work I was clear that this was absolutely the right course.

The transgender spectrum is wide, ranging from fetish dressers to "transition or die" transsexuals. At different times in my life, for a variety of reasons, I have been all over that spectrum. Not everybody realizes they are transgender and gender dysphoric when they are kids. Some have great difficulties as a male, but try to blend in as a matter of survival, or to avoid a smaller group of bullies. It never occurs to them to consider the possibility of being a girl, or it's made to be so horrible that it's something not to be desired. Sports and military training programs are notorious for calling poor performers "girls" or "ladies" or worse as a way to motivate them into better performance.

It seems like many of those late bloomers struggled at being a boy, but couldn't even consider the possibility of being a girl. Even those who knew we wanted to be girls had such fear of discovery and punishment and rejection that we would deny it even if asked directly.

I've been to cross-dressing meetings where I felt very uncomfortable because there were guys who were obviously guys and obviously weren't trying very hard to pass. Some hadn't even bothered to put on make-up. There was often a consensus that they were men an wanted to remain men and transsexuals weren't welcome.

Fortunately I had good support from my wife, a good therapist, and with 30+ years clean and sober and lots of 12 step meetings, Landark Education training and online support networks, I was able to address many of the problems as they came up and now have experienced happiness I could never have imagined on a daily basis. It's so wonderful not to have to put all that energy into keeping up that mask and emotional armor.