Wife Had Too Much Today!

[ChristinaK]

I'm really disappointed right now. After much deliberation, I finally got my ears pierced today. I was thrilled, yet possessed much trepidation about what my wife would say. The clerk was very sweet. We even have the same names! We talked for a long time about crossdressing and how people view it, etc. I couldn't stop looking at myself in the rear view mirror on the way home.

Well, I ended up in the hospital due to chest pain. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of calling my wife to let her know. She was at work and I thought she was going to stay there. I was sitting in a small room with 8 other people waiting to see the doctor. In walks my wife, totally unexpected. She took one look at me and I remembered instantly that my ears were pierced.

She was NOT a happy camper. In front of everybody, she started berating me, albeit in a low voice. The others could still hear and see though. She went on and on about how inappropriate it was for a professional, how she was sick of me transitioning (I'm not, but have shaved my body for the last year, have bought a few androgynous sweaters, trimmed my eyebrows and wear women's pajamas, which SHE bought me), how I'm not the man she married, how it turns her off and if I keep it up I'm going to lose her. WOW!

I had no idea she would react so strongly and especially in front of all those people. I just wanted to crawl away. She demanded that I take them out immediately. I resisted for a while, trying to talk logically and assuring her I am not transitioning, but to no avail. The others tried not to look, but all conversation stopped as they were listening. Oh well, I'll never see them again anyway.

So, she took them out while the others watched; not humiliating at all.

I tried to explain that I have always been this way and will never change and that I like the way I am. I try to keep my stuff from her, don't ever talk about it and really appreciate the fact that she lets me wear panties and women's nylon and satin pajamas. But, if I want pierced ears, it should be my decision.

I can appreciate that I have been a disappointment to her, but it's so tough for me as well. I wish so much that I could share my other self to her and if she would open her mind that she would see that having a feminine side makes me who I am; a thoughtful, caring and understanding man that appreciates what women go through. I'm not a macho jerk and will never be one. That's one of the things that attracted her.

But, I understand as well that if she got a tattoo on her arm, wore her hair butch, threw out her makeup and started wearing men's flannel shirts I would not be happy. I'm not as flagrant as that, but you get the idea.

I am what I am and I would not give up crossdressing for anything. I have done it my entire life and am not about to change. I have tried the last year to integrate, very carefully, some changes that make me happy, feel more feminine yet not going too far. Why not, if it isn't flagrant?

Sorry, I just had to vent and am very disappointed that the woman I love see's me as a freak, which she has called me in the past. It seems so wrong to keep myself a secret. She thinks that crossdressing is a conscious decision and that I can just not do it. I have tried to explain that I will always go back to it and end up wearing her clothes if she forces me to shed mine.

Is crossdressing a curse? It seems so natural to me. It is who I am. I wore my sisters dresses when I was four. It is who I am. I can't change that.

I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to vent. I know many of us are in DADT situations, many who are in worse circumstances than I.

[kiwidownunder]

Hi ChristinaK

Did you talk to her about this before you got your ears pierced?

Kiwi

[Dana44]

Christina, I do not think it is a curse. Yet we do get our SO mad at us sometimes and it is very disappointing. Let it cool down a bit. I may get my ears pierced, My SO and I have talked about that. One thing I do is transition back to male for four days of the week and if we need to go see somebody. I do try to be as male as I can be. I'm sure she was shocked but maybe if you took her with you to get that done, she might not have been as upset. Let it cool down and talk to her when the time is right.

[Gardener]

I rather think kiwi has put it very succinctly. In your wife's defence she was probably quite anxious anyway, knowing that you were ill. I suspect that this will be a day that you will remember and things will never be quite the same again. Good luck

[ReineD]

I'm so sorry.

I don't want to take sides about how much you should CD, and how much she should tolerate or accept. The balancing point between couples is on a very wide scale and I don't know you, your wife, or your interpersonal dynamics.

But I do know this: She should have waited until you both got home to have the discussion. And you should have discussed the ear piercing with her first.

[Love Dove]

I don't know if my advice is any good in your case. Never been married and my last relationship lasted only 6 years. Dont really know lots of detail about yours but if you show her the respect she deserves daily, I think she should too. I would not take any shit like that, disrespecting me like that infront of other people would not go lightly. It appears that she's not happy with your feminine side and standing up for yourself could show her that your not going to be treated like that.

I don't think my advice is any good in your situation because I'm in a fresh relationship and my mindset changed somewhat. Not gonna let someone treat me that way but I always make sure that I treat her with upmost respect.
Talk to her in a calm manner and listen to her what she has to say.

[DanaR]

I'm sorry too, but I agree with Reine.

I talked to my wife about piercing my ears, years ago and she didn't want me to it. Then over the years we talked more about it, and about five years ago, she told me to get them pierce; which I didn't do, because of our earlier conversations and I didn't want to upset her. Then about a year and a half ago, she told me that she was taking me down to get them pierced for a birthday present; which we did. The reason that I'm telling you this is that I didn't want it to be a problem for her, even though it would be cool to have them pierced (which it is) I could live without having it done. I think that she finally realized that it wouldn't be that big of a deal to have them pierced. I'm surprised that almost no one has said anything about them; which is great.

I hope that you and your wife can work through this.

[Tracii G]

Marriage is a hard road I have been there twice but I did learn don't let your wife run your life.
Marriage is give and take I realize that and its always a compromise I know I know.
If you don't stand up to her she will lose respect for you and that is something you will never get back.
Once I learned how to lay the law down things got much better.
Mine admitted to me she would try to push my buttons and start arguments because she knew I would cave in and give her what she wanted.
Once that stopped her tone and demeanor was very different. She even told me she loved the fact I was being more assertive and not taking her BS anymore.
Thats just my situation and I'm sure yours is very different but it seems she doesn't care a lot about your needs and mental happiness.

[pamela7]

Like all of our natural ways of being, CD-ing is a blessing and a curse depending on your perspective at the time. Realising you did not ask for advice, nonetheless I'll comment:

1. you did not discuss ear-piercing first, which set-up the show-down; seems like a classic victim-in-control game to me, where she is the patsy persecutor.

2. she has a defined image of what a man is, seemingly based on clothing, but probably also about leadership and power. As you're giving her all the power and responsibility you're not manning-up for her most likely. Unconsciously she probably knew you were a girly-guy before you married, meaning in reality she's also playing the game.

3. Rather than venting, be a man, talk assertively and take leadership. Regardless of your dress code, sounds like she would respond well to behavioural manliness.

[Rachelakld]

I'm going to support Kiwi on this, marriage is about communicating, and not trying to annoy each other (we do that enough being male & female in the same house, without crossing boundaries)
There are lots of threads on boundaries

But there she is, all panicked that your not going to be alive for to long for her planned "happy ever after" with the one she loves, and then she sees your ear rings, my advice "duck & cover" :)

[Stephanie47]

I will agree with some that your wife chose an inappropriate time to have a tense stressful talk. Really, the guy's in a hospital with chest pains... Then there's the issue of discussing issues with a spouse before acting. I went back and read your introduction. You were lurking for four months and then decided to join. I hope you were not encouraged to toss sensibilities to the wind because you read the exploits of others on this site. I would never apply everything I read on this site to my relationship. What happens in the privacy of your home is totally different than what happens outside the four walls. You needed to discuss the concerns your wife may have had before doing the deed.

[Marcelle]

Hi Christina,

I am sorry to read what happened and can understand your angst, disappointment and public humiliation. I understand by your post you are in a DADT style relationship and while your wife seems to understand, she does not truly approve. Add to the mix subtle changes you discussed and getting your ears pierced . . . well, a potential whirlwind of disaster. To be totally honest, while getting your ears pierced is a personal thing, and many non TG men have both ears pierced, it is quite logically to assume your wife would have seen this as one more step toward loosing you to transition. Not saying you needed her permission to get your ears pierced but it is something you should have discussed.

I am not excusing your wife's public outburst in any form . . . indeed it was not a proper place to have such a discussion among strangers. However, you could give her some latitude in that you had just called to inform her you were suffering chest pains and that could have dredged up a whole host of emotional responses (fear of losing your to a potential heart attack comes to mind). So she rushes in on an emotional roller coaster, sees you are sitting and okay, emotion supercharge drops, notices the pierced ears and then a lot of what is probably repressed fear (of losing you to transition) bubbles to the surface and collides with an already emotionally charged person. Again, it does not excuse the behavior but it is a plausible explanation for such a dramatic shift in persona.

I understand you are in a DADT relationship which means "no talking about it" for most. However, I do note in other posts that you do discuss this side of you with your wife from time to time. I recommend you have a frank discussion with here when cooler heads prevail, lay all your cards on the table and let her lay her cards there. You really need to come to some sort of accord as I truly believe she is harboring a lot of resentment/fear and may need to get that out and get answers from you.

I hope you are feeling better.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

Plenty has been said about your decision to get posts and neglect to speak with your wife first. I would like to observe that she was faced with what she may have thought was a serious health issue...you were after all at a clinic because of chest pains...and she encounters this unexpected sight. Of course she over reacted, but in this emotionally charged context, such a reaction is understandable....and not the last word.

[Sara Jessica]

I've been cavalier about most decisions regarding my appearance. Never really asked permission to remove body fur, to have my eyebrows waxed regularly, to grow my hair long. But those are seen as less-permanent changes. Not that tiny holes in the ears cannot be "reversed" but there is something that is "next level" about the piercing thing. She will see it all the time and to me, that is definitely joint-decision territory.

So as cavalier as I have been, I guess this is where I personally draw the line.

[Jorja]

Oh boy, soak with gasoline, strike match! Good luck.

[cheryl reeves]

i agree your wife needs a talking to for her outburst in public,when i cross a boundry my wife waits til we are alone to jump my arse. as for ear piercing,your in the wrong on this big time,why? because you did not communicate and let her help make the decision. i too would jump your ass for it and im tg. my wife usually comes up with somethin to surprise me,like going out in public her idea,ears pierced her idea,see i drop hints here and there til she makes it her idea. if your marriage is not one of compromise and communication then your marriage is a msrriage in name only,and will lead to divorce,it was this part that almost cost me my marriage,we stayed up for almost 3 days doing nothing but talking,which lead her to putting make up on me and letting me dress up. needless to say we survived and now we are working on 27 yrs of marriage.

[Melissa_59]

I don't get it.

If a woman butchers her hair off into the Marine Corps Boot Camp look (like so many do these days), the guy is just told "Well it's HER BODY!! She can do WHATEVER she WANTS!!" and husbands/boyfriends/whatevers are just supposed to deal with it.

But if one of us decides to get our ears pierced without the wife's permission? Oh you evil piece of buffalo chips, you should have ASKED her and discussed it with her first!!! You no good, uncaring, unthinking, inconsiderate etc etc etc...

Hypocrisy much? I see that all the time. Women are allowed to do anything they want because it's "their body" ("Look honey, I got a full coverage tattoo of Dwayne Johnson on my right boob, isn't it cute???"), but guys... well, we have to get permission for everything. Yeah. That's complete BS in my book.

~Melissa

[Krisi]

You had to know your wife would notice your pierced ears. Hospital emergency or not, there was going to be a scene.

Next time you do something like this, talk it over with your wife first.

[cheryl reeves]

melissa the old saying goes,if your wife isnt happy no one is going to be happy. yes i agree its not fair,but would you rather have peace or war?

[Sara Jessica]

@Linebacker Melissa, the difference is that in our gender binary world, said "butch" haircut is not necessarily seen as crossing gender lines. Many women have short hair and still remain beautiful...women.

(And besides, where are these women??? This is the second such reference I've read this morning. I certainly don't know any who have done this as a result of some new trend.)

While piercing of the ears has become more commonplace among guys these days, I'd be delusional to think that doing so as a middle aged working professional wouldn't be met with scorn on many societal levels, for better or worse. Adding to that the fact that my wife knows very well that such a move would be fueled by my gender issues makes this something where advanced discussion is imperative.

It's about respect in a relationship.

[Tina_gm]

I am not going to say that what your wife did was ok, embarrassing you in the hospital. That was not respectful of her. But, you not telling her about you piercing your ears was not respectful to her either. She walked in to see you, generally worried about you and got hit with the piercing thing. She was not prepared. Probably on a quick reaction of anger, you disrespected her leaving her unprepared for a change which she had to deal with publicly so she in turn embarrassed you publicly. 2 wrongs do not make a right. You both need to get back to respecting each other. Especially in public.

[Amy Lynn3]

I'm sure this may not set well with some, but I read many stories similar as yours and every time I wonder....I wonder if the way some so's react is not just another attempt to be in control of the spouse.

If a woman wanted to have her hair cut or ears pierced, does she always ask permission from her husband ? No, so why does the man always need permission ? When I was married and my wife had her body altered and if I said anything, her reply was...it is my body !

I don't feel the issue here is cding, but it is a matter of respect and consideration of the others feelings. You have a life to live and find happiness in the way you desire and so does she. To cause a scene in public was uncalled for. The next time you have a desire to make a permanent change to your body, tell her first you will be having it done and allow the fallout to happen first, and at home.

[Stephanie47]

I guess you really don't get it! Sure, in many relationships one spouse or the other does whatever he or she wants to do without consulting the other. In the total scheme of things my personal observation is the husband is the one who decides what's best for the relationship without consulting his wife. Maybe I have just hung out with the wrong crowd all my life, but, my acquaintances, family and friend seems to talk with their spouses before important decisions are undertaken.


I don't get it.

If a woman butchers her hair off into the Marine Corps Boot Camp look (like so many do these days), the guy is just told "Well it's HER BODY!! She can do WHATEVER she WANTS!!" and husbands/boyfriends/whatevers are just supposed to deal with it.

But if one of us decides to get our ears pierced without the wife's permission? Oh you evil piece of buffalo chips, you should have ASKED her and discussed it with her first!!! You no good, uncaring, unthinking, inconsiderate etc etc etc...

Hypocrisy much? I see that all the time. Women are allowed to do anything they want because it's "their body" ("Look honey, I got a full coverage tattoo of Dwayne Johnson on my right boob, isn't it cute???"), but guys... well, we have to get permission for everything. Yeah. That's complete BS in my book.

~Melissa

PS: I haven't seen any women around my area with chopped off United States Mariner Corp haircuts. But, I will admit I only live in a community of US Army and US Air Force personnel, Joint Base Lewis and McChord. I have seen that barber shop commercial tho.

[ReineD]

2. she has a defined image of what a man is, seemingly based on clothing, but probably also about leadership and power. As you're giving her all the power and responsibility you're not manning-up for her most likely. Unconsciously she probably knew you were a girly-guy before you married, meaning in reality she's also playing the game.

I agree with your other points, but I want to say that in relationships, it is healthy for BOTH partners to know how to effectively define their boundaries, not just men ("manning-up"). Both men and women can be verbally and emotionally abusive. And by boundaries I mean letting the other partner know what is acceptable and not acceptable in terms of how we are treated.

Types of verbal abuse: http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/types-of-abuse/verbal-abuse/

How to set boundaries: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/setting-personal-boundaries/how-to-set-boundaries/

Using the methods in link 2 is not always successful, especially years after abusive patterns have been established. The ideal is to begin a relationship with clear-cut rules about how to treat each other with respect. In my case, my ex became so enraged when I finally began to define my boundaries, that I was unable to deal with that level of anger and so we divorced. Looking back, I wonder if the marriage would have been saved had I consistently used the methods in link 2 and allowed the ex a period of time to adjust to the new me, all without having it affect my internal landscape.

Climbing out of the codependence pit is hard and it requires a lot of adjustment for both partners. Relationship counselors can help, if they are good.

[JasmeVee]

Yea, pierced ears would be pretty easily spotted, might want to discuss that beforehand. Being belittled in public, having her take them out, and her calling you a freak...sounds like a healthy environment

[Tina_gm]

While I am in no way defending what the wife did, especially the public embarrassment, I think there is a vital point missing here. I do not think it is power, control or hypocrisy. I think this is about a lack of respect on both ends. Christina, YOU KNEW that your wife would not like the idea of you having ear rings. You called her from the ER that you were having chest pains, and wow, you are surprised your wife is not just going to just stay at work? So while she is so worried about you, and takes off from work to be with you, that is just a typical sign of a woman who loves her husband. Granted, what she did next could hardly describe that. A simple we will talk about the ear rings when we get home would have been much better. Then she could have voiced her issues, not embarrass you and make a scene.

Back to you though, what did you really expect? you knew it would not go over well period and then you surprise her, not even discuss ear rings, you just went and did it. I am not saying you needed to ask her permission to wear them. But you definitely should have told her you were going to and at least prepare her for it. You both could really use a kick in the pants for your selfishness and lack of thought or consideration for the other.

[Nadine Spirit]

While I believe that every individual is ultimately in charge of their own bodies and is free to do to themselves whatever they want to, I personally speak to my wife before I commence with those actions to myself. I don't go and ask for her permission, I more inform her of something that I will be doing.

So while I think it was rude of her to berate you like that in public and remove earrings from freshly pierced ears, I think it was rude of you to not inform her beforehand of your intentions.

Oh and just FYI, it is generally considered unwise to remove fresh piercings until they are healed. I have heard (though I am no expert I have been pierced 5 times) that the outer layer can heal over and trap infections inside.

[Erika Lyne]

... I personally speak to my wife before I commence with those actions to myself. I don't go and ask for her permission, I more inform her of something that I will be doing...

So while I think it was rude of her to berate you like that in public and remove earrings from freshly pierced ears, I think it was rude of you to not inform her beforehand of your intentions.

I have to agree with Nadine here. I also pierced my ears and spoke to my wife before doing it. I did "ask" for her approval but she could probably tell that I would have done it whether she gave me it or not. Also, I agree that as far as we can read into this OP and relationship, it seems to have mutual respect issues. Her demeaning you was probably a reaction to all the emotions she was experiencing by her spouse being in the hospital with chest pains and finding him there with something that was probably already discussed and her disapproval already communicated.

At the risk of derailing the OP, I do think a social issue has been touched upon. It is HER body, always. By that I mean it is the wife's choice of what she does to her body and what her husband does to his. My wife had her tubes tied after our second daughter was born, not once was I addressed by her doctors for my thoughts. My wife and I had discussed it at home well before the appointment already and agreed that we were both ok with the proceedure but, I was never asked by the medical staff of my views. Fast forward a few years, I had epididymitis, a testicular infection, and the doctor was going through all possible treatment options. One option was the removal of the epididymis. This would have caused sterility. When he mentioned this treatment he mentioned it to my wife, who was also in the room and asked HER if SHE would be ok if I were sterile! Seriously?!?! It is MY body, NOT hers!!! Also, my wife has gone Marine Crew Cut short. Her choice, I said nothing-- her body, her choice. I'll give her the credit that she is one of the few women I know that was able to pull it off. She did look cute and still feminine at the same time...still, her choice. My choice to grow mine long and I catch grief from her every time I go a year or more between hair cuts. Still, her choice, my body--her choice.

[cheryl reeves]

At the risk of derailing the OP, I do think a social issue has been touched upon. It is HER body, always. By that I mean it is the wife's choice of what she does to her body and what her husband does to his.

thats what alot of married cders forget,her body is hers and your body is hers,you lose that right when you get married...i drive my wife nuts because i hate short hair,and when she cuts it its short as she can get it,which i dislike and she knows it..so if i want to keep it long i go elsewhere and catch hell when i get home for its not the way she wants it,but i do the same to her,but we discuss how short i am going to allow her to cut her hair and she usually gets it cut her way in the end...always remember if your wife isn't happy your life will be a living hell...

[ChristinaK]

Thank you all for your comments. As usual, great advice and analysis.

Stephanie, you are correct. Reading about what other have done on this site has emboldened me and made me feel like I should be accepted for who I am. Uh, I guess not :-)

I did not tell her beforehand because I knew what the answer would be. Sometimes its easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. The majority of you are right though, I should have let her know ahead of time. I had completely forgotten about the earrings and it was my understanding that she was not going to show up as the EKG had already been accomplished and it was normal. So, it was a surprise when she showed up and a bigger surprise when I saw her look!

She did apologize for the display and again, you are all correct in that her emotions were already on red alert when she walked in. It does seem rather humorous and ridiculous that a man is sitting there with pains in his chest coming and going, then gets berated and humiliated in front of those people. I guess my heart was really tested there! Wasn't the smartest thing she's ever done, but then, she is a REAL woman with real woman's emotions.

We did talk for a while about it. Isha and others are again correct in that the changes that I have made, then adding pierced ears, put her over the top with being afraid I was going for a total transition. I re-assured her that I would NEVER want to be a woman full time. I re-assured her that that was intended to be the last change, other than more laser and I already shave everything. She said that in the absence of the other changes, she may have considered pierced ears, but with all the rest it's too much.

She initially said all of it has to go, that's it, if I want to stay married. I explained that if she wants me to wear her clothes again that's fine, because I know I will, it's a part of me forever, I like it and don't want to change. She backed off on throwing it all away as long as she doesn't see it.

So, no earrings. I'll have to get along without them and have my clip ons continue to fall off in restaurants, etc. I feel like she has been pretty good about the other changes and I'll have to be happy with that.

She is who she is and some things she will not ever accept. She really believes gay people can make a conscious choice to be heterosexual. So, naturally she believes we can make the choice to be "real men."

I think that over time she has come to accept me, but it will only go so far.

[Eryn]

The thing that concerns me is that you're in the hospital with chest pain, she rushes to your side, and then immediately begins to berate you about your ears? My cynical side thinks that she was trying to push you over the edge. My forgiving side thinks that she was so relieved to see you at least sitting up that she forgot herself and noticed the first change she saw.

I'm a 57-year-old professional and I wear studs every day. They aren't subtle ones either. The very few times I've been asked about it I say "because I like them." That ends the discussion.

[Stacy L]

She is who she is and some things she will not ever accept. She really believes gay people can make a conscious choice to be heterosexual. So, naturally she believes we can make the choice to be "real men."



Ask her, When in life did she make the conscious choice to be heterosexual rather than gay?

I don't remember ever being given a choice to be a "Real Man" or a Cross Dresser and you probably can't either.

[Sonya]

When I was married my ex wanted to get a nose ring, she mentioned it to me once or twice and I told her that I didn't like nose rings at all but she went and got them anyway. My ex wife was a regular smoker and I hated it but she never gave it up for me. I never asked or told her to change and all of these before she knew about my cross dressing. I got caught and found out and it was either you stop or I leave, without knowing any better and fear of loosing my marriage I promised what I couldn't deliver and the inevitable separation happened anyway. I do accept my faults but what it upsets me is all the good things you did gets forgotten very quickly. Then you hear "I want a manly man" well I hope she finds it...

[Marcelle]

Hi Christina,

I am so glad you had a chance to talk things over with your wife and come to an accord you can both live with. It is a shame about the earrings but if you can live with that decision and it keeps you both happy, then you are doing what you need to do to keep your relationship stable.

Hugs

Isha

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Christina, I'm surprised that that episode didn't cause you to actually have a heart attack.
There's a possibility that she may come around some day like my wife finally did after years of saying NO WAY.:hugs:

your story is funny in as my very DA/DT actually Pierced my ears three weeks ago the rest of the story
is in the shopping clothing & beauty section back about page 3 (Got my ears pierced~~Cross that off my Bucket list) :daydreaming:

[Pat]

It's interesting to me that the thread title is "My wife had too much today" and not "I pushed my wife over the edge today."

[Jaylyn]

Reine
But I do know this: She should have waited until you both got home to have the discussion. And you should have discussed the ear piercing with her first.

I with Reine D on this one and agree you both are at some fault here. I've found a lot of clothes and female things I get are better if I'm full on the asking and talking about them first. I do know wife would not let me pierce my ears. No compromise there.

[Lidea]

It's interesting to me that the thread title is "My wife had too much today" and not "I pushed my wife over the edge today."

That is exactly what I thought....
It is one of the most common things for a crossdresser to do..... push the boundaries, knowing all the way that she would not approve, and then manage to look truly dumb struck at the reaction of the wife.
Maybe I am a terrible wife, but my husband knows I would react in the exact same manner.

[cheryl reeves]

i asked my wife this question,why are wives allowed to do what they want and us men have to ask permission for everything. her reply was its her body and your body belongs to her til one of you die. told her this was confusing to me,she said if you want a happy marriage you let her lead to a point,when you reach said point thats when you discuss the issue. kinda like if your wife got a tatoo without asking thats alright,but if you did the same its not alright,i know its a double standard,but what are you going to do,its either divorce,or staying married. you may be the breadwinner but she is the boss

[Tina_gm]

Lidea, many men have earings and long hair. If they are not cders most women likely view it as a personal preference and while it may not be one they prefer, it is typically not a deal breaker. When the earrings and long hair are cd related as to the reason for the preferences, it Changes things drastically. It is not so much the earrings but of why the earrings. I do agree too though that if there is a physical change it should be discussed out of pure respect for their partner. I believe if at least there is respect given, the feeling of pushing may not be so strong or overwhelming.

[Jenniferathome]

... I did not tell her beforehand because I knew what the answer would be. ...

This is a doomed strategy for anyone in any relationship over any issue.

[Nadine Spirit]

kinda like if your wife got a tatoo without asking thats alright,but if you did the same its not alright,i know its a double standard,but what are you going to do,its either divorce,or staying married. you may be the breadwinner but she is the boss

Interesting that you should mention the tattoo thing as that is the exact example my wife used as being an absurd thing to do without discussing it with your spouse.

And I do not believe in this whole double standard thing. Courtesy is courtesy. If you are a man or a woman and you disrespect your marriage in that manner, it is rude, period. Again, I think each of us is in charge of our own bodies and are free to do whatever each of us personally wants to do to it, but it is respectful and courteous of you to discuss it with the person you have chosen to live your life with, BEFORE, you do something, regardless of your gender. And anyone, of any gender, who thinks they should be in charge of their partners bodies is ludicrous and extremely selfish.

[cheryl reeves]

nadine in almost any marriage there is a double standard,she does what she wants,when she wants,but when hubby decides to do the same war breaks out..i read a article yrs. ago where a unfaithful wife was upset that her hubby started to do the same,she said that was wrong of him. when asked about her unfaithfulness,she felt it was in her rights to keep sleeping around on hubby,the marriage broke up.

[Lidea]

Cheryl, I must say, that is totally unacceptable. You will find those kind of double standards in any gender, and they are absurd.

I don't believe in the double standard thing. If my hudband would want to do something like grow his beard or shave his hair, because he wants to, he doesn't need permission, but if he does something like that, especially something more permanent like piercings, with cd as his motivation for it, then the discussion is necessary.

If I were to cut my hair because I feel it is time, then I can do it. But if I were to be a F2M, and that would be my reason for cutting my hair, the discussion is needed...

[cheryl reeves]

i agree double standards are wrong. but whats the big deal about ear piercings anyway? this is where the double standard sits in,its alright if your not a cd/tg,but its wrong if you are a cd/tg.see what i mean,if i want to grow my hair its alright as long as im not a cd/tg,but wrong if i am. tell me im wrong and i will show where im right

[Nadine Spirit]

There is undoubtedly double standards with some people, but that does not mean it is universal.

My wife and I both discussed ear piercings and we both agreed that if either of us went and got one without telling each other about it before hand we would both feel weird about it. In other words, neither of us would do that. Thus with us it has nothing to do with being TG or not, it has to do with courtesy and respect. Therefore, if there is at least some people who do not follow the double standard, then it proves that it is not universal.

[Jill Devine]

What your wife did was tactless and plain nasty. And considering the context and place - devoid of caring or concern. Apparently the earrings were more of an issue than a serious health problem.

I'm sorry but I don't not agree with a lot of people of this thread condoning her approach because she got a fright due to the health scare.

[Beverley Sims]

I see faults on both sides here , but, berating you in front of every body is not on.