Trust Issues

[Darla]

Hi All -

I haven't been posting for a long time, and for good reason - my wife was trying very hard to come to terms with my dressing. She grudgingly accepted underdressing, even went so far as to buy me panties for my last birthday (love her) but she and I still fall back on behaviors that are causing lack of trust. I bough some pantyhose at TJ Maxx, didn't tell her about it, and things blew up. She found some voice training videos on my phone, and that recently didn't go over too well. Right now we're in a fight that seems pretty final in some ways. We're both yelling at each other that we need to separate - she's been saying that for months - because I need time to figure this all out. Maybe she's right.

Add to that, things are bad - I was laid off from a well paying job after getting relocated a year ago, and I find myself in the middle of the country without friends, family or professional contacts. I feel like such a loser.

Feeling down and depressed and trapped. Just wanted to vent and gain a little sympathy if at all possible. Things look bad, but I'm sure they'll change. Whetherr that change is going to be better remains to be seen.

Darla

[Dana44]

Darla, I'm not sure I would give up on the relationship. Communication is most important and rebuild that trust. You should always share your desires to buy something. Especially since you are out of work, Even financial issues may hurt your relationship. I would communicate and let her know how important she is to you. Yelling never works, try to find time to discuss things well.

[Tracii G]

Have a good heart to heart with her is the best advice I can give.

[Brandy Mathews]

Darla,
I agree. Just try talking it out. We are always here for you.
Hugs ,
Bree :)

[Rhanda]

You need to prioritize. Your most important thing is to replace that job. I have no idea what your line is but you must be good at something worthwhile or your former employer would not have moved you. Go on the internet and Google inquiries about jobs available in your field in an area of your choosing. When you have that next job and your wife is happy with the situation, then you can have another talk about your passion for dressing.

You mention that you are disconnected from professional contacts. I'm sure that you have heard about the internet.

The largest thing that hurts a marriage is insecurity in the area of finances. Don't spend another cent on dressing until you can assure your spouse of financial security.

Rhanda

[Jill Devine]

Chances are that there's a lot of fear and concern around the lost job and being in a place far away from friends and family. All of that = stress. And it's normal to vent and unfortunately sometimes we take it out on the ones closest to us.

Recognize its ok to be scared, lost and lonely. But the two of you should pledge to stay best friends and to rally around each other. Take the focus off the clothing and place it on the challenge of finding work and/or relocating again. You both might realize that there's more challenges in life than dressing. Pantyhose won't make either of you homeless but your job situation might. There are bigger fish to fry.

[Pat]

Add to that, things are bad - I was laid off from a well paying job after getting relocated a year ago, and I find myself in the middle of the country without friends, family or professional contacts. I feel like such a loser.

Just a thought -- maybe the crossdressing is the thing you're fighting about but the problem is your current life situation. If nothing else, crossdressing ticks up when other stresses come into our lives. (How many of us say that crossdressing gives us stress relief?) If you can agree to suspend the crossdressing argument while you work on the job or re-relocation it might be more productive (since it's more fixable) and have a positive outcome for both situations.

[Bria]

I'm with Jill, you and your wife need to focus on the job and location problem first, I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[kimdl93]

It sounds as though you have a lot going on in your life, particularly financial, that needs to be your focus right now. Get to the task of finding employment and then start rebuilding the damage to your marriage.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Darla, sorry to hear the self-esteem has taken a bashing, it's never easy dealing with that particular challenge.

If your r/ship is strong in other ways, perhaps the tension over the CDing can be overcome; if it was shaky before the CDing, then I guess you have to face the reality of breaking up? I hope she's big enough not to let the CDing be the deal-breaker.

I suppose it goes without saying, but you certainly get this gal's sympathy.

Hugs and a slice of really gooey chocolate cake,

Nikki xx

[Jenniferathome]

... - but she and I still fall back on behaviors that are causing lack of trust. I bough some pantyhose at TJ Maxx, didn't tell her about it, and things blew up. She found some voice training videos on my phone, and that recently didn't go over too well. Right now we're in a fight ...

Darla, it is not just trust, but what you are doing is stoking her fear that there is "more" to come. You see it as buying something. She may well see it as yet another step in your transition! Voice training? That would be really scary to a wife. It smells like a transition move. Communication is your issue. You need to get this out in the open. You have to explain yourself so she can understand that it is not a more serious implication (if that is the case).

[meganmartin]

Darla,

Sorry for all your troubles...On the wife only thing I would suggest is just be patient.

Although sometimes we don't see crossdressing as a big deal we finally came to terms with it. But many who love us have a perception of what we should be and we are changing that perception. It just takes time.

It took my wife almost 8 years to see me dressed and now she is still not thrilled but she knows it makes me happy.

Want to add there is some good advice on this thread. What Jenniferathone said is spot on, she is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ok i know about this but what else is there to it.
The best advice I can give you keep reassuring her that your love her and nothing is going to change that.

[Teresa]

Darla,
We all have problems with moving goal posts ! I'm sorry that things aren't going well!
Could your wife be more upset about you spending on dressing now your income has suddenly stopped ? It's not a nice feeling that what ever you do is wrong ! Obviously your CDing is going to be her prime target until you get yourself sorted out ! Feeling the way you do dressing gives you the feel good factor to maybe get you through but the wife isn't going to see it like that ! I guess try and and calm it down and get to talk level headed ! I know that's easier said than done, I've been there and and it's not easy !

[Beverley Sims]

marriage is a wonderful institution, there is love there, remember why you married in the first place.

As for your present situation, it will change and new opportunities do arise.

[Darla]

Thanks all! I appreciate the posts and yes - prioritizing the job search is foremost, the two of us are coming to grips that everything else is kind of moot. We made up. We usually do. Shes so great, and I do have the chance to underdress at home while I'm looking for work - and yes, using the internet!

Professional contacts are not far off, juts back on the coast where we moved from, and most likely where we'll move back to. Family is there, friends are there and a more stable and rich job market is there. Its just so hard when you come up against the limitations of your career when you're supposed to be at the peak of where you should be at. I truly think that there were elements of why I didnt suceed because of these outstanding crossdressing/gender issues.

I'm not happywith my gender - I'm in therapy and theres lots of discussion about it. I want to present to my wife where I'm at and how we can work through it. Thankfully the therapist has TG experience and is helping me come to terms with it, but as you all know theres a fine balancing act when it comes to marriage spouse and family. We'll get to the best place soon, just need a stable and solid financial situation, which is what I've been able to provide for a long time up until now.

The job sitch also gets me a chance to prepare for the future as so much changes in professions - mine is changing and Ive been on a management track for so long I'vee had a hard time keeping my skillset up to par. Nows the time to reevaluate and maybe even go back to school to take that lateral leap. I have a plan, and I have a great deal of experience. I just need that bit of confidence back.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. I keep forgetting how wonderful this board is as a resource. But isn't that the way we move our lives forward (including employment) through relationships, reaching out and asking for help?

Hugs to all - Darla

[Tina_gm]

The trust issues are simply because you are doing things without telling her. Regardless of the activities or issues, if one partner is not telling the other about a major aspect of their lives, it is a breeding ground for trust issues.

We want our partners to accept us, feel comfortable with us and to realize we mean no harm and that we are still the same person. Sneaking purchases and sneaking anything about it in general totally undermines our efforts. The sneaking only causes affirmation of the fears and concerns our partners have.

[Angie G]

Sorry you having a hard time. hang in there girl. don't let it consume you hun or it will. you can overcome all this.:hugs:
Angie

[ilianar17]

It is easier to say this than do it, but I would look at the positives. Like you said, you're without friends, family or professional contacts around. Unless its NOT your main motive to out yourself as a woman and just keep it your own little secret, then I'd suggest going all out. Expose your female self as much as you can, if that's what you desire. Truth be told, from your story all I see is a wife mispleased with who you are. This is an example of those tough "life decisions":

Option 1 - Leave her. Be yourself.
Firstly, in order to accomplish great things for ourselves we need to make sacrifices.
Secondly, if you love her you don't want her stuck in a loveless and full-of-doubts relationship. Life is here for us to live it.

Option 2 - Stay with her, apologize, explain its a tiny fetish, don't push crossdressing further.
Realize that being a man is what's really going on with your mind and your crossdressing efforts is that added "spice" to your life.

Of course the choice is yours. Depends on the character what you'll choose.
I just wanted to make matters very simple for you because sometimes simplicity is all we require to clear our heads off random-blasting thoughts.
I wish it all turns out good for you, one way or the other.

*sends digital hug*

[Curiosity666]

It always seems that life throws up all sorts of troubles all at once. Moving away from friends and family is stressful enough in itself, let alone loosing your job.

Just remember, you're not a looser :)

[Sarah-RT]

Darla I've no experience in situations like that but as you say you feel like a loser after losing your job and isolated from friends and family I'd urge you regardless of whatever else may happen to at the very least keep in contact here if not with others you know.

I had a similar spell 3 years ago and when all these things begin piling up your mental health can take a serious knock.

Whatever else, we're all here to talk

Sarah