Continuing community engagement after full time

[PretzelGirl]

This came up in part of another post and I think it would be interesting to see the variety in responses. Once we go full time, we will naturally each have a different level of continuing engagement in the TG or LGBT community and I think it would be interesting to see how much everyone's comfort level and engagement relate along with how long it has been since they went full time (I am leaving transition alone since it is obviously vague and the topic of another current post). I know some may go "stealth" and others may stay well connected. We are a diverse bunch!

I went full time six months ago. My goal has been to stop talking about it on a regular basis among family and friends unless they bring it up and I have been pretty good about it; I wasn't at first. I will post an occasional related post on Facebook for the things that are most important to me, like a non-discrimination law passing, which my wife actually put on my wall, but she just beat me to it.

Now I could possibly have let go of those types of posts, but I am still engaged in the community. I belong to three regular groups and am feeling out a fourth. One is a Tri-Ess group. Yes, I don't technically fit, but friendships are forever. Two are general transgender, one support and one social. And the last is a LGBT "50+" group. To top it off, I recently applied to be on the Board of Directors of my state Pride Center. I am hopeful for that as that would be a great way to give back.

Now I am a pretty busy person and that seems, and also is I guess, LGBT heavy. But it is rarely discussed at work, I have a side business where I work with many people and I can't remember the last time it came up there, and it only comes up with family when I have to update them on something important (not often). I had thought about it and even if I went as far into stealth as I could while staying in the same job, etc; I am still married to my wife, so I am LGBT by any level of appearance, so I am letting things settle to find my comfort zone. So it is an interesting balance and I will have to see how it all pans out.

[Jorja]

It is important to remember almost everyone here is within the first five years of their transition. It is important for most (not all) to maintain relations with those that got them there for about the first five years. After that, most tend to get used to everyday life as a woman. They get busy with life. They realize they are no longer Trans anything. They slowly start to fade away from the trans community. Eventually, they are never heard from again. That's a good thing because it means a lot of things are going right in their new lives. Your situation is a little different, Sue. You are married to a woman and that puts you in that LGBT relm.

You say OK Jorja, it has been 35 years since you transitioned. Why are you here? I just like most of the others faded away from the community. I was out there for like 18 years enjoying life. I was lucky enough to be able to get married to a great guy because my birth certificate said I was female with no notations. Thanks State of Hawaii I owe you one. Then a few years ago I lost him due to a heart condition he and his doctors never knew he had. A year or so had passed by and I need to reconnect. I found this site. I made a few friends and here I still am. I can't leave you kids to get into trouble all by yourselves.;)

[Rogina B]

Jorja is so great! Love her! Sue,there is so much you can do to help the alphabet world by being the "bold T" in it..Here in NE Florida,I truly enjoy contributing to public awareness. I am married as well. My wife realizes that I am happy contributing toward the good of the community. We need to stand strong against the pushback from last year's gains. Almost no one is truly stealth,they only think they are...

[PretzelGirl]

Jorja, I love that you are here, but I am sorry that it happened because of a great loss. I hope the pain has lessened as I know it will never go away.

Rogina, if I get on the board, I will be the first "T" on it in a while. But it is about the community as a whole first, then being the voice of the "T" world second (and some shudder after seeing my posts :D). But this organization is a 501(c)3, so it is very much about support services and politics is an absolute no-no. There is another organization that will lead the charge over the next year. This year they helped with that non-discrimintation law. Accommodations is next year.

[Rhanda]

I have never come out directly to anyone that I know well at the time but am not shy at telling people that I don't know well. Like the SA at the shoe store who was so helpful the other day. I just seem to open up to that kind of person and have had good experiences every time.

You see, I'm a really nice guy and I like people. I think that if we treat people with respect and are honest we can make friends for all of us. I would rather be wrong about this than to be distrusted.

Rhanda

[arbon]

I still get conflicted about it. There is a need within me that wants to cut myself off from everything trans and get it all behind me. A lot of times I don't want to be known as trans anything and am tired of it all. I just want to be a regular woman.

but at the same time the community, other trans people, can be so interesting and awesome and there are so many great friends that I have made. Lots of people who care about me and that I care about. And them there are young trans kids more of whom are coming out, there is a young trans boy my daughter started hanging out with recently and he was so excited and happy to meet me and another trans woman I introduced him to, which makes me feel like I should be out and open about it to help others.

I still share about being trans on my FB page too, its still such a big part of my life sometimes I have a hard time filtering myself. But out in the real world I rarely ever talk to anyone face to face about it except with other trans people

I like the LGB community too. So heck I don't know anymore :-/
Someday I will figure my comfort zone and stay there.

[Nicole Erin]

What happened to me is I pretty much just got bored with TG related stuff.
One goes as far as possible transition-wise and there is only so much to talk or obsess about.

Sometimes people want to ask questions or bring up my tranniness and it just kind of bores me the same way hearing about politics is boring.
The fun part of going full time is great at first, like getting a new car. At first it is like "YEAH" but after a while it is like, "Yep, there it is, big whoop".

Sometimes I drop by the local TG meetings just for a bite to eat, get out of the house, and chat about stuff NOT related to being TG.

I don't make a conscious effort to exclude myself from the community, I just outgrew it. If someone is TG or not makes no difference.

[PaulaQ]

Heh, the dilemma I mentioned when I went OT in my own post!

This is a hard choice for me. Me, personally? I don't identify with most of the local trans community well at all. I'm not trans-anything. I'm just a woman. (I know those two statements are lies - but they are how I feel.) I'm really good at helping other trans people though. I like helping others, and god knows, we need it. On top of that, the fight over trans rights is hard to walk away from. I'd feel like a coward. And yet I really hate identifying myself to others as trans.

I'm a lot more comfortable in the hetero-normative cisgender world though. Unfortunately, I also can't ever see it the way I used to see it. I read about another trans kid who committed suicide because of bullying, and I realize what a terrible world these people have created. Yeah, I could fit in just fine - as long as I was willing to turn a blind eye to they way they treat others. I'd really like to be happy, and think I would be happy just being a woman, living my life. I just don't think I could live with myself if I ignore the wicked things cis people do to us, and other LBGT people.

I hate this story, but I'm going to tell it. The one openly gay kid in my school read me big time. He tried to befriend me. This freaked me the hell out - no way was I going to be friends with this kid! That just gave way too much away! So I avoided him. I didn't torment or bully him, but I didn't exactly befriend him, or stick up for him either. (In all fairness to myself, I got bullied a hell of a lot because I'm handicapped.) Still, I could've done the right thing. I just was afraid to do it.

He was murdered for being gay. No, I had no direct involvement in this, have no idea who did it, nor any other such thing. But I also didn't lift a finger to be a friend to this guy, and stick up for him. And I feel guilt over this - I was a coward, so concerned with my own self-preservation, that I gladly let another be sacrificed. I have no idea whether I would've made any difference. Probably, I wouldn't have. But you know what? I didn't do a goddamned thing to even try. I'm ashamed of this, to this day.

So as uncomfortable as I am being out, it's also going to be really hard to feel like I'm not doing the same thing all over again, walking away from the trans community - letting others more obvious than myself take the worst of the abuse, while I try to slide by attracting no attention.

This really is a terrible dilemma for me. I have some time to resolve it in my own mind. But I am conflicted, to put it mildly.

[becky77]

I feel like a bit of an outsider on this quetion, I have visited Trans places years ago and never fit in so found my own path through this. The only place I keep touch with other Trans folk is on this forum and on a UK forum, so only online.

Do I owe something to the Trans community? The answer to that would be I don't really feel I owe anything as no one helped me when I needed it, most of the Trans folk I met were far too self absorbed.
Or can I help others, I guess that is the question?

I wonder if the answer to this has some relation to where you live, I can see living in Texas there would be a real pull to stand up and fight for peoples rights.
I live near London, only the day before yesterday it was on the front cover of a paper about NHS treating Transgender children, things are a lot more diverse here and there is a lot more awareness of people being different.
I think I have said this before, I am a woman, I want to just live a normal life as a woman, my Trans status will always be there in the all the people that knew me before.
You could argue it's wrong for me to just disappear into the system but that's who I am, that's the whole point of Transition isn't it? To live as an authentic woman, so why should I feel guilty that I am doing just that and not outing myself everywhere to make a point about being Trans?

In my own way I have influenced 100's of people in my Transition, I have had work colleagues that have never spoken much to me before, come up and say how much they admire what I have done and ask about my story, in that small way I feel I have done my part to show what it is to be Transexual.
Each of those people might carry to others that they know of someone Transexual, there fear of the unkown gone and the realisation that we can be normal.

Also, how can I speak for other Trans folk, when if i'm honest I see an awful lot making a mockery of it. For example Kaitlyns story about the Crossdressers in the changing room. I can only tell my own story, I can't speak for other Trans people as even on this TS forum we all see things different. We can't even agree what Transition is.

I'm going to get hated for saying this, but people like me merge into the background and just get on with life, most of the time no one notices me. The general perception of being Trans is often from the media, someone like me doesn't want to be broadcast everywhere, but someone like Bruce Jenner........
Also, we have all seen it, Trans folk out shopping mincing along in stockings and short skirts etc, cheap obvious wigs, bright makeup. Sorry, but while these people have no idea how they represent the community, i'm too embarassed to be associated with it all.

[Rianna Humble]

This came up in part of another post and I think it would be interesting to see the variety in responses. Once we go full time, we will naturally each have a different level of continuing engagement in the TG or LGBT community and I think it would be interesting to see how much everyone's comfort level and engagement relate along with how long it has been since they went full time

I have been full-time as me since 1st July 2010, so I'm coming up to the 5 year point mentioned elsewhere in this thread. I have always been an activist and an advocate for numerous under-represented groups and that is not likely to change simply because I am living an authentic life at long last.

I don't stand a snowflake's chance of going "stealth" so I won't try. I am happy to be part of an LGBT equalities group within my union and am able to make a real difference in that role.


I can't leave you kids to get into trouble all by yourselves.;)

No, Jorja, you are right. It is so much more fun with you leading us when we get into trouble :tongueout


I think I have said this before, I am a woman, I want to just live a normal life as a woman, my Trans status will always be there in the all the people that knew me before.
You could argue it's wrong for me to just disappear into the system but that's who I am, that's the whole point of Transition isn't it? To live as an authentic woman, so why should I feel guilty that I am doing just that and not outing myself everywhere to make a point about being Trans?

In our various ways, all of us who are(were?) transsexual want the same thing - to live a normal life as our true selves. You should not feel nor be made to feel guilty for this.


I'm going to get hated for saying this, but people like me merge into the background and just get on with life, most of the time no one notices me. The general perception of being Trans is often from the media, someone like me doesn't want to be broadcast everywhere

I hope no-one expresses hatred for you here - this is a support forum. You have every right to just get on with your life.

[I Am Paula]

When I first came out, I thought I owed an explanation to people, and was very open about my past. I discovered that they don't care, don't notice, or are very polite.
Slowly, I have withdrawn from the insular trans community, because, frankly, I don't need them as much anymore. I still enjoy a coffee with my trans friends, but it's just two women enjoying coffee. We may, or may not discuss trans anything. I go to my trans support/social group sporadically, and my total community service for this year will be handing out pamphlets for six hours at Pride.
I don't feel like I've abandoned my peers. It's just that I'm far more 'woman', than 'trans-woman'. Even on my FB page, tho' it still has a Pride banner, unless there is BIG news on the trans front, is more pictures of kitties, and guitars. Last year on FB, I announced my anniversary of being full time, my anniversary of starting HRT, etc. This year I may make a note that my birthday coincides with the day I made the descision to change. That's about it.
When I began transition, I was such a new adventure, it was FUN to talk about, and share. I was like a kitten smelling every blade of grass. I used to be the guy turning into a woman, next door. Now, the woman next door, and next, the old lady next door. I hope to be like Jorja, transition well behind me, but able to keep in touch, and hopefully help out a few souls along the way.

[PretzelGirl]

Becky, you have a wonderful story! If things are settling out and you are happy, then it is perfect! We have a wide path of destruction in what we do, to us, and sometimes to others. But if you can transition and then life just goes on, then rock it! And I agree about the work part. I think I can see in a few sets of eyes that walk past me in the hall that they don't approve. But that may be me reading into things and has been far offset by those that have embraced me and learned something in the process. Just showing that we are their friend, neighbor, or co-worker and everything is fine can be the greatest example. But staying connected is an internal thing for me and since you didn't have that connection prior, I can see why you wouldn't have anything to continue. But you can stay with us! :love:

Paula, I agree with the Facebook posts. Even early on, I tried not to firehose the posts. When I had a really high point, I posted something like "Love it when a really tough decision turns out 100% great". Everyone gets it without it being in their face.

[Rhanda]

After reading some of the posts on this thread I believe that I should go a little further and explain that I only CD and have no desire to either pass as a woman or transgender. I only want freedom I deserve and if I deserve freedom so does everyone else regardless of the degree that they might want to carry this condition that we all are afflicted with to some degree. Therefore it seems that the transgenders among us should be at least supportive of the CDers that boldly go forth and express their freedom to dress as they please as long as it is tasteful.

I'm not asking to be considered as a hero but do want your encouragement.

Rhanda

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm past the five-year mark and I make a conscious choice to stay engaged for many reasons. I found the support of others in the LGBT community to be invaluable and endeavor to pay it forward every chance I get. I know there's a lot of social progress to be made before life is no more complicated for a transgender child than it is for their cisgender peers. Given that I have the means to do so it seems cruel and selfish to walk away from those problems without giving them a second thought. As Jorja points out part of it could be the fact that I'm married to another woman, but in reality I could sweep that under the carpet in many aspects of my life and I choose not to. I talk about my wife at work, and to anyone else I happen to strike up a conversation with if it's relevant. Just yesterday I was chatting with the clerk in a music store who was talking about the range of services they offer including woodwind rentals, and I mentioned that my wife plays saxophone. Why not? The sooner people get used to the idea that they share the world with LGBT folks the better off we'll all be.

The one thing I don't do much of is spend time with other transgender people in my community. I've made a point of visiting the local support groups wherever I've lived but I rarely meet anyone I feel any connection with (and when I do it's more often the trans men – go figure.)

[arbon]

Rhanda - you want freedom to dress and express yourself as you like for whatever reasons you have to do so. Well you DO have that freedom and no one here is against that. Go forth and express yourself :-)
I'm all for it. I really am.

But it is very different when you have transitioned.

you opened up to an SA the other day. Cool. You did great for the community.

I would never do that though, not a chance. I could not even open up to my doctors new nurse a few months ago that I was transsexual until I absolutely had to. I want freedom from being known as trans and You want freedom to be trans openly. Very different.

The thing is I have gone through the $hit of being the out transgender woman and had to fight a lot of people - family, friends, employer, a whole community of people who knew me as male and who I had to try to convince them I am a woman (mostly I lose) , I even had the ACLU helping me to change my gender marker with the state. I fought. I cried. I hurt. I still hurt. I still fight. I'm tired.

I have to talk to my boss in the next week about needing medical leave so I can go to thailand for SRS next month - I have a good idea how it is going to go down and I am anxious and scarred. One more fight.

I crushed my wifes love and trust in me, I took my family through bankruptcy and loosing our house, embarrassed my mother, lost scores of friends, been rejected by most of my relatives, been laughed at, pointed at, stared at, threatened, and harassed all for the freedom to be me. It was all worth it, but extremely painful.

See it is very different between us. You see coming out to an SA at shoe store as a public relations opportunity between the trans and cis worlds, I see it as WTF would I ever do that for - it so insignificant and pointless and has nothing to do with my life.

I do support you in your right to dress as you like. I really do. If you don't feel like you have that freedom it is on you, no one else.

[becky77]

I want freedom from being known as trans and You want freedom to be trans openly. Very different.


Well put, that explains my feelings really well.

Btw, I love your new avatar picture, each picture you look more lovely than the last.

[Nigella]

This and one other forum, which I no longer post to, are the only trans community I have been part of. In my area of the UK, there is a large group just a few miles away, however, I have always done things my way, at my pace. Like Becky, no-one helped me along the way, with the exception of the ladies here.

I don't fool myself that I will be seen as a woman by Joe Public, but I am happy leading the life that I have, main stream, being part of the human race. I am always open and honest with those that ask, there are too many giveaways for me to be anything else.

[Rhanda]

Bless you Arbon, I understand your pain. When it comes to economic problems, I have experienced about everything. My marriage however is not one of my losses. My wife and I take our vows very seriously. " Love ,Honor and Obey til death do us part". That doesn't give me or her license but it builds a foundation that holds our marriage together. She by the way does not care how I dress as long as it is attractive and decent. She also accepted my practice of wearing makeup because I wore makeup when we were dating and on our wedding day. That was 67 years ago and counting. She hasn't always liked what I have done but there was never a thought of divorce. Some thought of murder maybe.LOL

What I so clumsily was trying to express was that some of us must be out front or this issue of freedom to dress as we please will never come. All of us hope for that, don't we?

Rhanda

[Rianna Humble]

Rhanda, you seem to be confusing a thread about transsexuals who have gone full-time with a cross-dressing advocacy thread. The two are very different. The "freedom to dress as we please" has nothing to do with overcoming severe gender dysphoria through transition.

[PaulaQ]

I've realized that part of the reason that I'm out is that I really am mostly fearless. I don't mean this as some type of a brag - I think I'm sort of broken. So it's easy for me to engage, and to challenge cisgender people with "I'm out - what are YOU going to do about it."

I stopped feeling fear after I attempted suicide in 2013. Maybe it's like my therapist says, and I have some type of death-wish. Maybe I'm seeking some type of adrenaline rush facing fears I do still have.

But I think I'm just kind of broken. It's not that I don't experience fear at all. I've had things happen, one in particular, where afterwards I was an emotional wreck for the next day because what happened was so extremely dangerous, and I knew I'd been lucky to escape it. While it happened, I was fine. I mean I knew I was in real trouble, the most serious trouble I'd ever been in. But I was calm.

So it's easy to stand up for the trans community. I'm not afraid of what cis people will do to me. I think this is the opposite reason I see many spend a lot of their time in the community - they are afraid, and many are quite lonely. (BTW, just because I'm not afraid doesn't mean I shouldn't be afraid - like I said, my lack of fear is irrational.)

The lonely part of the equation I get though. There are some cis people who know my history who treat me pretty decently, but they are the minority. I have really no close cisgender friends. So just because I'm (literally) crazy brave doesn't mean I find the experience satisfying emotionally. I hate that after I disclose my transness to cis people, they seem to treat me rather differently, and not usually in a good way. Its not always bad either, but I'm no longer just another woman they know.

I'd like to have some friends who I can go shopping with, or who want to talk about shoes. I'd like to talk about anything but trans stuff sometimes. I'm in a leadership position though, so I'm the girl they go to when they have problems. This is rewarding in its own way, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve others, but it can be taxing, and not always offer a lot of fun for me.

Part of me feels a calling to help others. I'm pretty good at it too, I think. The only trouble is that part of me that wants to help needs way better boundaries - it doesn't care if I burn out or have no real life of my own.

@Rhanda - all gender variant people should be able to live openly and authentically. The thing is, most of us here don't want to be treated as gender variant. We just want to be treated as the women we are. If nothing else I say makes sense, consider that at least the intensities of our respective experiences were perhaps somewhat different, since for me, I was miserable enough two years ago trying to live as a man that I attempted to take my own life. My marriage ended, and I lost every friend I have ever had, save one, because of my transition. I'm one of the lucky ones though - I kept my job and mother, sister, and (for now) my kids. I'm not trying to lessen or invalidate your experience, just pointing out that some of ours have been really hard.

[Leah Lynn]

May I just say that I'm so happy to have a place to come to, that I can learn from the more experienced ladies here. For the most part, I'm on my own here in Smallville. Most of my family supports me, but none live close enough to actually "be there" for me. Not to mention that being a truck driver, with irregular working hours, makes everything else very difficult.

Every time I get depressed, feeling abandoned, or attacked by negative thoughts, I can always (ALMOST always!) come here for enlightenment, encouragement or a verbal kick in the butt. I have the utmost respect for you seasoned veterans. Without you I may well have given up, gone back to suffering GD, rather than marching forward into the unknown. A very scary unknown.

Thank you all for being here. I love every one of you.

Hugs,

Leah

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, broken or not, and I think that maybe we could all say we were broken in a sense because we led an inauthentic life for some time, I can relate to your need to be out there. When I came out to everyone, I told them that questions were good as it was educational. I wanted them to understand so that they could accept. They skipped ahead to acceptance and asked me nothing. Eh, maybe a few here and there, but mostly nothing. So I have a pent up need to give back in some way. Maybe I will do what I have planned and then fade into the background at the end, playing with grandkids. Probably not. I am a big mouth if that doesn't show already.

I admire the time and effort you put into your community. Because of the lives you touch, it is never a broken effort. It can be unforgiving at times as there is exposure and thankless tasks, but you are doing wonderful things and don't forget that. I admire all that work in the community, those that stay here to help, and those who that have to strength to fill their internal need to move on. I don't believe that a single thing is easy.

But there will be some of us that just want to live as a women and those of us that want to be involved in the community and there is no broken in any of that. Just a variance of life choices based on our needs and personalities. My need is to give and the next person's need is to live 100% as a woman and not even be viewed as a transwoman. Life's varieties.

[Nigella]

I believe that those who stay, especially on this forum or within TS groups do so to help those who follow on behind. We all know how difficult this journey is, the sacrifices that are made, compromises agreed to, all to help others accept us. Those who continue supporting do so because they have experience and hindsight which is offered freely and unconditionally to others.

[PaulaQ]

I think the real test for me will happen if I get an opportunity to move out of Dallas. I'd like to leave this place. I'd like to live any place else but Texas. My job is portable, but my boyfriend's isn't we leave here, he will no longer be a police officer.

Anyway, when I leave here, it remains to be seen whether or not I'll continue to be out, and to engage the community. I bet I do both, perhaps with less engagement than I have now.

I suspect I'll sort of live in exile, making friends in the LGBT community, even though the LGB folks really aren't my folks. They tend to be more accepting though. The T's are accepting of course, and I expect most of my friends will be trans, even though I think I don't fit in well with a lot of them, either. It is wonderful to see someone trans celebrate their new life in the queer world. Maybe they are non-binary, or are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or maybe kinky or poly. Its wonderful to see people blossom, and I am so happy for them. And I relate to their experience in no way whatsoever, other than also being trans. I really am happy to see them find a niche in the world, be it the trans world, the LGB world, or even the cis world.

I'd like to just be a straight girl in the cis normative / heteronormative world, but I don't see that happening. I can't turn my back on my community, and I'd feel like a hypocrite hiding my transness. And it is hard to ignore some of the awful ways soome cis people treat us. Anyway, if I'm out in the straight world, I can't imagine having a place in it. At least that's been my experience so far. Currently I'm that "hey, do you mind if I ask you a personally invasive question?" trans woman.

Anyway, I think I'll sort of be a woman without a country.

[Leah Lynn]

Paula, I think most of us feel that way to some extent. I often refer to myself as the freak.But then, I've always been rather self denegrating.

I'm not aware of any reason a LEO's credentials would not transfer to another state.

And I think I found my chance to give back. I found out that someone is starting a Pflag group here in Smallville. I'm going to make contact, and volunteer to help in any way I can.

Leah