BA (Bachelor of Acceptance) or doing things by degrees

[Danitgirl1]

Hi All
So first off, I want to acknowledge that I am definitely very lucky in that I have a participatory and VERY accepting wife.
Secondly I would like to say I think we all deserve to be accepted by those we love and I find the stories of those whose families ostracise them for being trans very upsetting.

I have seen a few threads lately about being 'accepted' by the non trans spouse. Typically the person is expressing (on at least some level) frustration with being in a DADT relationship and wishing that their spouses were 'more accepting' of them and their crossdressing (or other trans behaviour/s).

Having read My Husband Betty, I am struck by the fact that those of us in a DADT relationship have in fact been accepted. The only time you are not being accepted is when your spouse rejects you and your crossdressing (or whatever) out of hand and says stop it or we get a divorce.

Everything else is really a matter of degrees. Of course it would be nice if your spouse did exactly as you wished all the time (actually, no, that would probably be awful, but you get what I mean) but this is just not reasonable. Our spouses are real people too with their own desires, fears, needs etc.

I wonder if accepting the degree of acceptance offered by our spouses wouldn't make us happier individuals?

Your thoughts?

Hugs

Daniella

PS I have blogged about this in slightly more detail if you are interested.

[pamela7]

Hi Daniella,

My sense of the answer is a little "yes" and a bigger "no". Yes, because any degree of acceptance brings a greater inner peace and happiness, but no, because if the urge is stifled then unfortunately we do not care for what we have, only for the greener grass of that which we do not, and thus is the nature of human desire.

I am beyond lucky given all the stories i see here, but still I am irked by the little boundaries I tolerate.

[Leslie Langford]

...I wonder if accepting the degree of acceptance offered by our spouses wouldn't make us happier individuals?...

Yes, I suppose that we could view the glass as being half-full as opposed to being half-empty, but happy??? More like "resigned to accepting that which we cannot change, and learning to live with it".

Is a former cancer patient who is currently in remission "happy"? A person with kidney failure who has to undergo dialysis 3 times a week as the price for remaining alive "happy"? Someone who has to live with the pain of chronic arthritis every day or wear a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives "happy"?

Count your blessings, Dani. You may have been in DADT mode with your spouse at one point of your life and experienced first hand the pain the rest of us feel continuously, so you may know whereof you speak. However, you have since been able to put all that behind you, and for you that is simply a distant, unpleasant memory. For the rest of us, it is a daily reminder of what might have been...

[Tina_gm]

I feel that a non participating wife is an accepting wife, so long as she knows anything she wants to know about it. Accepting and liking are two different things. I accept that I am balding. I shave my head because it looks better than a half head of hair, or a comb over etc etc. Do I like it? No. If I could take a pill to grow a full head of hair? In a heartbeat. Does it make my life a bad life? Not at all.

Part of the challenges of being on the tg spectrum is dealing with those who do know, specifically our spouses or partner and their own issues and levels of comfort with it all.

Dadt, or just a partner/wife who is not a fan of it and chooses not to participate is at least living within a truthful relationship. And, there is no more hiding, lies secrets, and likely more time to dress than before. Is it perfect? No. Better than them rejecting it outright and leaving us? Absolutely. They are choosing to remain with us despite it. It is a true sign of love, and acceotance.

[kimdl93]

Certainly, DADT is better than being thrown out of the house and in itself represents a measure...a degree...of acceptance. I suppose that one can learn to accept and live with the reality that one's wife or SO is tolerant, but not enthusiastic in her acceptance. But I can also imagine that even once one has accepted (or resigned) oneself to that reality, there will always be a longing for something more.

[Beverley Sims]

It would be nice if acceptance was all wine and roses, but, then what would you do for adventure. :)