What would you tell a stranger about Crossdressing?

[Sarah Doepner]

If you had the chance to teach a class or address a group about the topic of Crossdressing and Crossdressers what would be the two or three most important things you tell them?

Now consider the possibility that the group is LGBTQ. Would you tell them anything different?

I have lots of ideas but I don't want to guide this thread, I want to harvest your ideas and preferences as I prepare an outline for such a possible presentation.

[Brandy Mathews]

First thing that I would tell them is.....Most people assume that all crossdressers are gay, we all know that is not true. Second, I would tell them, at least for me, that crossdressing makes me a more complete, caring, compassionate person. There are two things anyway that I can think of.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[Chrissi]

Sarah, that is an incredibly broad subject. It perhaps would be beneficial to focus on a particular aspect of crossdressers who identify as TG, TS, are young, old, at risk, marginalized?

I doubt I would differentiate my audience because there are some incredibly sensitive and understanding and knowledgable non-LGBTQIA allies, as well as some incredibly bigoted and uncaring LGBT community members. To do so would be perhaps stereotyping and erroneously presupposing to all.

If I may, PFLAG and GLSEN have some wonderful resources for presenting to an audience. I have attended several GLSEN conferences and have always learned something new.

Good luck, I know I didn't answer your direct post but I hope it helps a little.
Chrissi

[Miriam-J]

Nice inquiry, Sarah. I've actually given this a lot of thought in recent months as I expect to have just such an opportunity in the near future. I've done a lot of professional presentations through the years, as well as teaching for work and church. I always start with a few general thoughts:
- What do I think the audience already knows?
- What do they want to learn?
- What concerns do they have about the subject?
- What can I share with them that will best address their concerns?
- What do I want them to take away from the discussion?

There's a lot of variation in the public in information and disinformation about crossdressers, so it'll be hard to cover as much as you'd like if you only have a few minutes or even an hour. If you're dealing with a subject that most of the audience fears, it's generally best to assume they have little or no solid information and start by addressing the concerns, then moving on to deeper material as time allows.

Given all that, I'd suggest the following as a starter:
- We're just normal people. In fact, they probably know a number of crossdressers but don't know which of their contacts are CDs - just as they don't know which of those contacts experience any of the many wonderful varieties in life.
- I'm just one example of a crossdresser, and there are many different variations from those who crossdress just a little at home to those who crossdress nearly full-time (you can expand on this if you like).
- We're often considered to be part of the transgendered world, which introduces even more variations, including full FTM or MTF transsexuals.
- Some crossdressers are homosexual, but most are straight - just as it is among non-crossdressers.
- Many of us try to emulate the best qualities of the women we've known in our lives.
- None of us can really tell you why we crossdress, but we can share how we feel when we do.

I think you can see the general sense of what I'm relating here, and others can expand on it. If all this goes well and you have more time, you can delve into trickier subjects. But it's easy to overwhelm people the first time out so be careful.

Good luck.

Mir

[Kate Simmons]

I'd probably say: "You're not from around these parts are you? " :battingeyelashes::)

[Sarah-RT]

Second, I would tell them, at least for me, that crossdressing makes me a more complete, caring, compassionate person

Bree i would have to agree with you on this point, ive always felt uncaring and unsympathetic towards others because it was either ''same sh!t, different day'' or they would never ask me about how i was so i became quite selfish and introverted. over the last few months ive found myself becoming very considerate of others, within reason of course, as well as to stop focusing on myself and the walls ive been throwing up between me and others due to crossdressing, i dont know whether thats because i tell myself that stereotypically women are supportive, or because im exposing myself more and need support, maybe both

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Sarah.
• Some of us say this started in early childhood, while others are "late bloomers"
and are well into their 50's, or possibly later.
• There is a wide variety amongst us, from the underdressers, to the all out head
to toe transformations, and everywhere in between.
Some are 24/7, and others are satisfied with once every other month, or even less often.
So, to group us all together and say "this is what a CDer is" in a simple concise statement is
nearly impossible.
If speaking to the LGBTQ community, other than the above, I'd be more interested
in what they believe about CDers. How do they feel we fit in?
Good luck prepare that presentation.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[kimdl93]

I'll stick with a group of total strangers.

Point one: why? there is a growing body of research suggesting both genetic and epigenetic influences contribute towards transgenderism, that latter relating to how factors such as hormone exposure may influence gene expression. In other words, we are born this way.

Point two: We are married, single, divorced, heterosexual, homosexual, male, female, good parents, good neighbors, every imaginable profession and skilled blue collar workers, soldiers, law enforcement, and law abiding citizens.

Point three: We are not pedophiles, sexual predators, peeping toms, or any other type of social miscreant.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, Something like, If I have to explain it to you, you probably won't understand it anyway.:daydreaming:

[docrobbysherry]

The most important thing I could tell them is:

Whatever u think CD's and Trans r? They most likely aren't. CD's/Ts's r some of the most interesting and remarkable people I've ever met. (Including u of course, Sarah). Sit down and have a chat with one. It will change your idea of us forever!

Me telling LGBTQ's anything? Not likely. I'd be learning from them!

[MichelleDevon]

Sarah Charles, for what it's worth I'd say Miriam's advice on this is pretty well spot on. As an ex-teacher myself I can equate with her breakdown of the "lesson plan".

Like others here, I have never had to do this to a large group in a lecture type situation but I have sat with a group of work colleagues who I did not previously know and went through much of this with them (see my recent post under the thread about going out with male friends). People, particularly women I find, seem to be genuinely interested. They have many preconceptions, many of which are totally erroneous, and not a few will have extrapolated from those preconceptions putting 2 and 2 together to make something closer to 10 than 4!

Candour on your part is essential - no point in ducking issues or being cagey with your responses to the many questions you are likely to get. Follow Miriam's outline and you won't go far wrong and your "audience" will go away much better informed. And the further we can spread this message the sooner it will be that we become as "accepted" in society as the LGB group. There will always be some who maintain a stance against us born of ignorance or dogma or fear or some other spurious reason but the more visible we are and the more society in general accepts us as ordinary people the more marginalised the "opposition" will become. And if you doubt the veracity of that you only have to look at the changing attitudes towards homosexuality over the last 40 years...from pariahs of society to being accepted married couples.

I am always happy to talk to anyone and everyone about crossdressing and what and who I am. I always have pictures with me and I try never to miss an opportunity whether I am there as Stephen or as Michelle. Only last weekend I was browsing a very nice ladieswear shop (as Stephen) and was asked by the sales assistant if I was looking for a gift for someone; "No," I said, "I'm looking for myself" and showed her a photograph of Michelle. She was happy and we chatted as I browsed and I will be back there again as Michelle to try on...

Sarah - be brave, be prepared and BE YOURSELF and enjoy.

Michelle
xxxx

[Krisi]

I would try not to put myself in that situation (addressing a group on the subject of crossdressing). I have addressed groups on technical matters but these were subjects where I was the "expert". Although I consider myself a crossdresser, I am not an expert on the subject. I can't even explain why I do it.

The one thing I would like the general public to know is that I, like most crossdressers, am not gay and do not plan on becoming a woman.

[meganmartin]

Sarah Charles,

I have given two college presentations on cross-dressing.
Both classes were teaching trans-gender issues and where does cross-dressing fit in.
Although I have knowledge of other elements of cross-dressing and trans-gender from the many things I've read and discussed with others.

But to answer your question I have always tried to convey how I feel and tell my story. What you tell others should be your personal story of how you started, how it has effected your marriage or family relationships etc.

People tend to relate and feel more emotion when it is a personal story.

[susan jackson]

The first thing I would say to ANYONE is...'If you have got any questions, ask'!

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you all.

Much of what has been suggested has been committed to the outline and some of it had totally escaped my navel-gazing. I want to spend some time letting the audience know the range of interests, personalities, family connections, skills and experiences they will find in our corner of the world. I also want to find ways to to get them as allies as we slowly follow the paths set by other groups that are now better understood and closer to acceptance in general society. So along with the normal and good, I need to include information from the annual Transgender Day of Rememberance as a reminder of how serious the consequences can be if things don't change significantly.

So thanks again and please send more! I appreciate the input and look forward to added suggestions and opinions.

[Jackie7]

I recently was asked to speak to an audience of about 75 people, specifically
to explain crossdressing. I tried to differentiate people like me - hetero male CD- from drag queens on one hand, and TG folk on the path to changing gender on the other, not to mention the bi-gendered among us. Was not surprised to learn that most of them had not realized there were any differences.

[Cheryl T]

The first thing I would say to a group would be...."We are simply people, just like you".
If they asked me why I would ask why they are right or left handed. If they don't know then they are in the same boat with me.

If it were a group in the community then I would first tell them, "We all need to support each other, no matter what are life style, no matter if we are bi, gay, lesbian, CD, TG, TS. We need unity in the community."

[pamela7]

The first thing i would do would be to ask what people "know, or think they know" about crossdressing and crossdressers.
Then I would respond by addressing any fallacies, expanding on positive perceptions and debunking strong negative connotations.

I try to uniquely explain to each person I meet, who needs to know, in their terms.

Broadly, its people who dress in clothing of the opposite sex, mostly men now are seen as CD, and that the demographic spans the normal population: mostly hetero folks but a large minority fitting LGB, and that many people appearing as cross-dressers may be transsexuals, who are folks born into a different gendered body to their sense of self.

I's then explain that for example, I do it because I feel happier in the clothing, but for many people it's a fetish, and that there are a plethora of motivations but no-one is the wiser as to why, and that there is no "treatment" to stop it or change it. My opinion is that for many early-onset folks it is a refusal to form the "anima" (the dissociated female self of the male), and that for late-onset folks its a return of the anima, but that this is just my opinion, not the truth.

I'd also explain that, when you think about it, its just clothes, and really no big deal, get over it and realise its just personal choice of expression.

[sometimes_miss]

In other words, we are born this way.
What about those of us who weren't? There are a whole lot of people here who went for years without considering wearing female specific clothing; some, half a century or more. That kind of throws a wrench in the works about us all being born that way. At some point, something triggered the initial event. At this point in time, however, society still pressures boys to believe that to be anything feminine is the worst thing we can be. Until that changes, most of us won't be able to clearly identify what it was in our lives (or when) that initial thought may have occurred. We may, however, be able to remember when it first crossed into our consciousness and we became aware that we desired to wear the clothes and/or emulate females.

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

I have had the opportunity to chat with many strangers and friends about being TG. I will stick to how I explain the one question I get all the time (not sure if this is what you are looking for) . . . "why?" Inherently, it is a tough concept for many to grasp and I have gone down the nurture/nature road only to see confused looks from people as they try to grasp it. So I settled on an analogy which resonates with people and helps them understand why dressing and spending time "en femme" is important to me.

Consider your core identity (what makes you who you are) as a music hall. The orchestra is compose of all the various identities you take on in your life "husband", "father", "brother", "sporty guy", "military guy" etc. etc. (they are all different for each of us). Now in a perfect world those identities would work together in sync to weave a tapestry of music and sound that would resonate harmoniously. They do this because nothing is missing. In my case while my identities all tried to work together, you might say the string section was missing and the only music they could play was chaotic, loud and out of sync. Along came this part of my identity, the lone "girl string section" and her simple and melodious sound slowly brought order to chaos and the tapestry of music returned to harmonious balance.

Hugs

Isha

[Taylor186]

The Genderbread Person: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/

[Beverley Sims]

Explain that cross dressing seems to be a compulsion and build on that.

To an LGBT group I would tailor it differently probably going into relationships.

[Mink]

i'd tell them that we CDers all put our panties on one leg at a time...

if you know what I mean!

[Pat]

Really? 23 responses and nobody is going to say, "I'd tell them crossdressing is not for sissies?" OK, then I guess I won't either....

[Mink]

oh it's totally for sissies!

hehe!

[SharonDenise]

Isha, I like your analogy of a symphony orchestra that needs all its sections to play beautiful music. Creative!

[Sarah Doepner]

I appreciate all the input, it is helping as I work through my own ideas.

I guess I should share a little of what I would say. The initial statement would be an opening for questions, comments and clarifications. It has to be an attempt at dialog, not a lecture, if the audience becomes involved they are invested in taking something away with them. With a little luck it will be positive for whoever is doing the presentation.

The first item is we are normal in nearly everything else in our lives, family, activities, occupations, age, race, faith, hobbies etc. etc. We may seem to be uncommon, but we are normal.

The next is what I call "going against tradition" in defining crossdressers. By that, I think that all too often we begin describing who we are by telling people what we are NOT; Not gay, Not wanting to transition, Not a serial killer, Not here for comic relief, Not, not, not and on and on. It's important for our self-identification that we find affirmative ways to describe ourselves rather than fall into the patterns that everyone seems to expect.

Third has to address why what may be the largest component of the Trans* community sees the following stat; According to the Pew Research Center in May of 2013 87% of Americans said they knew someone who was Gay or Lesbian. Estimates from other sources indicate that less than 10% know someone who is Trans*. There are surveys that suggest there are equally as many Trans* people as there are Gays and Lesbians but the Trans* folks are much more likely these days to still be in the closet. So why are we? This is the step where the audience needs to step in and identify all those things that create gender expectations and suggest threats to crossdressers.

I've kind of stopped there for a while. I'm not sure where it's going or who the audience will be, but this is the direction I've gone so far.

[Samantha_Smile]

I'll probably offend someone here, but

If I was to address a room of 200 people or more, mixed genders, political leanings and races and religions (like a TED talk but hopefully with a few racists and bigots thrown in for good measure, I don't want to assume that everyone is well educated and therefore broad minded enough to accept what I'm about to chat about), and I was on stage as a dude...
Then I would probably start with;

1 - The numbers. Its a bit cliche, but throwing the estimated number of crossdressers in the developed world at them, telling them the percentage probability of how many people in the audience are likely to crossdress.
Surprise and unsettle them, get them wondering if the guy on their left is a weekend queen. Then elaborate on this and give them the suicide rates for people with a degree of gender dysphoria or transgender leanings - often caused by...

2 - Intolerance. Give them a life lesson on bigotry and prejudice. Tell them why their judgements of others for how they wish/need to present are wrong. Give them reason to question their beliefs.
Because honestly, the real route of bigotry is often stubborn thinking, writing off other people because they do not fit your own ideals, (usually it's for dumb reasons like not wanting to admit you were wrong - It's okay I understand that).
And then I'd have a pop at the religious types - the ones who hate because they think the bible gives them a ticket to do so. If you believe that a book written by spiteful, hateful men who plagiarised the ancient Egyptians and their deity, Horus, that was scribed, literally centuries ago has any meaning in the age of the internet, then you better not be using electricity, or modern housing and engineering, or your gun (a gentle jab at southern USA :p), your car, clothes, cell phone, computer.... (etc)
Infact, you sir/madam can leave this building, get back on your donkey and leave... It's okay, I'll have your internet devices - You didn't use them properly anyway...
This is not to say religion is wrong, this IS to say using religion as an excuse to be a Ass and cause people emotional pain IS wrong.
Being a Ass is wrong. As an atheist - this is something I can agree with in the bible.


3 - I am both an advocate for equality (across race, religion, (trans)gender, sexuality, nationality, disability, (mental) health, age, wealth... if you are ever wronged because of a judgement made with one aspect of your self, then I am strongly against it) and you should have guessed it already... I'm also a crossdresser. I am also a son, a brother, a husband and a father to be. I am a nurse, a car enthusiast, a gamer and a techie. I am who I am, and that's all there can ever be.
If there IS a God - I was led to believe that he/she/it created us all equally and perfect in his/her/it's own image.
I am the perfect me. Allow me to be.



TLDR - Stats and numbers
- Don't be a Ass
- I CD, you might not, but were all just human.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I would clear up a few stereotypes that I've experienced with me identifying as a Transgender Woman Vs. Crossdresser. There are some minor and I mean minor difference with one being as a Transgender Woman we have the desire to live or are living as woman full time. However when we are out in the world be it CD or TG they don't know the difference and quite frankly they don't care.

For me as a transgender woman I know my beginnings where as a CD and unlike some TG Women I refuse to shun those who just want to dress and have fun. Also I would clear up the CD/TG gay thing! Not every one is GAY! Now again those who transition a few have become heterosexual women who only date or have relationships with men. That confuses people because they can't see the person as their new gender. Then you do have lesbian TG Women who maintain their sexual orientation. However a Transwoman in a relationship with a man is not Gay it would be considered Heterosexual.

So that is how I would deal with the subject.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I know it's slightly off your question but I came out to a female friend in my painting group and the first thing she said was , " Oh your poor family,and poor you !

So her first thoughts were of people suffering ! Possibly because it was outside the family she didn't ask the usual questions of being gay, or wanting to change gender !

So to answer your question I would try and deal with the amount of suffering that may be attributed to Cding and show how much was through lack of knowledge and understanding !
Possibly next that being TS/TG doesn't make you an alien, you can still be a good partner/husband , father and in my case grandfather ! Everyone needs their own space and time, Cding may be odd to some people but still give them the courtesy to let them have that time, otherwise you will alienate them, and possibly lose them !
A contented Cder is a very happy person once they have been able to find their comfort level ! It's better to let them find that level than shut them up in a closeted DADT situation !

To answer the side debate about being a sissy, I've never considered myself to be one, possibly because of the way sexually it's been with my partners ! Yes I admit to owning a maid's dress or two but it feels sexy rather than submissive !

[JayeLefaye]

[QUOTE=Krisi;3730971.... Although I consider myself a crossdresser, I am not an expert on the subject. I can't even explain why I do it....[/QUOTE]

Actually, I think Krisi has come up with the perfect opening line:-) I would follow it with apologizing to everyone who took the time to show up because they were hoping for definitive answers, because there aren't any.

I would then follow MeganMartin's advice, and go "personal", because I can't speak for anyone's Journey other than my own, and frankly, I get easily boggled by statistics.

I suspect, SarahCharles, that you are gonna rock that joint!!! Thanks for having the courage to put yourself up in front of the public like that!

Jaye

[Sarah Doepner]

We've been given a real gift this last week in the Bruce Jenner interview. From my perspective it seems it was not aimed at the Trans* community but at the general population with two things in mind. First would be to build an audience for whatever show follows the rest of the transition, the network wouldn't allow that kind of an investment of production and air time if there wasn't going to be additional returns later. Second would be for the purposes that Jenner wants to achieve, and I do believe that may be to educate and create a new dialog about the transgender experience. I may be wrong, but I can't see Jenner going along with it if those things weren't part of the package, and based on the experience of being involved in the Kardashian shows and the like, it makes sense that it was in the contract going in. However from my point of view, all is not well in the public market of ideas.

Here's my take on the situation and it includes the current media focus on Trans* through the filters of Lavern Cox and Janet Mock and Carmen Carerra and Andreja Pejic, etc. etc. as well. In general, people seem to accept that not every kid who plays basketball is going to end up in the NBA, but they don't understand that not every transgender person is going to transition (and be beautiful). But for some reason, those who don't go all the way are ignored or seen as pretenders, threats, available for ridicule or are living without a sense of committment. It's going to take a while for wider understanding to filter through the population, particularly if the media continues to avert its collective eyes from the majority of us not on the transition path. That may be a good thing in some ways, but it does effect progress. From a crossdresser point of view, the balance in the conversation is still off in favor of those who transition and within that group, save Transparent, those who are pretty once they do transition.

Somehow that needs an important place in the conversation, but can't be the entire focus of a discussion. There is plenty of time before I even have to commit to anything like this. So please, if you have ideas or see major gaps in what needs to be shared let me know, either on this thread or via a PM.

[JayeLefaye]

I only have two more words to throw into the conversation, Sarah: Eddie Izzard:-)

Now there's a role model!!!

Jaye

[Vanessa_V_Ed]

The Genderbread Person: http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/03/the-genderbread-person-v2-0/
Loved the Genderbread

Why doesn't someone completes this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_systems
Someone with good writing skills

[Rhanda]

I wasn't going to respond to this thread but something is missing. I have found that most of the men who are involved here are married men who are very faithful to their partner. I think that this can be understood to the degree that married men who are crossdressers make good husbands.

That's all. Rhanda