Spilling the beans at last...

[RedFourteen]

Recently I've gotten to the point where I'm being crushed by my issues. I've come to accept that I am a cross dresser but dealing with it through life has been difficult at best. This is the first time in 23 years of doing this that I've talked to a large group of people about this...

I was twelve when I started, I can still remember the very first thing I noticed was a classmate's bra strap. I wondered what it felt like to wear girls clothing and soon found my mothers stuff as well as some hand-me-down things from an older cousin given to my sister. It was always sexual for me, I'd get the release and then I'd be right back to doing normal boy stuff. In fact if there had never been any cross dressing my teenage years would have been typical of any male.

As I got older I acquired a small stash of clothing I would use. I dated women and enjoyed being around them but there was always this itch to scratch.... Lingerie and formal wear were always in demand, anything with satin really just did it for me. This went on for years, hiding the shame and almost getting busted a few times.

My family was a disaster, a distant mother addicted to gambling and a policeman father who ruled with an iron fist. My parents spent my sister and I's formative years working or going to school or both. They were rarely around and always chasing after building a big bank account. I was never good enough, only my failures were expounded upon while the good seemed to go unnoticed most of the time. I knew if my father found out what I was that it would be unacceptable and his wrath was nothing to face without good reason.

I had a hard time in my 20's. I've always had a hard time relating to people or getting close to them. My grandfather was the exception, we were cut from the same cloth, but he died before I got out of high school and I still feel the loss today. I was unable to decide on a career path and spent a decade on a sex fueled cross dressing spiral of abuse and depression. Suicide seemed an option at some points, it seemed tougher to live than to end it all but I was scared to do that. It seemed a line right out of the old Sam Cooke song... "I'm scared of livin' but I'm afraid to die.... 'cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky..."

I reconnected with my high school girlfriend 6 years ago at the end of my black time. She was everything I wasn't... smart, caring, and lovable. We soon fell in love again and married. The cross dressing faded to nothing. I wasn't sad to see it go as it had been replaced with something that felt better and had no shame. Our first year was wonderful but soon the cross dressing started to creep back in. I've never carried a secret well and eventually I told her. She took it well but had concerns... what spouse wouldn't I guess.

This new stage of life involved resisting urges and fighting cross dressing with everything I had. It was an exhausting fight, depression returned and I grew angry. I became someone I didn't recognize, someone prone to angry outbursts including throwing stuff or destroying things. It didn't take much to set me off, any old small thing seemed to let loose the fury that had penned up inside me. I found myself saying the most horrible things to my wife also... we both hurt after these episodes, truly a sad affair.

Since I considered myself a Christian we went to Christian counseling. The lady was very helpful but here advice with the cross dressing was to just stop. This I did but the outcome was more anger at everyone including god. I withdrew into myself and stopped going out in public, I hated people and wanted nothing to do with them. Depression sapped my energy and I lost interest in my hobbies.

All the while the urges grew from just wanting to wear the cloths for a sexual release to more practical use. I now wanted to sleep in them or just relax around the house in them. The harder I fought the worse it got. I broke my relationship with god, I wondered how such a loving being could saddle me with this and expect me to give thanks. I was angry because after my parents had divorced I swore that I would not fail at marriage and here I was with such a problem that success seemed unattainable. Suicide once again felt like the only way out...

It was a sunny morning one day when I finally accepted that I was a cross dresser. I could take no more of the mental fight going on in my brain. I gave up and just thought "oh well", its just the way it is. I still spend a lot of time wondering what my purpose is hear on earth. With all these conflicting issues is a tough one to figure out.

Since then some things have improved but some have not. There is still a lot of tension in the house. My wife does not like cross dressing, and I understand that. She has offered to allow some dressing during intimate times but her disdain for cross dressing keeps me for acting out on those impulses. She is actually very good about talking to me about it. She is the one that will usually start a conversation but I have a hard time talking about it. Maybe because I spent two decades keeping it a secret its hard for me to get it out there. I am also a very shy person and very mindful of her feelings, I hate causing her sorrow. Sometimes I feel like she thinks if we just talk about it I don't actually have to do it and that that's an ok substitute. I feel like a criminal in my own house some days.

Its tough dealing with these feelings of envy and jealousy towards women. Frustrating because I feel my time would be better spent elsewhere being more productive. I get extremely sad sometimes because I stop myself from buying clothes that would make me feel good to wear. We're just getting by right now so there isn't any money for this stuff anyway, that helps because I couldn't do it even if I had a green light.

So that's where I'm at, I'd give my time here on the planet a C- so far. It does feel good to get this off my chest, sometimes my back is so sore and tight from the stress of all this it feels like its going to snap. Thanks for listening...

[DanaR]

Hi RedFourteen, welcome to the forum. It's good that you found us, we all have similar experiences and understand.

[pamela7]

Welcome Red14,

Sounds like you've had a tough time of it, a time similar to many folks here. I' sure you will find company and support here.

xxx Pamela

[Sarah Doepner]

Red,

Welcome in. Sit down, take a deep breath and relax for a while. It feels good to share.

As you read through the various threads that have been posted here over the years you will find you have lots in common with many and something in common with many more. You have been fighting a difficult battle on your own and that can take a toll on a person and their loved ones. This isn't going to be the place to visit so you can quit, so don't get that idea. If we are here, we are dealing with crossdressing at some level. Some learning to accept and deal with it, others celebrating all it means to them and a few doing it all.

Keep reading and keep posting, it helps get a handle on something that at times seems impossible to grasp.

remember, breathe. You are among friends here.

[Clodagh]

Hi

I have to say your experiences mirror my own to a certain extent. I'm not sure there is an easy answer. I wish crossdressing was not a part of my life, but it keeps coming back and i cannot resist it. I, like yourself, have the love of a good woman, and that means more to me than anything else including crossdressing.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Red,
Been there, done that, bought the T shirt , purged it, and eventually
bought another!
CDing may seem to bring a lot of undue stresses, but it can relieve just
as much or more. Finding a way to incorporate it into your life, and balance
those stresses is the trick.
Welcome to the forum.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[RedFourteen]

Thanks for the welcome....

Hopefully I can find some sort of balance and regain some quality of life. I've been a lurker here for a while now, reading up on stuff but felt I needed to join and tell my mini epic. I really does feel better that its out now to a bunch of random people... even if it still is in an anonymous sort of way.

I'm not looking for a way to quit, I don't believe there is such a thing... its a part of my core and I can no easier change it than I can my likes or dislikes for anything else. I'm tired of hearing that its a choice. If there was a way to quit I would have found it by now with all the things I tried. Anything but cross dressing just makes me miserable as well as those close to me.

[Rachaelb64]

Hi Red

The first step is always the hardest. However, here you are among a lot of kindred souls. All of us have been/going through what you are going through. I'm wont lie it is not easy self doubt, guilt, depression find us all, but there is light at the end, inner peace, accepting your real self whatever level of CDing that is right for you. Remember here you are among friends who will listen and maybe sometimes some good advice

Rachael :)

[Sarah-RT]

Hey red, I've had some of your experiences, the depression and introvertedness to name a few.

I hope you'll stick around here a while, the support and advice is wonderful, the first step to helping yourself is talking

Sarah

[Dianne S]

Red,

I think you might benefit from a few sessions with a qualified gender therapist. See if you can find a good and affordable one in your area.

[Dana3]

You have found your long lost Tribe ~ Your People, Welcome......................

[mykell]

hi red,
finding this place of full of folks who share these intimate stories always makes me feel normal, hope in time you will too...
as stated previously, been there done that,
you have a loving wife who may benefit from joining with the other accepting wives who gather here,
focus on the things that brought you both together and if by chance the other things fall into place it will be that much better,
forget the guilt and shame of the past, revel in duality and understanding that you can share with your wife,
i think better times are ahead....in my day a C- was average, not a terrible place to be....

[UNDERDRESSER]

Your problems are not with God, but with your religion. Find a better church that doesn't judge. Isn't that in the Bible? "Judge not, lest ye be judged?"

As to the rest of it, if your wife is seriously fixed in her attitude regarding CDing and her religion, don't have any suggestions there. If she has some flexibility, try finding a good counsellor, well versed in gender issues, and go together.

There is nothing wrong with CDing of itself, the only harm comes if it causes issues with others. The only answer there is education, or moving away from those others. Not always an option. The second best answer is finding an accommodation with them, the classic DADT. It has varying degrees of success. In your case it seems that the conditions are too much for you to be satisfied.

The thing about cost of clothing is a 2 pronged assault. You want to wear the stuff, but you've probably got more than you need anyway. Buying something else is a substitute for wearing, but ends up making things worse because of the guilt about family budget. And around the vicious circle goes... At least, this is how it has been for me. A partial solution for me is to haunt the goodwill and thrift stores, I usually have better luck finding workable outfits there anyway. Most of my skirts have been in the $2-$5 range.

I think your best option is to get some good help in talking things out with your wife. No more religion based counsellors.

[SandraB]

Having accepted yourself, being able to communicate with your wife together with the advice and support of this forum is a good foundation to help navigate a way forward and hopefully to a state of peace and happiness. So far I find it has helped me embrace this part of my personality and I'm a much happier person that I was previously.

Welcome to the forum.

[Kandi Robbins]

Try to stay active here, it's a great group of wonderful girls here! You'll learn so much and grow to understand you are not alone. You are going through many of the same things most of the girls here have. The more you learn, the better you will be able to deal with your feelings. The biggest thing for me was the moment I admitted I am a crossdresser and accepted it. Once I did that I was able to love myself after years of self-loathing and it completely changed me. Let's do waht we can to get that C- up to an A.

[Meghan4now]

Red

I feel for you, and I think that even with your challenges you have a lot to be thankful for. As far as God goes, there many of us here with great faith we express in many ways. You need to find your relationship in your own experience. I see many people alienated from their faith because of poor experiences from others in their church. This is a huge shame. Don't let anyone steal your faith or the knowledge that you are worthwhile. Most of the time when this happens is from a personal issue they have and not a mature understanding of their own religion let alone God (him or herself).

Religion is an off topic typically here on the board with good reason to be respectful for different denominations and beliefs. But that doesn't mean that we can't support you in your journey.

[Janine cd]

REd,
I,ve had a similar life. My parents never accepted my desire to crossdress and I spent most of my early adult life trying to deny the desire. When I finally married, I kept the desire secret from my wife. After about eight years of marriage, she discovered me dressed and became very hostile about it. Since that time, she has come to accept my need to dress but still does not approve. ..Keep hoping that your wife will accept you as you are, just as I am praying for every day.

[csprings64]

Welcome Red,

Your story is very similar to mine and a lot of others on this forum. Hang in there and the best of luck to you.

[Nadya]

A lot of the points you touched on (suppressing the feeling for a relationship, family that would't understand, depression as a result of suppressing it, etc) may resonate with several of us. We know how you feel. Have you ever considered talking to a therapist? Just to help with processing the emotions? I've started recently and have found it helps a bit. <3

[Tiffanyselkoe]

Hi Red. I told my wife about 3 years ago and she told me as long as I dont try to hide anything from her or to become another person she wasn't worried about what I wear. Communication and self acceptance is important in your happiness. I wish you and your wife the best of luck as your story is very similar to mine up until I fessed up. Be there for each other and consider her needs as well as your own. There is a balance where you can both be happy I think. Warmest regards, Tiffany

[SharonDenise]

Sorry to hear that you are having problems with your wife in regards to cross dressing. As stated in previous posts, I'm so fortunate to have had a wife that accepted and supported my cross dressing. I came out to her while we were still dating. In response, she gave my her pink baby doll pajamas and I knew I could never find another. She entered heaven last year after 40 years of marriage. I hope to eventually find a companion to fill the void that I now feel. I know that I will have to come out to her like I did my wife and hope that she reacts the same way.

[Angie G]

We are all in a place where we may need to talk to someone. there are a lot of people At this site who may help you feel better, Your not alone Red.:hugs:
Angie

[Beverley Sims]

It is good venting and telling your story here, read others replies and then ask questions and discuss issues further.

You will find it good therapy.

I also welcome you to the forum.

[Alice Torn]

Red, Your story sounds very similar to mine, except, i am 60, never got a chance to marry, period. The religious torment, of being in one, that i agree with, except ti forbids crossdressing, amd only accepts heterosexual marriage, and almost everyone in it, is married, and i am a cd loner, who must be secret. Low income here, family of origin would skewer me if they knew. Feel suicidal often. I know many here have not had these issues as strongly, and are very joyful, but some of us, every day is a severe stressful battle . i feel your pain. I go to a VA woman therapist, and she totally disagree with my religion. I am torn, so, my name, Alice Torn. Good therapists can be very expensive, and us low incomers cannot afford them. We have to go to either VA if veterans, or a sliding scale one. It sure can seem like you are all alone at times, with this thing. But you can check in here.

[RedFourteen]

It is interesting to see the number of posters here, I never would have guess there were so many.

I took a psychology class in college and it peaked my interest in the human brain. While I would not have chosen this path it is interesting to wonder what is going on in my brain and how I got to be this way. Was it something I saw or did as a kid? Family issues?

I still have no real relationship with my mother, was it all the years of neglect on her part? Maybe I'm trying to make up for the lack of that relationship... maybe not. At any rate I spent few years trying to figure out the why and never got anywhere so I gave up seriously trying to figure it out and just ponder it now and then.

We're in a tight financial situation for the foreseeable future so there's no extra for more therapists right now.

It was a shock for my wife to see me posting here (she has read this thread, I'm not sneaking around). She said it made it real for her and was tough on here but she has really been communicating even more. I still find it hard to talk about... twenty years of hiding things is tough to put aside but the new level of communication is a positive.

[TinaZ]

Welcome, Red. A couple quick notes - I predict your anxiety level will drop dramatically if you totally let go of "Why am I like this?" Accept with all you have that you ARE transgender. Part of you identifies strongly female. Period. So, then what? Continue hating part of yourself, or learn to love ALL of yourself. Those become the options, and the best path should be obvious!

P.S. I'll betcha a thousand bucks your old man enjoyed silky things, too.

[MsVal]

Yes, I too went from wondering what was going on in my head, to finding out, and then to being scared of what I found. A lot of us here have experience with those incredibly awful feelings. They are real, they are powerful, they must not be taken lightly. I've read and heard from several sources that the suicide attempt rate among transgendered people is 41%. That's simply awful.

Some (many) of us have gone through the discovery, learning, and accepting process, and have begun to have wonderful, if a little unusual life. It's one of our characteristics, like a dominant hand, or eye color. When you get to that point where you become comfortable with it, life could be better than it has ever been before.

Of all the very important things that many have said, I agree that a qualified gender therapist is very, very helpful. My therapist is the person with whom I can talk freely about my feelings, and never feel marginalized or stigmatized. She asks tough questions that force me to consider my motivations, fears, anxieties, and even joys. She has guided me to a better understanding of myself, and better acceptance. I cried through my first session, and laughed at my most recent one.

Getting that kind of good help is really important, but so is providing for your family. So what's a gal to do?

This forum is not a substitute for having a good therapist, but a great substitute for having no therapist at all. Unless and until you can find a way to get a good therapist, keep in touch here. Let us know what's going on and we'll try to give sound advice. (caveat: Free advice may not be worth what you pay for it.)

Remember too that while we all have had similar experiences, your specific situation is unique. Don't fall in line with the group-think, believing that since so many others do something, it must be right for you.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Sarah Doepner]

It was a shock for my wife to see me posting here (she has read this thread, I'm not sneaking around). She said it made it real for her and was tough on here but she has really been communicating even more. I still find it hard to talk about... twenty years of hiding things is tough to put aside but the new level of communication is a positive.

It's always difficult to explain that one of the reasons this was kept from your wife was the belief she already had too much to deal with and you didn't want to put more in her lap. It's natural response given the way we are raised to be self-sufficient and problem solvers. "I don't need no help, I'm a man!" It also denies the power of love and trust in a long relationship, but that's so hard to see when you are still trying to keep something like this to yourself. Good luck to both of you and keep talking, that part can get easier and become more productive as you work through your assumptions and feelings.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Red, welcome to the forum.

I read your story with great interest. Thank you for sharing it and for allowing us into your world.

I can relate to some of your issues- anger management has always been a problem for me, and I did find that embracing my feminine side eased that considerably. My situation with my wife is similar- she's ok with the CDing in theory, but somehow I still don't feel comfortable dressing in front of her and have never done so, not more than occasionally panties or a bit of lingerie. It saddens me not to be able to share with her something so important and pleasurable to me, bt for now that's just the way it is.

You seem kind of harsh on yourself. You've devoted an awful lot of energy to putting yourself down, haven't you? Indeed we are our own worst enemies. It's good that you've accepted your cross-dressing side, and good that you've found this forum. Further self-acceptance is your best hope for happiness, as it is for all people.

Allowing your feminine side to breathe the air is healthy, constructive, vital. Never mind what society thinks- they're wrong about almost everything anyway. Most people spend their lives trying to blend in, trying to please others, trying to avoid disapproving looks. We're taught that life is a job, serious work, and we'd darn well better behave, save money and not wear shocking pink unless we're a 6 year-old girl or a hooker.

At least on this forum you will not be mocked, scolded or rejected regardless of what you choose to wear. You are free to be anything you like here- within some reasonable guidelines- and if you look at the images in the picture gallery you will see that many of us cheerfully push the limits of fashion on a regular basis.

You have a rest-of-your-life menu in front of you. What are you going to choose?

Hugs and a very large slice of gooey chocolate cake, with cream,

Nikki

[RedFourteen]

You seem kind of harsh on yourself. You've devoted an awful lot of energy to putting yourself down, haven't you? Indeed we are our own worst enemies.



I've always been a perfectionist in everything I do, add to that a healthy dose of OCD and its been a rough time. I've been on some medication for the last year that has helped with the OCD and I'm learning to leave things a little un-perfect to take the edge off the perfectionism, lol!

You should have seen me last year if you think I'm being hard on myself now!

[Alice Torn]

Red, same here, super hard on myself. Super hard obedience based religion which condemns crossdressing , super harsh older twin brothers. Way to hard on myself to even try to date. Love/ hate/guilt/shame relationship with my dressing.

[Flowergirl]

Red,

We share a lot of similarities in our lives. I wasted many years of my life fighting the urges, and feeling the disconnect between my desires, my faith, and my family. I was raised in a very strict, conservative home. Crossdressing was not something that was okay, but I kept it hidden until my thirties. When I was very young, I didn't know it was "wrong", but I still kept it hidden from my parents. When I was maybe 10, we had an evangelist come to our church who "preached" on a number of issues...rock music, Halloween, etc. Let's just say that it ended any hope of my parents accepting me especially when I was no longer allowed to trick or treat or even carve pumpkins. After that I felt the shame and guilt of my hobby, but couldn't stop it. Throughout my life, I have had relationship issues, but the one thing that has kept me going is my faith in God. Don't loose that! It is the one thing in your life that no one can take away from you. You can turn away from it, but nobody can take it from you. Ask God why He made you this way, you may get an answer, you may not. It might come immediately, it might come 30 years from now. About 10 years ago, I was going through a really tough time with a friend who had turned on me. I was in a band at my church, and it was the band's leader. I cried out to God, asking Him why? I'm not going to say it was an audible answer, but it was as clear to me as if it had been...the answer was because I had been bitter and holding grudges with several people in my life. Although my friend and I never reconciled, I reconciled with about 10 people from my past. I'm sorry for the long tangent, but this is how it relates to my crossdressing. My whole life I didn't understand why I was a crossdresser and what purpose it could possibly have in my life. Then, a couple of years back, my wife learned that her father was a crossdresser. Although it still bothered her when she found out, I know that being exposed to my hobby softened the shock for her. More importantly, it helped me offer my support to my father in law, although I was not in a position to "out" myself, it allowed me to understand both sides of the situation. In the end, God used me and my crossdressing to help save their marriage, and I found out that my dressing DOES HAVE A PURPOSE.

One last comment. It is the tough times in life that build you up. If you get a chance do a search for a song from Matthew West called "Strong Enough".

Sorry if this post is too religious for some, it is not meant to offend, but to help.

Miranda