Came out to my wife just now, no big deal yet!

[jamielynn_ca]

Scariest thing I've ever done, but I'm officially now in a DADT relationship. Yay (I think!)!

She said she didn't think it was really a big deal, and told me I could wear her underwear if I wanted even though I didn't ask. I told her I had my own <grin>. I told her I've newly accepted myself, spent some time exploring it to so I knew a little more about where I was on the trans spectrum before talking to her about it. That I don't *understand* it, so I didn't expect her to, but I could at least *describe* it and what I feel, not necessarily why.

I told her that I wanted to be open for a few important reasons:
1. I wanted to make sure she knew I wasn't cheating on her in case she found some women's clothes, and that I wanted to be 100% truthful in our relationship. Now that I understand this is a part of me and always will be, it was time to disclose.
2. I was beginning to consider taking unnecessary risks. I've had urges to go out here (no longer traveling to San Diego for work), and didn't want to be changing into a dress in the middle of a parking lot somewhere, so I wanted to be open for safety.

She asked her first set of questions, seems like the common ones. Are you gay? Is this about me? No and no it's not. And plenty others. No tears (either of us, I'm more surprised about ME not breaking down). No throwing things, it's something she can live with but doesn't want to participate in.

I left her an article from trans-health that really rang home and true for me, and let her know it wasn't 100% me but that much of it really rang true to me. I asked her if she'd like to read it, she said ok, and I asked her not to make assumptions but ask me questions. Talked about a support group I want to go to, some of the normal and super cool friends I've met out dressed, and she encouraged me to join the group.

And that was that! So far so good, and a big burden off my shoulders. Now I wait to see what's next...

[Lisa-N]

Not much else to say but good going getting it out and wishing you tons of luck in your journey

[csprings64]

Wow! I wish my experience with my wife went that smoothly. Good luck.

[alwayshave]

Jamielynn, good for you no longer hiding a part of your self from your wife. The only issue I see see is your wife offering to let you wear her underwear may mean she thinks its a fetish thing.

[Nadya]

Yay! Congratulations! It must feel good to get that off your chest. :)

[Jenniferathome]

Good on you JamieLynn. It's not over for sure but open and honest will win out. Invite her here if she wants to do any kind of a deep dive. If left to her own searches, she may fuse some really scary sites.

[Candee]

That's great Jamielynn! It is one of the scariest things we have to do, but oh my gosh what a relief it is especially when they reacted like it's not a big deal. Keep us posted on how things are progressing.

[kimdl93]

Sounds alike a mature and rational discussion. I would hope that you can continue to talk so that your relationship doesn't really revert to a DADT situation, now that the matter has been brought out into the open.

[Rachael Leigh]

Jamielynn sounds great, hope it all continues to go well.

[Amy R Lynn]

That is a huge step for you! Good for you for being honest! I would think that shows her how committed you are to being open and honest. Just be sure to give her space and let her come to you with questions. It doesn't sound like you are pressuring her into accepting this at all. I have a feeling that after some time she will come around and be more comfortable with it.

Getting into a support group is the best way to get out there and meet other CD's around you. The bar works, but is usually for the wrong reasons. Support groups will allow you to just talk openly about the issues that we all face, and give you tips on how to improve your look. It also helps a lot with not feeling so alone with all of this.

It really sounds like you have a great grip on this. Congrats! remember to take your time and don't go sky diving into the pink fog.

[Danitgirl1]

Congratulations. This is a very big and brave step you have taken.
With honesty, communication and the mutual will, this will not become a big deal in your relationship.
In fact it may strengthen your relationship.
Hope it all goes well in the future.
:hugs:

[Curiosity666]

Congratulations :) I can only hope that when I tell my SO that it goes as smoothly. I wish you all the best with your relationship from here on out

[Marcelle]

Hi Jamielynn,

Congrats on taking a step forward in your journey. Well, the cat is out of the bag now and it does seem while you are in a DADT relationship, your wife seems open to some discussion. The first step is always the hardest but I would warn about complacency of just letting it lie there now that you have had the reveal. I get that your wife my not want to talk anymore about it, but you would be wise to try and keep the dialogue open just to avoid confusion on both your parts. This is especially important if either of you have a bad day (nothing to do with CDing) but the other thinks it might be that. The other thing, don't make promises you know you can't keep. If your goal is to go out in public and your wife does not want you to, you need to be honest and let her know this is something you need to do because if you do it and she finds out . . . it will most likely not go well.

Take your time, find the boundaries both of you can live with and I am sure you will well on your way to living your life the way you need to and sharing it (on some level) with the support of your wife.

Hugs

Isha

[Krisi]

That doesn't really sound like DADT but maybe you've left something out. You might be able to bring her along to the point where she will accept you dressing around her once in a while. Just take it slowly. And make sure she knows how much you appreciate her acceptance.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Count your blessings. You don't know how blessed you are to have an understanding wife.

[Pat]

Congratulations! A burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. Keep in mind that you had a secret that you shared and now she has a secret that she might share with a friend. Don't be shocked if that happens. (I've seen many threads where people are.) I haven't lived in DADT but my observation is that it's best if you can keep it at the surface -- gentle joking, saying that some outfit you see is one you'd like to wear, ask if the lipstick color on the TV ad would work for you, etc. If she joins in, it's a better indication of acceptance than just saying so.

This is the situation where I wish we had good role models for couples where one crossdresses.

Good luck!

[DonnaP]

I guess Congrats are in order. I feel great for you and wish I had the nerve to it. Maybe you can show me how. but either way I hope all continues on the Beautiful path you have chosen.

[Ivy]

It is great that she is understanding. That must be a great weight lifted off your shoulders.

[Angie G]

Good for you Jamielynn. Just don't push for what next, Keep things nice and slow. You have a good jump on it now girl.:hugs:
Angie

[Teresa]

Jamielynn,
That's the hardest part, well done ! You've told her how you'd liked to be about it, now let it sink, let her think about it and see what she offers you !
You don't mention if she's seen you dressed or how she feels about it ! I guess you'll have to take it steady and don't push too hard, also try and make as much sense of it yourself so you can offer some answers to her !

[Nadine Spirit]

Good for you Jamie. Congratulations on doing a super scary thing!



... I'm officially now in a DADT relationship.

Though it does not sound quite like the DADT relationships I have heard of. Normally when people reference that they mean that after coming out to their SO, the SO tells them they don't ever want to know anything about it and they don't ever want you to tell them about it again. Are we missing some part of your story?

To me, it sounds as though your wife now knows and you are waiting for either her or your next step. Is that the case?

[Beverley Sims]

Jamie,
Now play it down, don't push the issue and answer all questions truthfully and without embellishment.

Good luck. :)

[RADER]

Yes, GO SLOW!!!! and do not push the pink fog real hard.
I hope it all works out for you.
Rader

[MsVal]

Now I wait to see what's next...

What's next, or what ought to be next is exactly nothing...

This is an amazing time in your life and your relationship. Many would simply melt at the opportunity to be in such a great relationship. I urge you to avoid moving quickly. Instead, move forward at a very slow walk. Take the time to learn, to share, to explore together this part of you. A person can travel the highway and get somewhere quickly, but never see the beauty of the wildflowers along the way.

Best wishes
MsVal

[daviolin]

Sounds like you got off super good with your wife. My biggest words of advise is, don't push the envelop. Learn to read your wife's moods and feelings. Because sometimes it can back fire on you. So always keep your guard up. And be the loving husband she married. Daviolin

[jamielynn_ca]

Hi friends - a quick update 2 weeks later. And many thanks for both the advice and support.


Good for you Jamie. Congratulations on doing a super scary thing! ... Though it does not sound quite like the DADT relationships I have heard of. ... Are we missing some part of your story?


You're right Nadine, and as other folks have pointed out, it's not really DADT. Not missing much, just a misunderstanding on my part in terminology. The real outcome is "I don't want to see it, I don't want to participate. But let's communicate." I haven't really asked for participation, just some acceptance, but of course I would love to have my best friend also sometimes be willing to go out with me. Maybe with time that will come.


Jamielynn,
That's the hardest part, well done ! ... You don't mention if she's seen you dressed or how she feels about it !

See above... not interested in seeing me dressed. :)


Good for you Jamielynn. Just don't push for what next, Keep things nice and slow. You have a good jump on it now girl.:hugs:
Angie

I'm definitely trying to go slow, but suddenly she's seeing things she hadn't noticed. Like my eyebrows, or trimmed arm hair, clear toenail polish, etc., which I have been doing for a while but now it's in focus.

Ivy and Jennie say:

It is great that she is understanding. That must be a great weight lifted off your shoulders.

It is for sure. What really sucks is I feel soooo much better, but now she's sharing the burden, maybe carrying the bulk of that weight. I've had 4 or 5 months to process this, she's had 2 weeks. And holding up I think, but I feel horrible that SHE has to deal with this.


Congratulations! ... my observation is that it's best if you can keep it at the surface -- gentle joking... if she joins in, it's a better indication of acceptance than just saying so.

This really seems to be a bright point - she jokes to ME daily. Sure sometimes it's just by calling me a weirdo, but it really has been at least some daily acknowledgement, and almost every day either a light discussion or occasionally a deep question. Short sessions, spread out between daily life and dealing with kids, work, school, car repairs, etc. But I'm hopeful that she will eventually accept this part of me, because it ISN'T DADT.


Hi Jamielynn,

Congrats on taking a step forward in your journey. Well, the cat is out of the bag now and it does seem while you are in a DADT relationship, your wife seems open to some discussion. ... you would be wise to try and keep the dialogue open just to avoid confusion on both your parts.

Hugs
Isha

This is what I hope for and it seems like it's not really DADT - communication is daily now for the last two weeks (even a little email while I was away for a bit), at some level. Isha, you're always spot on, and hugs back to you!



That is a huge step for you! Good for you for being honest! ... Getting into a support group is the best way to get out there and meet other CD's around you. ... Support groups will allow you to just talk openly about the issues that we all face

The great part is she's interested in going to the next Tri-Ess support group to meet other wives. Again, cautiously optimistic of some acceptance.


That's great Jamielynn! It is one of the scariest things we have to do, but oh my gosh what a relief it is especially when they reacted like it's not a big deal. Keep us posted on how things are progressing.

I'd like to restate what I said after a few weeks of discussion - I think maybe acting like it's not a big deal at first is a coping mechanism. Rationalization, etc. The truth is it IS a big deal, but dealing with it with an open mind is key.


Good on you JamieLynn. It's not over for sure but open and honest will win out. Invite her here if she wants to do any kind of a deep dive. If left to her own searches, she may fuse some really scary sites.

I know, I'm nervous about that "wives" site - but I'm equally nervous about sharing our little private corner of the world. Have I been too open here? I'm not ashamed of anything I've written, but if this isn't one of my places rather than "our" place, can I always be open and ask questions without them being possibly misinterpreted before I have the opportunity to process them myself?

Thanks again everyone. I hope I haven't made this look easy or look like I'm gloating. This is really really really hard. It looks like it's going to be OK. I think the signs are there that acceptance is possible. I remain cautiously optimistic, hoping for the best outcome. But if you're on the fence about sharing with your wife or SO, I'd say only do it when you know you're ready or you have to. It has NOT been a cake walk. This is real life, playing for all the money on the table, betting your relationship. And who knows what the next 1, 5 or even 10 years bring. Maybe I'll look back on this with regret, or just maybe, it will have made our relationship that much deeper, real and sustaining. I can only hope.

[Alice B]

Well done. My wife has accepted for years, but does not want to particapate in any way. But, I'm totally free to dress and go out, includong a week at DLV

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Thanks for sharing your story. I get how hard it is, and for someone who's beens struggling to find the courage to do what you just did, your story is incredibly inspiring. Cheers to you!

[JennyTV]

Hi friends - a quick update 2 weeks later.

Thanks again everyone. I hope I haven't made this look easy or look like I'm gloating. This is really really really hard. It looks like it's going to be OK. I think the signs are there that acceptance is possible. I remain cautiously optimistic, hoping for the best outcome. But if you're on the fence about sharing with your wife or SO, I'd say only do it when you know you're ready or you have to. It has NOT been a cake walk. This is real life, playing for all the money on the table, betting your relationship. And who knows what the next 1, 5 or even 10 years bring. Maybe I'll look back on this with regret, or just maybe, it will have made our relationship that much deeper, real and sustaining. I can only hope.

Trust me, nobody here thinks there is anything easy about what's going on in your life right now. You've put your entire life on the line and the world hasn't come crashing down around you. Nothing gloating about it, it's the undescribable relief of making it through something very important. Go someplace private and do your happy dance. You've earned it, and she probably wouldn't understand it right now. Then come back and be the wonderful, loving and understanding husband that she married in the first place and help her move forward through all of this. Keep communicating!

Congrats!

Jen

[DanaR]

Be honest with her and if you encounter any situations that might be unpleasant for her try to be understanding of her feelings. I'll relate a situation that my wife had after I had joined the Seattle support group. They were having their annual Christmas party and I had heard that a lot of wives attended. While we were there, one of the wives told us her story about how her SO had transitioned and was leaving her; which was so sad. We talked about this after the party for several days. I couldn't imagine doing anything like that to my wife and kids. The most positive things about my SO going to the party was a few days later she came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me she felt better about all of this after going.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jamie Lynn, The ball is in her court now just don't overwhelm her with this as it could blow up in your face.:daydreaming:

[Kristy 56]

Congratulations,I'm glad that it's working well so far. Now as others have said,take your time with a little at a time and don't push the envelope. Happy for you.