What am I?

[ilianar17]

(read after the story if you're not interested in reading it)
This is my story:

I'm 18 years old. From as far as I can remember, I've always had certain feelings about myself.
A sense of not belonging. But it wasn't big. You could say it is just a teeny tiny hole in my spectrum of thoughts and it never bothered me or got me thinking and generally influence my way of life. I never thought it was possible for a man to become a woman. Society here has some very primitive beliefs so I never got the chance to learn or even think about that.

Until I was fourteen.

I was presented with the power of the internet. I'm not going to lie right now. I was exploring the more NSFW corners of the internet (those teen male hormones though!) and I stumbled upon transsexuals. I was immediately attached to that category, but it wasn't long until I said "Hey, how's it possible?". So I started looking into it. A LOT. I was seeking for a lot of answers on the net and I learned a ton of stuff about how I can become a girl. All those things I learned remain to this day, a simple theory of what's possible. Then I turned 15.

This kept going. I easily found myself extremely interested, rather than simply aroused with what I saw. The idea started to grow in me over time. I wanted to BE a woman more and more! There were ups and downs though. For three years, there were time periods where I would leave my hair grow long, I shaved my body entirely and I was wearing tighter clothes. There were also time periods where I would just leave it and try to avoid it, so I was hitting the gym, buzz-cutting my hair, loose clothes etc so I could feel welcomed and nice.

Another thing I discovered from age 15 and onwards was crossdressing. I was waiting for an empty house just to put on my mother's clothes and stare at myself in the mirror. I wasn't really giving all I had on crossdressing. It was more of a kink at first.

Then 2015 came - a lot of things changed.

I got to fully dress up as a woman (clothes & makeup) twice, the first time being out in public at a costume party with a ton of people I knew well and the second at my house by myself. Being outside felt A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Simply one of the best feelings I've EVER had. I was dressed extremely well and almost nobody noticed me at first glance. I still remember it as one of the best nights of my life. The second time it was just a spontaneous need, to do it again.

I'm sure I'll keep doing it again and again. But I know one day this won't be enough.

So,
those past 4-5 years have really changed me. I remember being at the club with some of my friends and I caught myself staring at a VERY presentable girl. I wanted to get involved romantically and at the same time BE HER. This is what is bugging the heck out of me! I'm SERIOUSLY confused!

I'd very much prefer to enter a club as a woman, catching everyone's stare, not just as another dude.
I'd very much prefer to take good care of my body and wear female clothes.
I'd very much prefer to enter the gym, not to hit the weights, but to run, do stretching exercises and work on my curves.
I'd very much prefer to be known to everyone as a woman and be treated as such.

..but at the same time love like crazy my girlfriend.

I get the feeling that these two "states of being" can't coexist. I have to eliminate one and keep it other. Is it not like this? help me..

[Frances]

A person

[Megan G]

No one on here can tell you "what you are" except for as Frances said a person (where is the like button BTW...lol )

That must come from deep down within yourself. Best advice is to seek out a qualified gender therapist and explore yourself. Allow this person to help guide you to answer that same question (What am I ) yourself.

Megan

[Jorja]

Well lets see, 2 legs not 4, no tail (or much of one), walks upright (most of the time), house broke, eats off of a plate with fork and spoon (when others are watching). You might be one of those things called a Homo sapien. Further investigation is required to be sure but that is my guess.

[Persephone]

Hi Ilianar,

It does take a while to discover who you are. That's why the ancient Greek philosophers said "Know Yourself"


I get the feeling that these two "states of being" can't coexist. I have to eliminate one and keep it other. Is it not like this? help me..

Truthfully, that may depend upon the relationship between you and your girlfriend. Some will be able to accept you for who you really are, others will not be able to. But if you feel that you are a crossdresser/transgendered you will have to tell her before things get too serious. If she can accept you then you will have a wonderful journey together.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[CONSUELO]

If at all possible try to find a good therapist and talk about all of these feelings with her/him. Don't think that you can just repress these very strong feelings and everything will turn out fine. Also spend time reading old posts on this site by those who have struggled with the same issue as yourself. I believe you will find some help there.

By the way, I assume that as you live in Greece that Greek is your first language. If that is the case your command of English is excellent. Congratulations!

[Angela Campbell]

Just wondering why the two states cannot coexist?

[sarahcsc]

Ilianar,

Part of what makes being you so terrifying is exactly because of a lack of an external yardstick to measure yourself against. In other words, you probably haven't come across enough people like you in real life to help you feel normal. It is a basic human need to feel a sense of belonging which is why so many of us are terrified to open up to others for fear of being ostracized.

The way you identify or define yourself has potentially serious implications and consequences. But that is not to say that one can postpone this process of self-definition, in fact, people around your age struggle with identity and finding a place to belong to.

You are not doing anything wrong, Ilianar. :)

And yes, those two states can co-exist. You exist, therefore you are the best evidence that the states co-exists.

I don't envy you being 18 because I understand teenagers go through a whirlwind storm of emotions and internal conflicts from time to time.

But if it is of any consolation, you are not alone, and you can always come here to rant.

Keep exploring your identity and sexuality, and don't be so caught up with the answers but just enjoy the journey. :)

So who are you? it is okay to say "I don't know".

Love,
Sarah

[Rachelakld]

Sorry, two "states of being" can and do exist.
Unfortunately they are like yin and yang, eliminate one, the other dies, so best to find balance.

I love my wife, she also buys pretty clothes, perfume, make up etc, for both of us to share

[Karolyn]

You said "these two "states of being" can't coexist", but why? Gender identity and sexual orientation are two independent notions. You can like girls and feel like you are a girl, that is my case for example. One of my TG friends was a guy in love with a girl, but when she transitioned, her girlfriend became lesbian as a consequence. They are still together, as love is stronger than society's stereotypes, and they are now engaged.

I am myself a lesbian T-girl, but it took me two decades to realize it. I did not know the notion of gender identity, and even if I felt like a girl trapped in a guy's body since forever, the fact of being attracted to girls made me very confused. It was like a confirmation I was an actual guy. But that was my mistake. And now that I am full-time and that I have started HRT, I have this inexplicable attraction to girls, which is even stronger than before.

Conclusion: just do what feels right, and don't wait, you will just regret it later. Make sure your girlfriend would be OK with everything first, it might still be a very difficult situation for her. Also, you are young, and very lucky to have had Internet to help you a lot with finding the right information. I was more than 30 when I got all the information I needed to understand my own situation. You haven't started your 20's yet, enjoy them the best you can, the way you want, as most of us on this forum would dream to have your age :daydreaming:

[kimdl93]

There is absolutely no reason that these feelings cannot coexist. Think about almost any aspect of your life. Few things are simple either or choices, few preferences as simple as column A or column B.

Or to put it another way, society and upbringing may have left you with the mistaken belief that you must be one or the other. Rid yourself of that falls belief and you'll be free to enjoy all that life offers you.

[Sammy777]

There is nothing wrong with being a girl and liking other girls.
There is even a word for it, believe it or not! "Lesbians" yes it's true look it up :D

What are you? Cliche' answer = Only you will be able to answer that for yourself.

But, after reading your posts, you seem to be leaning a bit towards the TS end of the spectrum.

[PaulaQ]

There is nothing wrong with being a girl and liking other girls.
There is even a word for it, believe it or not! "Lesbians" yes it's true look it up!

Indeed, this is an extremely common outcome for a trans woman. Most of the trans women I know are lesbian, or bisexual.

Unfortunately, you are really the only person who can answer what your gender identity is.

It would be nice to get a diagnosis from a professional. You may not get that - at least not until you've answered enough questions that you already know the answer. I'd still talk to a gender therapist anyway.

Who do you think you are:
- a man?
- a woman?
- neither?
- something in between?

Does your girlfriend know about your concerns about your gender and your cross dressing? Those things are significant issues for many women.

[rosetyler]

What are you? That's an easy one. Awesome. :)


I get the feeling that these two "states of being" can't coexist.Why not? Gender identity and sexual orientation, as someone else has pointed out, are different things. I second (or third) the idea of talking with a counselor who specializes in gender identity. Also consider beginning discussions about this with your girlfriend.