The reveal, why do we want to do it?

[Danitgirl1]

I have seen quite a few posts here over the last few weeks that have coincided with my own thoughts recently.
They have all been along the lines of 'should I tell my child/sibling/friend/colleague' or 'I came out to my wife/child/friend' etc.
I too have been thinking along these lines lately (almost a year after telling my wife.
This got me interested in the WHY of this process.
Why do we want to expose ourselves in this way?
I started writing a post here, but soon realised my thoughts were fare too involved for a simple forum post or comment on another thread, so I wrote an article for my blog: https://daniellaargento.wordpress.com/2015/04/17/some-thoughts-on-the-reveal/
Which you can read if you want to bore yourself for longer than I already have.
In short I think we want to be honest with those we care about but forget that our honesty places an unasked for and unwarranted burden on those we love. We need to reconcile these tensions. How do we live with integrity and not harm those we love?
Tricky...
I certainly have many more questions than answers.
:argue::blah::confused2:

[Marcelle]

Hi Dani,

IMHO I don't believe this is an "all in" or "all out" issue. Specifically, when faced with the fact we are TG/CD it will depend on the person and how they view that part of them in relation to the world. For many, CDing though integral to themselves, is still a very private matter. This need for privacy may be caused by fear, shame, guilt or it could simply be they are quite satisfied with doing their thing in private as it makes them feel good and so can insulate it from the rest of their lives. For those who decide to come out to an SO, family, friends or whoever . . . I truly believe they have reached a point where the CDing is integral to who they are and they now have a need to express that beyond privacy. This may not include going out and could merely be telling one's SO in order to obtain a sense of freedom and joy they now need to grow. Or it could be coming out to many and going out in public because that is what is needed to feel good. It is very akin to what Paula was talking about when she said "being authentic to oneself".

In my own case, I have need to express this part of me externally to the world and with luck that will include my work place in a few months at least once a week. Isha is part of who I am and she needs face time with the world as much as my boy side does. So there is no "not telling" people for me . . . it has to be done in order to continue to grow. But that is me and that might not necessarily be a requirement for others. In the end, there is no right or wrong way to proceed in telling or "not telling" others (including your SO). Each person has to be introspective enough to understand the ramifications of both actions and what that means to them in their own journey.

Hugs

Isha

[alwayshave]

Dani, I will agree with Isha, its not an all in or all out dichotomy. My fiancee knows I dress and she is the only person who is close to me that knows. I have no need to tell my kids, my aged parents etc... I get to go out with my fiancee semi regularly dressed, we have a great time, I love being dressed, but that's where it ends.

[Kate Simmons]

I always wanted to do it to validate who I was (my whole self) as a person. :)

[Sarah-RT]

I'm almost 25 years of age and occasionally have to lock my bedroom door so as not to be intruded upon and suffer going through explaining the shock discovery.

At times I feel it would be so easy to tell necessary people such as my family so I can live in peace from hiding or walk in with shopping and not have to make up excuses

But then I also think it's easier to keep the illusion, lock the door and sneak in shopping because I don't want my male part of me to suffer for the sake of a bit of Liberty.

There is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing between how I feel on it.
The friends I've told who I hang out with, dressed occassionaly I have no regrets telling, they are supportive and help me feel at ease and normal but the notion that not everyone will respond that way mixed with even if they are they will treat or look at me differently puts me off telling them, the comfort and "normality" I feel when dressing makes me want to tell them so it's a bit of a vicious cycle.

[Lily Catherine]

Hiding seems a sign of lack of integrity to many, even if it's accepted as an inevitability. Corollary to that, transparency is yet another idol on the modern interpersonal altar. The word 'hide' already carries enough negative connotations right now; secretiveness is reasonable cause for suspicion. The fear of rejection, incidentally, is seen as something to be overcome and silenced; the desire to do so might be a driving factor. To come out = to conquer said fear and laugh it in the face, at least in a very superficial sense akin to "stepping into the light" (one of the phrases I'm peeved at).

I'd also agree that authenticity is an important consideration; hiding a part of oneself (as many of us consider our CDing) runs against that. There is no intimacy (emotional, rather than strictly romantic) without vulnerability – openness about even the darkest corners to one's SO, etc.. If this is whom we believe we are, then it comes across as imperative to be open and explicit about it, I guess.

The reveal is a leap of faith, an expression of a longing to live (and dress) as we are. But only the individual actually knows whether, given their environmental conditions, it is worthwhile to do so. Like what Daniela has stated –*we proceed with caution not because we fear rejection on the part of those we love, but because we want to remain accepted by them.

When I came out / got outed to a not quite chosen few friends and family, there were quite a few different reactions. As selfish and self-interested as it might seem, I definitely got a sense of relief from these explosions of sorts despite almost being in tears on some occasions. I'm still questioning what it means to be authentic and true to whom it may concern, however – I'm looking for what I'm conforming to in place of 'the norms'. (I could ramble like crazy on this, but no.) Even now, the question that looms isn't whether I want to tell anyone. It's "At what expense?".

I'm unhappy with my current state of hiding, but I want to take it very slowly and avoid unnecessary and pointless repercussions along the way.

[bridget thronton]

For me - including my wife (my life partner) was necessary because honesty if important to me

[Taylor186]

I am out to my wife but I feel no need or desire to out myself to anyone else.

[Nadine Spirit]

In short I think we want to be honest with those we care about but forget that our honesty places an unasked for and unwarranted burden on those we love. We need to reconcile these tensions.

I have heard of this whole tension thing, but honestly I have not taken it into consideration. I have told many people in my life within the last year or so and I decided that I personally really did not care who they chose to tell. That is probably why I decided that I was okay with telling them.

Before that though, I had told my wife from the very beginning. Well I suppose that is difficult to ascertain as I have been cross dressing or doing some sort of cross gender expression for my entire life. But when it came to things like trying on female underwear or a bra, I asked her what she thought first and then I did it. It never occurred to me before I asked my wife to try on her bra that I would be placing her in an uncomfortable position because she would then be aware of my secret! At that point there was no secret!

As I have said here before, apparently I have just gone about this whole cross dressing thing entirely wrong!

Also, as far as secrets and burdens go, people in relationships often have many secrets they keep from the world, but not each other. If your wife indicates to you that she likes to do something "in bed" that others might consider a little bit kinky, is it a terrible burden that you then have to endure because you can't go tell anyone and everyone? I don't think so. I think that in relationships it is expected that some things will naturally be kept private.

So why is it so important that one need to speak with someone else and share the terrible, overwhelming, horrible, burden that someone they know cross dresses? Isn't it more like you just want to be a gossip and share a juicy tid bit of information that nobody else really needs to know and that is not yours to share?

Wow, I am more than a bit snarky this morning!

[katlee]

I think in the human process we are looking for genuine human connection. In order to be genuine I prefer to show who I am to the people. However, there is so much hesitance to show this side of ourselves because of rejection or humiliation. It would be great if I could be open and talk about myself like the color of the sky is blue. I feel like I am hiding from people and I feel terrible that the only people that know are few and far between. Part of me would like to a do feminine things openly with my friend. Maybe one day...

[ReineD]

First I think we need to separate those who have or who intend on transitioning from those who don't. Obviously if a person is a transitioning TS, then there is no choice BUT to tell … it's difficult to always leave the house dressed in the target gender, change a name legally, change all the gender markers, and through HRT grow breasts, soften skin, redistribute fat, plus work on changing the voice to match the gender presentation without people in the TS's life noticing. It's nice to receive responses from a TS's perspective in this thread, but they are under different circumstances than non-TSs.

Likewise, even though this represents a much smaller percentage of people, a person who identifies as pangender (http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Pangender) or other non-binary gender (agender, androgynous) and who lives and presents as such daily without switching back and forth, also falls outside the scope of this discussion since again, they have made the choice to live as they do 100% of the time. The choice to tell or not to tell is moot.

Getting back to your post, I do believe that your blog article applies to the people who identify male or predominately male (or somewhere in between male and female i.e. feeling they have characteristics of both) and who do switch back and forth, since doing this involves some choice, namely, the choice of when to dress and not to dress.

All this to say that I totally agree with the following statement from your blog as the primary reason to be out to loved ones:


"The question I ask is why do we feel this need? I can only speak personally here. On one level I think it would make my life much easier. If I was not afraid of a family member seeing my wife and I walking through a shopping centre I am sure I would feel less anxiety and thus have even more fun when doing so. Also, if my children (for example), knew about this other side of me, I could get dressed more easily and finding the time to be me would involve less logistics and less cloak and dagger activities."

Why is there a need for honesty? Because it makes life easier when people who are close to you know since you can live in harmony with them without having to resort to subterfuge … provided they accept. If a CDer chooses to tell a spouse, child, friend, or coworker who then says, "That's nice but I would prefer to not go out and do things with you dressed, or even see you dressed", then I wonder if there would be the same amount of stress involved in meeting this person accidentally while dressed than if they didn't know.

Living life authentically means the ability to present as you wish, when you wish, which is pretty much the decision that TSs make. They do not wish to constrain themselves to presenting male, ever. If after you tell a loved one or a friend, they still do not want to see you dressed, or they are OK with seeing you dressed at home but they don't want to do the things you want to do while dressed like going out, then you still are constrained to not dressing when you are out with them. It's better than being completely closeted, but there are still constraints.

You also mention going out in public and dealing with SAs, restaurant personnel, etc in girl-mode. This is much easier since the crossdressing doesn't impact any of these people's lives and so they just don't care. Additionally, they provide a service in exchange for money, and if they want your business they need to not have (or not show) a personal opinion of your presentation. Would these same SAs, restaurant personnel, etc be as accepting if their husbands or boyfriends were CDers? It would be interesting to ask them.

As to neighbors, I think they fall into an in-between category unless they are also close friends with whom you do things with socially. If a CDer lives in a neighborhood where they don't know their neighbors or they are strictly casual acquaintances, then they also fall into the category of people who are not impacted by what you do ... although it might be more complicated if the neighbors also know your workmates, close friends, or other people whom you do not wish to tell in which case there would be a risk of gossip.

[Sarah Doepner]

Dani,

You have given this a lot of thought and I appreciate you putting it all down. If it does either of us any good, we have come to several of the same thoughts and understandings of how this all works, or fails to work. We are social animals as Katlee mentions. We need to interact with others to stay healthy, happy, productive and while being a hermit is great for a time, for most of us it's not a great career choice. My wife knew, but passed away almost two years ago. And there are lots of Trans* folks know me in both male and female mode, but my children who have grown to adulthood and have kids of their own and oldest friends have not been introduced to Sarah. They don't know my crossdressing for many of the reasons you cite, fear of alienation, loss of respect and contact are primary. The retirement board doesn't really care, so I don't have to worry about my income being threatened.

So why do I want to tell them? My wife knew and when she passed away it put me back in the closet, that was a second shock I didn't anticipate. I didn't have to consider that I was being dishonest with anyone else because there was someone who knew and the secret was shared. I don't like carrying this secret around with me because it forces me to hide and invent stories and tell half-truths to people who deserve more and better from me. Presenting as female must be important to me, so it would be nice if it didn't cause me distress when I hear a car door slam near by or I get a call or text from a family member or friend wanting to visit? I can go out in the community and shop or see a movie or get something to eat, so I am comfortable in the company of strangers who may or may not understand or approve. But with them I'm hiding something as well, so it seems I do feel the need for a little more honesty in my life (not really for the strangers though), it would just make my life just a bit more relaxed.

And just one more thing. Size 8 shoes? Are you kidding me?

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

We reveal because to withhold vital information about ourselves is to go down the road of secrecy that eventually poisons relationships. Now to do so entails risk. Several years ago I was hit with the strong desire to dress again after many years in complete repression. My wife knew I had been a CDer before we met, but I had set that life aside to pursue other things, including marriage. When I disclosed to her that I wanted to go back to dressing she shut the whole idea down completely. told me that If I tried she'd take the kids and leave me. Not wanting that outcome I repressed again. Now faced with those desires once more I am faced witht he choice to either dress in secret and betray a trust, or sacrifice those feelings for the sake of someone I love. I choose to do the latter and hope it doesn't break my psyche. In the end honesty is something I value more.

[Stephanie47]

I always figure the subject is on a "need to know" basis. Why is it necessary for ME to tell the world. I do recommend telling a future wife before the relationship gets too serious. Cross dressing may not be something she wants or can deal with due to any reason. Heck, I would never marry a woman who smokes, which is different than "smoking hot!"

Telling everyone seems it may be counter productive. Sure, I get the comments that a true friend will accept your cross dressing, but, realistically one may lose many friends and family relationships. Of course, you may argue you'll get a new set of more accepting friends. But, you can get that set of new accepting friends anyway. I have friends that belong to different groups: veterans, neighborhood, work, church, etc. Not everyone slops over from one group to another.

"No man is an island unto himself"

[kimdl93]

For me, it was a prerequisite to getting into a long term relationship. We were getting serious and I didn't want to hide or lie about who I was.

[ReineD]

I think this is the same with my SO, Kim. Had I not been open to this, I don't know if our relationship would have happened. I have mixed feelings about this, but I try to not think about it too much. I fell for my SO long before my SO fell for me.

[kimdl93]

BTW 'Mir' is iPad for 'it'. I think it's fair to say my wife has mixed emotions too, although she is not always honest about her feelings in that regard. When it has come up, I'm not sure which feels worse, knowing that she has endured rather than embraced this part of me, or knowing she endured out of her concern for me. I don't want to be a source of discomfort in her life. I'm sure many of us have similar reservations.

[ReineD]

Oh, I don't have mixed emotions about my SO's presentation modes. I accept this 100%. I just don't know how I feel about the idea that had I not been so accepting, my SO would have chosen someone else. It places a condition on our relationship that I would rather not be there. I suppose I subscribe to the notion of unconditional love.

[kimdl93]

Well, it's kinda the luck,of the draw. I put my thing out there for my then GF, so she could choose for herself. I fully expected her to say, thanks but no thanks.

My guess is that your SO had reached the same point as you, and felt obliged had to give you the opportunity to bow out gracefully.

[cheryl reeves]

bridgett,that type of blackmail is not good for your psych and marriage well being. by saying if you cd she is leaving,shows she could care less about your feelings,and only cares for how she feels. you and you wife need to sit down and talk about where your marriage is heading. just mtc.
cheryl

[sometimes_miss]

Why do we want to expose ourselves in this way?
1. Because we want to be loved and accepted for who we really are. 2. Because it's a hassle to put up a fake life for everyone to see all the time.
Now then. Don't forget, that no one tells anyone else everything about ourselves. We couldn't. We'd have to narrate our entire life in every minute detail of every second of conscious thought. So we 'edit' the tale, and only tell people what we feel they need to know. Remember, they have to live with this knowledge, too. So, knowing that oh, 95% will be uncomfortable with having a mate/relative/friend/coworker that is a crossdresser, I kindly don't burden them with this knowledge, and let them continue their comfortable lives the way they are. Remember too, that when we tell someone something, if we want them to keep it a secret, we just transfer the burden of keeping that secret, from ourselves, to them. I wouldn't think it fair to do something like that to anyone I know.

[Katey888]

Interesting post and blog article, Dani, and not boring by any means... :)

I think I can align with many of your thoughts although I remain a partially closeted adherent in being only out to accepting strangers. You make good points in the article and many times I have come back to the same premise to try to simplify things: and that's motivation. What motivates an individual to express or indulge feeds directly into whether there is a need to have that validated by others, and whether those others can be just of the accepting kind (from our own community or at least understanding of it) or whether they have a closer relationship (our more intimate friends or loved ones).

Perhaps these needs are also helpful in indicating (if indication is required...) the nature of the CDer - something that I ponder on often... So a need to share a lifestyle aspect openly with wives or SOs for me indicates a stronger TG nature that contrasts sharply with a fetish CDer that may be indulging in more purely visceral pursuits... And of course, there's a vast grey area in between and around that...

I don't subscribe to the 'honesty is the only policy' belief, particularly with respect to children. We don't sit them down and talk about the horrors of the Holocaust without context; nor would we necessarily be totally open about sexual kinks as part of their sexual awareness... Integrity is possible when you take responsibility for your actions even if those actions mean withholding information that you deem not relevant to someone - and that's a personal value and belief call, not an absolute.

We want to be accepted for all of who we are as individuals, particularly by those closest to us and it's not surprising that sometimes that just might be in conflict with what we think is best for them... It's a personal call...

Katey x

[Momarie]

Quote Originally Posted by ReineD
It's nice to receive responses from a TS's perspective in this thread, but they are under different circumstances than non-TSs.

Quote Originally Posted by PaulaQ
And the experiences, perspectives, and opinions of a cisgender woman are more valid why precisely? I guess though, being cis, you get to win - that seems to be the way of the world, doesn't it?


No one is more thoughtful or considerate in their replies than ReineD.
Honestly, sometimes I think you just invent ways to distort and misrepresent what is said.

[char GG]

The way I understand this forum, eveyone is allowed to voice an opinion. I don't think there is a "win" or lose" situation.

[PaulaQ]

@char GG - no, but clearly some feel they have the right to dismiss the validity of other's opinions. So if in the opinion of a highly helpful and esteemed poster my opinions have no merit, I will remove them. That's fine. Apparently I was mistaken that my opinion had relevance. My sincerest apologies.

[rosetyler]

Why did I come out to my family as exmormon? Cause it's a pain in the ass to have to go to such lengths to hide who you are and there is freedom and liberation in being your true self around others. I imagine it's the same with gender identity things.

[RedFourteen]

Because I love my wife and keeping secrets from each other is not something I want to do.

[Natalie cupcake]

I revealed myself to my wife because I could never keep this from her. And she very accepting. She help me find who Natalie is. I only want to reveal Natalie to people in my life that I know are opening minded enough to accept her.:battingeyelashes:

[AbigailJordan]

Why the wish to reveal?? I think it's quite simple at it's roots.. I think that all any girl wants is to be just accepted for who they are.. whatever level of feminisation/masculisation they choose to exhibit. But also, one very common theme for many many girls here is the "closeted" aspect of crossdressing, the fact that it's mostly done in private.. when alone.. when nobody is round to see it. But let's face it, that can be a very lonely life, which is why you see so many posts on various boards looking for a "girly friend" or "someone to just hang out with".. because we all want to be able to continue our normal social life with our circle of friends, but secretly hate having to get changed into guy clothes just to go and hang out with your best mate etc.

For me that's certainly a big part of it.. knowing I have places I can go and not have to worry about changing out of my girl jeans.. knowing I can just throw a jacket over my crop top and then take it off when I get there rather than finding a t-shirt or something to change into. And of course the biggest one of all.. not having to rush like an idiot to get changed when your best mate knocks unexpectedly at your door :)

Obviously it's different with SO's.. I told my last gf that I crossdressed before we even got serious.. my family knows, my best mate (female) knows, and the girl I'm kind of seeing at the moment knows.. we've been friends for a few years now and I revealed to her about 6 months ago before we got involved in any way. It's just a lot easier to know that's out there and isn't going to come up years later and cause problems.. and also good to find out early how accepting the other party is of your dressing.

[Patrica Gil]

Because I am a whole person, and being feminine is just part of the whole.

[AbigailJordan]

Came back to this one as I confided in another of my close friends tonight. Have known her for many years and have seen posts from her previously that strongly suggested an open mind and support towards all parts of the LGBT community, so whenever I went round to hers I wouldn't worry too much about toning down the feminine side.. glittery nails.. sparkly/cutesie ear studs, tight girl jeans etc etc.

So tonight, the conversation ended up touching on her cousin who is MtF, and the hatred he had to deal with when he was younger and she said "it's like people just can't understand.. he was just born in the wrong body".. so obviously I had to explain that I probably had a better understanding than most and she asked what I meant.

And you know what.. it seems that no matter how long and manicured my nails were.. no matter how tight or embroidered my jeans were, no matter how cutesy or sparkly my earrings were.. she hadn't even given it a second thought.. despite having had the thought when I walked through the door of "oh my god I love those jeans he's wearing!!!".

Hadn't planned to come out to her, just one of those things.. but feels good to have one more person in my inner circle that I can totally be myself around :)

[Nadya]

In short I think we want to be honest with those we care about but forget that our honesty places an unasked for and unwarranted burden on those we love. We need to reconcile these tensions. How do we live with integrity and not harm those we love?


I think that the reason we want to tell others is because of what you said. I'll add that for me it's also a matter of wanting people to know who I really am. I've hidden this side away for so long and guarded my real personality that I just want others to know who I really am if that makes sense. As for why it seems like everyone is thinking the same thing, who knows? Maybe we are excited to start a new summer with a fresh start. :)