Cheating

[Krisi]

Reading and responding to another thread, I thought of this but decided it deserved its own thread.

Let's say your wife or girlfriend doesn't know about your crossdressing. And, let's say a friend or neighbor saw you in the yard or through a window and took you for a woman and then told tour wife or girlfriend that he/she saw a strange woman in your house when she was gone.

Would you rather your wife or girlfriend thought you were cheating on her or admit that it was you crossdressing? Or try to make up another excuse?

[kimdl93]

My first wife was convinced that I was cheating, even knew the name of the woman...except it wasn't true. Someone mistook my brother for me and saw him out with another woman.(not his wife). I knew nothing about his affair at the time and was baffled by my wife's accusations. It began long inexorable decline of our marriage.

Having endured that experience, I could never allow anyone to presume that other woman at my house was anyone other than me.

[alwayshave]

I was married for 16 years and from the very beginning my ex-wife accused me of cheating. I went out with my friends she accused me of cheating, she'd call my friends wives to verify, I went to my mother's house she'd call to make sure I was there. There is nothing worse than being accused of something that you were not doing, it was one of the main undoings of our marriage. I guess I'd fess up as I cannot stand the accusation.

[bridget thronton]

For me the truth is better than a lie

[Krisi]

Specifically, I'm talking about your wife being told by someone that there was a strange woman in your house when she was away. That "woman" being you.

Do you fess up or let her think it was another woman?

[Meghan4now]

In my biased opinion, I'd tell her about the dressing. But then again, she already knows, and has always had little glimpses since before we were married. To me cheating is a major violation of trust that trumps closet dressing about 100 to 1.

[CynthiaD]

Cheating is a violation of the marriage vows, and a justifiable reason for divorce. Crossdressing is neither of these, despite the fact that it sometimes leads to marriage problems, up to and including divorce. I'd opt for the truth.

[docrobbysherry]

My ex found a strange bra in our bedroom and assused me of cheating. I told her it was mine and she calmed down.

3 years later, we separated when I found out she was cheating on me.

[cheryl reeves]

you either tell her the truth or stay dishonest,the choice is yours. my wife knows im the other woman.

[Katey888]

At risk of inciting another rift between opposing Atlantic shores to rival the conflagration of just over 200 years ago, I do think many folk west of these shores are very hung up on 'truth' thanks to the fable of Washington and his old man's cherry tree... I'm sure most kids of the late 18th century would have got a sound thrashing rather than a hug for such a feat - but I digress... :)

Option 3 for me... make something up (I can be very creative in times of stress...) - like:

It was a local estate agent (realtor) valuing the house... or...

I was trialling a new interior designer while you were away...

.. or something equally facetious...

Better to let it not happen if you really want to remain closeted and entirely secret... but we're not the only ones who work hard at developing plausible deniability... :thinking:

Katey x

[Tracii G]

Seems funny to me all the big strong men here are afraid to talk to their wives about them dressing.

[Krisi]

It's perfectly logical. We are afraid to talk about it because it is a social taboo. Men are not supposed to dress like women or wear breast forms and high heeled shoes. They are not supposed to prance around the living room in frilly tutus. Society does not approve of this. Dressing like a woman makes us less manly in the eyes of most people and it implies that we are homosexual. I doubt there's a person here who told his wife that he was a crossdresser and got the response "Goody goody, I was hoping you were a crossdresser so that we could share clothes and pretend to be girlfriends or lesbian lovers."

Coming out to our wives as crossdressers can make a permanent change in the relationship or even end it. Those are the chances we take when we tell.

[StephanieinSecret]

Seems funny to me all the big strong men here are afraid to talk to their wives about them dressing.
Preach!

I told my SO about my dressing after about 10 months together. One of the big reasons was so that, if they stumbled across any of my girl clothes, they would know whose they were. Telling your SO about your dressing during a discussion of fidelity seemed like pretty much the worst way to do it.

[justmetoo]

I would prefer to be open and up front from the beginning (but then again, I am single). I think that's easier to do if you're honest with yourself and accept yourself, and that can be difficult for many. Society doesn't help. I've finally reached a level of self-acceptance where I can handle the truth. :)

[Lexi_83]

Old joke.
"How long you been wearing that girdle?"
"Ever since my wife found it in the car."

[Dana3]

Although I'm not and haven't been currently dressing, indeed don't a single item which is nor could be described as feminine, the thought of it is with me daily and there's not a day which I don't think about it, more than I don't. That said the current wife knows that I'm a cross dresser, and she's known since before we got together, and married. Currently I'm not even in a DADT relationship. Her stance thus part to date is one of a combination of DADT, I don't want to be involved, don't want to discuss, out-of-site, out of mind.

And I'm find with that, I just don't want to get into the Hidin~N~Lying, denial business.

[DanaR]

For me the truth is better than a lie
It's easier to remember too.

[sometimes_miss]

My first wife was convinced that I was cheating, even knew the name of the woman...except it wasn't true.
^this. My wife found a slip I had accidently left out. thought it was left by a female friend of ours and that I was cheating. I had a split second to decide what to tell her. I chose wrong. Marriages survive one episode of cheating far more often than they survive the discovery that the husband is a crossdresser.

[~Joanne~]

I only had that happen once to me, I used my SO's comb to comb out my wig and unfortunately it left black hairs on the brush that I didn't pay attention to. When she came home and found the hairs on the brush, right away she thought I had a woman in the house and she used her hair brush. I told her it was hair from my wig I was going to use on halloween and she calmed down after I showed her the wig.

It probably would have been a good time to come clean about my dressing but I wasn't ready at that point and left it with the halloween excuse because it worked. It was a half truth at best. Now that she has known for about two years, we have discussed it again and we laugh at it now.

[EllenJo]

My wife laughed at this thread. I traveled extensively for years and my wife always said that she knew I was not cheating on her because she knew I would not undress in front of another woman while wearing panties.

As far as a neighbor reporting a strange woman in the house, she would know it was me. For all of you that are still in the closet, I would recommend the truth, it is always easier. Just my opinion.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[Chrissi]

It's early, I'm kind of bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, but if my SO was told by a neighbor about a strange woman in the house (mind you, our house is completely glass in the front)...he's probably wonder if I just had a work colleague over or something...I doubt he'd even ask or mention it...maybe. Sorry, don't mean to make light of a touchy subject...I NEED sleep.
Chrissi

[Pumped]

Seems funny to me all the big strong men here are afraid to talk to their wives about them dressing.

Some of us have been told that it is her or the clothes, and in and otherwise great relationship. So we keep hiding and hope.

[Tina_gm]

I am not into infidelity either doing it or being on the crap end of it. If I wasn't out to her, that would have been a reason to tell. However, I am willing to bet that a fair amount of women would rather be cheated on then be told the clothes were in fact their partners.

[Krisi]

I remember on the TV show "Cheaters", in one episode the wife called the show because she suspected the husband was cheating on her. The surveillance crew followed the husband around and he would go into a storage facility and come out as a woman, then walk around. He would change and go back home.

The show concluded that he was "cheating with himself" and called off the surveillance. I don't remember how it ended.

To answer my own question from the original post, I think we all know deep down inside that honesty is the best policy in a marriage and it's going to come out eventually so it's best to just come clean about the crossdressing.

[Tina_gm]

By being honest about cding, it avoids this scenario. And of any trust issue that invariably crops up as at some point when our partners have no knowledge we end up building a house of cards of a life to keep them thrown off the trail. One wrong move, one slip and it all comes down.

[rosetyler]

Better to let it not happen if you really want to remain closeted and entirely secret
and

Some of us have been told that it is her or the clothes, and in and otherwise great relationship. So we keep hiding and hope.
Why not just tell your partner the truth? If they don't accept you for who YOU really are...do you really want to be with them anyways? BE YOURSELF.

[Dana44]

I told my mate before i ever dressed. Showed her all of my clothes and heels. So no I do not think any secret should be kept from your mate. She did ask me weather i was BI, I fessed up and told her, yet that does not mean that I would do it.

[Eryn]

At risk of inciting another rift between opposing Atlantic shores to rival the conflagration of just over 200 years ago, I do think many folk west of these shores are very hung up on 'truth' thanks to the fable of Washington and his old man's cherry tree... I'm sure most kids of the late 18th century would have got a sound thrashing rather than a hug for such a feat - but I digress... :)

Option 3 for me... make something up (I can be very creative in times of stress...)

Once, a wise man said:


Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive! [Sir Walter Scott]


The "Sir" in front of the name indicates that he was from your side of the pond, so apparently truth is valued over there too.

(Although admittedly, Scott was from Scotland so he may differ a bit from the Folks Down South.)

I can't imagine outright lying to my spouse. It was difficult enough to simply not tell her the fact that I had started dressing and I only did that for a few weeks!

[Pumped]

and

Why not just tell your partner the truth? If they don't accept you for who YOU really are...do you really want to be with them anyways? BE YOURSELF.

Because I love the gal and want to stay married to her. Like I said, we have a great relationship other than the dressing. Trust me, I am working on it. She seems to be slowly accepting it, but at this time she believes I still have the desire, but don't dress.

[Lorileah]

Do you fess up or let her think it was another woman?
:thinking: lie and make things worse or be honest and at least feel you did what was right...the thing about a lie is you have to keep feeding it. If being a cross dresser would cause your wife to leave...I would imagine her thinking you were having an affair would be far worse


Some of us have been told that it is her or the clothes, and in and otherwise great relationship. So we keep hiding and hope.

And, just to be clear, would said woman say "Aw heck honey, go and sleep with other women" Seems it would be the affair or the marriage in most cases


My wife found a slip I had accidently left out. thought it was left by a female friend of ours and that I was cheating. I had a split second to decide what to tell her. I chose wrong. Marriages survive one episode of cheating far more often than they survive the discovery that the husband is a crossdresser. On the surface that is a true statement because men (and women) cheat everyday...but there are fewer crossdressers. I would suspect a lie, in any form would have been just as devastating to your relationship because you planted the seed of distrust...

[Samantha_Smile]

I'd rather the truth be known.

Regardless of which option you choose, your wife/SO is going to lose trust in you.
Wouldn't you rather her have a real reason to lose her trust than have a made up one.
Telling her, or allowing her to believe you're cheating is just a lie on top of a lie.

"....And the truth shall set you free"

[Teresa Monsivais]

In my biased opinion, I'd tell her about the dressing. But then again, she already knows, and has always had little glimpses since before we were married. To me cheating is a major violation of trust that trumps closet dressing about 100 to 1.

I agree it is very different but in the end it can bring out feelings of betrayal, hurt deception, which can damage the relationship. I personally would fess up and say it was me. When my ex found out that I enjoyed looking at videos of women in heels or shoe dangling videos, she knew I was hiding something else. The guilt of hiding that not only did I like watching women in heels but liked putting them on myself killed me inside that I had to confess it. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage.