4,910 active members, I would love all of your perspectives on this subject

[Erica Marie]

I know we all fall into a different range here. Some dress because they like the change, some for sexual reasons, some for stress relief and many like myself who suffer from some level of gender ID issues.

For those of you who are just consider yourself a regular crossdresser, I would love to know how you cope and keep it at a level that you can handle.

And for the others who deal with gender ID issues, how do you cope day to day. If you had the chance to have HRT would you do it if no one knew? I think for alot of people what holds us back is acceptance from others. Would you prefer to be female and dress as a male to be accepted, because that is what everyone expected you to be. Which in turn still makes you a crossdresser.

A bit about me for those who dont know. I have been dressing since my early teens. Like many it started as a sexual thing, exploring who I am, as the years went by I passed through many stages. Trying to transform myself to appear female through cloths, wigs, breast forms. Now I realize its about trying to make my brain accept who I am. Now to cope a little better I wear female cloths everyday, but all items that could pass as male or female. I have let my hair grow to a longer length but not so much that I look sloppy or overly feminine. Have my ears pierced, keep my legs and body free of manyly hair growth. But I do it all i a way that no one overly suspects anything. Something I have done my whole life, do what is expected and be who I am expected to be. The son, the brother, dad, the guy next door, the guy at work. How do you just change all of that? All things I wish I knew 35 yrs ago, do I just keep living the life that others see me in?

[karenpayneoregon]

Prior to transitioning I dealt with day to day by burying myself in teaching which I loved as a second profession and was perfect as it was dominated my males along with dating woman which pretty much go little time for my female side. After roughly 15 years doing this I succumbed to my female side to the point it could not be hidden anymore and left the group to peruse gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. In the end it my female side dominated my male side till there was no male side.

In many ways my life was similar to Lady Valor (Kristen Beck)

[kimdl93]

A lot of questions there, Erica...some directed at the rest of us, but mostly at yourself.

I would put myself in the group whose gender identity is at odds with that lifelong image. I've used many of the strategies you've employed, and dealt with the same conflicting expectations. For me, these half measures have offered a less than satisfactory coping mechanism. Only feel complete and right with the world when I'm presenting as female. However, some business and family obligations limit my freedom to go full time. So I compromise and endure. I find there is no magic solution...only a determination to live in the moment, meet my obligations and enjoy and appreciate the opportunities life affords me.

[reb.femme]

Hi Erica,

I'm happy being male me and dressing whenever I can. I would really like to dress more than I do and to be able to go to work femme, but the work thing will not be happening. Many years of testosterone in my system forbids me from ever seriously passing so will always be the man in a dress....more's the pity, because I really do like femme me. :sad:

If I lived on my own, I still would not consider transitioning, it's never been on my radar, but I would almost certainly dress femme whenever I was at home. :)

Rebecca

[Tina_gm]

Idk if there is such a thing as a "regular " cder... but I get whst you are saying about how many of us don't have a more prominent female identity. That being said, what makes any male dress as a female strictly for themselves and on a fairly regular basis or at least desire to?

My thoughts, and not everyone shares them is that from occasional to full time and orTS is all the same phenomenon, but those who are TS are to a higher, or highest degree. Cders are just somewhere in the middle from cisgender to TS.

I am in some ways just the typical cder you speak of, but in other ways not. I suffer certain frustrations as you do, but probably not all of them. I believe that I am a blend of gender. A strong duality which can often be at odds. Part of me longs to be female yet part of me doesnt. That seems to be my biggest struggle personally.

My coping mechanisms are that I come here. Also, I try very hard to look at the big picture of life. Successful people generally are the ones who have patience, sacrifice and compromise down. They see the greater good that comes from practicing these principles.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to figure out how you can find the balance of being both good and true to yourself while honoring the life you have created. In the end, you may find it is in your best interest to simply allow yourself your full gender expression.

Often though for many of us, we find some middle ground. That is something I am working toward. Finding internal peace, not being art war with myself because I am feminine. I didn't choose it, it chose me. But, regardless that I am a feminine person yet am male, I can still be a good person.

[alwayshave]

Dear Erica, I am a crossdresser who gets to dress as often as I like. I am not frustrated, as I am a male that likes to wear women's clothes and I get to do so. No gender identity issues, I know who I am. My only frustration is my weight and my inability to do eye makeup.

[Krisi]

I consider myself "a regular crossdresser" and I cope with it by dressing when it won't cause problems in my life and not dressing when I have things to do that can't be done dressed as a woman. By this, understand that I don't want to be seen by neighbors or friends dressed as a woman.

Balance is important in life be it crossdressing, playing golf, fishing or whatever.

[Melissa73]

alright! i consider myself a regular crossdresser, since i was 12. outed 3 years ago at age 38. I dress every day, considering ive done the switch to panties 24/7. When i am home, i am dressed in my "girl" clothes which is apart of my regular wardrobe..... rarely do i wear typical guy clothes, unless it is to got to work.

Do i want to transition? NO! i am happy as a man.... who dresses as he please! Ive come to realize this makes me a better man, im not frustrated nor am i angry as much as i was when i was "closeted."

BUt the next issue im coming to terms with, is that i am realizing that i am attracted to men... and desire a 1st time experience. However not just with anyone!

mELISSA

[Karen kc]

Im just a regular man in a dress crossdresser. My wife knows, but no one else. Even though you can probably bet that Im under-dressed, I know in my mind that about as far as I can go with it! Im satisfied that I can under dress. I do get frustrated that I have to run to the b r and change if I see the grand youngons comming across the yard or whatever, I m thankful for the little timeI had dressed. I wouldnt change a thing!

[audreyinalbany]

I too consider myself a 'regular cross dresser.' Late middle aged, hetero sexual, married for many years, kids, house in the 'burbs. I honestly don't get tormented by my dressing. My wife and I are pretty much DADT except for the very occasional 'heart to heart' talks that never seem to alter things very much. I dress once in a while, have gone out on a few occasions (only once to a meeting, usually shopping or museum-ing) and when I don't dress for extended periods of time, fantasize about dressing. I go through times when the desire to dress is fairly intense and times when it's pretty minimal. I just kind of roll with it. i've got to agree that 'balance is important in life.'

[jacques]

hello,
I wonder if there is such a thing as a "regular crossdresser"? There is probably as much diversity among CDers as there is within any other "community".
My reasons for dressing have changed with age and circumstances. Do non-CDers ever question their choice of clothing like we do or do they just accept it?
luv J

[AllisonCS1]

I'm not really sure which side of the road I fall onto, But I do know that keeping things unchanged will not change anything so I keep forging down this path attempting to discover my limits and where precisely I belong.

For many years I believed things to be taboo and would sometimes steal from the laundry when I was younger... (0nce I became too tall to receive handidowns from my sister) later on in life I would have to make do with whatever the ex gf left behind... never once could I bring myself to run to the store and pick something up under the guise of shopping for a SO. Luckily the internet came along and yet I held back, only purchasing a small item here and there. always careful not to take things too far with the belief that I was just trying to cope with the loneliness and disparity of my life.

That trend continued for many years, telling myself that I was just coping, but I no longer believe that I was coping, I was denying reality... Yet still there was a lot of fear, of what I am unsure but while I never had a wife or serious relationship holding me back I allowed the thought that I was the oldest son and I had responcibilities to remain that way. Even now though most of my siblings are grown I still war with that ideal. I have a sister 12yrs and 3 young nephews and 3 nieces and I am constantly asking myself what should I do?

But I suppose that something sort of good happened, my mother had overhead a alchohal induced emotional confession I made to one of my younger sisters who was in the navy.(A family reunion) and after about a month... Well she outed me as trans to 4 of my siblings. Now I'm a truck driver, and when I found out, well a brother whom likes to add drama to things called me up... Long story short, I had to pull over lest something happen. And while negative at the time, it's actually a blessing, those that know with the exception of my mother are being supportive, but that can change should I go further with things. But they haven't yet, and honestly I gave caring about my mother a very long time ago.

Now, not everyone in my very large family knows but I'm no longer afraid of anyone finding out(other than my grandfather and uncle... My two favorite elders). I do maintain hope that those that are being supportive stay that way even after I step further out of the closet, but I'm unsure.

But I really don't think that at any point in time I was actually coping with things... I know that it was nearly a constant struggle with sanity. I know that I was miserable, I know that I almost never smiled... the few times I've actually smiled and meant it my face would get a tic like kurt russel in backdraft, but I do know that the more I let Allison out the easier It gets to smile and not get the tic.

fyi at a brothers wedding there is a full minute of the tic in action... on video.. it's really embarrassing...

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Erica, I think you know my situation well enough, but for the thread, I'm just a boring old cross dresser. I'm a dude whether I am dressed or not. I dress when I feel like but ultimately, being able to talk about it with my wife is what makes my situation workable. Putting a voice to this need with the one I married is more important than dressing itself. Without that, I think the stress would be greater and hence the need to relieve it, greater.

[Dana44]

Erica, I cross dress regular and many times switch back to male mode when I can still dress. I have always been a bit female and have now tried to gain that balance of when. I know who I am and enjoy the peace that it brings. Yet I have to do other things that take the male side of me and to support my mate. Fate has brought us to a new city and we can go out and do whatever. I would not let my daughters and other know. It is a secret between my mate and me. Well all of you now.

[Beverley Sims]

My background is similar to yours and I just get on with it...
Nothing to worry, stress otr cope with.

I just do it.

[Sarah Doepner]

Erica,

I'm still trying to figure out where I fit. I think I have my identity nailed down for a while and then things change under my feet. I'm pretty sure I'm a crossdresser and not on a path toward transition, but there were times when I thought I was just a guy who got off on wearing womens clothes every now and then. I was out to my wife, but she passed away almost two years ago and that put me back in the closet. I do go out to Tri-Ess meetings for social time and support and just returned a while back from a week in Las Vegas where I only left the room once in boy mode.

I don't really keep it under control. I used to think I was getting in touch with my feminine side and there are times now that she seems to be considering a hostile takeover. I've been putting off yardwork since I'm not out to the neighbors and family so I can't do it in a skirt and wearing forms. I'll get over it and do the job, but I get late starts. I don't hate being male, but I really like thinking and looking as if I might be female. Getting a handle on this is like loading jello with a pitchfork and at times it's not getting easier.

The yard is calling to me, it's the call of a jungle and I'm afraid what I might find out there. The only problem is I have to go into the closet to change and those voices are strong as well. I'll let you know if and when it all works out.

[Amy Lynn3]

Like one poster said. I am just a dude who wears clothing made for a woman. Do I do it all the time ? No. I don't even fully dress at all times. Sometimes I under dress, other times I don't. I just do what makes me happy for that day.....if I want to be all guy and do guy things, I do that for sure.

My point is, what makes me happy...makes me happy and well adjusted mentally, be it feeling like, wearing female cloths or being a guy in men clothing. As, I already stated, the only plateau I have is to be happy in whatever I do.:)

[Teresa]

Erica,
I have to agree with Gendermutt, I know we're all different but much of that is true ! Many of us think we want more but never knowing all the reasons ! I find as I satisfy one aspect the goal posts move and different thoughts and desires come along ! It's hard to satisfy a CDer so I don't believe there's an average one !
Most of my adult life I've tried to bury my CDing thoughts in work but that was just putting off the inevitable of accepting it, trying to catch up now is a little too late but It's going to be fun trying !

[Sarah-RT]

if i could click my fingers and live as woman only if made no affect to anything else, yes i think i probably would.

how i cope with my situation is that ill dress once or twice a week, i work late and have college in the mornings so either through exhaustion, lack of time or just laziness i wont dress daily but when i do its great, ive recently gotten to hang out doing it with two of my gay friends, just grabbing a few beers and watching a film.

in between all this though i think about crossdressing regularly, if it was anything else you could call it an obsession but i think its more inner confliction

[justmetoo]

For me, self acceptance was the key. I used to be a crossdresser, now I'm a happy dressser. ;)
I dress when I feel like it, because I enjoy it and it expresses a side of me that I like. I'm also happy in male mode and do lots of things I enjoy that way, too. Balance is another key, in my opinion. Finding one's balance at any given time and place helps a lot.
And one more key is communication. Especially for those in relationships with SOs or spouses, but even for friendships and other relationships. Being able to be open and honest with at least some people.

I think once you reach some some self-acceptance and some balance it's not a matter of coping; it just is what it is. A matter of being, and of being oneself.

[pamela7]

i let my wife control my out-of-home dressing while she addresses her deep-seated childhood fears that are triggered by me being outed in the neighbourhood, but apart from that there's no control, I have no regard for whether me being in a dress upsets someone's sensibilities. I don't need to make-up much, unless like a woman would, for a special occasion, so mostly "man in a dress" is life here. This weekend I've even been circular sawing in a skirt and sandals, probably not the smartest thing but it was fun. It's time society lightened up, and a great change is here, at least in the uk, bright colours for men in clothes shops, there won't be any problems soon enough, it's game over for being in closets imho.

[Lorileah]

And for the others who deal with gender ID issues, how do you cope day to day. If you had the chance to have HRT would you do it if no one knew? I think for alot of people what holds us back is acceptance from others. Would you prefer to be female and dress as a male to be accepted, because that is what everyone expected you to be. Which in turn still makes you a crossdresser.

I don't understand this. But maybe because I decided that I had to live my life and not let others direct it. If you are on HRT, you should be under the care of medical professionals. Taking hormones is not something you do as a stop gap measure. They do have side effects. So if you wish to be accepted as male...be a male who crossdresses on occasion (or full time if you wish). Seems you want both sides of the fence here. Why take drugs for something you don't believe you need drugs for?

In my case it wasn't like a light went on and the world became unicorns and rainbows when I started HRT. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I had heard so many times here that estrogen was the magic elixir that made the sun shine. Maybe it is for some but having talked to other TS's it was not the miracle in and of itself. :idontknow: maybe I am the odd one...maybe I already had the levels to start with?

But I don't know any TS's who actually want to stay a guy and be a woman inside. (Never say never and always avoid always). It seems contradictory to me. In my mind it says "you need to talk to someone so you can work this out."

[Victoria Demeanor]

Erica, what a question for a Sunday. I would love to say that I’m just a normal, straight, married crossdresser, but wow I’m still really learning about myself. Like many this has been with me for as long as I can remember, but only recently in my later years in life have I really sat down to explore and figure it out. There are so many memories that when I thin k about it start to make sense. As I am trying to work this out with my wife, I have no idea what will be appeasing. When I finally let Victoria out, she came out screaming. I have tried to go slow and rein it I in, but that pink fog got so dense. Being on this site is helping, but how far I’ll ride this train not sure.
I know that I am a “type B” personality and I have lived as a strong “type A” pack leader. So a good portion of this is stress release and finding a way to be in some form myself.
I’m enjoying it, I think it’s good for me so there you half my short answer.

[Lily Catherine]

For all purposes I'm probably rather typical. I simply do not have many opportunities to dress (weekends at most) and thus have to make do with limited times first and foremost; it doesn't affect me adversely that I haven't dressed in a few weeks. The rest is up to my imagination which runs like mad when presented with a relevant stimulus. I am in a transparent closet of sorts; many of those I am out to are DADT and/or against the notion of CDing so I choose not to let it spill out too much. That said, I intend to get out of the house presenting as female as soon as I am up to scratch.

[Traceyjo]

I'm another one of your regular crossdressers and I manage to cope with it very well, mostly. My wife is the only other person who knows and she is cooperative in the sense that she allows me to enjoy the pleasure of dressing when she is not at home. Fortunately for me her work regularly takes her away every few weeks for 3-5 days and I take full advantage of that time. I would like to be able to dress at least once a week but I cope well with the longer periods of abstinence and appreciate the amount of opportunity I do have. The urge is always present but I also love my male life. The challenge will come when my wife gives up her work travel. I definitely would struggle to cope if I only have occasional short times to dress.
We have not discussed this but I do feel she does not want to deprive me of the enjoyment of this aspect of my life and will find a compromise

[Vikky]

Hi Erica
I am in a DADT arrangement so dressing is a bit limited but I make the lost of it. If my SO goes out even for an hour I will put on a bra and forms under my drab clothes.
If she is out for longer I will spend the time more fully dressed, but am not interested in make up so don't bother with that.
Its even better if she goes away for a few days,as next week, when Vikky gets plenty of time, but only in the home.
I can live with this, but would prefer more Vikky time around the house.
Vikky

[BillieAnneJean]

I am a very late beginner. I am a husband, father, and grandfather. I have responsibilities. Because crossdressing is a fun escape hobby like most hobbies are, it is easy for me to keep it in perspective. I can understand how for those who are gender ID involved, it isn't as easy. So for me I am able to do my gal thing and switch back to my real life. CDing validated my guy mode because I am now a guy who has a choice. I can now choose to be the husband and dad that my previously default and only choice male self could not consider. As a guy I do a lot of things and fall in to a very small percentage of the US population for what I choose as hobbies. Even fewer because I CD. No big deal but it shows how I like the concept of choice. Cding has freed me to be a guy by choice. Yes it is also the default I was given at birth but it has also become my first choice. I like being with my SO.
So crossdressing js kept in perspective for me because I got the easier role as a non gender identity and non sexual orientation crossdressing male. It is easier.

I crossdress because it is fun and creative and offers choices. For me it is street theatre. If you are ever along for The Grand Illusions OUT enfemme events you will see how I attempt to draw the crowd in to our theatre. Some nights I get them involved, having fun with our act. It's not very often that there is no response. We are becoming known in Grand Rapids and as we become known as a fun distraction we help open the doors to freedom for everyone. Not in a big way, I don't consider myself anything but a footnote in time. So Cding for me is kept in perspective because for me it is really just FUN.

My heart goes out to all those for whom crossdressing and gender identity is serious. I welcome you to our Group. I am in awe of your path through life.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

At 52, I consider myself too old to bother going through the cost of transitioning, and have come to good terms with what I am and how I am living. Its not easy, but now that I have everything in order mentally and emotionally, I feel I can live in either gender at any time...and especially at a time of my choosing. There is no longer any fear of who I am, of going out, or who might find out since I have made my life an open book. Thank you foir a very good question thread :)
Hugs
Beth

[AbigailJordan]

Erica, it sounds very much as though you're at a similar stage to me.. you don't particularly want to shout to the world "look at me.. and more importantly.. look at my shoes!!!!".. but at the same time a part of you really doesn't care anymore if people see you.. part of you is just waiting for someone to "challenge" your choice of clothing/jewellery..

I feel this way a lot myself.. I will happily browse the womens section of most stores (obviously away from my hometown) and just keep reminding myself.. they don't know me, who cares what they think. But then yes, we will still "tone down" our dressing to attract less attention. 5 days a week I'm a professional office worker in shirt and tie (underdressed to some extent of course).. 2 days a week I'm a guy who may or may not be wearing something that was originally designed for a woman to wear.

I find that as time goes on, I get more and more tired of having such a gorgeous wardrobe and not being able to wear any of it out without a full night plan. So I find myself being more adventurous in which items I will wear.. my consideration of what is "passable for a guy" seems to shift regularly and I want to push the "unisex" line as far towards feminine as possible.

[GenderCurious Andrea]

Hi Erica, I think to a point we all get frustrated with how we cope but at the same time we are all different. The beauty in hearing how everyone else copes is you can take what works for others and develop your own way to cope. I actually don't dress all that often but when I do I try to make it special I will take my time getting ready, do my nails and make slowly so as not to rush things. I will find a glamour magazine of some sort and try to recreate a look. I will set up a photo shoot and model for myself. Soon I'm hoping to go on a day trip or go out but it is the experience I get out of it not so much the want to do it all the time. If I had more time and money sure I would probably dress more but sometimes not dressing makes it that much more special when I do...

[MissTee]

Hey Erica, thanks fro the thought provoking question. I suppose I fit in the Joe crossdresser category. I have girl clothes and I like to wear them. That's about as complex as it gets for me. Not looking to transition, or go out or whatever. What helps me cope is: a) I have accepted that's what I like and it's OK, and b) I do it enough that I don't succumb to bouts of frustration driven by self-denial.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm really not sure that there is something that could be referred to as a 'regular crossdresser', as the reasons for crossdressing vary from person to person. Earlier in life I suppose that I could be grouped with all the others that had absolutely no idea behind my desire to dress up as a girl; but that has changed. However, even though I now know the reasons behind the desire, it doesn't change the feeling that I should do it. I only feel normal when dressed as a girl. I live alone, so no longer fight the urge, I just give in to it, and in short order, there is little other than the obvious physical structural differences that I notice occasionally once I have changed fully into female attire, wigs, jewelry, etc., not much really giving any feedback at all that I am male. As opposed to you, my brain (personality) remains the same no matter how I'm dressed; I feel no need to distance myself from feminine feelings or desires, or deny that I would feel just as comfortable in a female life, as the male one I have had. Women of course will object, and tell me of how hard their lives are in comparison. All I can say in response is, how hard it has been to go through life, every day, having to act the part of someone that I'm not. Now that's hard.
Now the question about having HRT if no one would know. Why? At this point in my life, what point would it serve? I cannot magically become in any way a normal female. I have no desire to live the life of an outcast, having much of society see me as a freak, as I did throughout my school years. No, no thank you. HRT is no wave of the magic wand. All it will do is cause potential health problems (alright, perhaps the one up side will be a decreased possibility of an enlarged prostate) and further complications in my already screwed up life.
Looking back on what my life has been, I'll have to make the best of what I have. As there is no cure at this time for crossdressing or transgender feelings, I'll manage to live out my life crossdressing as often as I can.

[PaulaQ]

In my case it wasn't like a light went on and the world became unicorns and rainbows when I started HRT. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I had heard so many times here that estrogen was the magic elixir that made the sun shine. Maybe it is for some but having talked to other TS's it was not the miracle in and of itself. :idontknow: maybe I am the odd one...maybe I already had the levels to start with?


I dunno, HRT had a profound effect on me, but I wouldn't say that the world became unicorns and rainbows for me. I felt "normal." I'd never felt that way before. Prior to starting HRT, I felt so freaking bad - anxiety, depression, self-loathing, body dysphoria - it was a nightmare. The anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds I was taking did nothing. HRT melted this stuff away. So you know, I felt a lot better - but it got me to "normal." Look - normal is actually kind of crappy sometimes - life is like that. It's just that every day wasn't a waking nightmare.

I know many people who do fine on HRT, but who never suffered the types of GD I did, and who didn't get such profound mental effects from it. The effects tend to be a lot more subtle for them, and sometimes take longer to have effect. I don't think we have any idea why this would be, but I don't think it makes either one of us more or less in need of transition than the other. So no, I don't think there was anything wrong with you. GD is weird, and we don't understand all of this.

The only thing HRT related that would, to me, suggest that someone wasn't trans was having the hormones induce symptoms along the lines of the ones I experienced, or other symptoms of direct or indirect gender dysphoria. If a person's brain completely freaks out when they start estrogen, I think it's possible that they may not be trans. None of this is proven or even well understood though. I've just observed all three outcomes. (Another point - some people I've spoken with don't get relief until they start an anti-androgen, in addition to estrogen.)

Anyway, I don't think your experience is any less real or valid than mine was. Just different.

[Marcelle]

Hi Erica,

Well, I guess for me it is about finding balance between my male and female sides and not in the sense they are two different people but two different expressions of the same person. It is clear to me now that I am a little further down the right side of the TG spectrum and presenting female feels right and on some days more so than presenting male but again, it also feels right presenting male (I know, very confusing). It is for this reason that I chose to disclose to family, friends and work that I am TG so I could balance between the two and present as I need (including soon . . . hopefully . . . at work). Does that make my gender identity confusing . . . in some ways yes as it can be emotionally draining to stay one gender over the other for a time but in other ways no, because I can find a sort of balance. Where will it lead? Unfortunately, I cannot answer that question yet.

Hugs

Isha

[Lacey New]

I am not sure I know what a plain old vanilla regular crossdresser is but maybe I am one. When I started experimenting with just lingerie in my teens, it was exciting and taboo and very, very, sexual. And while i fantasied about trying to be more feminine, dresses, hair, jewelry, shoes, etc, that was not possible because of environment, school, work, marriage, etc. even though it was not and still is not far from the back of my mind. However, over that same course of time, I sort of trapped myself by building a very male personna that for many years has been what and how I present to friends, family, associates , etc. I am comfortable in that role and would not give it up even though there is a secret part of me that is still my feminine side. So, over the course of may years, I have learned to keep the Lacey part of me tucked neatly away in a closet, only coming out when the timing is right. I must admit, finding this site helps and I am obviously out to my friends here on line and anonymously to a few SAs at places like Dress Barn. But other than thatI have come to realize, I cannot unwind the clock and become a different me without losing what I have so I am comfortable with how I am and how Lacey is as well.

[Curiosity666]

I would say that I also fall into the space of a "regular" crossdresser. A heterosexual male in all other regards except for the fact that I dress up sometimes. I usually only dress once a fortnight or so.

I don't do much to "cope". I don't underdress, and have never really wanted to.
I don't come home and immediately throw on a nightgown. I only dress when I'm going all out.
I don't keep shaven all the time. I only shave before a dressing session.

I do talk to other girls and browse forums on dressing, makeup, fasion ect.
Luckily, this is all I need. I don't do it to "cope" or "keep things under control". I'm perfectly happy and comfortable at the level I am :)

[Alice K]

Interesting and thought provoking question. How does one cope, two answers. The mind is a very powerful tool and it is possible to completely bury yourself for a very, very long time. The second is survival. In the current day there is much more acceptance of gender fluidity. In earlier, prehistoric times a teen with A strong feminine side that was ever displayed would put his health and well being at risk. And as you age the need to survive in the persona you have created becomes similar survival techniques. It is an awful shame isn't it... Not being oneself.
😢
Thank you for this thread and question.

Alice

[Chrissi]

Hi Erica, I would say that I am not just a crossdresser, I live between male and female, not really feeling a part of either.

I have seriously considered HRT for well over 20 years, and indeed, I am going to start talking with my doctor & therapist about this. I, however, wouldn't not consider HRT for fear of being discovered and not being accepted. My biggest holdback has been, and for a long time, the health issues and consequences. I fear the side effects and potential future issues to be concerning. I have in the past reconciled on the fact that since there are issues presenting that have kept me from going forward, then I am really not ready for that path. My need to be (more) completely female is not strong enough for me to discount those health concerns.

I have been okay with this for now. But I would be lying if I said going forward that I will still feel the same. My concerns are decreasing, and my internal feelings are increasing. Thus the want to discuss with my doctor and therapist. hugs
Chrissi

[Lacy PJs]

I'm one of those "regular" ones as well. But that may be in part because, given my size, I'd look pretty out of place in the great outside world. To me, dressing just feels good and is relaxing. I rarely venture out of the upstairs of our house and will never go beyond the front door... or back door either. But I'm OK with that... as well as just dressing in certain items from time to time like babydoll PJs, leotards, girl shorts & tank top and maybe some nylons & a leotard. No make-up, no large shoe collection, no large wig collection, just a few things that I like to wear from time to time that my better half is totally OK with.

Don't know if that answers your question but that's my perspective...

Lacy PJs

[Amy Fakley]

... Now I realize its about trying to make my brain accept who I am ...

That one sentence just strikes such a chord with me ... that lifelong nagging that something isn't right; that feeling of foreign-ness in my own skin ... the decades and decades of self-flaggelation because "why on earth would I do this and what is wrong with me, that it should feel so right?" ... slowly followed by the understanding that this is just me being myself (as strange as that sounds), and that in itself isn't "wrong" ...

I don't know what to do with it either.
Maybe if I could have understood in my 20s, instead of taking a lifetime to get here ... but that's not the way it unfolded for me.

Distractions do seem to help, if they're positive activities. I'll pour myself into music or programming, and sometimes it does provide relief from the stress that builds from constantly feeling you're just wrong in every possible way.

[Katey888]

Well Erica, you've found a new way of giving this question some perspective it hasn't had before... firstly for introducing the concept of 'regular crossdresser'... :) And as a consequence the answers of those who place themselves in that category are really, really interesting... so everything from Lacy PJ's at home partial dressing, to Lucy's all-out, going out dressing (and looking very nice doing it too, Lucy... :)) I'd really like to see about 200 answers for a decent data sample - but I suspect most of our 4910 active members will be sleepers as usual... like mine will be post 41 from 486 members who have read it.. :thinking:

Perhaps you've just proved the anti-thesis here Erica: that there is neither a 'regular crossdresser' nor that there is anything particularly regular about crossdressing itself - contentious that might seem, but if you read enough here you see a lot of contradiction and confusion from folk, and while there is certainly some clustering of motivation and behaviour, there is also a lot of dissimilarity due to individual circumstances, environment, relationships, personality, etc. etc... and many individuals do tailor their behaviour to their situation. I don't see myself as a regular anything, really, but I choose to remain largely closeted, although I have got out occasionally. I have no desire to underdress and rarely partially dress anymore, and don't really express much feminine as a male, and while I have often tailored my dressing times to opportunity, I also have long periods of inactivity (like now) when I just don't feel the need. When I do feel the urge, I have to be very disciplined about times to maintain secrecy - that's a choice and it's only possible (I believe) as I don't have strong TG-tendencies... but I still believe that the idea of 'just a CDer' is a little disingenuous. We CD because of the underlying TGness - it just manifests itself to differing extents.

Now, if we can get another 150 replies, I might be tempted to spin up up a pie chart... ;)

[Stephanie Julianna]

If there was an Academy "Award for Acting in Daily Life" many of us would be nominated. I've been acting as society as expected me to act most of my life. I have given into some of my feminine leanings by becoming a nurse, under dressing daily and allowing myself to be tender and caring with family, friends and patients. I love beautiful things such as women's clothes, jewelry and hairstyles and enjoy how they look and feel when I wear them. I also love the way they help me express the woman within. If society were different, I would dress true to my nature all the time. Since that will never happen in my lifetime, I remain the consummate actress and continue to enjoy the other privileges that society gives my as husband, father and grandfather.

[Allycttv]

Steph. So true. I just
St wish I was as good actress

[Suzanne F]

Erica
I thought cross dressing was the answer. I was wrong. It only hastened the day when I would have to finally accept who and what I was. I put my first estrogen patch on Monday evening after finishing the Boston Marathon. It was the last test I wanted to face as a male. It marked the end and the beginning. I have found acceptance from most including my wife and children. See my post in TS section about my wife and beginning HRT.

I don't think HRT will solve all my issues. It does mark another step in accepting myself. Since it has only been a few days I cannot tell you anything about the effects. I do know I was jubilant when I placed the first patch on my skin.

Suzanne

[Erica Marie]

Of the 1/3rd of the members who took the time to read my post, and the 1/100th who replied, I want to say thank you for taking time give your perspective. Its nice to know how similar so many of us are.

[Erika Lyne]

Hey Erica,

I do not know where I fit and labels don't suit me as well as some.

I frequently dream in first person female but I dress as I see and feel fit. I am not happy in male mode and do not "deal with it well." I am not satisfied at my female persona either. Androgyny is not my thing, just the same.

Lost? Yup, you can say that. The most emotionally comfortable I am is when I'm dressed in female mode. Oddly enough though, I don't tend to dress anymore than I fit a need to. Most anyone would not get all dressed up in any mode if they were aligned right if there were no need. IE: a real housewife doesn't actually dress like June Cleaver, more likely would be dressed in jeans or yoga pants and a t-shirt. Many of us dress at any opportunity to fill a need, the need to dress. As of right now, I have been alone in a hotel room for hours, with a mix of male and female under things on, nothing more. Not emotionally satisfied, nor emotionally upset--just existing. It is not that I do not have clothing with me. Quite the contrary, I have 2 full female outfits, 2 male outfits, 4 pairs of shoes (break down of pairs of shoes: 1 heels, 1 men's dress shoes, 1 sneakers, 1 flats) both male and female gym clothes, male and female swim wear, female satin pink leopard print PJs, as well as socks, nylons, female underwear, toiletries and a few other things. I wear a Pandora bracelet, carry a Tinkerbell women's wallet in a very male work uniform and carry a different female wallet even in daily male mode. I carry a backpack purse in the winter with my men's leather jacket and wear a Tinkerbell sweatshirt under the jacket regularly. I rarely dress out of the house because I don't think I'd pass and worry about safety, mine and my family's.

I have anger issues (not physically violent) that I believe stem from gender identity issues. Although not clinically evaluated, I seem to follow suit with many gender dysphoric emotional misgivings stated on this site and in many other places as well.

Curiously, I recently took several personality tests/gender identity tests online. Every test result was further along the "possible transsexual" to "late stage transexual" than I had ever imagined. More emotionally female by a large margin and personal acceptance as the biggest psych issue.

As I already stated, I dream in the first person female. I wake and in that in-between state I still think I am female. It is when I fully wake that the world comes crashing in and realize my dream of being happy with myself is just that, a dream. The reality of being born male comes on like a freight train and the façade goes back up. The lie to the world continues.

Would I switch genders of I could without hurting others? Most definitely. Do I feel I could pass as a woman? Most unlikely--I just don't have the experiences growing up as a woman. The best I could do is mimic one and with that, I mimic a male persona better...more experience.

So, where do I fit? No where and everywhere. How do I deal? I just exist. Never happy, just frustrated.

Great thread. Very interesting to see how everyone else feels.
-E

PS: background--started dressing and realized I was different at age 4. Out with wife, kids, in-laws and about a dozen other people, mostly women.
I got wordy again...didn't I?

[Christen]

Hey Erica,
I think I plonk myself in the 'regular crossdresser' category, except as a few would have said, "there ain't no such thing". However I am happy with who/how I am. Having said that I accept that I'm transgendered and that have a place somewhere between blokey-bloke and girly-girl. Probably somewhere around the middle. I don't have any desire to get in to HRT or go full time but I am happy to be able to show the world the two facets to me.
How do I cope? By accepting that this is me and in either 'mode' it's a legitimate expression of who I am.
Tip - live your life, not the one others expect of you or indeed the one you think they expect of you.

Christen x

[Jayne]

Hi Erica
I started dressing as young as 7
I did not know why but it was exciting to wear tights shoes bra and undies.
As I got older I kept it hidden but bought stockings underwear and nail polish to wear with sandals and heels.
I got married and when I was less heavy went through a period of wearing my wife's dresses when she was out.
One day I showed her, she was not happy but we worked through it and now we are OK with home dressing from time to time.
I used to get excited sexually then be ashamed, I would purge and try hard to stop, it did not work.
It just cost me a fortune in shopping trips.
As I have got older ( I am 55 now) I am more relaxed in my male self and when dressed as a woman.
I no longer get sexually aroused when I dress as a woman (that stopped in my early days) but enjoy the freedom I feel when dressed in women's clothing.
I shave all body hair in the winter months and enjoy wearing makeup and a wig to look as near to being a woman as I can manage.
I do not want to be a woman and don't thing I ever did at any time in my life.
I love to emulate women, I believe I am a crossdreser regular or not is for you to decide.

Jayne xx

[LucyNewport]

Erica I think we are quite alike on how we approach the trans. I too suffer from pretty rough GID. It comes and goes. When my gender moon is on the rise it is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last think at night. Strange as it seems to me, my disphoria re asserts itself whenever things are going well. When I've been stressed at work (or out of work) and during major events and crises it moves to the background. It's always there but not as intrusive.

I've been trying to integrate my two selves for a while now with mixed results. Talking to friends about it is one part. Being visibly more Lucy is another. There are limits to how far I take it. Plucked eyebrows and shaved legs yes, totally femme hair no (my 5-head rules that out lol). My male side is not super manly though. I kinda dress like a schlub - hoodies and jeans for the most part. My lady wardrobe is far more professional!

If not for the familial obligations I would probably be on HRT. I may yet still. It's a big scary step to take and I have always backed off when I've considered it in the past.

[Dana L]

Erica, it sounds like we're very similar. I have gender ID issues. I feel like I'm in the wrong body. I too feel I have to live up to the gender I'm known as, husband, son, father, brother and the guy next door or at work. I too have let my hair get quite long and keep my body free of hair. Many of my clothes are female but pass as male. My wife is acceptant of my female side and somewhat supports it. I have started HRT and someday would like to have SRS. But I want the SRS more for me than to show the world I'm a woman. Let's face it no matter what the plumbing is downstairs or if the "girls" are real or forms, you can present the same. I need it for me. When I take my clothes off and get into my bath I need to look down and see the body I should have had. If I were to wake up tomorrow and I was totally female, I would still dress mostly male for world to see. Someday That won't be the case. Eventually my male side will gone and Dana will be who everyone knows me as. For now the ones I love are more important to me than I am to me.

[Melissa_59]

If I lived in a world where people didn't judge you based on your clothing, I'd never wear men's clothing again.

After considering this question for a while, I'm not 100% positive that this would make me completely happy. Sure, it would be better, as in "better than having people violently confront me (it has only happened twice and both times were enough to put me off going out in public - oddly, both times were women confronting me) but I don't know if I'd be completely happy.

At this point I don't know if it's because I think that if I was fully female, then dressing how I want wouldn't make waves (and that perhaps drives my dreams to be female) or if it's because I really honestly do believe I was born in the wrong body.

I'm so far along in life though that I'm not making any surgical changes. Being "full time" will remain a fantasy of mine, simply because it would be upsetting to too many people who know me. It's amusing that my youngest daughter (who is 29) also has this "don't rock the boat" mentality. I really wish she'd leave the guy she's with, but that's a different subject.

I think being able to wear what I want, when I want, and live without having to resort to martial arts to defend myself would be great. But then again if you go to the wrong place in the world right now, you can be violently confronted for any number of reasons. I guess what I'm saying is this is risk management, that right now this is something I have some sort of control over, vice just "being in the wrong place at the wrong time during a shoot out" or "wearing a US flag in the Middle East" or something.

Not sure what I mean to say. I guess I'm as mixed up as the next person. Did I answer any questions at all?

Probably not.

~Melissa

[Taylor Ray]

Now I realize its about trying to make my brain accept who I am.

Well said! For me, the process of coming to terms with my 'brain' (or 'authentic self') involved asking questions like this for many years. It can be a confusing journey with many twists and turns! The more I came to know my authentic self, the easier it was to cope and 'keep it at a level'.

Over the last 5 years I have begun to understand that for me, I prefer to identify as 'gender-queer' as opposed to 'transgender', owing primarily to the fact that I am not at conflict with my biological body. Also, I enjoy being in the 'female-role' sexually with other men.

So I am not sure I am a 'regular cross dresser', as most under this label report being strictly heterosexual.

[Stephanie47]

I started dressing in the same manner as you. As a teenager there was some sexual aspect to it. With some hindsight I now consider the sexual play no more and no less than any hormone raging teenage boy having a good time with Five Finger Rosy. It was purely sexual enhancement. However, it did produce a lot of sexual angst. The 1960's were not a favorable time for any sexual minorities. I figured if I was dressing in my mother's clothing, I must have been a homosexual because that's what society threw out there back then. Yes, it created some degree of sexual identity issues.

I came to realize I was not a homosexual. I was all male except for the dressing. It took a while to accept that aspect of me, although I still do not know what drove me to be a cross dresser. Today, it is a part of me that feel very comfortable emerging whenever Stephanie wants to come out to play. I use to say wearing women's clothing was purely for stress relief. As a retiree my stress is down considerably. Yes, I still have some issues related to military service. However for the most part it seems Stephanie just wants to appear some times; not all the time. Even when I have a full day to be en femme, she may not assert herself. When she does you'll find her fully en femme (no blending of male and female clothing) doing domestic chores (laundry, ironing, changing the linens, vacuuming, baking, etc) or just reading a book.

When my wife and I were watching the latest NBC news programs concerning transgender boys and girls, my wife stated she firmly believes those kids were of the other sex in a past life. I'm not one to fully accept that belief, but, it may explain why a full blooded boy and man likes to wear women's clothing. Maybe that should be the subject of another thread.

[jeank]

So if I address the original question -


For those of you who are just consider yourself a regular crossdresser, I would love to know how you cope and keep it at a level that you can handle.

I guess I'm just a "regular crossdresser" - i.e I enjoy dressing, but it is very much a part of being me - a heterosexual male. I am closeted (including to my SO) and intend to stay that way. I have no desire whatsoever to transition or be full time. I think I'd like to go out and socialise at some point but it is not a pressing need.

This means that my dressing time is limited to periods when my wife is away. Like now actually (yes I am dressed as I write). So probably 3 or 4 times a year for periods up to a week.

Is this ideal?

No. I'd like to be able to dress when the fancy takes me, but reality gets in the way.

Is it a big problem?

Not really - the times I get to dress I go 24/7 for 2 or 3 days and then I find I've scratched the itch and can function again. The issue I struggle with is that I go pretty anyway when the chance presents itself, regardless of whether I really feel like it at the time. I do find that even if I am not really in the mood, as soon as the breast forms get glued on, then it just feels....... well so relaxing.

So I suppose the answer is that I cope with it by knowing that I will get some dressing time at some point not too distant, and my wife's travel plans manage it - I don't have to :)