talking about it.

[cdsara]

My so brought up the CD subject the other night which is odd because it's a dadt type of thing. She wanted to know if I was still doing it. I said sometimes and her comment was well you need to figure it out. Choose it or her. She said she doesn't care if I do it, but if that's what I am going to do she is not attracted to that and doesn't want to be married to me. So now I am going to go back to the therapist and try to decide what to do. Should I suck it up and try to burry all this forever or move on and break up my family. She said she wants me to be happy and doesn't want me to resent her for making me stop if that's what I want but not with her. Its tough I have 2 beautiful children and I love my wife. But ......
This is the first time I have ever consider a divorce. I don't know what to do. Sorry for rambling.

[kimdl93]

seems that there is more here than meets the eye. I would suggest that the two of you promptly seek out a marriage counselor. If this was about CDing alone, it would be rather odd, because her question suggests she wasn't aware that you continued to 'do it'. It may be that there are other issues that have lead her to conclude that this is an easy way out.

You and she owe your children more than to make either or, black or white decisions on the survival of the family.

[Pat]

Oh, no. That's a horrible choice. I have no answers only sympathy.

[AllieSF]

Tough situation to be in. By all means talk with your therapist. I understand that these situations are much more common than a lot on this site want to believe, and that there are no easy answers or proven paths to follow. There are a lot of paths, but what works for one may not work for someone else. As many here will say, good communication, open and honest, is the key start. If you do not have a good process for that, ask your therapist what they recommend. The ability to talk openly and maturely, read ... with no over the top reactions and arguing, is essential. Since your wife brought it up, it appears that she may have been thinking a lot about this probably over an extended period of time. You don't say how your overall relationship is going, but if it is on a fairly good foundation, then maybe you can work through all this. If not, maybe this is the added straw to that other negative baggage that is leading her to say that.

What gets me about your wife's statement to choose her or your CDing, is that there can be a lot of other options as both parties compromise to keep the good working relationship still working and together. It does not have to be just an either-or situation. Not being attracted to your dressing could be compared to not being attracted to your golf, or hunting and fishing or your tennis activities. Though those activities do not necessarily reflect back to how you self identify or are identified by others, your crossdressing does. She may be very worried as to where this may be going and would rather not struggle down that path of self discovery with you. You probably have already thought about this, but it just sounds a bit cold and dry, when something as important as a relationship and what breaking up that relationship can do to both parties, children, friends and family. I wish you the best of luck and try to get you wife in counseling too with you. Maybe you can find a good relationship therapist who understands the situation and as a trained professional can help your wife see the other options can and do actually work for others in a similar situation.

[Kate Simmons]

For myself, I have determined that the only way to truly "beat" the process of CDing is to make it a conscious choice of whether to do or not. Otherwise it takes on a mind of it's own, not necessarily to my benefit.:)

[mykell]

hi Sara,
their is a lot of transgender topics coming up in the media lately, most of the folks are transitioning, maybe some fear has come into play for the mrs.,
topics coming up at the workplace and her social circles more than usual these days perhaps....may have her thinking the worst case for her interests,
therapy or a heart to heart talk, knowing that this is not something we just quit makes this decision unrealistic and unfair for anyone to make, like a trick question,
she doesnt have to be attracted to "it", she had to be attracted to something if she said yes, is that still there.

when children are in the equation it complicates everything, makes all the tough decisions tougher....but staying together just for theyre sake will never be fair to you or the mrs. or your babies...
i hope you are able to make some lemonade from that big ole lemon....

[RADER]

Like Kim said, there must be more to it. It sounds like she wants a divorce
anyway, and the CD thing is just an excuse to get it.
What ever you do, you might think of getting a Lawyer, they can advise you
on the best way to go, so you can still see your kids.
Many wives try to use the kids as leverage against you, do not let that happen
Good Luck.
Rader

[Jodi]

She wants out, and the cd is a convenient excuse.

Jodi

[giuseppina]

I'm inclined to think the dressing is a convenient scapegoat. There has to be something else going on. While this is not meant as a disparaging remark, she may have issues of her own, for example, body image issues, that are not helping matters.

I would be insisting on her going with you to a qualified and licensed mental health counsellor. If she refuses, go and see a solicitor to learn/confirm your legal rights in your situation.

I'm not the most qualified to make this statement (no relationships), but the last time I checked, part of marriage is accepting that a partner likes to do something the other doesn't like providing it is harmless.

Crossdressing need not be a dealbreaker.

[ptp009]

I reached that point when I forty years old, I had enough of the duality of the lifestyle, my family was first and I could purge and just go away. My wife knew was not happy about it but tolerated it. I wish it was that easy to say no more but two years later I was still dressing and finally figured out that THIS DRESSING THIS NEED was never going away, whether it was triggered by seeing a woman dress or watching something on TV I got back into it and still today am dressing. Two things I learned I had to make peace with my wife and the dressing will never go away. Whether that was some plan to work it out or ultimately divorce. This was my second marriage and I didn't want to lose my family but the drive the need to dress is so strong that if I didn't accept it make peace I would become a basket case. For me I made an agreement with my wife I didn't dress fully at home, I didn't let the kids know. I wear some clothing at home never in our town. that was twenty years ago we are still together Happily I think.

Someone here said maybe this is an excuse for a divorce, it might very well be but Whatever the case whatever anyone says ITS NOT GOING AWAY!! Talk to a professional. We'll pray for you. HUGGS....Jenn

[Tina955]

Sara, first of all my heart goes out to you as I was in the same situation many years ago with my wife. In my case, I elected to stop any and all CDing to save my marriage. A couple of things that made me make that decision, was the fear of losing the woman I loved, and the fear of being alone possibly for the rest of my life as I am not the kind of guy who easily hooks up with women. Also the fact that she might out me to my 2 children and my family, that could have put me in a situation where thinking of ending my life would be the only answer. This was just me, you might be more able to cope with the break up if you decide that is the route you are going to go.
As others have mentioned, counseling for the both of you sounds like good advise. But the counseling would have to be with someone who is familiar with GD and CDing.
Of course we are all different, but even tho I held the marriage intact, I was generally a miserable person for the remainder of the marriage until my wife passed away. Then all the flood gates opened and now I not only have been crossdressing, but I have full blown GID. The envy I have of women is making me depressed.
So not to keep rambling on, just wanted to give you some food for thought since I was in the same situation. Unfortunately, no easy answers. But if you really love your wife even tho she is giving this ultimatum, counseling is the way to go, and at least that should show if your wife is actually looking for a way out.
Wishing you the best during this trying time, and hope you do find some happiness in however things turn out.
Hugs, Tina

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, This will not end good for you bring controlled by this manipulating woman
it's my guess that you give her an inch she will want to take a mile.:hugs:

Crossdressing is just like the Mafia, You just can't quit and walk away.:daydreaming:

[Suzie Petersen]

Life is about priorities. You cannot have it all unfortunately and if anyone promised you that you would have nothing by happiness, they were probably lying!

I dont believe the desire to dress is a choice, but I do believe that acting on the desire is. Not for the TS, no, but for most of us who fall in the CD group, yes.
It might not be an easy choice to make, but if your marriage and your children are important enough to you, you can chose to not act on your desire to dress up.

You will probably not be able to stop the desire nor the thoughts, dreams, etc etc, but .. you can chose to not act.

Your wife might have a secret motivation and use this as an easy out, but I do believe that for some (probably many) women, this is just something they simply cannot live with, no way, no how.
If thats how your wife feels, no amount of therapy or talking will change it.

It is a matter of priorities!
I was faced with the same choice and I chose to keep my family.
Was it easy? Nope. Has the desire gone away? Nope.
But, I made a choice and I live with what I gave up because what I gained was worth it.

- Suzie

[NicoleScott]

You are not breaking up the family. She is. She is the one who issued the ultimatum. Not that assigning blame really matters.

[cdsara]

Thanks for all the support. It nice to talk to people that have been through this. She is just sure that cding is a gateway to transitioning. I did tell her at one point I wished I was a girl, but I don't want to transition. I just like dressing up! She said she's afraid 10 years down the line I will be angry and miserable and hiding it again. Then I will tell her I want to transition and want a divorce. I told her I don't want that but she's been following Bruce Jenner on TV and thinks that will happen to me.
Boy for a very open minded person she sure isn't accepting of this in our relationship

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, nothing has changed between you, clearly. Unfortunately, the choice she is asking you to make is not really a choice. She is doing this for her, not for you. You choose wrong and it is your fault that you separate. She wins.

I think it is imperative that she join you at your therapist appointment. Not to talk about cross dressing but rather for her to understand what it is that she is asking and why it is not reasonable.

[JayeLefaye]

What Jennifer said!

If she is willing to go to therapy with you, then it means she's willing to learn and see where it leads.

If she's not willing to go, then it seems that she is just being manipulative by handing out ultimatums.

Wishing you the best, Sara.

Jaye

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I agree with Kim, it sounds like she's using the crossdressing as a 'gotcha' for basic dissatisfaction. However getting her to admit this, possibly even to herself, isn't going to be easy.

Good luck Sara.

[Marcelle]

Hi Sara,

While advice from others is always a good sounding board for many thoughts you probably already have seeking the advice of a professional marriage counselor (preferably one who specializes in TG issues and marriage) is truly the best way to go. Now I am not sure if your wife is willing to enter couples therapy and if she is, I would act on it sooner than later. I do tend to agree with the statement made by Mikell in that there is a lot of TG stories in the news these days and it always about "transitioning" and perhaps your wife feels that you plan to transition some day. Being in a DADT relationship as you mentioned, I am not sure how much you and your wife have talked about this. If she is willing perhaps talking some of this out may alleviate any angst.

Divorce is a serious ultimatum and while many will offer a "what you should do" . . . remember this is based on personal opinion and individual experience and may not meet your needs. There may be more than just your CDing driving this and that is why couples therapy IMHO is probably your best route . . . this might help open any closed communication routes.

Hugs

Isha

[Raychel]

So sad, that you are in this position, and that is exactly
why so many crossdresser stay in the closet,, :sad:

I hope you can get it sorted out and you and your family end up happy. :praying:

[Tina_gm]

You have apparently done your part very well with the dadt arrangement. Well enough she had to ask if you were still dressing. I am finding it odd that she now feels that an arrangement she agreed to, andone you abided by so well it never affected her one bit is now grounds for divorce.

As others have mentioned, a real possibility she is using this as grounds when there are other factors. Unfortunately for you though. She can always use it and get a whole lot of sympathy and agreement from family and friends that her divorcing you for.CDing is justified.

There is another thought though. One of the problems with a complete dadt arrangement is that her mind mat run rampant with possible outcomes, a lack of understanding what it means to you and a fear you will one day need to transition.

I would bet on it being other factors at work 1st, or foremost, but I wouldn't be surprised if my second thought came into play to some extent.

[carhill2mn]

As others have mentioned, the possibility of a divorce is quite likely. In addition to seeking counseling, I would suggest that you contact a good divorce attorney for advice as to how to prepare your circumstances just in case. There are many issues (especially when children are involved) for which it is good to be prepared and have a plan of action. Money and debts are big ones.

[avant1465]

My guess? She's decided that she is splitting from you... .and THIS is the "opening salvo".... She might well have already found her NEXT Hubby.. and, now, she wants to hurry up and become "available."

[Teresa]

We all know you're caught in the CDing trap ! You can't make promises about your dressing because you will eventually suffer so much from trying to stop and yet it looks as if you're making a selfish decision over your wife and children !
I guess your wife will have to think about about the pros and cons of her and the children living without you ! The assumption is that there isn't another reason and she's using your CDing as an excuse !
I've eventually found that despite my CDing my family think enough of me as a husband, father and now grandfather to accept whatever I'm struggling to live with to let me get on with it !

[Rhanda]

I knew a man who lost his wife to divorce because he was overweight. He went on a diet and was starting to lose weight and he was served the papers anyway.
It turned out at the divorce hearing that she had a completely different set of circumstances There wasn't anything that could have saved that marriage. She was married to another man six weeks after the divorce was final. I hope this isn't your fate.

You can stop dressing for a test of her intention. Don't promise anything. Just tell her that you have quit "PERIOD". Say nothing more.

Make her come clean with her intentions. She most likely is fishing for a reason to end the marriage and this is something that she can get sympathy because it is uncommon for people to understand.

You have to make her know that your marriage and family is important to you.

Good luck, Rhanda

[cheryl reeves]

when i read your post to my wife,she said your wife is being selfish and looking for a reason to divorce you and ruin your life. she said for you to tell your wife ultimatums do not work,for they are designed to take control and stay in control. whats next a new car or divorce,spending sprees for her or divorce. think about it.

[karinels]

I sympathise and empathise with you, Sara. You are in a very difficult situation. I truely see both yours and her side to this. 1998 I started to date who I thought was the best, most beautiful girl I ever had the priviledge to know. We started dating and late 1999 i came out to her as being a cd. She took to it very well at first. supported and stayed with me for 5 years, but then reallity hit her before i realised myself what was happening. Short story long, lol, we broke up in 04, in 2012 i had enough of curiosity and finnaly started meeting with men. By no means am I saying you will do the same, but that is my story, and my ex knew that would happen years before i was willing to admit it to myself, let alone admit it to anyone else. Like I said, I see both sides in your situation, and do not envy you at all. Marrage counseler, therapist, whatever you decide to do now, I truely hope for the best for you and your family. And I also agree that there is more ts/ tg/ cd issues being publicised nowadays that folks are going to start being aware of possibilities. I am not saying it is a good thing for everyone at this time, but it is a step in the right direction for alot of us. Some will suffer, others will advance, but in the long run, it is evolution and the outcome will be better for everyone.

[MissTee]

It would be my hope the both of you could find and consult with a good marriage counselor, preferably one who understands CD-ing. Best of luck to you.

[cdsara]

Well its a roller coaster here now.last night we talked and she doesn't want to lose me. She is on a wife support group now and is going to try to be accepting. She is going to let me underdress at night and see how it goes. We will see.

[jjjjohanne]

I would seek a marriage counselor. If she thinks you can just up and stop, then she doesn't understand crossdressing. (At least not the way it has played out in my life.) She wants you to change. Probably, everyone has to change. A counselor can hopefully help you two find the path to peace on this. In any case, the counselor should help you two talk about this constructively.

[Tina_gm]

Good news Sara that your wife went to the cliff and decided not to jump. While they are a bit extreme, her reactions are not all that uncommon. When I 1st told my wife about wanting to dress, and how I have felt all my life, she went through a lot of emotional turmoil. She questioned to herself if she could stay married to me and if she should. There were a couple of rough moments where there was some real negative comments, and even one of name calling. That was very early on.

I have never been in a true DADT agreement. With my wife and I, it is that I do not dress in her presence, or make it so blatantly obvious, leaving clothes out etc etc. In a true DADT arrangement, one of the downfalls besides a lack of knowledge of what may be happening with you, is that a DADT agreement sort of never gets out of that initial phase. There was the shock, the emotional upheaval aspects, the doubts, insecurities, trust issues which don't get worked through well because then everything goes silent.

I am still in favor of DADT agreements, I believed they have likely help keep many marriages intact for members on this site. What needs to happen before a DADT agreement can be set in place is for the wife to be able to be comfortable with what is going on with you, from an emotional standpoint anyway. She doesn't need to know what you wear, what you have or things like that, but she needs to know as much as you do, what CDing is for you. Are you a guy in girls clothes... dual gender or do you identify as female... Without knowledge of the difference of those, and knowledge of where you are on those, DADT can be a very tricky road for wives I would imagine.

One thing I would advise... is that while she is giving the green light for night time underdressing, I would not go there every night. Sometimes, give her the reassurance that you are still her husband, and at night, that can be one of the most crucial times. Especially if she has had a bad day, or if things in general are a little bumpy. I can't say I am not guilty of this or haven't been in the past myself... but I have learned that sometimes we shouldn't always be pressing right up against the agreements. Pull back every now and then and do it on your own. Just as we sometimes need that break to dress or just express ourselves, many wives need a break from this, and just want the husband they married without the issue. When I offer up time where I express myself or dress for her, she will often repay me in some small but very meaningful heartfelt way. One last word of advice, please go very slow with all of this. Read of many members who have a solid marriage AFTER a reveal, and it often takes years to get to solid ground. It won't happen in a few weeks or a few months. good luck.

[char GG]

Gendermutt gives good advice. Be careful not to go overboard with the underdressing or bedtime dressing. That can quickly become a turn off for some GG's. My guess is that she is afraid she will lose the man she married.

[Nati]

Aymen Allie!!!

[cdsara]

she said last night she is fine with bras and panties but nothing else. then she said as long as the bras don't have cups. so she is thinking like plain sports bras or camis. But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.

[Sharon B.]

I agree with others that are saying there is more to it then just the CD'ing. She is using that as an excuse for a divorce. My ex-wife told me I had the problem that she didn't need to see anybody for counseling, even though I had thought we worked out our differences I was still serve with divorce papers, then she proceeded to call my family and to tell them about the CD'ing. For the most part they knew there were other problems and she was using that as an excuse.

[Di]

Glad you both are trying to sort it out and not get divorced.

she said last night she is fine with bras and panties but nothing else. then she said as long as the bras don't have cups. so she is thinking like plain sports bras or camis. But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.


You wife is trying to tell you what she can take and you say that would not be as much fun ( sport bra or cups...)
AND if you should agree then negotiate later.:brolleyes:

Please read again


Gendermutt gives good advice. Be careful not to go overboard with the underdressing or bedtime dressing. That can quickly become a turn off for some GG's. My guess is that she is afraid she will lose the man she married.


I might be wrong and hope I am....but from the little info here it sounds like your wife is telling you what she can take and you really do not care ... and maybe you always push for more .Hope I am wrong.
Please make it about both of you.....that works...you can grow through this together.:love::hugs:

[Suzie Petersen]

... But that's not much fun. I don't know if I should agree and then negotiate more later or if that's just lying.

If you already know you are not going to honor that agreement, then yes, that is very close to lying. It would be better to tell her that you are not sure you can stick with that, but that you are willing to try. That leaves the door open for later talks.

Btw, I am with Di about this. Your wife is apparently making an effort to try and find a middle ground and it sounds like you are already working on how to get around the compromise. Not good.

I am a little confused about some of what you are saying. At first it sounded like your wife had trouble accepting that you sometimes dress up in secret and was going to divorce you if you did not stop. Then, a few days later, she is OK with you wearing female clothing in bed?? For most wife's I have ever heard of in this situation, womens clothing in bed was about the last thing they would be OK with!

Gendermutt's advise about being careful not to overdo it is very good too.

- Suzie

[Allsteamedup]

Sara, It must be a couple of years now since your wife became aware of your dressing. In that time you did some very unwise things. You live in a State not well-populated where men are very manly. You chose not to tell her about your dressing before you married and now you have two children.

Your wife was offering you respect when she asked if you could/would make a choice between her and the dressing. She wants to be the woman in your family. And yes, the amount of news coverage transgender issues is receiving at the moment is enough to make a young wife and mother consider what her future holds.

Your wife needs to feel secure in this relationship. I am guessing that your dressing has had a deleterious effect on your sex-life. Most young women are very choosy about this. For this reason under-dressing in the bedroom may not be the way to go.

Your wife's chief concern may be hiding this from your children. Perhaps you can discuss this with her.

[cdsara]

Suzie,
Yes I am confused also. It changing every time we talk. So I just keep talking and I will see where it ends up. I keep asking about her feelings. She seems OK right now and even said I should go buy a few new things and gave me one of her old bras. I think she's testing to see if I go crazy with it. I am holding back right now and just talking a lot.

Also the dressing while we sleep is limited to under my PJs and she doesn't want to see it. She goes to bed before me and is usually asleep when I come down.

[rosetyler]

CDsara, what has your wife said when you raise the possibility of counseling?