Soul Searching and Realizations...

[Christie Camelle]

Ok, so I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have come to the conclusion that I was simply born wrong. I have two sisters and a brother living and a brother we lost about 6 years ago. All of my siblings are overweight. I mean several hundred pounds. My oldest sister is pushing 400 lbs easy. My living brother is near that. The one who passed away was well over 400. My younger sis is a good 200 lbs. And they all have health issues.

I am the forth child and I am 5'9" and maybe 160. I could easily lose down to 135 or 140 if I tried. My health is near perfect for a 48 year old. I dressed today for the first time since Halloween. Full makeup, hair done. I looked pretty nice. It felt... normal. I even drove to pick my older sis up at work while dressed (she is my only family member who knows and is very supportive). When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad was sure I was going to be a girl. My name is the name he had picked out for me had I been born female.

I have been a closet dresser since I was about 12 years old or so. I could never understand why I liked dressing in girl's clothes better than boy's stuff. I played all the normal boy games and such, but I was a runt. I was never the first picked for the teams and it didn't bother me. Still, something felt awkward. I have always been very sensitive, emotionally. Some songs make me cry. I love to watch a good love story movie. I am one of the few guys who will admit to having watched "The Notebook" and liked it. (sensitive... I'm crying as I write this)
A few years ago, I started dressing more at the encouragement at my then girlfriend. She helped build my confidence and that time frame was the first time I used makeup and wigs. We would go out together and have girls' nights out. When we broke up, I did my first purge and almost immediately regretted it. I have since added an item here and an item there until I have a decent, yet small wardrobe and accessories.

I have never considered myself gay (I consider myself an ally), but I had two experiences with men in recent past. One was purely sex thing and the other was, well, with a bi guy who I adored. He was a casual CD. He moved away not long ago, so... anyway. I have recently thought about the sexual aspects of my dual life. I have concluded, as I am sure some of you have as well, that I am "bi when dressed" or something to that effect. When I dress for Halloween, I get hit on by both men and woman. What a rush! God, if I could only feel that every day of the year!

All this being said, I have concluded that I am not so much a CD as a trans woman with no hope for a normal, happy life. I am trapped in this body due to finances, age, location, and circumstances. I would love to meet either a woman who appreciates my femme side or a man who is like minded. Oh, to be in love! I have been there before, but only in part. This true side of me has been neglected and will most likely never find love. I have been the protector, the provider, the man of the house... I would love to feel that again. Or I would love to lie down next to my soul mate, curl up against him, and feel weak and timid and loved and protected.

I don't know how many of you do this, but I tend to separate the two halves of myself, referring to each as an individual. The two parts of me are symbiots, each being necessary to the others existence . And alas, poor Christie is imprisoned within the walls of a body that she feels alien in. She feels sad. So do I. I can't help her. All I can do is give her time to be herself and allow her to live her life as best she can. If only I knew then what Christie knows now...

Thank you all for letting me vent.

[Jean 103]

Its OK to vent I have only recently been getting out more, like the last few months and have two casual boyfriends. One local and one out of state, if the out of state one was closer I wouldn't have number one. Don't give up , just be open and I am sure you will find someone or they will find you. If you need someone to talk to pm me.
Love Jean

[Teresa]

Chistie,
As far as your brothers and sisters are concerned you're the lucky one, you don't carry excess weight, you can control your figure so when you dress you can look good, and feel happy with that ! Maybe instead of separating the two halves you should try and integrate them more and just to say I'm Christie whether you present male or female !
Feeling good about yourself is soon picked up by others and things start to happen ! OK easier said than done when money is tight !
Does it matter at your age if all your family knows or not why not take the weight off your shoulders and tell them, your sister is OK with ! Most of the fears are in our minds not others !
I just hope you can get your gender thoughts sorted so you can find a soul mate and be happy !

[Katey888]

That's such a touching declaration of your thoughts and feelings Christie - I'm sure you realise you're probably not alone here in what you express, although we're all alone in having to deal with those feelings as individuals... :hugs:

It seems to me that you do have some balance and harmony in your world - and that has to be a Good Thing... :) just don't give up on the 'lurv' thing... remember that "all things come to (s)he who waits..." I've often found that someone romantic comes along when you least expect it in life, and sometimes when you're really not trying... Be patient, and just keep being you... :D

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Christie,

A very touching declaration to be sure. This thing we do can be very confusing and as we move along we all tend to find where we sit on the spectrum. Many will stay feet firmly planted in the CD side of the house and some will camp out in the TS side of the house. However, for many here we tend to be somewhere along the path, not truly belonging to one group or the other. This is not to say we won't land in one spot at some point. From your post, it appears you identify more with being TS and that is a positive step forward in your growth and no so much venting. WRT relationships and romance . . . hang in there.

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

You've made an assessment of yourself which could help you....but then ended with a lament that you're imprisoned by finances, age, location and circumstance. the momentary venting may be cathartic,Mobutu don't allow yourself to stay there. With the understanding you achieved,begin to build a life that brings your disparate parts into one whole person. You have plenty of time.

[MissTee]

I have reached a point in my life where I understand my needs and am content with my need to dress. Yet, oh how I remember those days of self doubt and reflection that spanned several decades. I didn't have this forum or anyone to vet to, either (even though my wife is supportive I spared her the drama.) It is good and normal and common to reflect as you have here. Thanks for sharing and best of luck to you, CC.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Christie I feel for you , what you are describing is a tough situation but perhaps you can take comfort in that you are not alone.

Have you seen a therapist? Do you have insurance that covers mental health?? You made some conflicting statements in your OP in that you feel you are transsexual and trapped but other times you talk about a male and female side..

that means you should spend some time exploring who you are.... it should make sense to you that knowing who you are gives you the best chance of finding love that lasts...your lover will want to know who you are ...

try not to consider being small or feeling emotional because those confuse the real point which is your identity as a human being....

anyway, if you can get into therapy it would be a huge help for you...it will help you understand your options which i guarantee are better than being trapped forever...it surely feels that way but you have to step out of that rut and take even small action to make your female side more meaningful and that in turn will help you understand how important that is to you ...

[Christie Camelle]

Kaitlyn, the separation is not a conflict. It is a female mind in a male body. It may sound contradictory, but it makes sense to me. Thank you all for the kind words. *smiles* Time will tell.