Transitioning is what it is

[VickiTheGamer]

I have read posts and other website stuff about transitioning and I just don't understand what the big deal is.

I mean, so many people I have met in chats and forum's are like, "when are you going to tell everyone?". Why do I need to? I am changing. My body is changing. As these changes happen, so will my life. People will figure it out on their own without me having to step up into their face and say it.

If I were a women and had long hair and each month over a 2 year period I cut it just a little bit more every day until, the end of those two years I had a shaved head, I would not have to say anything. For those that ask, I would say what ever it is that I felt I wanted to say but in the end, it's getting shorter and shorter and shorter. Accept it. It is happening, slowly. Slowly enough that people adjust to it. If it is that important that someone know what's going on, they will ask.

Do I have a problem saying I am Transgender? At this point in my life, yes I do. BUT, as the changes progress I will eventually be living as a women. When that time comes, I won't have an issue with it. I will be happy to say it, to ....admit to it if that is what you need to hear. Because by that time, I WILL be ready to face the issues I will have with family and those people I have loved and hoped love me back.

At this time though, I just don't want to face the issues I will have with family. Not yet.

[stefan37]

Well when you finally accept that you are transsexual and finally need to disclose to your family, friends and your work. You will then understand what the big deal is.

It's easy to blur gender cues and live as male. When you are ready to pull the trigger, change your name, and live your life authentically and have society reflect that gender back to you. You will then realize what the big deal is. Until that time you are living in a world of fantasy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yep...

Transitioning is what it is...and you will find out the hard way what it is when you actually start dealing with it...its not about micro mannipples and bicycle seats..

you say you are not ready, i'd agree..

if you truly love those people you will focus on and work hard at helping them cope with the changes if they ever happen..

your analogy to hair length is ridiculous....if you try that with people in the real world they will not take you seriously..
frankly there is no good analogy for gender transition, it is its own thing and that is one of the things that makes it so difficult..

[Frances]

While physical changes happen very slowly, there is usually an abrupt social transition, a line in the sand. That is the point where there is only one voice, one name, and one requirement of others: that they stop misgendering you. That point often has to happen way before you look a woman to one and all. The hair analogy does not resonate with me either.

[Angela Campbell]

If you decide to transition, everyone will eventually know. Wouldn't it be better to have some control of the message? There is a period in transition that is awkward. Your name and id don't match up, your appearance isn't quite what you want, and so on. Hiding or pretending no one notices only makes things more awkward. A bit of planning helps to lessen this. But it happens and gets better.

Then again if you aren't ready to transition, then tell no one who doesn't need to know. Living in a partial state of transition will be awkward

what's the big deal? Depends on whether you want to fully transition.

[VickiTheGamer]

Hmmm.... I kinda liked the Hair Analogy.
Francis. Your input is something to think on and gives me a lot more to consider. I just have a hard time with the "Coming Out" concept instead of seeing it as moving on. Just taking the next step in growing. Yet, the paperwork, the legal stuff does pose a new perspective I didn't consider. I understand more of what I didn't before.
Sadly, Kaitlyn and stefan37's responses only made me think perhaps I should have just not put up the post or that I should take it down. Both of you came at me like an attack, rather than to share and turn this into a learning experience for us all. "Until that time you are living in a world of fantasy."

Perhaps the Devs will be nice enough to just lock this one down or just delete it. Hmmm.. perhaps I can figure that out myself.

[Nigella]

This is one thread I would love to revisit 6 months later, I sincerely hope that your OP is just like it is, but I doubt it.

[stefan37]

You flippantly post in the transsexual forum that transitioning is no big deal. Just grow your hair, go about your business and just like that you're a woman.

You get responses from those of us that have our are very far along in transition that it's not that easy and you perceive that you are getting attacked and want to hide behind the mods to delete or lock the thread.
You are correct
Growing your hair, painting your nails and dressing in female clothes is no big deal. But when you finally accept your reality and take those steps to live authentically. Guess what. It is a big deal. Very few of us come through this process unscathed.

In the event that you do NEED to transition. Hopefully for you it will be no big deal.

[Shelly Preston]

I have read posts and other website stuff about transitioning and I just don't understand what the big deal is.


At this time though, I just don't want to face the issues I will have with family. Not yet.

I think you will find the big deal is facing the issues. You say you will be ready, I hope you are.
It is rare that dealing with others ever goes smoothly. Some have had to pay a very high price due to transitioning.
e.g. family, job, friends, etc or any combination

So yes it is a big deal.

[Persephone]

Everyone has their own path and their own pace, Vicki. Each of us knows her own felings, instincts, fears, and strengths. You can listen to, and learn from, the great deal of collected wisdom here. Those who share their experiences give each of us a very great gift. But strident voices do not make one more correct than another.

I kinda like your hair analogy too, but hair length is very variable while gender is generally assumed to be rather binary. I'm not denying that there are many subtle gender markers that can be managed differently, just that the general public sees male or female as the only two choices.

The path you take in your personal journey is totally up to you. It is perfectly O.K. to walk slowly, to enjoy the flowers along the way, and even to stop for a picnic lunch now and then.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It was a critical observation about your critical observation.
Your observation was critical of something that you really don't know much about based on your posts.
The multiple similar replies you got came from experience and were in the spirit of your comment..

[Rianna Humble]

Perhaps the Devs will be nice enough to just lock this one down or just delete it. Hmmm.. perhaps I can figure that out myself.

You don't get to delete a thread just because you don't like the frankness of the answers.

You criticise Kaitlyn for pointing out that if you come to a time when you need to transition you will need to help those people you love to cope with it. I think this criticism shows just how far away you are from needing to transition or from being willing to accept support rather than cheer-leading.

[Ann Louise]

Heartbreak, sorrow, confusion, embarrassment, struggle, doubt, and fear, finally breaking through to a sense of cautious optimism and dare I say it, happiness. Honey, to me it's been the biggest of big deals. If you can get through this without near total destruction of your past life, more power to you. Good luck and good fortune.

[Megan G]

Vicki,

I really hope that it all goes that easy for you when (and if) your time comes. Yes some people have had an relatively easy go of it but for many this is a long, hard, and painful road. Many like me have lost friends and family becuase of it and I am not even close to being fully transitioned yet.

Transition is a huge freeking deal!!

Megan

[PretzelGirl]

Vicki, I am trying to understand if you are looking for a nirvana or are still at the beginning of learning the impacts of transitioning. And I don't mean that as an insult, I just don't know your story well. Even in a perfect world, it couldn't go perfectly seamless. At some point you have to say you are now Vicki, do name changes, change everything at work. The visual may just move along and you most certainly don't have to talk about unless work calls you in wondering what is up. And don't think it doesn't happen as there are probably many stories like that here.

I wish it was as easy as not being asked a thing and then the coming out was just asking people to use a new name. If that ever becomes a standard, it won't be soon. I had a great transition. But I didn't think it was going to go that way and I certainly planned everything I could to lessen the bumps and this was after not thinking for a while that I should do it at all. If you ignore the heartbreaking stories and warnings about the damage transition can do, if it then happens, it is more than staggering, it is life crushing. Understand that it is still the norm although we always work to make it less normal and more the exception.

I wish you well on your journey. I very much encourage anyone to look at the damage that has been done to others, decide if you are ready to handle those circumstances (it may very well be the circumstances be damned and you will just deal with the fallout because you have to), and if at all possible, put a plan together that includes communication to others. People do deal with things better if they are not thrust upon them, even if it is only 10% better. I would take every advantage possible.

[STACY B]

I really get what your saying that's fine for common folk an those you are not around or in contact with a lot. But, There is always a But, Close family, Boss, Job, Landlord, Anyone who knows you or that will be in your life directly a lot must know.

Maybe it's misleading to you as far as telling everyone every time you turn around? No you don't have too or Owe anyone an explanation when there not important to you. Hell I don't go around blabbing about it to everyone ether. But there will come a time you have to get out of fantasy land a face the truth if WE want to or Not.

I am just like you I am dreading it too. Most of the people close to me know, But not all are for SURE? I know there will come a time that it will come about an I will deal with it an struggle through I guess?
But it might not be a Big Deal till you get some changes that are not easily hidden? I think there are so many different stages of this an lots of us get confused on what stage the others are in? Like my Ol Daddy used to say (Yull Find Out). An I don't guess I know I will.
But I am like you in a sense, Just starting out an not looking the part hardly at all mainly leaning towards still looking male and not presenting female most of the time I wouldn't tell ether.
I went to the O.B.G.Y.N. with my letter an just her expression alone was enough for me, Being a burly truck driver an telling someone strange that you big but is really a woman is really hard, But it is funny if you think about it. An you gotta have a good sense of humor an thick skin to take this ride for the simple fact this isn't like dressing up and going to the Therapist an then going back home. You show up at the Doctors office dressed all pretty in a private setting an then she sends your but to the local Hospital for blood work there is no going home to change also they know what your in there for.
Transition isn't like CDing so all you chix out there think you can sneak around an get on HRT an no one will know don't fool yourself. You basicly have to scream to the world that you are broken an are here to get fixed no matter what people say about you.
So we might not have to tell some people you WILL have to tell the Doctors and Nurses an whoever else you come in contact with on this journey we are about to take. Maybe that's why people tell or come out so it will lighten the Blow of all the other things we have to do? Maybe telling lessens the load, Doing it now won't surprise you later. But like I said everyone is at a different stage an time.

Now you know why Nigella said what she said,,lol,,,

[becky77]

That approach just doesn't happen in the real world.

Seeing as you posted in the TS section regarding transition, I will assume you feel you are a woman and aim to transition from male to female?

There are two main points, 1) As already said, society still only sees man or woman. I can't see that changing in our lifetime. As such from family and works perspective you have to pick which side you are on. People generally don't understand and fear blurred lines.

2) Almost never, does anyone jump to the conclusion you are TS, your approach may be seen as gay, camp, midlife crisis, some new fashion fad etc etc, no one will suddenly think of you as a woman and treat you that way, you will be seen as an odd man, by the time you change your name you may have lost any credibility.

To be understood as female and TS there is little choice but to face people and illuminate them to your feelings, no one can know what you are going through if you don't tell them, you have to face this stage, it's unfair on loved ones not too. It's so very hard for people to understand us even when we have fully discussed it.
This is a big deal and if you can't face it, then is Transition right for you?

It's a bit much to say transition is no big deal, when you haven't been through it.
The fact you are trying to hold off and find ways to hide this tells me that you are scared of facing up to to it, that says you know it is a big deal? Which leads me to think you are either deluded or in denial, either way you are not willing to look at the bigger picture.

Going from a man to a woman is life changing, maybe you don't think it is a big deal but I can assure you friends and family won't see it that way.

[Frances]

It's not a question of right and wrong as much as intensity. It was too much of a big deal for me until about 39, when not facing it was more painful than remaining silent. The OP may not be there yet.

[Kimberly Kael]

I did the slow drift, appearance wise, over a number of years. It wasn't a big deal right up to the point where I wanted to change my name and ask everyone around me to accept me as a woman. That's a huge step and there are no half-measures available. As others have pointed out the gender binary is quite rigid in our culture. People have a really hard time changing how they perceive you, and it only gets harder for the ones who know you best. Of course that's exponentially more true for a lover who may object to you being smooth shaven, growing breasts, and so on.

There's also a limit to how far you can drift without wandering into uncomfortable territory where people who don't know can't readily determine your gender. It's one thing to be an obviously long-haired male. It's another thing to make people uneasy because they suspect you might be using the wrong restroom, etc.

[FurPus63]

That approach just doesn't happen in the real world.


This is a big deal and if you can't face it, then is Transition right for you?

It's a bit much to say transition is no big deal, when you haven't been through it.
The fact you are trying to hold off and find ways to hide this tells me that you are scared of facing up to to it, that says you know it is a big deal?

This is one of several posts here that I can't help but agree with. Transitioning IS a BIG DEAL! After everything I've been through the last three years I find it rather insulting to say it's "no big deal." Although I've had some amazing experiences as I've lived my life as my true-self, I've also had so much to deal with. Loss of my wife, family, friends, homelessness, you name it and I've been through it. Transitioning is tough. Hard. It takes a lot of courage, fortitude and determination.

There's so much more I'd like to say. However; much has already been said by others. Just wanted to put my "two cents" in on this topic.

[sarahcsc]

Hm.. this is a very polarizing topic.

Vicki's OP made me think about the way we interact with society at large and how this interaction could generate stress and anxiety.

I'm sure it doesn't seem like a big deal if we chose to transition secretly and never to disclose the secret by isolating ourselves in a cave somewhere. The very act of 'coming out', telling a friend, getting an official name change etc, is in essence a form of interaction with society except in a way that is honest and reflective of our true identity. It is a way to be authentic and relevant at the same time.

We could choose to grow out our hair (like I did) and not make our intentions clear but the length of our hair is hardly telling of our identities. Nobody questions my gender identity despite having long hair, but you can bet someone will approach me with questions if I suddenly turn up one day at work wearing a skirt. Its just not one of those things that society understands or tolerates.

In which case, maybe a different analogy would be more appropriate.

I have to admit, that like Vicki, I sometimes fail to see the impact of transitioning has on a person. I can only assume that the impact is huge, but I can't know for sure until I walk down the same path.

In which case, I simply default to a position of humility and remain quiet.

So you may ask, why say anything if my default position was to be quiet?

I wished to say that Vicki and I represent probably the vast majority of members here (and the rest of society) who doesn't understand transitioning the way a small minority of members do. I recognize that there is a lot of ignorance and misinformation on our part but at the same time, I do not believe we deserve to be treated with hostility.

I must admit that I am reluctant to ask questions in the transexual forum due to fears of being belittled and ridiculed even though my intentions are truly neutral.

The problem was never about choosing sides or adhering to a specific philosophy. Our problem has always been 'communication'.

We don't communicate our questions, answers and ideas in a way that is sensitive and non-threatening. As a result, we stifle some of the most interesting and potentially enlightening debates merely because of ineffective communication.

This is of course my observation and opinion and is in no way representative of what others may think.

That is all I have to say, and I shall return to my default position of being quiet.

Love,
Sarah

[becky77]

I must admit that I am reluctant to ask questions in the transexual forum due to fears of being belittled and ridiculed even though my intentions are truly neutral.


I have never seen your posts ridiculed or belittled? They are usually thought provoking and well executed.

In regard to this particular thread it is those who have gone through really serious, tough times. They are the ones being belittled.
Imagine losing family members, friends, perhaps a job, marriage, house etc etc through transition. Only for someone to flit in here and say it is no big deal. It's so very disrespectful and I do think despite that the responses are still polite.

Maybe at times some of us are a little harsh, but Transition Is a harsh path.

I worry that if someone is not heading into Transition with dread, then are they really aware of the reality of life in and after Transition?
I honestly don't think this is something you can just ease into, my transition has been relatively easy by comparison but even so it has been massively stressful. I have lost friends and without good support that I have, who knows if I would have made it through the real low points.

[PretzelGirl]

One of the problems with the written word, and especially when done in large groups, is that feelings and intents aren't always transferred in the text to match the feelings of the writer. Yes, there have been combative people here IMO. I don't think they are any of the people that are here now. But when a hot button is hit, a message of warning will probably be written with emotion behind it and can be taken in a few ways and one would be that it is an attack. Unfortunately, the good stories are still the minority. It should be the objective for us socially and legally, but it sure isn't there. So we have to take the actual transition in a manner that recognizes that.

Sarah, I love your posts. This forum would be boring without people coming in with different perspectives. I am here because I want to see it all. It rounds out our experience.

Vicki, I hope you are still here and not taking this harshly. Even if a transition goes perfectly smooth, people need to know something. They just won't go "oh, so and so is living like a woman now. Cool". They will wonder what is up. They will back off. People need to be talked to. I want you to have the 100% perfect transition. I want everyone to have that experience. But we have to look at what is happening to everyone and proceed with those experiences in mind which tell us what the potential outcomes are. I wish you the best.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is no problem. The communication here has been very effective.

The OP set the tone. The OP was not thought provoking, it was uninformed.
It showed a lack of respect, empathy, and understanding of 1000's and 1000's of posts here.

She put forth a proposition and it was roundly panned.

Based on the response, the OP was not here for a dialog anyway.

Frankly there is a need for people to hear honesty sometimes and this is one of those cases in my opinion.

There is alot of fantasy thinking and alot of non constructive thinking that goes on as people go through gender issues and head towards transition (or not)

If you are seriously considering transition, you need to get rid of fantasy thinking, and get very constructive in planning and executing plan for a great quality of life
If you don't, you have a high risk of a bad result.

[Michelle.M]

Vicki, I’m sorry that you feel like you’ve been beat up here but these responses are right on. And honestly, they’re a bit more genteel than others generally receive in similar threads.


I have read posts and other website stuff about transitioning and I just don't understand what the big deal is.

And that’s why people have paid so much attention to your post. You should go back and re-read those posts and threads. We DO understand what the big deal is, and if you hang around here long enough you’ll understand as well.

The hair analogy is amusing but totally off the beam. Growing out or cutting off hair doesn’t change gender, it only affects your appearance and it has no impact on who you are. This is a problem with those who may be contemplating transition. They get hung up on the outward effects and not on the introspection that makes for a successful transition. Once you get this, you’ll understand what the big deal is.

Nobody really cares about the length of your hair. But people are, whether we think it's justified or not, very concerned about how you conform to their own ideas about gender. Once you get this, you’ll understand what the big deal is.


I mean, so many people I have met in chats and forum's are like, "when are you going to tell everyone?". Why do I need to? I am changing. My body is changing. As these changes happen, so will my life. People will figure it out on their own without me having to step up into their face and say it.

Most of the people in your life may not need, want or merit a discussion with you. I initially and formally came out to 3 people - my son, my brother, and my best friend. Everyone else has been told on an as-needed basis depending on the circumstances. The overwhelming majority of the people I deal with daily have no idea of my gender history, but it’s not exactly a secret. But I do disclose and have good reasons for doing so all the time.

Why will you need to disclose? Because there are (hopefully) people in your life who are important to you, and your gender journey is also their gender journey. Don’t be a d!@k. Take care of the people you care about and help them make the journey in a healthy and constructive way.

And there are practical matters, such as workplace issues, driver’s licenses, mail delivery and pretty much anything else that identifies you by name and gender. Or did you think that the world is just so eager to pick up on your subtle gender cues and bend over backwards to accommodate you?


At this time though, I just don't want to face the issues I will have with family. Not yet.

Fair enough. We each come to our own place where we embrace our transitions. You’re not there yet. But those of us who are there do understand what the big deal is.


You don't get to delete a thread just because you don't like the frankness of the answers.

You criticise Kaitlyn for pointing out that if you come to a time when you need to transition you will need to help those people you love to cope with it. I think this criticism shows just how far away you are from needing to transition or from being willing to accept support rather than cheer-leading.

And this, more than anything, sums up what happens when one shoots from the hip without thinking things through. I think you’ve been here long enough to understand that there is some really solid information about transition based on others’ lived experiences.

Read those threads. Learn from these women. Don’t minimize the transition experience just because you don’t understand what the big deal is.

[DebbieL]

Transition is a very long road. You have just started. I understand part of what you are saying, but you may be in for some surprises.

When I started my transition this time, I was doing RLT for 120 hours a week. I'd go to work as Rex, then come home or to the hotel and be Debbie. At first I was careful to keep the two separate. But after a while, there was some "bleeding" between the two. I'd get gels in neutral colors, but people would notice the polish. Women would give me compliments, men would say nothing. When people did ask questions, I'd just tell them "I'm transgender and transitioning", that was actually enough.

There were only a few trouble-makers at work, but they did make things difficult. There were moments when I was so uncomfortable I was getting overwhelmed. Fortunately, once I told my management that I was transitioning, they were very supportive.

The irony is that AFTER I transitioned, I was surprised at how many people WEREN'T surprised, and many who heard about Debbie couldn't wait to see me. At my high school 40 year reunion, there were 7 women there who had known me since second grade, and all 7 of them made a point of telling me that they knew I was a girl inside even back in 2nd grade. It wasn't something I could hide. They also remembered the boys beating me up, and so on. One of the guys told me he knew, and even started to ask me for a date, but wanted to know if I had had the bottom work done. I told him I was married, so he didn't need to know.

I am so astonished by how much the world has changed even in the last 30 years, or the last 20 years. 25 years ago, I started transition the first time. I lost 100 lbs, I looked good, I was reasonably pretty, and even a bit sexy. Yet, at that time, I was almost arrested for using a women's bathroom, I almost lost visitation rights to my children, and I was harassed and detained for over an hour over a broken tail light because I was out as Debbie and gave him Rex's driver's license. I even got harassed into quitting my job, even as I won 3 merit awards for outstanding results. Ultimately, I had to abort the transition to have contact with my kids.

This time, in the transition that started in 2010, things have been much smoother. When I met my wife in 2004, she knew I was transgender, but at that time I didn't want to transition because I was too fat and too old. In 2010, I realized that I needed Debbie's help to lose weight, and lost about 60 lbs. When my dad died, he told me to "Be yourself, even if that's Debbie" and spent the last week of his life falling in love with his lovely daughter. He even said "You look so much like your mother". He also explained why they didn't support my transition back when I told them.

What is funny today is when people are shocked to find out that I was a guy once. One time we were eating with 3 other couples we didn't know, and after talking for about an hour, they asked us how long we had been married. We told them when we got married and she said "But gay marriage wasn't legal back then". That's when Lee said "Well he was my husband back then". Everybody's jaw just dropped. I've had that same experience several other places as well.

When Rex went to church, people thought I was a bit strange or weird. Why was I fussing about the kids so much. But when Debbie came to church, they saw it for what it was, a granny who was missing her own grandchildren, and enjoying the children at church like they were grandchlidren. Debbie is actually more accepted and more liked than Rex was.

Transition is a long road, and there are times when it is rough, but if you lay the groundwork carefully, and plan your transition, work with your therapist, and manage the conversation, it can be much easier.

[Nigella]

If Vicki thinks that the responses in this thread are harsh, she would have been ripped a new one from some of those who decided we were too strict for their posts.

[Sammy777]

As many have said - You have yet to see mean, belittling, harsh, condescending posts in this thread thus far.

Oh Yes I made a boo boo and obviously offended people but I myself do not want to feel offended in any way! Mods Help me!
Are you kidding me?!? TWO replies that were not "You go girl" and you are crying foul??

I have no words for you that you may see a LOT here: THICK SKIN.
You better get some or you are in for a real surprise when you decide to actually transition in the real world!

If you can not handle the so-called harsh responses in this thread, then I to have to agree that you are most likely not ready for transition.

I did have a lot more to say, but I erred on the side of caution and decided to keep them to myself.

[becky77]

When I first came to the TS forum, I thought I received some harsh responses and didn't like some of the stuff I was told. Trust in someones story is also hard to come by.

Some views I still don't share but I have learnt alot and often those in your face questions ('a mirror' as someone once said), do make you think and examine stuff from another angle. We are all guilty at times of not seeing the woods for the trees.
I have changed a lot in my thinking, the thing is I was angry, scared and fragile. Sometimes it felt like there was a lack of support and I guess I kicked out sometimes, some mods may remember this lol (sorry), but i'm still here like it or not.

If you let some posts that don't agree with you frighten you off on a faceless forum? Well, how the fudge can you cope when the bad stuff happens in real land.

It's not pleasant being told you maybe wrong, but when those people have been there and done it, you have to really think on what they are saying. To dismiss it is classic head in the sand.

[Nigella]

As the OP has not looked at the forum, let alone this thread in over a week, I am closing the thread.

Vicki, just PM me or Rianna if you want this thread re-opened for you to respond to the posts made