A meetup with local crossdressers

[PaulaQ]

I had the very great pleasure on Thursday of last week of meeting up with a number of local trans people - some crossdressers, some in transition at a local bar called Vernon's here in Dallas. This is basically a straight bar. Apparently this has been going on for several years, although this was the first time I'd ever attended it. (I'd attended one other group event of the Dallas Feminine Expressions meetup group last year - but it was at Sue Ellen's, a lesbian bar.)

I went to hand out cards for the trans organization I volunteer for, and to let the ladies in the meetup know they were welcome to attend our events. But I ended up staying for the whole thing because I had a very lovely time talking with all the ladies there. The folks in the bar were great, the staff was great - it was all quite wonderful, really.

One of the things that I noticed was that all of us who were in transition tended to have several of the crossdressers sort of clustered around us, talking with us. Perhaps this was just my imagination, but my roommate noticed it as well. I sort of got the impression that some of them had thought about, or were thinking about, transition. Who knows whether or not any of them ever will, but I was glad I'd passed out my cards. You never know, I guess.

It also dawned on me that I'd never actually ventured out in public, or ever actually fully presented as female, until I came out to myself as a woman. This was only a few months prior to my transition. I was kind of envious that some of them had been doing this for years. I wish I'd done some of this in years past. I never did though. So for me, this was a pleasant enough evening - I met some really fun people, but I do a fair number of social things, and for me it was just meeting other people at a bar. I really had the impression that it was a lot more than that for the crossdressers in attendance - that some of them really needed that evening to express this part of themselves. (There was one girl there who was out for the first time.)

I really noticed it at the end, as people started to leave. For me, it was just the end of the evening. No big deal. So many of the others though looked so sad, as they left, contemplating going back to their everyday lives as men. I felt bad for them. I could relate to those feelings, at least I could pre-transition.

I am going to start inviting the group to more of my trans support group's events. I know most of them will never transition, and honestly, I think our events may be sort of tame for some of their tastes. Still, I don't suppose it hurts to be neighborly? What do y'all think?

[paulaprimo]

i think, i wish i lived near you. sounds like a very nice and diverse group.
i normally go out alone but our local group has a once a month girls night
out which i enjoy very much and i can relate to being sad at the end of the night :(
i probably would "cluster" around you also and bombard you with questions.
i dream about living as a woman and if i was younger would serious consider it.
i know they say your never to old, but i think im too old! but at age 65 bruce
jenner does inspire me... :)

[PaulaQ]

Paula - you know when you are too old to transition? When you are dead. Believe me, I very nearly experienced that for myself.

[charlenesomeone]

Paula that is uplifting and great. Thanks for relating that and for your volunteer work.

[Jenny Elwood]

Careful Paula, you're making some wives very nervous... :nailbiting:

[Lilian Sport Lover]

Very encouraging. Thanks

[PaulaQ]

Careful Paula, you're making some wife's very nervous... :nailbiting:

:heehee: Really, I just try to be of service to the community. I have no agenda. I just know how scared and alone I was when I finally had to confront my gender identity. I don't want anyone else to have to feel that way, especially when they live in a place like Dallas that has resources. So many places have no such resources whatsoever.

Look, some people in my community view crossdressers as just a bunch of fetishists, just out to get drunk and whack-off or what have you. But I just don't see it that way. I'm sure there are some folks who fit that description, and more power to them, I probably scare the hell out of them (I'm really harmless, I promise!), and they are wise to avoid me. :) I see a lot of pain in many of the CDs I've met - I can recognize, I think, similar feelings to ones I've had, just of lesser intensity. (Or perhaps the CDs in question are simply made of sterner stuff than I was.) Anyway, their experience is real, in my opinion, their pain is real, and if something I can offer is of benefit and helps someone else out, well, I feel obligated to reach out.

Besides, I enjoyed meeting everyone. I met another trans woman who I didn't know before, and several CDs. Actually it was very pleasant to see how nicely some of the ladies there were dressed. A few of the women I know in transition here could probably pick up some useful tips from the girls in the group I met at Vernon's. (Of course, not all of us care about such things, nor should we have to - but I do, and it was pleasant to be around like-minded folks.) By the way, I do want to be clear that I do not regard all the CDs I meet as folks who will transition in the future. Most won't, and most CDs aren't the same as someone like me - they don't have a moderate to strong feminine identity, and they don't suffer from GD to the extent someone who needs to transition suffers from it. But if we aren't exactly the same thing, I do feel we're related - cousins if not sisters.

A lot of the CDs there were in the closet still - their wives don't know. It's been useful hanging around here on CD.com, as I heard one of them sort of floating the idea of dropping little hints, hoping her wife picked up on her CDing, rather than either just straight up coming out, or staying in the closet. I pointed out how poorly this idea tended to work, thanks to all the posts on the subject I've read here.

Maybe I should do a lecture on "coming out to your SO / spouse" for transgender folks, both CDs and those who plan to transition? Of course, one has to wonder whether or not I'd be doing anyone a favor because of how badly my own reveal went with my ex-wife.

[Marcelle]

Hi Paula,

Very nice gesture on your part and a great story. WELL DONE!

Hugs

Isha

[Meghan4now]

Paula,

Great post. I like your tone, you sound much happier right now than a couple of months ago!

Of course the transitioning women were being flocked. Right now you're celebrities. Every one wants to know if you know Bruce (because everyone in the world in transition knows each other of course).

But seriously, it seems to me that as the TG community matures, not only are we more accepting of ourselves, but also of each other regardless of our area on the spectrum (generally). And, yes it is incredible to be able to meet someone who has gone through a journey such as yours. The good and bad both, are inspirational, even if that's not the same journey we're on. People are starting to recognize individuals value and humanity, and I think that should be celebrated. We still have a long way to go till the larger public gets to this point, but progress is being made.


So yeah Paula!

[melanie206]

You have done a great thing. Many CDs, whether they have contemplated transition or not, isolate themselves emotionally and confine their expression to dressing alone, internet fantasizing, questionable hookups etc. And for some, going out to a bar or GNO is a step in the right direction. Still, I'm sure there are many who crave the emotional contact a support can offer but need some encouragement to get there.

[Claire Cook]

Paula,

Thanks for posting this -- a wonderful story. Yes, some of the CD'ers may have been considering transitioning, but I'll bet that some were just very interested -- how do you manage your presentation, your mannerisms, and interactions with people. Some of that was probably instructive, Had I been there, I'd have "clustered" too -- because I have such admiration for those of you who have taken that big step.

And yes, I too would like to think that we are cousins, if not sisters!

Hugs,

Claire

[LucyNewport]

What is the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual? 2 years.

All joking aside, many CDs do go on to transition, and many more (myself included) have at least seriously considered it. I think it's great that you gave your evening to these ladies, and answered all their questions. If any of them are on the path, meeting someone who has overcome its obstacles is very helpful. Big get togethers are a great way for CDs to test the waters in a safe supportive place.

You are very perceptive of the CD group dynamic. I feel like I have been there. For my part, when I go out, I'm always a little bummed when the night is over and my chariot turns back into a pumpkin.

[Teresa]

Paula,
It's so good to see you out there doing a great job, I really do applaud you !!
I guess the way you describe it is we all roughly start out on the same road and we chose or have chosen for us through DADT the road we end up taking ! Some are on the right road some may have to do a U turn and some didn't read all the signs properly and I guess some feel they've driven into a dead end !
It's great you're out there to hopefully show some the way to go !
I'm still waiting on my GP's referral for gender/sexual counseling so I'm not sure which road I'll finally take yet ! Maybe I'm getting too old to take drastic action but knowing what's going on in your mind may just settle things down !
One thing my previous counselor impressed on me was try not to work on assumptions all the time, you'll just go round in mental circles !

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula sounds great and you sound like you made some friends. I know as a local CD who doesnt get out much at all if I did have a nice safe place to go I would love to attend if it fit my schedule.
By the way saw your brief appearance on the tv news the other night after the Jenner interview, nice job
Leigh

[Adriana Moretti]

Thats cool Paula....and glad you were able to make friends and possibly help out some other gals. I think you do a great job at that and hope you continue to do so. Recently I have been hanging out more and more with girls who are transitioning, or have already transitioned..not that that is the path i want to take personally, but they are just good people to begin with, I learn alot from them, and they accept me for me ... xoxo

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Great story Paula. Having recently attended a dinner with a meetup group of TG girls for the first time I can attest to the fact that is was just a wonderful experience to meet other girls that share our interests and to feel so comfortable in public and to be warmly received in an everyday restaurant full of everyday people not just the TG girls. I encourage everyone that has the interest to join a local group or travel if needed to get together on a social basis with other girls. Thanks for sharing this story Paula, your courage and your openness on the forum for a long time have helped me and I am sure many others here to gain accepttance of ourselves. Keep up the good work.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[LilSissyStevie]

Look, some people in my community view crossdressers as just a bunch of fetishists, just out to get drunk and whack-off or what have you.

I resent the implication that I'm a drunk!

[Sarah-RT]

For those who are "out and about" it may offer a nice chance to have somewhere to go and do while dressed, I think it sounds like a great idea.

I've found as I've dressed more often with my friends that know I've been gaining the urge to want to go outside, and essentially exist, I'm sure many can relate, so again Paula, I think it's great what your hoping to do

Sarah x

[Kristy 56]

Very good and informative post Paula.

[Suzie Petersen]

Sounds like you had a nice evening Paula. Also sounds like this was a great opportunity for you to meet and talk to some people who are not TS!
Just like coming to this forum, an opportunity to socialize with CD people in person, is probably very healthy and could help you better understand that end of the spectrum.

For many crossdressers, the opportunity to go past the closet door and interact with other people, is incredibly important. For many, this is something that might only happen a few times in a lifetime, for some it never happens.
Obviously, for the transitioned TS woman, going out "dressed as a woman" doesnt mean the same as it does for the closeted CD'er, so leaving the meeting/bar/event/cinema etc does not have any real significance from that perspective. But for a CD'er, out for the first time, this can be very very emotional. The logistics and mental strength that went into making this happen can be significant and it might feel like this was the last time it would ever happen. For some, it is!

In addition to you inviting the group you met to your events, you could maybe also talk to the organizers of the meetup and see if it would be OK to invite your group to visit with the CD's at the next meetup! You never know, maybe some would see that the 2 sides actually do have things in common.


Look, some people in my community view crossdressers as just a bunch of fetishists, just out to get drunk and whack-off or what have you. But I just don't see it that way.

Good! Cause that is of course pretty far from the truth, as we both know. Just like it is also pretty far from the truth that transsexuals are just a bunch of prostitutes on heroin, even though there is probably a part of the global population who view them as such.
It would be really great if you could also spend a little time educating those in your community who have such negative and wrong views of crossdressers. Such opinions are certainly not helping anyone.


But if we aren't exactly the same thing, I do feel we're related - cousins if not sisters.

Yes, thats a good way of seeing it. Of course, in some families, what you thought was a cousin might in fact be closer to be a sister than some in the family would care to admit ;) It is not a black and white issue and there is no easy test to establish if you are definitely TS or definitely not. Some might feel certain, but they might still be wrong!

IMHO, we would all be better off if we could get away from the "Us" and "Them" declarations, and that goes for all humans, not just for the transgender groups. The worst thing you can do to a group of people, is to start making some people think they are better than some others. Nothing but bad behavior comes from that.

We are all on our own individual path in life and I have never met anyone, from whom I did not learn valuable lessons, when I took the time to listen to them.

- Suzie

[Kandi Robbins]

My experience is somewhat limited, but I find it best when anyone interested is invited. That includes the broad spectrum of those of us born male who like to dress as women, regardless of how often. I have enjoyed getting to know many "types" of girls at these functions, why limit them? I think you are on the right track.

I have joked with them but there is some truth to it, I am a crossdresser and it seems that those in transition are recruiting me! I have gotten the sell at every gathering I have been to in many different cities. I know they are trying to offer advice about what they went through, but I'm just trying to still get my heeled feet under me!

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Clearly this thread is a great testamony to the diversity of our community and how important it is to share stories of our experiences with each other. Through understanding where each of us comes from we become more tolerant and accepting. I wholeheartedly agree with Suzie's point we need to get past "us" and "them" thinking in this world. Nearly every human trait and condition exists along a spectrum. The differences between us are merely in degrees. The more we recognize that the better we can communicate and find areasof agreement. Yay us for setting an example.

[kimdl93]

Your comment on the reluctance to have the evening end provides a very insightful glimpse into how many of us feel...not wanting to let go of the experience. The night might just have provided euphoria for some, and for others a life changing insight into themselves and how they envision their futures.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I'm not surprised that the CD girls were clustered around you. A large percentage have been trying to figure the why for some time, I think. Yes, some may, after talking to girls like you, decide that this is what they want. More, I think, are effectively working through a list of what they are not.

Process of elimination I call it. This is one reason I am still on this forum. Technically, I am A CD, but I don't think of myself that way, and I'm still refining and developing my own view of myself.

[PaulaQ]

Great post. I like your tone, you sound much happier right now than a couple of months ago!


Thanks Meghan. I'm doing much better, and I have to apologize for my tone a couple of months ago. I was going through my transition on the job, and also actively dealing with issues with my ex-wife, and then to top it all off, for about 5 weeks in a row, it seemed like every Thursday was "let's trigger Paula's gender dysphoria really badly day". So yeah, I was upset a lot of the time. I'm better now.


By the way saw your brief appearance on the tv news the other night after the Jenner interview, nice job


Thanks Leigh! :) I was kind of in the right place, at the right time to be offered that interview. They talked to me for 45 minutes, only to use the 30 seconds that were actually shown, lol! I was glad to do it. For one thing, I'm an attention *****. For another, I really do feel that it is important for us to be visible. Transgender people are never going to advance as long as people don't know us. Also, honestly, I tell trans women who may never totally pass that they can do this. How the hell can I do that in good conscience if I don't notify people that I'm trans, since I pass fairly well now?

If you'll PM me, I'll share some local resources with you. I think you'd like the Dallas Feminine Expressions meetup group on meetup.com. That's the one I attended, and it was really fun. I was honestly a little jealous that I'd never done gone out in public until just before starting my transition. I'd have LOVED to have been a part of such a group.


It would be really great if you could also spend a little time educating those in your community who have such negative and wrong views of crossdressers. Such opinions are certainly not helping anyone.

I do my best to correct these prejudices, or any others, I encounter. For example, I also tend to talk about bisexual people and try to combat biphobia that I encounter. I'm not, myself, bisexual, but I just can't abide bigotry. I'm going to be honest with you though, sometimes it's tough talking to people about CDs. A lot of us who are strongly binary identified (these tend to be the sorts of people I gravitate towards, just because we "get" each other), really do not understand people who are gender fluid, like CDs. Also, some local CDs really have, unfortunately, acted like asshats in the past. It's not fair at all to paint all CDs with that brush. There's always a few in every group, no matter what the group is, who are obnoxious. Also, a lot of us don't really know any CDs. So while I'd like to say all of us here in DFW who are in transition are totally accepting of CDs, that isn't always the case. Still, I'd say the majority of TS folks I know locally are very accepting of CDs.


I have joked with them but there is some truth to it, I am a crossdresser and it seems that those in transition are recruiting me! I have gotten the sell at every gathering I have been to in many different cities. I know they are trying to offer advice about what they went through, but I'm just trying to still get my heeled feet under me!

I try very hard not to do this. For one thing, it's not my place. For another, transition is not the answer for everyone. I mostly just try to be open so that folks who are feeling the need to transition know where to go for resources, information, support, and help. I'll be honest, though, I do pay attention to CDs I see who have the "please god, kill me now, I can bear this waking nightmare that is my life no longer," look on their faces. Because I know that look - I only have to remember how I used to look. Fortunately, that isn't all that common of a look!


Yes, some may, after talking to girls like you, decide that this is what they want. More, I think, are effectively working through a list of what they are not.

I believe this as well, and I think interacting with others can really help a person understand who they are. If you find "wow, I really identify very, very well with this group of trans women," well, maybe you're one too. Conversely, if you feel "what the hell is up with these people? I don't get them at all", well, maybe you aren't one.

[Katey888]

Paula - it's a great thing for you to be doing this and absolutely you should be continuing the invite.. :cheer:

I know you realise that not everyone in our community will align with the idea of supporting each other, but even as a temporarily undressed crossdresser :eek: you make me feel guilty that I don't support my local group even if I had to go along in drab... I've been thinking that for a while and I think I might trail in the masculine footprints of Mikell on this one and go along anyway.

There clearly is a gulf between TS and CD/TG in the final analysis, even if the underlying cause or condition may be related (cousins - I know some good cousin jokes for you Southerners.. ;)) - but it is important we recognise that there is some advantage to standing shoulder to shoulder even though our motivations and end journeys may be very different, in the same way as remaining the 'T' tagged onto LGB confers more benefits than disadvantages even though many may be keen to distance themselves because of the inferred relationship to sexuality. I'm sure many CDers do continue to question the matter of transitioning, particularly those who are out publicly so young as there does seem to be a resurgence of those feelings as many of us enter middle-age.

And yes, your observations about the end of the evening are very astute - I just hate those hours of creativity and effort being scrubbed off at the end of it all (on the other hand - or foot - it is great to kick the heels off at the end of an evening...) :)

Keep doing it! You are a profoundly generous and laudable asset to the community. :yahoo:

Katey x

[flatlander_48]

PQ:

To me, the thing that binds us all is that we cross the usual boundaries of gender. The only real difference is whether our needs define that as a uni-directional street or a bi-directional street to be repeated as many times as desired. In those terms, we should rally around those similarities and develop a better understanding of the differences.

I have been involved in employee affinity groups for close to 20 years. In my career, I've worked with people from 18 different countries and lived as an ex-patriate for several years. This was all by design as I asked for assignments that would take me out of the country and to different continents because I craved that experience. Every time I have come back, it is a reminder of the fact that we are more alike than different.

In a similar fashion, it is the same within the LGBT community. I've met lesbians, gay men, other bisexuals and other transgender people and we all want essentially the same things: be who we really are, be wonderfully attached to the people who love us, raise families, be successful in our chosen occupations and just Be Happy. We didn't chose to be who we are; it was a gift that was presented to us. But, in MANY cases, it took years to get to self-acceptance. Sadly, there are some who never get to that point.

So, when you go out and meet those people, it is a reminder that it IS possible to align the mental and physical images to whatever extent is needed. It doesn't say that the process is easy. It doesn't say that the road to self-acceptance is a short journey. But, what it does say is that it CAN be done. That is the message that you bring and the message that needs to be heard. And yes, if there was any doubt, it appears that you are in the right place at the right time.

DeeAnn

[Nadya]

It sounds like a great time. I can really understand the feeling of needing to connect emotionally in situations such as this. It really helps me feel normal. Of the times I've gone out dressed, having to take it all off gets harder and harder. I like how Bruce Jenner put it, I just want to have my nails painted until it chips off for a change. I totally agree. I'm not as sure as I used to be in which category I fit into but sometimes I wonder if further subdividing us into smaller and smaller groups is the right approach to making progress for TG rights.

[PaulaQ]

I'm not as sure as I used to be in which category I fit into but sometimes I wonder if further subdividing us into smaller and smaller groups is the right approach to making progress for TG rights.

It isn't. I always advocate for CDs whenever I can.

[trisha kobichenko]

thanks for all your posts and support.
regards,
trish