To those of you about whom your family already knows...

[Katie M]

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[Donnagirl]

Katie,
No one can answer that question for you. For some it's is easy and painless for others it can be catastrophic. Only you know...
Personally, I have told everyone... Friends, family, work colleagues, bikie gang members, the other dads at my kids sport, in fact anyone who will hear me... For me a number of factors came into play... Firstly I needed to show I did not present a risk of blackmail or coercion. Secondly, I tried keeping hidden from all but my wife but this just became too restrictive. I'm a 100 mph kind of person, for me it's all or nothing...
Finally, I realised this wasn't going away and it thought that I might as well make the best of it!!!
So we each have reasons for and against. I think I've been particularly lucky in that I've not lost a friend, had a negative comment or experienced anything negative... A good counsellor and a good psych help coz the journey is a roller coaster of emotions...
Being 'out' has been good, has been bad... It's made it easier in some respects, harder in others...
There are a number of posts worth searching for and reading, but, please do not be pressured into anything,follow what you know in your heart to be true...

[Marcelle]

Hi Katie,

I am similar to you in that I am stuck between the male and female moving back and forth depending on my mood. I discovered this when I finally came out after 32 years of suppression. I agree with Donna that nobody can tell it is a good thing as our own circumstances will dictate if and to whom we should come out. The thing about outing yourself to whomever (wife, SO, family, friends) is being able to answer this one question IMO . . . If you told someone and they decided to let everyone else know, would you be okay with that? That is the question I had to answer before I outed myself to the world writ large and now everyone including work knows. As to whether it makes it easier or not? Again that is particular to your own case. For me it is easier because I can be who I need to be and if someone spots residual make-up, runs into me in a store or soon . . . sees me at work. I don't have to worry about long winded explanations. However, this suits my current life and may not be similar to your own.

Hugs

Isha

[Katie M]

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[Marcelle]

Katie,

I have to ask, are you seeing a gender identity therapist at this point in your life? Your post and subsequent ones sound fraught with emotional distress and I can identify with them as I had similar feelings early in my journey. It was very chaotic in my mind for some time but my therapist helped bring order to chaos and this allowed me to move on. I note you are very young and this can be a very conflicting time in your life as you struggle to define who will be as you journey into the world of adulthood (job, relationships, obligations) and having this added to the mix can be gut wrenching. I knew I was TG when I was 17 but being in the military at the time . . . repressed, beat down and did nothing about it for 32 years and it caught up with me. That was a different time and now the world is more tolerant and seeing a therapist might bring you some answers you are looking for if you are truly conflicted.

The other option would be to discuss this with someone close to you who you know will be discreet. Is there someone in your family (mom, dad, brother, sister) who could fit that description?

Hugs

Isha

[Katie M]

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[Rachelakld]

I can so relate.

Those who live in my house know (and my neighbours).
It started with me wearing yoga pants
Now I can wig up the full 9 yards.
Normally at home it's just a dress, or leggings, bra & top, when I actually wig up, the kids always assume I'm about to go out shopping.

[Katie M]

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[kimdl93]

Depends on your family and within that family there will be variability too.

[Donnagirl]

Katie,

Isha is right... If you can seek professional then do. I have and it is invaluable... This really is an emotional roller coaster, highs and lows that are impossible to describe to the uninitiated.

Understand we have all been in a similar position to you, it is not insurmountable, it is not to be feared, good things await the patient... Talk to the many great girls here, listen to their experiences and wisdom, distill out that of relevance to you and use to your advantage. None of us are clones of those that have trod the path before, each an individual... Sum up the variables and pick your moment.

I'm here to help... As is every other wonderful girl here...

[AbigailJordan]

Hi Katie, I can totally relate to what you're going through and the perspective you're approaching it from.

I'm quite like yourself, although I identify as male, I have a very strong female personality that needs to be let out.. occasionally this is done by the full transformation, but more often than not it's pushing the limits of "unisex" to include as much of my female wardrobe as possible.

I've had some scary moments, like guys I've known for over a decade spotting me wearing stockings under my trousers for example (What he didn't notice was that the "trousers" were actually the bottom half of a two tone frilled jumpsuit lol).. but mostly what I wear is only just feminine enough to make people wonder.. I stay away from "girly" colours and keep it all dark which helps..

More recently, I have shared my dressing with a few more close friends and it does make a difference.. now when I go to visit those friends, rather than having to check myself in the mirror and replace the sparkly earrings with plain studs.. changing my necklace etc etc.. I can actually choose which sparkly earrings to wear round there.. pick a nice top etc..

And nothing replaces the joy of not having to rush and get "covered up" if your friends knock on the door while you're wearing a nice dress.

Remember of course that once you tell everyone about it, the news becomes public information and inevitably there will be fringe elements that will exhibit distaste or hatred about it, but if you have a strong circle of supporting friends that won't live for very long.. but it all depends where you live, but ultimately yes.. once the word is out that "the guy from round the corner likes wearing dresses", then people are going to bat even less of an eyelid the day they see you with eyeliner on.

I hope we see the day in our lifetimes where a dress is viewed as an item of clothing rather than an item of female clothing etc.. a day when dangly earrings aren't considered "girly" and so on. What we need as an international crossdressing day to start the ball rolling.. then we can start with our trans pride parades.. and let's be honest girls, as flamboyant as the gays can be and sometimes are.. our parade would smoke theirs!!!! :)

[SheriM]

Not sure that I can relate completely. I love to wear women's clothes and sometimes even long to be female, I still like being male. When out for a couple days, the work required to present as female can be tiring. There are some posters here that have said that we have the best of both worlds - that we can and do turn it on and off. That attitude helps me. It can be very stressful trying to figure all of this out but as I got older, I realized that I don't necessarily have to figure it out but rather accept myself as I was born. For most of my life, I struggled with the religious attitudes towards gay or CD people. However, we cannot change how we were made and I accept it that God loves all of his creation.
Katie, you are not alone.
SheriM

[LucyNewport]

I'm out to most of my friends & family. I found that with them it didn't really change how they treated me for the most part. When I was younger and dating it was more of an issue. I was quickly dumped by two girlfriends whom I told. Your mileage with this will vary.

Keeping such a big secret is draining and no fun. As it has been stated already, a qualified counselor can help. Just make sure you find one who is good at the job and also somewhat familiar with the world of trans. Good luck!

[Sarah-RT]

My mom knows, my step dad probably does too and my sister nearly accidentally outed me once but I'm not sure she ever put 2 and 2 together and realised I crossdress.

My mom while not being unsupportive has never mentioned it again since I told her about 6-7 years ago. My step dad seems very laid back, he asked me when I was 14 if I crossdressed when they found a bag of clothes under my bed my girlfriend had given me. I wasn't mature enough or sure of myself to explain it so I denied it away but he did say he didn't mind he was just curious( I look at it now as "I was just wondering so I won't disturb your stuff in future, sorry about that")

I've told two of my friends who happen to be gay and they are quite supportive. We often hang out at my house watching TV or having a few beers where I can dress in front of them which is a great experience, I truly cherish their friendship because of it, likewise how I am very supportive of them being themselves too.

Lately as I've grown used to being me I find the urge to want to open myself up to my family but the fear of changing how things are keeps it at bay. The big problem is I want to exist in the public sphere or at least in public at home, as myself.

Two of my other very good friends I probably wouldn't tell. We do most things together and the risk of ruining that or their future opinion of me I don't want to destroy. Not to say they wouldn't be supportive but it's not something easy to try and prove the mindset on it without giving the game away.

I had told a couple of female friends over the years, all of whom were supportive, one went shopping with me, another lent me some clothes but as we grew apart and stopped being friends it transpired that most of them had told other people. One of the girls I was friends with ended up dating another of my friends and she told him however he told me this after they broke up and I stopped being good friends with her and he said it didn't phase him and he would keep it to himself.

My first girlfriend who lent and bought me clothes and tried to encourage me to tell my mom became very spiteful when we broke up and I recall her saying "she was glad I was the way I was because it meant there was someone more f-ed up then herself in the world"
It was very hurtful at the time and put my self acceptance back by a few years but I don't take it personally anymore, I look at it as she was hurt and trying to find a way to do the same to me.

A good few other friends know but either had no interest in supporting it or talking about it that it feels like they might have forgotten or imagined me saying it.

There are some examples of my experiences telling people. I would say the key things to note on telling others are first and foremost to be sure of yourself so if you don't get the result you are looking for it won't damage your confidence to be you.

Secondly while others may not think any differently they may also not be interested in anything other than accepting you've told them.
Also that when you tell someone they may be supportive then but as friendships end they no longer feel the need to keep your secret.
Lastly don't expect hand outs right away or at all. Don't tell someone in the hope they'll bring you shopping or give you clothes because then you are only telling them for gain and not just acceptance of who you are, it may happen after but don't expect it.

Ultimately you know the relationships you have better than us, try writing a pro and cons list of who to tell and why and how you feel about it and come back to it in a few days and see how you feel then.

I look forward to how you progress, I'm in a similar boat of wanting more outlets.

Sarah x

[Lily Catherine]

My case wasn't ideal - my parents definitely know and haven't minded me cross-dressing for novelty events that called for it. Outside that, my cross-dressing was labelled a perversion when I was first caught, and the topic kept under wraps till I confessed in full to my parents as a teenager. The topic still remains an elephant in the room, albeit one that isn't very visible. I almost got outed by my mother some months back but the issue was hand waved. My father (who has worn his sister's stockings for fun) apparently still assumes I have fetishes for silk and satin, however. It's obviously more than that.

Mum 2 years ago: "Don't try on my clothes."
Mum 2 months ago: "Don't mess up my clothes."

There seems no way I can crash out of the closet elegantly despite my closet probably being glass.

[Nadine Spirit]

I have no idea what it would be like for you. All i know is how it has been for me, so keep that in mind with my responses to your various questions.


Is it better that way? I always wonder "If everyone I knew, knew that I was a crossdresser, would it be easier on me? Would I be able to stop being so paranoid that everyone knows, or that I forgot to remove all my makeup, or that I left my socks off (and therefore exposing my bright red toenails) at the wrong time?

Yes it is better that way. I used to be super paranoid. But not any more. But also, I generally present as gender non-conforming, i.e. fingernails painted 24/7 regardless of my gender presentation. The whole polish thing used to make me very paranoid and I never wanted to remove my socks and shoes and now I could care less.



Would I be able to be myself without worry that someone may think wrong of me, that I was sick or just going through some strange phase?"


Sorry, no. No matter what you reveal to people you will never be able to control what someone may think of you. Just because you take the time to explain who you are and why you do things, there are those that will always think what they want to think about you. But that is just the way life is.



This is my question for those of you who have, either intentionally or otherwise, exposed your friends, family and aquaintances to the fact that you like to wear women's clothing in a way that is entirely unrelated to sex. Does it take some of the worry out of it?

Okay, so for me everyone knows I am gender non-conforming, but not everyone knows I fully cross dress. Most of my friends and all of the family that is relevant knows everything, but acquaintances only know of the gender non-conforming. It does take much of the worry out of it. But it has also alerted me to the fact that it is often my own thoughts that make me the most paranoid and that it has nothing to do with what anyone else ever says.


If I tell all of the people around me this information about myself, will things change for me, and allow me to express myself?

It has for me. It has opened up many more possibilities than were ever present before. But more importantly it has opened up feelings of caring and closeness for those around me that were never there before. I feel so much closer to those in my life than I ever have.

[Isabella Ross]

Katie, I consider myself somewhere on the mild to moderate position on the transgendered scale. Nevertheless, I found that as I finally came to terms with this and started to accept myself, I found myself feeling dishonest to my immediate family members...my brothers and aging parents. I wanted to end four decades of shame and dishonesty, and I began to feel that true self-acceptance would only arrive after I told the important people in my life. So I did. It was difficult to do. But all of them truly accepted the news with grace and support. I am incredibly happy I did this. But everyone's situation is somewhat different.

[Teresa]

Katie,
As far as family is concerned I would now say it's better that they know, only my wife has caught me dressed , I would not do it deliberately but at least it wouldn't be a shock ! It does take a great load off your shoulders !
As for outside the family the number is gradually increasing, none have seen me dressed , a close photographer friend has seen my pics as I asked him to print me some to discuss with my counselor !
I don't understand the comment about it not being related to sex, I don't have a problem with disclosing that if pushed for answers as to why I dress !
The feeling of hiding from everyone, I called solitary confinement !
Telling people has to has to change their perspective of you, I try not act too differently after, you've usually told them in trust, I just thank them for being prepared to listen !

[pamela7]

it's better out, especially if its your predominant way in life. I'd say that "enemies" might try to use this against you, and the best defense is to not have it as an issue. As Donna said, being immune to coercion or blackmail can be important in life. There are some people i can think of who I'd rather not know, but if they do, I'll deal with it as it happens.

[HelenR2]

I just love the ease with which Americans say things like 'see your local Gender Identity Therapist'. In Britain that means an appointment with your doctor followed by two more with separate psychiatrists then a wait of maybe a year to see the therapist. If you want HRT you do all of the above then live as a woman for at least a year and then your doctor MIGHT consider starting you on HRT. Plus British medical insurance doesn't cover anything to do with transitioning so you can wait several years for any surgery on the NHS, and don't hope for cosmetic surgery because they won't do it, or you can pay...... if the psychiatrists say it's ok!

[Stephanie Julianna]

Everything you said I understand because I have felt that way most of my life. I did tell my future wife back in the day ( now married 44 years) as well as my son and daughters years later. My wife has never gotten much past DADT. My daughters were great but the younger one gives me the impression that I am just in costume and can never feel what women feel. The older girl has always been supportive. My son does not want to hear about it and did not understand why I had to tell him in the first place. I told one sibling, my oldest sister years ago and have never been invited back to her house in over 30 years. Nothing comes free. There is a price to pay and you have to decide what you are willing to pay. As Shakespeare said, "This above all; to thine own self be true, And it must follow as the night, the day, Thou can'st not be false to any man." You have to find your own path. You can seek advice here but the choices will still be your responsibility. Do I sound like a Polish or Irish Grandmother? I'm half and half.

[Brandy Mathews]

I am not so sure that family knowing is the best thing, at least for me. My sister calls me a "freak". I just laugh. My family is not very understanding at all. They think since I crossdress, that I am automatically gay. I have dressed fo over twenty years and have NEVER been with a man, and really don't want to. Katie, I think that alot of us feel the same with the identity thing too. I am really glad that I joined this site a while back though, have all you to talk to and I am thankful for that. Would really love to go out sometime, am missing it so bad, it has been years. I hope that all you girls had a good week and that everything in your life is going well for you.
Hugs,
Bree :)

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Katie,

I was about seven years older than you when I first started dressing. I told a few close friends but kept it from my family. Looking back my parents must have suspected. They would sometimes bring up the subject of drag queens and female impersonators, but I was to afraid to say anything about myself. After a couple of years I continued to be afraid of what my family or any potential girlfriends would think so I purged everything and tried to go about a normal life (whatever that means). Now many years later I find myself reevaluating my gender identity but am in a life status that would be thrown into chaos if I started dressing again. I can't help but wonder how my life would have turned out and faced my fears and been more open with everyone in my life. Since you recognize your gender fluid nature you are probably smart enough to realize you will have these feelings for the rest of your life. Don't let fears and anxieties keep you from being who you are. Being open and honest, although sometimes painful in the short run, will lead to peace in the long run. Yes, things will change, but then life is always full of changes anyway.

Bridget

[Katie M]

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[Katie M]

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[sometimes_miss]

Is it better that way? I always wonder "If everyone I knew, knew that I was a crossdresser, would it be easier on me? <snip> If I tell all of the people around me this information about myself, will things change for me, and allow me to express myself?
It all depends on if they can accept a crossdresser as a friend/family member. I told my mom and my sister; neither took it well. Mom treats me like I'm doing something evil, my sister has basically cut off communication. I decided to stop there. You risk losing your friends and family. Tread carefully. Find out how they feel about the subject before outing yourself. Unless you can accept living your life very alone for a long time, because the only people I know who completely accept someone who is a crossdresser, is other crossdressers. For me, well due to childhood trauma I have a huge problem trusting men, so that left me with, basically, almost nobody in my life.

[Katie M]

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