What am I scared of (Caution long thread coming)

[Rebekah_uk]

I am have been out to my wife for about a year, it been a rocky year but we have got through it.

We have talked about the varying things, breast forms, wig shaving my legs. Just maybe taking myself to a local gender mosaic meeting. She has assured me that I have her love and support 100% in all this.

The problem is that something seems to be holding me back. My wife is an agent for Avon and we have talked about me buying things like make up and clothing through her. She has also told me she doesn't mind me buying clothing from Sears as long as I keep her updated. So we can manage our budget accordingly as we have been trying to get a handle on paying our debt load down.

Maybe it's the debt load that makes me feel guilty about moving forward. Or is it the whole crossdressing thing in general I am confused with. It took me over twenty years to finally stop fighting this and accept who I am.

I wanted to make this the year that I owned Rebekah but lately I feel as though it's slipping back into the old days of not knowing who I am anymore.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

Love and hugs
Rebekah_uk

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebekah, You have a good thing going there please don't blow it.

[Alyssa Lane]

Debt is a huge thing women will worry about when in a single income household to make sure they still have a roof over there heads.

[Jenniferathome]

Rebekah, you mention two distinct things here: debt and lack of self understanding.

On the debt issue, pay it down! Can still be a cross dresser and pay down debt. Make tradeoffs. Mow the lawn yourself instead of hiring a gardener, for example.

As for knowing who you are, that's for you and your wife to discuss, but you don't have to cross dress to come to terms with who you are. Perhaps a counselor with gender knowledge would be helpful for the two of you.

[alwayshave]

Rebekah, I don't know the specifics of your financial situation, so I don't know whether your reference to it is real or perceived. However, early on with relationship with my fiancee, who knows and supports, I was reluctant to buy things for the same reason even though it was not really an issue. It took me a while to determine that I was just making excuses for myself and that it was OK to spend money on myself. I had no problem spending money on my other hobbies, why was I making excuses about crossdressing. Once I realized this, it was no longer an issue.

[kimdl93]

Take stock of needs versus wants. If there are items of clothing that you need to move ahead, then consider resale stores as an alternative to new. For breast forms, check out eBay...I found some great deals there on high quality forms. Wigs...probably a place where I really value hands on help from a wig seller. As for make up, you've got everything you need at your disposal right through your wife.

So, once you've sorted out needs vs wants, put together a modest budget to get some basics, review it with your wife, and keep working on that debt load.

[RADER]

Try taking it slow; Dress when you feel it is rite or you have the urge to do so.
Do not force your self into a dress just because it is hanging in your closet.
My self, I under dress, I wear panties, 24/7, and a bra about 85% of the time.
That way I can Feel what a GG is wearing with out all the work of getting fully
dressed. I also wear female jeans all the time, they fit me better than men's jeans.
Rader

[Katey888]

Hi Rebekah,

You've done a big thing in coming out to your wife and that's obviously still progressing, which is good. Financial issues are on another scale, however, and for sure your rational side is telling you this is serious and you need to get a grip on it - but it sounds like you're both understanding that...

Whatever your financial situation, you still have to have some time for you and allow some spending on what makes you feel good - it's probably normal for most responsible folk to feel bad about spending cash on anything discretionary when they have debt, but you need to do it for you! It's not wrong to be able to apportion some spend for your femme side, and have a little fun with it - it doesn't need to be a fortune, and getting to a group is probably a great idea and will hopefully make you feel so much more fulfilled. :)

You're doing the right thing in the right way (being open with your wife) you just need to enjoy it a little now. :hugs:

Katey x

[Teresa]

Rebekah,
Coming out to our partners can go two ways, one way is to go totally out of control thinking you have total acceptance ! Or you feel that you've come out, your wife knows and she saying OK, as if she's calling your bluff !
A therapist said to me many years ago , " No secret, No problem !" It could be true in your case !
As for the debt load, dressing doesn't have to cost "an arm and a leg !" Your wife can now supply cosmetics cheaper, take advantage of the offer if she doesn't mind !

The identity issue is something many of us struggle with, some days we say WTF am I doing ? I'm just a guy in a dress and others we want it all and feel really good when we do ! You just have to go with it rather than fight it , at least you have a supportive wife, try and share and enjoy it with her ! She'll soon let you know when it's out of her comfort zone !

[Claire Cook]

Hi Rebekah,

Oh do we know this feeling! All those years of not being able to buy the clothes and makeup that we want, and it's like being a kid in a candy store to make up for lost time. All I can say is that finally accepting myself has been all the difference, and you've heard others here say the same. the guilt feelings are gone.

As far as the debt goes. It's entirely possible to put together a wardrobe on a tight budget. Here in the US we have places like Soma and Victoria's Secret that have bras costing $US50 or more. No way I will pay that much -- most of my bras are under $15. And consignment / donation shops like GoodWill often have really nice clothes for, as we say on this side of the pond -- "a song".

You are so fortunate to have a supportive wife -- just remember that you have a partnership going.

Hugs,

Claire

[Pat]

The "something holding you back" could be that you're afraid that despite what she says, she'll view you as less of a man (for lack of a better term.) It's a common problem. You have to learn to accept that you are who you are. She didn't marry John Wayne and you don't have to be John Wayne. Go with slow, easy steps. Counseling can help. It's more a matter of getting to know/accept yourself than achieving anyone else's acceptance.

[Meghan4now]

Rebekah,

A possibility is that even though you've come out and accepted this and your wife is supper supportive, You still have a mountain of momentum to overcome. After all CDing is not the social norm and you've had years of denial and hiding. That's not something that you throw a switch on. Plus it is also natural to be cautious of over saturating your relationships. As with anything, there is probably more than one variable here. Make sure your wife is getting the love she needs in the language she is most comfortable. And try to keep your life in balance.

[Beverley Sims]

You can own Rebekah, without going overboard on the spending.

Cheap makeup on sale and clothing from Oxfam, Red Cross and Goodwill for a start.

Oh, I would recommend buying your lingerie new.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've been doing my shopping for my crossdressing needs on a shoestring for as long as I've been buying. The only things I haven't been able to justify not getting on the cheap have been forms, wigs and underwear. Look around and you should be able to fit just about everything else into a reasonable budget.

The other part of your concern is one that many of us share. Regardless of how much advice and photographic evidence you can find here and on other web sites, our feminine personna is uncharted territory. That moment when you look in the mirror and see "her" can be very unsettling and make you want to step back for a while. If that happens, go on and step back. Take a breath or two before you forge on again, because this is something we all do at our own pace. I dressed fully with some makeup a couple times when I was in my teens and didn't do that again for close to 30 years. Then it was another 10 years before I reached out to anyone for support. You are ahead of me on the support side, so try to relax and let that fear drain away. Chat with your wife about both parts of this issue, she sounds like someone who will help guide you and wants you to be happy.

[Dana44]

Rebekah, On the confused part, yes you will go through that. I had to hide it for a long time. Came out to my girlfriend and after the load of hiding goes away and you get the chance to start. Yep you question yourself. If you think that this is what you want. Go slow on buying things. Pay down your debt. Communicate everything with your wife. If you see something and can buy it. Have her input.
I payed all of my debt off. I spent months putting enough together. Goodwill stores are good for skirts, tops and dresses. Might even find a shoe or two there. By the way, my SO likes Avon and I have bought several things for both her and myself. Try all thrift stores where you are. We are in a small town and we have at least ten thrift stores.

[Rebekah_uk]

Hello Eveeybody

Thank you for the great advice, I have to say I am feeling a lot better about things. I will speak to my wife about ordering some makeup soon.

I'm really going to look hard at buying clothes on a budget. I already buy some work clothing from my local thrift store. I have just got to get over the shopping in guy mode thing. Also what my mind tells me about other people's perceptions.

As for the debt load, my wife and I are working hard at paying it down. We have already paid off one credit card and we have moved on to the next one. We have had a couple of set backs but we are pushing ahead.

I have been toying about seeing a gender counsellor for a little while now. It might help me bring some order to the chaos in my head. It's been a twenty year battle to finally admit to myself that I am a crossdresser. I would definitely like to find peace here.

Love and hugs
Rebekah_uk