Telling the SO, the best approach

[Curiosity666]

Hey everyone :)

I'm looking for your opinions on this matter. In a few weeks me and my girlfriend are meeting up for the weekend (currently in a distance relationship). We've been together for a number of years, and I'd like to think she's rather open minded about most things (although, I have no real indication as to her feelings on the transgender community in general), and we have pretty good communication with each other.

I plan on telling her some point over the weekend, but am having some trouble deciding the best time to actually come out to her. So far it's a choice between as early in the weekend as possible, or over the phone a few days before we actually meet up.

By telling her over the phone I can give her a chance to think about any questions she may have, and to adjust to the news, meaning that the discussion in person will (hopefully) be more effective and less emotional. However, I also feel that face to face communication is always more effective, so I'm tempted to wait until we are in person (but as soon as practical). The drawback with this however is that if she takes a few days to process the revelation, by the time she's ready for discussion the weekend will be over and we'll be on our separate ways once again.

So what are your opinions? Should I tell her over the phone a few days beforehand, on the weekend, or some other method I've yet to consider?

[Donnagirl]

Lucy,

Although only you can really know for sure what is the best method, I've always preferred the face to face. It's easier to judge the reaction, know how far to go and you can demonstrate (or show a pic or two) if the atmosphere is good...

[NicoleScott]

Face to face, so you can immediately answer her questions rather than time allowing her to speculate and fret. And don't show her your pics unless/until she asks to see them. Some women can be supportive but don't want to see their men expressing femininity.

[pamela7]

The best approach changes depending upon you and her. She might be the kind of person who would prefer to have time to respond not face-to-face, in order to avoid upsetting you with instant reactions, she might also be a face to face person.

If you're good with giving instant answers, dealing with shock face to face etc, then i'd suggest that, but it's your call.

[kimdl93]

Not something you should do over the phone. Don't assume that she'll just ate a few days to process...she may need weeks, months, or years.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lucy Good luck I hope that it goes well for both of you, Just don't do it on Face Book.:hugs:

[Jenniferathome]

Tell her face to face. This is not a "phone" type conversation. There will be questions. Some will come quickly: "Are you gay" Do you want to be a woman? and others will trickle in. She deserves an honest, in person, discussion. Good luck, it can work.

[Isabella Ross]

Without truly knowing your situation, I would suggest absolutely in person.

[Shelly Preston]

Lucy,

I suggest you read the link in my signature on "how to tell your partner"

[Rachelakld]

I liked how I came out to my sister, while having a coffee, I explained how I like to dress, and showed her a photo of me in classy day clothes.
My GF, after a meal and a bit of wine at my house, I explained to her how I like to play dress up, and showed her my wardrobe, we had some fun with the wigs etc

[Beverley Sims]

I think a face to face meeting is the best place to tell her.
Also read Shelly Preston's tips on how to tell.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Lucy,
I think you can already see a pattern here, and I agree with everyone.
Don't tell her in advance, she'll just have days a fretting over all the questions
she has. Being there to answer here immediate questions will help, she'll still
have doubts about if your being honest with your answers, but at least you will
have the opportunity to start informing her of your intentions with this from the very
moment that she became aware of it.
Best of luck to you for a positive reaction!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[mykell]

hi lucy,
why do you feel like you have to tell her now....what do you hope to accomplish by telling her....as far as transgender topics, ms. bruce jenner is fairly current and trending....have a chat about that and see wear she stands with that topic, even if she seems OK with the jenner situation does not guarantee a positive outcome when it is close to home, you and her, like the NIMBY kind of thing....not wishing you a negative outcome, quite the opposite, just want you to be better prepared.
in all honesty during a weekend getaway would not be the ideal time from my experience....i had thought my mrs. had suspicions and when i revealed to her on a sat. morning, she took it like a ton of bricks, shocked, all she wanted was to be away from me....i think she wanted time to digest it, needless to say we came to a DADT arrangement, it was not a fun weekend....just some thoughts for you.....

[Tiffany Jane]

First of all I wish you the best. Every situation is different and although I have an accepting wife, who allows me to express myself as who I feel I am, it goes without saying, it didn't happen over a single difficult conversation. It is happening over many conversations, some simple questions to more challenging discussions about ourselves, relationships, and our thoughts of where we see CDing going or becoming. Dependent upon your relationship, the most important thing is honest answers to questions and not what you believe will ease the possible emotions that may end up all across the board. You say you're in a distance relationship, a coming out may open an avenue of other topics and concerns...be prepared.

[AngelaYVR]

Why no support for dress-to-the-nines and perform a Broadway song method??

[Isabella Ross]

Why no support for dress-to-the-nines and perform a Broadway song method??

Perhaps with a chorus line of girls from this site to provide back up vocals (and moral support)?

[Jazzy Jaz]

When i came out to my gf of 1 and a half yrs a month ago we were laying in bed playing a game of truth or dare, we mostly did truths. In the course of conversation i brought up a few times that she had mentioned a crossdresser that she knew and seemed to be ok with. Mistaking who i was talking about, she responded about a former bf she had who dressed up and cheated on her with men. She seemed to have some negative hurt related feelings about cding and proceded to tell me that one of the things she liked about me was that im totally not gay and im able to like romantic movies and female vocalists while still completely being a man.

I layed there for awhile wondering if her negative response should prevent me from coming out. Finally i decided that if she would be completely negative about it then it would be fair for both of us to know about my cding and see if we still want to proceed with the relationship. I said "I have a truth for you that you might not like, .............I'm a crossdresser". She needed awhile to soak it in and i answered basic questions and then a few days later we set a time to go by the lake and talk. I alleviated her main concerns and we set some ground rules and shes become very accepting and supportive. I think going the bruce jenner route is a good strategy to get a feel for where her head is at with these issues but keep in mind that if she has a negative reaction about someone who has nothing to do with her, she could have a very different reaction when she realizes it involves someone she loves. Had i let my gfs initial reaction prevent me from coming out id still be missing out on what we have now.

[Nyla F]

Face-to-Face, early in the weekend. There is nothing to be gained by waiting.

[Stephanie_83]

I came out pretty early to my gf - 3 or 4 months in, I think? Maybe six... For a while before that I kept trying to get her to go to drag shows to get a sense of what she thought of that (a couple were happening at local festivals that I could drop in quite casually), but somehow it never worked out. So I decided I just needed to take the plunge. It was a bit easier because I usually have a beard if I haven't been dressing in a little while. She'd noticed I had shaved a few weeks back, but didn't really say anything. It was the end of the weekend and we were cuddling, so I brought that up, and told her the reason why I'd shaved. At first she thought I was joking, but she took it really well when she realized I was serious. She asked a few questions, and that was about it. A few weeks later I showed her some pictures I'd had from a studio that does photos particularly for crossdressers - I thought I looked pretty great in them, and wanted her to have an idea of what Stephanie looked like. Later, she said that seeing those pictures really helped her want to meet Stephanie, and got her a lot more comfortable with the whole thing.

So I'd definitely say tell her in person - I might wait until towards the end of the weekend. I figured my gf should have the ability to "retreat" and take some time if she needed to, but also give us enough time to talk about it if she wanted to do that. I'd also say to have some "classy" photos to show her if she's curious. Good luck!

[Marcelle]

Hi Lucy,

Face to face IMHO for many of the reasons cited here. I realize it will be more daunting for you but it will also allow you gauge her reaction and respond to questions.

Good luck

Hugs

Isha

[heatherdress]

You are currently in a long distance relationship which is very difficult to begin with. Maybe you should see her first and see how your relationship is before you bring a new issue up. I am not suggesting hiding your crossdressing, but I think there may be some basic relationship needs and feelings which might be more important than how you dress. If you are in a good place, a trusting and loving place to start with, you would probably have the most positive conditions to discuss your crossdressing and her understanding and acceptance. If you start off with your need to crossdress, before you see her and listen to her and hug her and kiss her - she will immediately think your crossdressing is more important that she is. You should not be in a rush. Be sensitive, be caring, be loving and find the right time and the right way to bring the subject up.

[heatherdress]

Lucy - I just wanted to add another thought. Although in some situations, crossdressing at whatever level is solely to blame for relationship problems, usually there are other fundamental problems deeper than crossdressing which result in relationship failure. If you really care for your girlfriend, make sure you communicate and understand and address her needs. She is not in a relationship with you to satisfy your crossdressing needs. Keep doing the things you have been doing which attracted her to you in the first place. Keep having fun together. Continue to love her as you have loved her. Don't let her think and feel all the good things you have together are going to change. If she is open-minded and feels secure and satisfied in your relationship, she should be more accepting of your crossdressing. Good luck, Lucy.

[Teresa]

Lucy,
I came out to my wife in my forties so face to face was the only way !
I can't say how much it will affect you but I have never cried as much in my whole life, my wife could see how much I was suffering and comforted me until things settled down ! That just can't happen on the phone !

[NZ_Dawn]

I am perhaps not one to suggest (I could never find the right time to disclose to my wife, HOW, or where) Scared of the consequences maybe.
Anyway...., I admire your resolve to tell your GF. I like the idea of Face to face communication on this subject. There is so much that is not picked up, seen or perceived in communication by phone, mail, email etc. This is an important aspect on how you and your GF will react and respond. How do you react to silence at the end of the phone? How has your GF received this information without see her face?
Earlier in the weekend will allow her to take the information in and probably a chance to ask those many questions of you (face to face) and you will able support her in this. I wish you both the very best.

[Launa]

The right time is face to face on Saturday morning between 10am and 11:15am. That's if you both wake up no later than 9 am!

Don't do it between 11:15am and 1pm. Or I should say do it after lunch on Saturday is your second best time to tell her.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Launa, strangely enough I find that between 2:03pm and 2:04pm my wife will totally accept everything I say. For this reason I carry an alarm clock with me, set to 2:02. I've noticed that every time it goes off my wife inexplicably starts quivering.

[Curiosity666]

You are currently in a long distance relationship which is very difficult to begin with. Maybe you should see her first and see how your relationship is before you bring a new issue up. I am not suggesting hiding your crossdressing, but I think there may be some basic relationship needs and feelings which might be more important than how you dress. If you are in a good place, a trusting and loving place to start with, you would probably have the most positive conditions to discuss your crossdressing and her understanding and acceptance. If you start off with your need to crossdress, before you see her and listen to her and hug her and kiss her - she will immediately think your crossdressing is more important that she is. You should not be in a rush. Be sensitive, be caring, be loving and find the right time and the right way to bring the subject up.

Hey Heather :)

While we are long distance it hasn't always been that way. I'm off doing training for work and we decided that it's more important for her to stay home and finish uni. I feel that our relationship is very strong, and we have very open communication. The only reason I've waited to tell her is I've only recently started dressing, and only even more recently settled on what this means to me. This will be the first time I've seen her since I've decided that Lucy is sticking around, and because we never hide anything from one another, I don't really see telling her as an option. In fact, I want to tell her.


As for everyone else, thank you so much for the input :) I'm going to tell her in person on the weekend, either Friday evening or Saturday morning (I'll play it by ear). Hopefully I can write back with a positive outcome :D

[nikinylons]

I came out to my wife on our second date after a 7 year failed marriage. It failed because she wanted a manly man and not a manly part time girly man in her life. She had to be the center of attention all of the time. Also, we were both submissive in the bedroom and that was a wreck. My main goal was to find a woman who would accept both sides of me for who I am. At that time it was just pantyhose and dresses and I told her that there was a fem side inside of me that needed nurturing so it wouldn't consume anymore. Well, low and behold, she had a pantyhose fetish too and wears them everyday too! She said, I don't know much about that but if it's a part of you then I'll learn to love it too, because I love you. We went to Walmart, she bought me make up, dressed me up, and 11 years later now, we are happy as can be. I do not change persona or voice, I'm just me with my natural fem mannerisms that are a part of me. It has softened my quick temper and made me more understanding, which she loves. We have 2 adopted daughter now 24, 23 and I came out to them fully dressed when they were 16 and we have girls night on a regular basis. They have mentored me and know that I am the same loving person whether I am in pantyhose and heels or pantyhose and jeans. Be real, be honest, and don't try to be someone you are not. Learn to role play in the bedroom and show her your submissive side. As I said before, we had a pantyhose fetish in common, so sex and sleeping together is amazing with silky pantyhose sliding against each other. Find something in common and assure her that you will become a better life partner because of your inner female that is dying to get out. Have her mentor you. Buy her make up, clothes, etc and enjoy girly nights together. It takes guts but explained the right way and made all about her, you should be fine. Good luck dear.
xoxox,
Nikinylons

[nikinylons]

Also, assure her that you still are a man underneath it all, because after all, that's who she fell in love with in the first place.