I'd rather you have cancer! :(

[lynnef]

yep.... that's what my wife said to me during our talk yesterday...

I had my appointment with the endo (wife knew about, and has seen my official diagnosis of GID /Dysphoria, being a candidate for HRT.) at the dr's office, after answering some questions and getting some blood tests, they prescribed me spiro & estridiol (so now i'm one of the happiest girls in the world :D ) later wife asks, what medicine did they give you (after she got upset about me having blood tests), so i told her, she says.."ok"... then apparently she realized what the medicines were for, (i wonder if she thought that I, as an MTF TS, would go to 2 doctors, and a counselor... to get male hormones :doh:)

a while later, she flips out about how i'm going to shrink (in places), grow breasts, etc.... which really hurt me... a lot, it's like the only parts of me she cares about... is the physical wrapper, and a minor and frequently unreliable organ... :cry::cry::cry:
so i asked her, if i had some sort of cancer there and they had to remove it, what would you do? ..... "that's different".... later in the evening, she looks at me and says "i would rather you had cancer than this." I was like :eek: what? her reasoning is that cancer doesn't last for 60-70 years.... :| so yeah.... i'm still kind of upset/depressed/hurt over that....


on a better note, I did tell my parents, (even my dad, who was a bit nonplussed about the whole thing initially, told me that he was glad that I was happy and sounded more confident.. :), and a couple of close friends, and they have been universally supportive :D

[Kristy 56]

Lynne, my heart goes out to you and your wife. How long has she known about your intentions ? Just finding that your husband is cross dressing is too much for some woman,so I have to imagine that this is 100x more difficult for her. Remember that people under extreme stress say things that they later regret. Whatever the case I hope that you both can come to some agreement.

[heatherdress]

Lynne - Although her comment was cruel, I can understand how she feels. If my partner decided to change his or her body appearance, I might not understand. She needs help. Seems like you are doing what is best for you and I am glad for you. But what is best for her? She married you as a guy. This is quite difficult.

[Isabella Ross]

Have to agree with Heather...it does appear you're being a little self-centered about this. She married a man. You're beginning a physical transformation, and the reality of that must be pretty shocking to her. I'm not saying I don't understand your need to do this...I do. But at least make an effort to see her side of it. I have a wife who fully accepts me as a transgendered man who occasionally likes to look and feel pretty as a woman. If I did that permanently, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved on...women have their own needs and desires, after all.

[kimdl93]

My question is just how much have you engaged and involved your wife in the process. It almost sounds as if she was just learning of these decisions for the first time. Is that a reasonably fair appraisal? If so, you don't appear to have spent much time or effort on helping her work through this with you.

[MissTee]

Congrats that your taking the path to fulfill your needs. In the long term you will likely be happier. That said, I agree with Heather and Isabella. Your wife is not wrong for wanting a man. It is what makes her happy, so your paths may divide and in a lot of ways that may be what's best. Likewise, I don't think you can compare parents and friends acceptance to a spouse. She sleeps with you, they don't. Huge difference.

Wishing you all the best.

[NZ_Dawn]

Hi Lynne, The comment at face value is sharp and cuts deep but........I could imagine also that in the heat of discussion we sometimes say things that we don't actually mean OR could have been put a better way. If you were to follow up on this discussion now, given that your wife has had time to think more, what would she say?
When you saw your endo. did she know what the purpose of the consultation was for? and is that perhaps why she reacted like she did? I can imagine it would be a very dramatic/shocking revelation to her.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hey congrats to you. I am glad that you are beginning down a path that you obviously want to.

And I suppose I am going to buck the trend here, but WTH? I've had cancer, thankfully no longer (a level 2 melanoma btw) and I have been cancer free for about 15 years. It is easy to say that oh well cancer doesn't last for 60-70 years, but really cancer is a pretty big concern cause you know it can kill you. It was a pretty careless thing for her to say.

Obviously it is a big concern for her and it does possibly sound as though maybe she was not a part of this process from the very beginning, thus it does sound as though it was pretty shocking for her. But still, to tell someone that they would rather they potentially have a death sentence is pretty extreme.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lynn, It sounds like you've made up your mind to do this and it's probably not going to end well
between you and your wife, I wish you the best.:hugs:

It may be time to talk to a lawyer before the whole thing blows up in your face..:daydreaming:

[lynnef]

it was actually her idea for me to go see the drs... i have been telling her things as they occur, she just now decided to change.... i also told her about myself when we first started talking years ago
We've mostly reached a compromise for now, Hopefully it'll stick...

Nadine- yeah, that was my reaction as well.. , great that your cancer is(and remains) gone :)

Sorry for my funky wording, i was still kind of reeling from what she said, and probably wasn't the most coherent

Thank you for the well wishes though, and i probably deserved soke of th criticism...

[Jenniferathome]

Well, that is a rather extreme thing to say but I think it says more about her anger over the change you re causing to the relationship. She's mad. The comment was insensitive but try to keep some objectivity. You are moving forward, but she is being left behind. She invested a "life" with you and it's over. I can not imagine how jarring that would be.

[Tracii G]

I'm confused about the whole thing.
Seems you are not even considering how she feels at all.

[Nadya]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your wife. Maybe she just needs more time. I'm glad you have support elsewhere though. Stay strong! <3

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Lynne,
I don't think her comment was meant to wish a cancer upon you, but more that
she meant that if you did have cancer it would be easier for her to accept.
Regardless, you should talk with her and let her know how you feel about what she has said.
You may be moving forward, that doesn't have to mean she is being left behind.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Eryn]

I tend to agree with Kristyn, adding that perhaps your wife's comment wasn't well thought through when she made it. When emotions run high we sometimes say things we don't mean.

A more important issue is the fact that you apparently started HRT without talking about it throughly with your wife. You and she should have discussed and understood all the ramifications of your treatment before it began. She doesn't seem to be at all in the information loop and the blame for that lies with both parties.

[DanaR]

Lynn, I can understand how you feel and can sympathize with your wife as well. This is one of most SO's greatest fears, losing their spouse through transition.

[Rachelakld]

Your wife probably signed up for a "happy ever after", and has recently found out it was cancelled.

I can imagine she is going to go through the "hate you" period, probably "anti male" as well.
I hope she has access to counselling to get her through this trauma of losing her "mate".

As parents, we generally want the best for our kids, regardless of gender.
Hope your lives can move on freely and without to many bumps.

[PaulaQ]

Ironically enough, I wished I had cancer, rather than being trans. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose these things.

I'm sorry she said that to you, it was very cruel. She is likely grieving. Many women react as if their spouse has died when they start transition. Indeed, I spent the first 6 months of my transition feeling like a ghost when I was around my wife, or old friends. My appearance, regardless of what I did or said, seemed to just cause pain and grief. I hope your wife comes around in time. Some do.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o again Lynne, There are a lot of replies here that are putting an end to your relationship.
If you and your wife have had a decent relationship up to this point, you can find a
way to include this into it. Sure things will change between the two of you, but the love that
tied the two of you together can't be erased. Keep communications open with her, if she doesn't
come to you with questions, bring some up to her.
Much Love,
Keistyn

[Marcelle]

Hi Lynne,

I am glad that you are finding your way to become the person you need to be as that is important for everyone . . . being happy (very glad to read your parents are supportive).

As many have said, while your wife's comments "cut you deep" and were hurtful I agree that it was most likely out of frustration, fear and anger. She may have prompted you to go the to the doctor but was probably hoping in her heart of hearts it was going to be moot with no transition. She is probably feeling quite alone now as she watches you move forward. Give her time and see what transpires. I agree with Kristyn that this does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship but that may need to be tabled for another day. Let her know you are still there for her and see what happens.

Hugs

Isha

[jasminetv2]

+ 1 for Nadine's reply. as I too have cancer, stage 4 incurable.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry that things aren't going well between you and your wife.

It looks to me as if you both have a different understanding of what is going on. I don't know how much time your wife has spent reading resources online to familiarize herself with the effects of HRT and anti-androgens, but I get the impression that she may have initially thought they are analogous to anti-depressants (your post from a few months ago) and they would get rid of your depression without affecting anything else. It's difficult for some people outside of this community to understand gender issues, let alone the chemical properties of medication and drugs, especially when the gender issues relate to a person they have known as strictly male. A lot of people cannot make that mental switch.

As to the cancer comment, of course I don't know your wife, but given what you've written I translate it to, "It would be easier for me to understand you having cancer than having GD. I know people who have cancer, but I know no one who has GD". And, "At least cancer is curable and it doesn't look like GD is curable, and so I don't know what's going to happen with us because I don't know if I can (or I'm not wired to be) in a relationship with another woman".

[Leslie Langford]

I'm going to add my own voice to that of the other ladies here who have already cautioned you to perhaps not read too much into the emotionally-charged comments that your wife made in response to a situation which confounds her, and one over which she feels she has neither input nor control over.

I seriously doubt that she would wish a life-threatening illness like cancer on you. My interpretation is that for her, cancer is a more relatable illness, and although serious, there is often a cure for it. Furthermore, there is no "shame" connected with being either a cancer sufferer or survivor. On the contrary, people who battle cancer are often elevated to hero status considering what they have to go through with chemotherapy, radiation and the like, whereas few can fathom what living with GID is like, nor appreciate the fact that we are heroes in our own right in dealing with this as best we can...those that make it, anyway, given the generally accepted statistic that around 44% of young people wrestling with GID and who have no discernible support system have either attempted - or succeeded - in committing suicide.

Yes, cancer affects everyone connected to the victim almost as much as it does him/herself, as does transitioning from either M-T-F or F-T-M to their family, friends, and co-workers. Both require a huge adjustment in attitudes and mindsets regarding the new reality on behalf of all parties involved, but somehow, cancer seems to be easier to deal with within this context because the sufferer is still seen as being a victim who had no control over their fate. In many cases, we TG folks are still regarded as being self-indulgent, self-centered narcissists who have little regard for the effect that our predilection has on others, and if we just tried hard enough, we could simply "get over it" and life would be good for everyone again.

Constant communication and continued education on this issue along with guidance from trained professionals familiar with this condition are the key to a better understanding for your wife. What she does with this information is ultimately up to her, and if she truly can't accept what is happening to you despite all this, then there unfortunately is very little else you can do about it, and a split from her may very well be in your future...

[MsVal]

Dear Lynne,

The elation of passing one more milestone along your journey, damped by the anguish of your wife's harsh words. This bittersweet turn of events must have you reeling. This may be your wake up call to carefully analyze your relationship, taking an objective and critical view of your participation.

Some of the members advise preparing for a rocky road leading to divorce. While extreme, these things don't always happen to "the other guy", and it may happen to you. I hope that it doesn't.

Others, myself included, believe that your relationship, though seriously wounded, can be healed. It will never be the same, but it can evolve into something different and potentially as satisfying.

These paths, as well as many others will not come without some amount of effort.

What are you going to do?

Best wishes
MsVal

[Stephanie47]

What your wife said may seem cruel or harsh, but, not having heard the words, I (we) cannot hear voice inflections, facial expressions, etc. All those are part of communication. I think there is a certain amount of expectations in a marriage between a man and a woman. I think your wife was conveying her belief most cancers can be cured or at least put into remission.

If I were a wife/woman and my husband told me he was on the road to transform himself into a woman, what would I feel and what would I do? After the initial sock? I think my life would be thrown totally out of whack. Frankly, I'd give my husband his freedom to do what was best for him, and, I do what was best for me.

[CONSUELO]

It is likely that what was said was done so when under great stress. Also, as others have said, she may have meant that it would be easier for her to deal with you being diagnosed with cancer. If you did have cancer she would find a lot of public support systems that she could use as well as support from family and friends. In your circumstance she probably feels very alone with no one to help share her burden and grief at the loss of her "man".

[PaulaQ]

If you and your wife have had a decent relationship up to this point, you can find a
way to include this into it. Sure things will change between the two of you, but the love that
tied the two of you together can't be erased.

Well, this is a transition, not CDing, so while I believe the quality of their relationship is a factor here, my observation is that it isn't in the way that most of us would expect.

My ex-wife and I separated four months after I came out to her, at her request, and ultimately divorced. I hadn't started transition at the time we separated. We'd been married 17 years, and together for nearly 20. We had the relationship that everyone thought would last 'til death do us part.

My boyfriend, who's FtM, had always been open with his wife about the possibility of transition - and indeed, it should have come as no surprise to his wife - they'd been together for 13 years, and he'd never lived a day with her as a woman. He'd lived fulltime as a man since at least puberty. And yet the day he started testosterone, his wife broke down crying - she was losing the person she loved. They separated soon after, and divorced.

I can tell you a lot of stories like this, unfortunately. Indeed, most of us who are married and transition, not all, but most, end up divorcing. Of the couples I do know who stay together, the marriage doesn't tend to be much like it was before, and it's often not exactly what people would think of when they use the phrase "happy marriage."

I am very, very sorry to be writing this. I don't want to be negative here, because I do know some couple's who seem to be happy after one of them transitions. I watched a seemingly happy couple in Austin last week who I personally know. They were there together, lobbying our legislature against anti-trans bills they are trying to pass here in Texas. She said "I am much happier being married to a happy woman than I was being married to a miserable man." Don't give up on this - but know that realistically, the odds are not in your favor.

The odds your marriage will survive this are not good - I'm not trying to be negative, but I'm in a position to know a great many trans people, and stories of divorce for those of us who transition are very common - I'd estimate 8 or 9 out of 10 of us who are married end up divorced.

If I could recommend a couple of things to you, they would be:
1. Get counseling for the two of you, someone who has experience with gender issues and marriages. (Most gender therapists probably have dealt with many marriages - these issues are commonplace.) There is a chance you can work this out - although be warned that the marriage that emerges may not much resemble the one you started out in.

2. Don't compromise fundamentally on your transition. This seems selfish - but would you put off treatment for cancer because your wife wanted you to for some reason? You can compromise on everything else - and you probably should. But don't put that on the table. It just can't be.

3. Make a plan for what happens should you split up, both financially and legally. This seems cold - and let's hope you never have to use this plan. But I'd recommend having one, because I've noticed a couple of things that tend to happen in these situations. The transitioning spouse often feels very guilty, and just lets their partner have it all. I've seen many trans people who've impoverished themselves in this manner. Alternatively, some of us react in anger, and are really fairly nasty to our spouse, settling on things that are unfair. You don't want to do this - this is a person you love, after all. I do recommend though making a plan that protects the both of you, and is fair to both of you - at least start thinking about this. Believe me, if things don't improve between the two of you, this will not get easier to do. Even if you aren't ready to even think about something like this - and I don't blame you if you are not - have a plan for where you'll go and what you'll do if you are asked to leave. This happens too. This is especially important if you have minor children - you need to plan for them as well.

I'd like to tell you "love conquers all." Unfortunately, that's not typically what I see with transgender people. Should the worst happen, the best ways for you to think about this, in my opinion are to realize:
1. People get divorced all the time. If it comes to that, know that while your situation may not be typical, it doesn't really matter whether or not you divorced because you transition, or because you couldn't agree on how to handle your finances together.

2. People who get divorced frequently do so because the individuals in the couple change. People change over time, not always in compatible ways. You are going to be making some big changes. It's not anyone's fault if the two of you aren't compatible after this.

Your wife is going to go through a grieving process. She may find a way to reconcile this, and stay in the relationship, or she may not. But understand this, if she does stay with you while you transition, in many ways, she herself has to go through a transition. Not everyone is cut out for this.

I wish I could give you better news. I really wish I could. I'm not saying your marriage is hopeless. But realistically, you need to prepare for the worst case, because it's a fairly probable outcome. I speak from my own experiences, those of my boyfriend, my roommate, and of the several hundred other trans people I know. Because I am part of a trans outreach group, I get to hear a lot of these stories, and also talk with a lot of people whose marriages did survive. And I can tell you that as heartbreaking as what I'm about to say sounds, it's the truth - the worst outcome is sometimes not divorcing. I see this with trans people with young children quite often.

Best of luck, Lynne. I hope you two make it, I sincerely mean that.

[Suzanne F]

I am transitioning with the support of my wife. I agree with Paula that it is not the norm to stay together. My wife and I seem to be at a great point in all of this at the moment. However, we realize that things may change. I started HRT 2 weeks ago. I think the key to our making it this far has been honest communication. It has been very tough at times. She has fought changes at times and tried to control the process. Some of our disagreements seem silly now like when I pierced my ears!
Now she has caught up with me and we are on the same page. We have untangled ourselves which has been difficult but healthy. I based my life on her approval which was helping me hide and detrimental to me. I found that I have to do what is right for me and allow her to make her own decisions as to how she wants to proceed.

Yesterday she passed out invitations to my 50th birthday at a meeting we attended. I read the invitation and it struck me. Here was my beautiful wife inviting our friends to my party with Suzanne on the invitation. This may not seem like a big deal since I live as a woman among all these friends. However, I just stopped and soaked it in. How far she has come and how strong she is. We cried together about it last night as I thanked her. We may very well not make it like most but it won't be for lack of love!

Suzanne

[Megan G]

Lynne,

I am also transitioning and to date my wife had been there by my side. Has it been easy? Hell no there have been a few times where I thought to myself "this is it, it's over" but we are still here together. Just for the record it has been just shy of two years now that I have been on HRT with her full support.

Like your wife, mine has blasted out a few comments that have truly hurt but like the others said this is a rough time for them. They are grieving the loss of their husband as they know you. There are stages of this grief that they will go thru..

Yes the odds of staying together are not good but there are a few of us here and out there that have managed to remain married. I will admit the relationship is not what it once was but we still love, respect and honor each other.

I wish you the best, it's not easy..

Megan

[Dianne S]

The odds your marriage will survive this are not good.

I agree completely with Paula. Transition is a life-changing event for both the person transitioning and the one left behind. It's doubly bitter because the person transitioning often feels relieved or even elated while the one not transitioning feels a huge sense of loss and foreboding.

It takes an extremely strong marriage to survive a trauma like that. Most people, even ones with marriages they think are happy, do not have that strong a marriage.

So good luck. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[Beverley Sims]

Transition is such a big step and maybe your wife is not ready for such a cruel deal to her life.

Have you discussed it with her in a sobering manner.

I have had cancer, I don't seem to have it any more.

Yes it may come back.

[PaulaQ]

It takes an extremely strong marriage to survive a trauma like that. Most people, even ones with marriages they think are happy, do not have that strong a marriage.


Not to quibble, but I don't like to use terms like "strong marriage." There are marriages that survive all kinds of trials, that fall to this. Actually the couple's who seem most likely to stay together are either those with minor children, or couple's who's relationship is not very sexual in the first place.

Otherwise, almost all of whether or not you stay married depends on her. Very religious, or very straight women often simply can't deal with this. Like I said, she has to be willing to make this journey too, and it just isn't for most people.

[lynnef]

Yesterday night, we talked some more, and she is going to see a counselor, and try and figure out what to do....

for everyone who jumped on me about not telling her about this, I have been telling her every step, and she has known about my appointment for several months, but as ReineD said, she might have confused anti-androgen for anti depressant, and also thought the endo was going to "fix" my GD...
(and she does have a tendancy to not listen when it is something she doesn't want to hear...)

we've come to a bit of a compromise, since she is so afraid of me turning into a woman (her words), i'm basically going to half the E, but remain full amount on the spiro. (this gives me some of the emotional calmness, but without so much risk of "change", she originally wanted me to stop entirely, but was not thrilled with the idea of the old me - Moody, depressed and irritable most of the time)

Thank you again for the support and well wishes... we (wife and i) should be able to figure things out.... eventually.. :)

[Tina_gm]

I think there may be another angle about her comment that you and perhaps others missed. it was in HOW you phrased your question. IF I had cancer THERE and it had to be removed.... 1st, not your choice to have it removed, as it is a life saving measure. For your wife, HRT basically is a death in a sense of the man she married. I know there are TS women who disagree because they have found other ways to be intimate sexually, but as a hetero woman, who married a man and he is now is on a path to neutralize this. That is a big deal for many women. It is no longer about CDing, or having a feminine side or aspect of themselves, but of ending or removing that which is a man, permanently by your own volition.

IT being removed by cancer would be as I said, a life saving measure. In her mind, that would be a for better for worse type of deal. Why though many women cannot do or feel the same when it comes to transition is because they signed up for better or for worse with a certain person. When THAT person changes who they are, or what they are, that in itself in a way is a breach of contract. You are making a voluntary change. Besides, if IT was removed for cancer reasons, your personality, your core being would still be much the same, minus the ability to be intimate in that regard.

Now.... having said all that, it still was a horrible thing to say. But likely said out of anger, fear, frustration and sadness.